acryofhelp

[acryofhelp]

Just me and a cup of tea

I need a break...from people, from life, from myself. I don't know what I want. People keep asking me that. What do you want? The truth is I don't know. That question is so annoying at the back of my head. It keeps pestering me. It's there. It's always there. So sometimes, just sometimes I want to scream out loud : leave me alone! I want for people to leave me alone for one day. I want one day all to myself. No family, no friends, nobody. Just me. One day in which nobody will talk to me. So I don't have to lie about how my day went or about how I am feeling. One day in which I don't have to worry abt choosing between making this person happy or the other. One day. Just me with my thoughts. A cup of black tea and a cigarette. That's all I want. One day. A break from trying to prove myself to others, a break from trying to prove myself to me...a break from worrying about my future or rethinking my entire past. All I am asking....is for one day. I want to run away in the woods. Stay in a cabin. I want for one day for the sun to stop shining so bright in my face. For the rain to stop coming. For the earth to stop moving. So I can stop as well. And trap myself in a place that doesn't exist, in a time that has never been and never will be, so that nobody can find me. But those are just silly thoughts. It is impossible to escape this life like that. But sometimes I wonder...how would it be. To have that one day. 24 hours. All to myself. No worries. No depression. No anxiety. Just me. Just me and a cup of tea

[acryofhelp]

Well...I didn't expect to be posting again so soon...I truly felt a little better oh but you know how some shit just hits you over the head like a brick and out of nowhere. And since I don't go to thery this right here is the closest thing I get to being able to freely Express my feelings. I just feel awful. I feel useless and shitty and tbh I rlly want to just make it stop. I have been crying for the past 4 hours. I feel like crap. I am tired and i can't fall asleep bcs each time i try i start crying. Like...what the hell dude...why? Just...why? I want it to stop already. I need a break. I just want a break from all of it

[acryofhelp]

Trigger warning, self harm, blood, depression

Hey there tumblr

It feels like I talked more here than to my therapist which is funny isn't it?

This time I want to talk about something that might be a little bit of a trigger so if u missed the title and the tags here is another warning for you guys.

So I wanted to talk about self harm. And how I for one always tried to be the one to tell other people not to do it even though I do it myself pretty often and I know it is "practice what you preach" right? But it isn't always that easy. Sometimes I don't have the resources to fight it. I don't cut myself, not anymore at least. I used to. And I want to say I regret it and how it hurt but honestly I felt numb. I couldn't feel a thing. Which is what scares me the most. I haven't told my therapist all of this bcs she is a friend of my mother's and I was scared that she would tell my mother. Who would blame it on the shows I watch or the music I listen and forbid me from watching/listening to them. And truly they are my safe haven. I don't cut now. I scratch the back of my head real hard. A couple of times I was bleeding and since I have an undercut my mother noticed. I said i was unconsciously doing that. Sometimes I pull rlly hard on my hear. But the worst is when j scratch my hands. Sometimes it's my wrists, mostly my forearms. The worst was this summer I was out with my two best friends. Although j have to admit...it now feels as if it if it is not the three of us anymore. It's them to and...me...useless me. Unnecessary company. Extra character in a story. Disposable. Unimpressed. Cause they would do just well without me. If I died tomorrow they would probably be okay. They will move together to another country and don't get me wrong I am happy they get the chance of studying abroad. But they won't care about me anymore. Well...last summer they were talking about stuff they talked about when they were together at the beach. For 2 weeks. Thing that neither of them told me even if I talked to them through text or on the phone every day. I guess I am not important enough. So yeah. This summer. It was late at night and I listened to them and I had pretty long nails according to how my nails are always really short. So I scratched my forearm so bad I was bleeding and the bruises stayed for a couple of days. I lied that it had happened the night before when I was on a date and we were fooling around and I fell and yeah. Bullshit. After that I always tried to keep my nails short claiming I can't play the guitar. Which was only half true. I do that to keep myself from being able to hurt myself. Although sometimes it feels better than to be trapped in my own head with those awful thoughts. I broke up with my boyfriend too. Bcs it was too much. Too much stress. He was stressing me out because he was not communicating. And I felt like somehow it was my fault even if it wasn't. I think he is not my biggest fan right now but he is civil. Tonight I feel the urge to hirt myself again. But instead. I am writing here. Instead I will grab the nail clipper and cut my nails again. Instead I will play the guitar. Even if it hurts. So so bad. And I really wish my brain would stop but it won't and I am tired. Like. Emotionally tired. And honestly I don't want to talk to anybody but at the same time I feel guilty about it. I want to be all alone for one day. At least. One day. But I feel guilty about it. To wrap up thos post, in a few words because if you read this I already took so much of your precious time, I will play guitar. And hold back from hurting myself even if the urge so so big.

I will hold back. And fight it. Because I want to be better. I might just need some help.

#depression struggles #mentions of self harm #self harrrm

[acryofhelp]

Hey...so I am back to writing stuff here I guess...

So I fucked up. I feel like...no matter what I do I keep fucking up. Again. And again. And again. With everyone. With every single person I have encountered so far. Except a select few that don't even know me that well. That's what I am...a fuck up. And all I do is mess things up with ppl I care about. I hate to admit it...but I think my parents were right about certain people in my life. I don't know...I am just tired now...so so tired...I am so done with everything and everyone. I just want it to stop. I wish my brain would stop being so fucked up at least for a day. I have no right to feel this way...I have parents who love me. Friends who see the best in me. A boyfriend who respects and cares for me. A sister who is my go to person everytime. Sometimes I feel like I am a fraud for feeling this way when I have people that love me and care for me this much. I feel like all I do is let other people down...and lately it has been just like this. And I wish it would stop. I wish I could just spend a whole day without my brain making me go insane. I wish I could spend a day with my family without thinking "you are a disappointment for them". I wish I could go to a sleepover or hang out with my friends without thinking "they secretly judge you and only hang out with you out of pitty". I wish I could hold my boyfriend's hand without thinking "he doesn't like you. There is something you will do at some point to drive him away"....cause that's what I am best at...driving people away from me...making them dislike me. Sometimes I think it is for the best...I will end it some day and at least nobody will be sad about it. I hate making other people feel bad or sad....maybe because I hate feeling that way. Maybe because I am so tired of that exact feeling and I want out...I want to smoke a cigarette. No. I don't actually want that. I want the relief that comes with smoking one. The fact that you focus on that awful smoke getting into your lungs rather than any other problem that might cross your mind. Or maybe I am just tired...I want to just stay in bed and sleep. Sleep for hours on end and not wake up for at least a week. I need that. I need to just sleep. Not talk to anybody. Not go to any classes. No eating or drinking. Just press pause on life and when I wake up I get to start from where I left off...but these are just thoughts.random thoughts that run through my head. Through my messed up brain. In my fucked up life

#just a thought #depression struggles #anxitey #mentions of self harm

[acryofhelp]

Trigger warning- mentions of self harm, depression, anxiety attacks

You know...lying is easy. Once you start lying it just becomes easier to tell a white lie then to say the blunt truth. It is stupid to say that nobody ever lies. We all told a small lie, whether it was about who ate the last slice of pizza or that we forgot the homework at home or even bigger lies. Lies that end up engulfing us. Lies that we think we control when actually they control us. When I was younger I used to hate lying. I thought people who lied are not good people. But it is not like that. I can say that for me unfortunately lying has become a habit. It is like smoking a cigarette just as easy and just as relaxing. It wasn't a big deal at first. It was small stuff like "yeah mom I fell asleep early last night" when actually I was up until 3 am to read some comic or watch anime. "This joke is soo funny" when I didn't want to make the person telling the joke feel bad abt it. You know...small things that we think will never affect us. But as I said just like with anything else you just need a small push before you start doing it more often. It really started to get out of control when I first said "I am okay" God how I hate those words. I use to say them so often and I never ever mean them. And when someone else tells me those words I never know whether they mean it or not. I keep telling people how much better I am. How I am less depressed now. Less anxious. How I don't have panic attacks now. How I don't want to harm myself anymore. Lies. Lies. Lies. I just think about it all and how stupid it is of me to be lying about something as serious as my mental health. But too many people worry about it. And I don't want to see them like this. Worried about something that doesn't really matter. I am getting worse. Every second I live I feel worse. I have panic attacks in the middle of the class. I just got good at hiding it. I scratch and claw at my skin...I just know to not do it in places my friends or family might see. I used to be an open book with my emotions. Now I only cry when it is too much and only when I am alone. I got good at hiding my emotions. I learned how to smile with my eyes even when I don't mean it. It is very convincing apparently. So you see...I lie. I lie about everything. I keep saying how singing and playing guitar help me feel better. Lie. I keep telling people my favourite shows help me feel so much better. Lie. I keep saying how okay I am with everything going on in my life. Lie. And you know what really opened my eyes? Because for a while there I even fooled myself. It got so big it took control over me. I talked with a friend today. And I told them a small lie because I didn't want them to get upset. It backfired. They found out and got even more upset. I screwed up. Like I always do. And I got to ask myself....what if...what if i get suicidal again. But this time nobody knows. What if i try to kill myself and this 4th time nobody notices it. And I actually go through with it. I don't really want to kill myself and I am not doing it for attention. Believe me that is exactly why I tell ppl I am alright. So my only problem is...if i do it. I will hurt the people i know. And this time...this time they won't even know why i did it. Because they all think i am getting better. That i am better. That i feel so good about my life. It is stupid i know. If not stupid then at least irrational. Ans I am posting all this here because none of my friends know about this blog. And I truly want to be better. And I thought that if I told everyone that I am better I will be. But it didn't work like that. I was lying to everyone including myself. So I guess I am a pretty good liar...cause I ended up fooling myself as well

#liar #lying #depression struggles #anxitey #mentally ill #mentions of self harm #triggering stuff

[acryofhelp]

I am (: I wish you the best to

If u ever want a friend to talk abt anime/manga/books/life feel free to message me🤗

[acryofhelp]

Hi. I'm heather 25 partnered. I am poly and autistic and like anime, manga, reading and writing

Hi! I am Alex. You sound like a great person! I hope you are happy!

[acryofhelp]

It has been such a long time since I last used tumblr. It used to be a fun distraction. Even when I read thousand of posts about different subjects that I care about and silently agreed with....it felt like it wasn't real. Like my life was nothing more than a bundle of wrong choices and way too many "I am scared to"'s. I am still scared. I am stressed and anxious and sometimes very depressed. Yes I have my friends and family. No they don't know everything about me. My best friends do. But sometimes it feels like not even they understand. Don't get me wrong...I love them so much and I am grateful for them....but I feel the need to write this here. To Express my thoughts in a way it won't reach them and hurt their feelings. Maybe it is selfish...who knows? It is just frustrating yk? Wanting to be yourself. And constantly having people undermine you. I am bisexual. I hear lots of comments abt my sexuality. "Just choose one. Bisexuals are cheaters" and so on. My best friend thought bisexuality means excluding other gender identities and didn't hesitate to say that to my face even though I have had this discussion with her many, many times. No. It is not like that. I can fall for cis or nonbinary or trans or genderfluid people just the same. I myself am genderfluid. So I took it pretty hard. Like she was telling me i am invalidating my own existence. Yes i am genderfluid and i am proud of my gender identity. It took me such a long time to realise that there is nothing wrong with me. It was so hard to accept myself and it still is sometimes. In March of this year,right before the quarantine, we went out with some other classmates of ours. They started saying how nonbinary/trans people are way too extra for asking people to use the right pronouns. My best friend agreed to them knowing my gender identity, knowing how hurtful it was. How I would feel like crying bcs it feels just so frustrating to have people use the wrong pronoun. Misgender you. I was glad i had to go to a class so i got up and said "if someone would call one of you girls a he you would freak out and put out your boobs to show you are a girl. You are no different and no better." And i left.I am polyamorous. When I first told my best friend that I was invited to join a polyamorous relationship she freaked so bad. She acted like it was the worst thing that could ever happen to me. I laughed and said I wasn't interested anyways. It was a lie. I bottled it down. Deep deep down just like I did with everything else and it was eating me from the inside out. I came to terms with this too. Yes I can be in both monogamous and poly relationships. I have so much love to give. Sometimes I feel like my feelings...my pain don't matter. I am going to start a very stressful year in my life. And I can't keep bottling in everything. And I can't tell her all I said here because it would hurt her. But I felt hurt, betrayed, left aside. I feel like the moment she doesn't need me, she treats me like I don't matter. But at the same time she has been there for me through so much. I don't know if this is a toxic relationship. Somehow all my relationships are toxic. They wear me out. I am tired. I am just tired and I want it to stop. I am not writing all of this for any kind of attention because I don't care how many people see this. I am doing this for myself. Because for once I want to stop putting myself second. For once I will not care about other people's feelings and just for mine. I am tired indeed. Tired of feeling this way...tired of letting it happen. Maybe one day I will show her all this. When I man up. But for now I will post here every now and then...to let off some steam. .to help deal with everything. If anyone had the time and read all of this thanks for listening to my ranting and I hope you have an amazing day

#i'm tired #depression struggles #bisexuality #genderfluid #polyamory #my life #whatever

[acryofhelp]

Do you have any good Drarry fic recs? The Draco you draw is basically the image I have of him in my head canon lol so cute ;p

Oh anon, I got a lot of Drarry fics that I love to re-read. Half of them I don't even remember and ones that are written well that I forget to save.

Here are some Drarry fics I put on my reading list on my phone (Top!Harry and Bottom!Draco of course, no switching cuz that ain't really my thing and not everything is lemon/smut/nsfw/another-name-for-fanfics-that-have-smexy-scenes):

AO3: the stars were blind by cloudlesslysky (Made me feel happy. Nice use of using another character's perspective on witnessing the Sun and Stars reunite)

AO3: the images they sell are Illusion and Dream by cloudlesslysky (Harry keeps having wet dreams about Draco)

AO3: The Corruption Sequence by beren *AO3 WARNINGS* (Harry is forced to turn into multiple dark creatures or something and Draco is the sacrifice. No bad endings)

AO3: Harry Potter and the Perils of Daycare by AWickedMemory (Not smut and very cute, a bit creepy with the Graham kid)

LIVEJOURNAL: The Arc of the Pendulum by brummell (Beauty and the Beast adaptation! There are three parts. The next parts are linked at the end)

AO3: This I Know Is True by susannah_wilde

DREAMWIDTH: I DON'T BELONG HERE by pervyunitwins (A movie adaptation where Draco temporarily loses his memories and Harry tries to pretend they are actually husbands)

LIVEJOURNAL: Quidditch Wife by minervaalistor (It's NOT Harry/Genderbent or aka Cishetfemale!Draco because those types of stories just make me sad. Turning a gay ship to a heteronormative ship? No thank you)

LIVEJOURNAL: Quidditch Wife 2 by minervaalistor (As you can infer, it's the sequel to Quidditch Wife)

FANFICTION.NET: We, The Kings by MissPronounced (This is the lengthiest fic listed here and a good read if you like that medieval-fantasy timey stuff)

LIVEJOURNAL: If Wishes Were Children by oldenuf2nb (There are two parts. Harry is a badass)

AO3: For Your Pleasure by acciomalfoy (butt plug, cat ears and a wild Ron ruining the mood at the end)

AO3: 14 Days of Draco by doingdrarry (My favourite. Nicely written Daddy kink. A warning: Draco drinks a potion that accidentally turns him back to 14 years old (only physically!) and Harry, the poor man, has to deal with a horny 'teenager' Draco)

AO3: Puppy Breath and Money by GeorgeOaks (A/B/O and a humourous ending)

AO3: How to Own an Omega by Kairosclerosis (It's A/B/O, but It's actually written well and there's NO actual, explicit non-con that is usually common in these types of AUs. Draco and Harry's relationship is lovely. Unfortunately, it's not finished... yet. Hopefully)

LIVEJOURNAL: You forgot... by acaranna (A small, cute little story uwu)

LIVEJOURNAL: Dreams and Apparitions by themaohour (Apparently based off the movie, The Grudge)

AO3: Harry and the Djin by Nattish (AU based off Aladdin!!! Draco is very vain)

FANFICTION.NET: The Ridiculous Notion by Nattish (lmao "Virginia")

FANFICTION.NET: Dragontail Suppressants and Schmetterling Cream by SpaceAceAmeko (I enjoy reading this a lot)

AO3: What Happened to Draco Malfoy by Nimbus_NSFW (Sad Draco and Helpful Harry)

Last, but not least— My favourite Top!Harry and Bottom!Draco authors:

loveglowsinthedark

mothermalfoy

doingdrarry

Tessa Crowley

There's more stories that I did not share here because I don't want this post to be too long and you can check it out on my AO3 bookmarks.

[acryofhelp]

escape

Part of the Villain!Stephen Verse.

Warnings: adult language, cursing, mentions of sex etc - rating: mature

Also check out this art for Champagne. 💕

“That was an absolute dick move,” Tony ground out as Stephen’s lips trailed down his cheek towards his neck, his scarred hands mapping his naked back. He loved it when Stephen sat in his lap, having him wrapped around his torso and the sorcerer’s full attention on him. 

Tony revelled in those moments. 

When Stephen had rejected him before the insecurity had gotten under his skin, almost scared to see the sorcerer again later that day. He wouldn’t have been the first person to start getting sick of him over time, to want the dream but not reality, what he appeared to be but not who he was. 

Yet Stephen had been just as enthusiastic as usual, and Tony had wanted everything to go back to normal so he’d rolled with it. It had been his mistake to forget their place, the unspoken rules set up at the beginning of their arrangement. 

And Tony had started pretending to continue being angry with the man. It seemed to be when Stephen was most comfortable; rougher, touchier and more demanding. Tony loved it. Loved to give everything to him but keep him on the edge. 

“You enjoyed it,” Stephen scoffed near his ear, trailing his teeth over his earlobe and carding his hands through Tony’s hair, successfully making him forget everything about their earlier battle. 

Perhaps he had; to some degree. 

It was true that the sorcerer attacks had gotten pettier. Less organised and with less collateral damage. Perhaps it was part of the reason that Tony had allowed their nights to continue. Wasn’t sure what he’d do if anyone were to die due to Stephen. 

Again. 

Keep reading

[acryofhelp]

No one:

Absolutely no one:

Not even a soul:

Me: Have you read Sylvia Plath?

[acryofhelp]

Drarry Fic Rec Masterlist

After much deliberation I’ve decided that this is going to be the easiest way for me to do this. I have a very looongggg list of tags that I use to tag my Ao3 bookmarks and every single bookmark I keep I would recommend. So I’m going to post a link to all of my tags. Also, remember these are just my tags and not the creators. I also add new tags from time to time. Right, so, here we go folks….

Length:

Short (up to 15 K) Medium (between 15-60 K) Slow Burn (60 K+)

And everything else:

Amortentia (and lust potions etc) Animagus Artist Auror Azkaban

Keep reading

[acryofhelp]

❤😬

Your first and eleventh most recent emoji predicts how well November will treat you

[acryofhelp]

[acryofhelp]

brb gotta go darken my clothes and strike a violent pose

[acryofhelp]

look ... there's about a six-sevenish year period where Tony was Iron Man and Stephen was just a doctor, and y'all are sleeping on the fic potential

[acryofhelp]

https://iglovequotes.net/