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Dear Familiar Stranger
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12 September, 2017
Dear Familiar Stranger,
I've never had an actual job. I'm currently babysitting and I do some demos on the weekends and one time I worked a seasonal position at party city. I didn't try to get a job in high school because my parents said my one priority was school. I was glad because, between you and me, I didn't want to work. I could barely keep a B-C average and I wasn't super social so I knew I would be so nervous at a job. I never really thought about it and non of my friends had a job but I knew some people who did. Once I graduated I was encouraged to find a job, something part time that went with my college class schedule. I did go places and asked up front if they were hiring and If they did and had a paper application I would fill it out and turn it in. But I would always be so nervous because I had no previous experience and I honestly didn't know how the hiring process worked. I figured if they were looking they would call and give me a chance or at least tell me that they found all the people they need. But that doesn't happen and I get told by people that I have to call in after applying and ask about my application and if they'd consider me for the position. I did that too but most people have a cache of applications online that they keep on file for months until they need someone so they just tell you to wait for a call. Then I got told that I should go in person to the store and ask to talk to the manager. I GOT TOLD THE SAME THING I WAS TOLD ON THE PHONE. I've had a few interviews that I thought went well. I have become less reserved around stranger and thought I was making some personal progress. They tell me they'll contact me in a few days to let me know. Great, I answer literally every phone call for the next 2 weeks and I never got a call from them. Not even an email saying 'sorry, better luck next time.'
What's worse is when my sister "tries to help me" by telling me 'why don't you get a job' 'are you applying and calling in' 'you need to speak up' 'stop being so shy' 'you know I got hired on the spot when I applied?' That's not helping. That is pestering and is in no way helpful especially when she uses that tone of voice that says I'm better than you because I know about the real world.' Bullshit. She thinks she knows everything about being a fucking adult. About taxes and credit and college and job hunting, but she doesn't. I think it's great that she can have her break down and then just fucking figure shit out but she doesn't seen to understand that, that doesn't work for me. I can't explain to her that I physically feel sick at the idea of going up to a random person and ask them to hire me knowing that I have no experience and not much to offer for the position. She won't understand that some days I feel like I can't even talk to my friends or family with feeling such anxiety that the only thing stopping me from crying is that I just as little as possible. And she definitely would not get that there are a few rare days where I feel like I could take on the world and come out on top. There are some days and some people that I can open up with so freely I become almost a different person. The worst part is that I can't tell her she's not one of them.
I know there are a lot of things I need to do. I have a list. I just don't know how or where to start. Because every time I do, something holds me back. I'm not a leader. I know I may rely on people a little to much but I just want guidance. I want someone to hold my hand through all of it. I know that sounds pathetic but that's what I want. I want someone to pint me into the direction I want to go, hand me the tools and give me push. I realize that would only happen in a dream world and I'm working on dealing with doing thing's myself.
Sincerely,
V.M.V.
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5 September, 2017
Dear Familiar Stranger,
I was very unproductive today and feel kind of bad about that. I want to do something but everything seems to drain me of motivation. Even just the thought of going for a walk or cleaning my room makes want to lie down and just do nothing. I know doing these things will make me feel better but I also don't want to do them because I don't feel right.
I miss having friends. People to talk to and hang out with. People to play games and joke with. People who I feel comfortable with. I mean, I have people I trust and can be myself with but none of them run in the same circles so I don't have a group of friends like I used to. It seems like not even that was real. At least not the me part of it. They are all still good friends and hang out all the time but I only see them once or twice a year if ever. I miss them but I also kind of want to move on from them because they obviously don't miss me. I just want to be wanted by people.
Sincerely,
V.M.V.
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4 September, 2017
Dear Familiar Stranger,
I dyed my hair again. That was pretty much the highlight of my day. I was hungry but for something specific that I couldn't identify. I'm still kinda hungry. I just cleaned and cooked today. I didn't even get that much done and yet I still feel drained of energy. I think it might be that I miss him. I know I saw him a few days ago but I still miss him. I don't just miss him but I miss being with him. The last time I saw him it was to pick up my car which didn't even start and he was so tired I thought he would get annoyed if I tried to get all cuddly. I wanna snuggle and cuddle up to him and take in his scent while we talk, mostly me, until we fall asleep in each others arms. I miss that.
I think I either had to many thoughts today or my mind was completely blank because I am all out of words.
Sincerely,
V.M.V.
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3 September, 2017
Dear Familiar Stranger,
Today I went ti visit my Tia Sol (my mom’s cousin by blood). Her house flooded during the hurricane and she lost the entire first floor of her house. All the appliances and furniture, clothes, a TV, hundreds of books and other teachings supplies that she had gotten together a few nights before for the start of the school year have all been reduced to a pile of water logged trash that smell like shit. And to top it all off, they don’t have insurance.
My mom and I could not understand how they couldn’t have any kind of insurance what so ever because they have so much stuff. My Tia Sol is a hoarder. she buys so much clothes that her closet is filled to brim and she had two other rooms, one upstairs and one downstairs, filled with clothes. Most of these clothes are practically brand new, never used and bought years ago. She never throws anything away, her house felt so cramped whenever we came to visit because it as filled with junk, things that no longer served a purpose besides take up space. Everything downstairs was trashed, none of the cloths could be saved. But even with all that gone she still has enough clothes upstairs to fill two walk in closets and a dresser. The good thing that came from this is that she says she wants to go threw all her clothes and jewelry and whatever is left and give most of it to my uncle (my mom’s brother) in mexico for him to sell at his little shop and the rest give away to her daughters. This is good but sh’e only doing it because she feels that she has lost a lot more than what she is . giving away. The problem lies in the future, when the house is renovated and she has space to put more things in. All of us want to prevent this before it starts but we all know it will be almost impossible.
On a different note, while helping to clean out my aunt and uncle’s house an seeing almost the whole neighborhood full of volunteers and families doing pretty much the same I had a thought. After disasters like hurricane Harvey a lot of people want to help in whatever way possible whether that be donating goods like clothes and food, volunteering to help clean and/or rebuild someones house or even give sandwiches to those volunteers and families as they work the day away. It would be great if things could just stop during this recovery so that everyone can get what they need in a orderly fashion but the reality is that not everyone can help. Some people are in similar situations even before the hurricane and now they can’t even earn a paycheck because the store they work at still hasn’t opened. Other times more volunteers aren’t needed and people are sent away and asked to donate money instead. I don’t exactly know where I was going with this thought. I think I had to many swarming through my head today so I can’t quite express them coherently. Sorry about that.
Sincerely,
V.M.V
P.S. Thank you to all the volunteers and donors and people who wished they could help. You are all wonderful people and I am proud of this city for coming together during a time like this.
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2 September, 2017
Dear Familiar Stranger,
I really wish I would’ve started this yesterday on the 1st but I didn’t want to wait another month because I knew if I did I would abandon the thought all together. I’ve decided to try and record my thoughts again in order to get rid of some doubts and insecurities as well work through some issues internally before involving other people. I’ve always had trouble expressing myself with words even though I talk non-stop and read constantly. I just can’t put the right words together to make my point, most of the time anyway.
I guess the hardest thing about talking to people is starting the conversation. some things you can’t just spring on a person in the middle of talking. it could be taken the wrong way and ruin the whole thing. for example, say you want to talk to your significant other about something that has been not exactly bothering you but that you’ve noticed and can’t seem to let it go. It’s not super serious but you want to have an actual conversation about it, you ant to know what they think about it and if they’ve noticed it to and work out some kind of resolution even if it’s not really a problem but both of you now have a better understanding of each other about this very particular subject and possibly in a few other related topics. How do you initiate that discussion? If you go up to them and say ‘I wanna talk’ or ‘we need to talk’ you sound like your about to break bad news. But if you bring it up in a casual conversation they might dismiss it as a random thought and just make some off hand comment without really processing it. The worst times is during or after something good happen, because then you might ruin the mood, or when they are clearly dealing with some other more pressing issues, because compared to these your random thing seems almost insignificant and will probably just frustrate them more. It seems like there is no way to start a conversation with a bit of initial awkwardness and confusion, the problem is trying to get over that bit instead of elongating it.
The other issue with talking to people is the fact that your right there watching them process it all. It would be so much easier if you could send them a letter with all your thoughts and concerns, mail it to them and wait for their response. That would give you time to calm down and them time to think it over correspond accordingly. That might have worked in the times before texting, email and all other forms of instant communication but in this day and age it would be considered weird and and you would probably get a snap with the caption ‘WTF?’ on it instead of a letter as a response. Having a discussion over the phone is almost as hard because you lose body language and that is like 50% of the conversation so there would be a miss-connect due to neither of you being able see the others reactions and facial expressions. Of course we also have video chat but that also never seems to end well. No matter what way you look at it the best way to talk to someone is in person. You can gauge their feelings through their body language as well express you fully through your words and reactions. Granted, knowing this doesn’t mean it will go smoothly but at least now I can go ‘fuck it, might as well try and hope for the best.’
I really hope I get to see him soon. I’ve been wanting to talk to him about it for over a week now and if I keep it to myself for to long I’ll either bury it ‘till it turns to coal or over thing it so much it’ll wash over me like last weeks hurricane.
Sincerely,
V.M.V.
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