comfect

[comfect]

[comfect]

Im enjoying the longevity of tumblrs recontextualization style of humor. a seemingly innocuous post followed by like "posts that a gnome would make" or like "are you a phone"

[comfect]

Once again randomly remembered this story about a couple who had a small parrot - pretty sure it was a budgie - who didn't talk but learned to communicate with people in its own way. Once it figured out that people always turn to check their phones when the notification sound comes on, it started making the text message notification sound to request human attention. The parrot also liked to follow people to the door whenever guests were leaving, and would use its wings to pantomime the motions of a person putting their coat on. A very clever, charming bird.

And every once in a while it just randomly hated some people. Not for any real reason, or even reason to suspect bad vibes, but by deciding "fuck this person in particular" for shits and giggles alone. And one time when the owners had invited a new friend to their home, the bird decided that it Did Not Like Her.

So in the middle of polite conversation, the bird - who was free to roam around the apartment at the time - hopped onto the living room coffee table, right in front of the unwanted guest. And in that moment, the owners put two and two together and understood that whatever mischief the bird had decided to do, it was now too late to stop it.

But instead of unleashing the absolute hell that even the tiniest displeased parrot could be capable of, the little budgie made its little "may I have your attention please" cell phone notification sound, and once the guest was focused on the bird, looked at her dead in the eye while doing the putting-my-coat-on wing motion.

The guest did not recognise the pantomime for what it was, but she was nonetheless delighted that the parrot would do a little wing-roll dance for her. And the host couple were at first too stunned and then too polite to tell her how impressive that gesture truly was. Their bird had shown both remarkable restraint and cleverness by using its entire vocabulary of human communication just to say

"I have an important announcement: I think you should leave."

[comfect]

I cannot put into words how much like horseshit she looked in this moment

I would say I hope this teaches her a lesson but it definitely will not. None of the other chocolate things she's eaten has taught her

[comfect]

The birth of Snake Venus

#snakeday at the park with george

[comfect]

This is money cat. He only appears every 1,383,986,917,198,001 posts. If you repost this in 30 seconds he will bring u good wealth and fortune.

[comfect]

I've also heard this with a longer setup (more breakdowns, longer patter before hearing the sound, that kind of thing) just to make the tension that much higher.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?” The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks accept him, feed him, even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, “We can’t tell you. You’re not a monk.” The man says, “All right, all right. I’m *dying* to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?” The monks reply, “You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk.” The man sets about his task. Forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, “I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.” The monks reply, “Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound.” The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, “The sound is right behind that door.” The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, “Real funny. May I have the key?” The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz, and amethyst. Finally, the monks say, “This is the last key to the last door.” The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound. But I can’t tell you what it is because you’re not a monk

#shaggy dogs gonna shaggy dog #jokes #humor #in quotes

[comfect]

Had a dream that I posted a pithy one-sentence tumblr post that clicked so well it got 1300 notes in under an hour and I was all excited about it and then I woke up and I can't remember what the post was and now my brain is like MUST REMEMBER WHAT WE WROTE AND MAKE THE POST and it's like... brain, i am holding your hand, I am caressing you gently, I am shaking you until you listen, for the love of all that is horny I do NOT want a pithy tumblr post that goes viral that way lies madness.

[comfect]

That’s Louis Rossman, a repair technician and YouTuber, who went viral recently for railing against Apple. Apple purposely charges a lot for repairs and you either have to pay up or buy a new device. That’s because Apple withholds necessary tools and information from outside repair shops. And to think, we were just so close to change.

Follow @the-future-now

[comfect]

Yeah that's not likely, it's practically guaranteed

I see a bunch of posts like this and they all seem to assume there's a huge undercurrent of anti-Israeli sentiment in the general populace such that Biden would easily cruise to victory if he did the right thing, as opposed to the truth which is that the average voter sees Israel as a sort of Middle Eastern America under attack by strange foreigners and would take all but the most couched and careful opposition to Israel's actions as a betrayal.

[comfect]

I know a poll that's about defining regions of the united states having answers that are based on these vague squishy regions of the united states is probably bad science but I want to see if there's a pattern here based on where you're from and if you think maryland is the south.

no see results options I dislike those.

#it is LITERALLY below the Mason Dixon line by definition #the full lyrics of the state song “Maryland My Maryland” include a line about being beneath “the despot's heel” #said despot being ABRAHAM LINCOLN #they had slaves they threw roof tiles at Union soldiers they were kept in the Union by brute force because of the location of DC #and they're culturally a lot more Virginia than Pennsylvania #it's the northernmost south but it's the south

[comfect]

best brownies in the known universe (at least, according to my grandma)

some year and a half ago when i was getting ready to move out i combed through all the family recipes that lay lost to time and one of the ones that i found was my grandmas brownie recipe. idk where she got it from (nor can i ask cause she has dementia) and its a printed out email she sent to my mom in june 2000. but by george these the best brownies i have ever tasted. would she be pleased that i am sharing this recipe with my vast following? absolutely.

YOU WILL NEED:

5 tablespoons butter (unsalted) 1 ounce unsweetened baking chocolate (or as much as your heart desires) 2/3 cup unsweetened good cocoa powder 1 cup sugar (white) (superfine preferred, normal works fine) 1 cup sifted white flour (can use gluten free) 1/2 teaspoon baking powder as much cinnamon as your heart desires (your heart needs to desire at least some cinnamon. its essential to the recipe) 3 egg whites 1 egg splash of vanilla extract (again, non negotiable step!)

preheat your oven to 325 degrees. grease a square baking pan (9x9 preferably).

in a small saucepan over medium heat melt the butter and baking chocolate. while that is melting, sift together the flour, baking powder and cinnamon into a small bowl. once the butter and chocolate is done melting add the cocoa powder and cook it together for 1 minute. add in the sugar and stir. it will get very thick. this is correct.

set that aside to cool. while thats cooling take a large bowl and put in your egg whites, egg and vanilla. beat it up with preferably a whisk but you can use a fork if youre fresh out of whisks. once the chocolate is cool enough to not scramble your eggs dump it in the eggs and mix it together. add the flour in gradually and keep mixing until its smooth and happy.

spread into your greased baking pan. put it in the oven for EXACLTLY 18 MINUTES. very crucial step. they will come out slightly under done. that is what we want. as they cool they will continue to cook in the pan. we dont want them to get hard and sad. they are not good when they are hard and sad. do not overbake them. you will be sad.

slice them up and as the official last step on the original recipe says: EAT ENJOY AND MAKE MORE! (theyre very good with mint chocolate chip ice cream)

[comfect]

[comfect]

[comfect]

30 Minute Speedpaints (6 of 9) - Diana Franco

[comfect]

https://x.com/tommchenry/status/1428891618770407428/

[comfect]

I fundamentally disagree with Thomas Jefferson and Mark Twain. "Never use two words when one will do," "don't use a five-dollar word when a fifty-cent word will do," I'm going to turn a single sentence into an essay and it's going to cost five hundred dollars per word because those are the right words to get across what I mean without ambiguity and misunderstanding, thankyouverymuch

#true #victor hugo would never charge you that much per word #there's a reason he was widely beloved #charles dickens on the other hand