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exitmaulandluc · 6 years

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10 New Years Resolutions for Divorced Parents

Did you promise yourself you’d start exercising this year? Did you join a gym? Did you promise to be a better person or get a new job? Those are all pretty common resolutions, but if you’re a divorced parent, why not make some resolutions that will benefit the most important people in our lives?

Here are a few suggestions for New Years Resolutions based on some of the things I’ve seen in my years of being a divorce lawyer.

1. I will remind my child that they are loved. It’s critical that you tell your children that you and your ex both love them. It’s common for kids to think they did something wrong that may have caused your divorce. Reassure them that they had nothing to do with it and that both of their parents will always love them.

2. I will let my children express their feelings, no matter what those feelings are. Kids need time to mourn after a split and they may not express themselves the way that adults do. Encourage them to express their feelings and to be honest about how they feel. Try to avoid saying things like, “Everything happens for a reason” or “It’s better this way.” That just tells them that you don’t really want to deal with their unhappiness. It’s ok and perfectly normal for them to feel sad.

3. I will be consistent. Life can be hectic after a divorce, but kids need routine and consistency when they’re dealing with a major change in their life. Try to minimize unnecessary changes such as moving to a new home or starting a new school. Try not to disrupt their daily routines or change a lot of their relationships.

4. I will ask for help from others. You and your children are going through a difficult time. Family and close friends will provide support if you ask. You don’t have to shoulder this burden on your own. If you or your children need it, don’t hesitate to find a good therapist. Someone that is trained to deal with complex emotional issues can be incredibly helpful.

5. I will respect my children. This may sound obvious, but I’m talking about respecting the fact that your child wants to have a relationship with both parents. It doesn’t matter what your relationship is with your ex, they are still a parent to your child. Let your child know that you want them to have a good relationship with both parents. Don’t belittle your ex or act bitter towards them in front of your child. That can make your child defensive, can make them feel guilty and can potentially damage their self-worth.

6. I will not ask my children take on roles or responsibilities that they shouldn’t. Your kids will probably see and communicate with your ex more than you do. Don’t use them as a messenger. “Tell your father he’s late with the child support” or “Tell your mother I can’t pick you up after school on Friday.” Communicate with your ex directly or use some other third party instead of getting your children involved. Don’t try to pry information out of your child about what’s going on at the other house. They’re not a spy. Never use your child as a pawn to try and hurt the other parent. It makes you look awful and does a lot of harm to your child.

7. I will try to make transitions peaceful. Exchanges are not the place to air your grievances with your ex. Smile when you tell your kids goodbye. Let them know you’re happy that they’re getting to spend time with the other parent. It’s just as important to give them the right “welcome home” message. If you’re not sure how to handle it, just pretend they’re coming home from a friend’s house.

8. I will give my child credit. Going through a divorce as a child is tough. Tell your kids they are doing a great job and let them know you appreciate their efforts.

9. I will not forget my own needs. Divorces are stressful, painful and they can be exhausting. Take the time to do things you enjoy and allow yourself time to relax. It will help you be a better parent to your children.

10. I will take time to appreciate the good things. Do your best to set the negative feelings aside. Focus on building a new life and appreciate the fact that your children are loved and that they love you.

10 New Years Resolutions for Divorced Parents

#Trusler Legal #10 New Years Resolutions for Divorced Parents

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exitmaulandluc · 7 years

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What? Thanksgiving Break is 10 Days This Year… and it’s His/His turn?

The Texas Family Code suggests that most child possession orders be written to include specific schedules for Thanksgiving (as well as other holidays, like Spring Break and Christmas/Winter Break). A holiday typically begins when school lets out for the break and resumes when school starts back or at 6 PM the evening before school resumes.

For most Thanksgiving breaks, this meant that many schools released on Tuesday or Wednesday of Thanksgiving week. Recently, in the Austin area—some districts have begun releasing students for the entire week of Thanksgiving. This has caused panic for some divorced parents and other co-parents.

As a Family Law Specialist, the most panic I hear about this are from people that are recently separated/divorced. I’ve been getting a lot of calls lately.

“My ex won’t be able to deal with our kids for that long!”

“I don’t know how I’ll manage being away from them that many days!”

“That’s 10 days of the month that I won’t see my kids… that’s not fair!”

All of these complaints are valid. They are cries of distress from caring, loving parents. The reality is that we have to adapt and put our kids first when a co-parenting or marriage relationship is dissolved. We have to learn to share the thing that is most precious to us – our children.

Take a deep breath. Take several if you need to.

If your ex won the holiday calendar lottery this year, it will be your turn next year. The bottom line is that it evens out over time.

If you’re on reasonable terms with your ex, you can discuss the holidays with them. Maybe you can do this over coffee or a meal, or even by phone. You may be able to customize your schedule. I have a lot of clients agreed to split all the school breaks at the mid-point. Others discuss it on a case by case basis, as their own work schedules and opportunities allow.

If you’re not able to communicate with your ex, you might try working through a counselor that you both trust. You can always turn to your lawyers, but that should be your last resort.

Just remember that your focus should always be what is best for the children.

It may not be easy, but try to take time for yourself. Do some of the things you don’t have time for when you’re with your children. Get a massage, go on a walk, get away for a weekend or just enjoy the quiet. If you’re physically and mentally healthier, you’re better equipped to be there for your children when they need you.

Use the “off” time to be better in the “on” time. You are worth it… and a better you is better for your child(ren) in the long run!

Just remember to take time to consider all that you have to be thankful for. Be blessed.

What? Thanksgiving Break is 10 Days This Year… and it’s His/His turn?

#Trusler Legal #What? Thanksgiving Break is 10 Days This Year… and it’s His/His turn?

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exitmaulandluc · 7 years

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10 Back to School Tips For Divorced Families

For any parent, back-to-school season tends to be quite stressful. However, when you are divorced it's even more complicated. Who will be taking the yearly trip to Target for loading up on school supplies, and more critical, who will be paying for them? Are both parents listed on all important school forms?

In order to make it a little less overwhelming to head back to school, we compiled the following tips to help you.

1. Split the costs on back-to-school supplies.

Between school uniforms, calculators, backpacks, crayons, etc. the back-to-school supplies for your kids can end up costing you more than you expected. In order to share on the expenses you can divide up purchasing responsibilities in different ways. For example:

Dad might buy the water bottles, lunch boxes and backpacks, while Mom gets the supply list that the teacher sends home. Try to play on both of your strengths while paying around the same price. For example, Dad might be better at picking out a few higher quality items, while more detailed, specific things might be something that Mom is better at, or vice versa.

2. Get a shared Google calendar set up so that everyone can be kept informed.

Before each school year starts, get the family shared Google calendar updates with all of the upcoming school events scheduled in for all of your kids. That way, no one will end up missing school or parent-teacher conferences.

If you want something that is more geared toward co-parenting relationships, here are a couple of options:

Our Family Wizard (paid)

AppClose (free)

Another thing that is a good idea is to send out invites via the calendar for the really important events as you are entering them so you don't need to remember to do it later.

3. On the kids' first day of school, drop them off together.

The first day of school is often an overwhelming and scary time for kids, no matter how confident they may be. If possible, try freeing your schedule up so that both parents can drop off the kids to show your support.

Having both parents there with them on the first day of the school year can really mean a lot to a kid. This is especially important for younger children of for kids that are making a big transition year – like from elementary to middle school or even moving to a new school. Make sure to set aside any differences you might have with an ex spouse and be there for your child to help get the school year started off right and show you will both be there for him or her.

4. Text a photo if you ex is unable to be there on the first day of school.

If your former spouse is unable to be there for your child's first day of school, you can always text her or him pics of the event so that they don't feel left out and can share in the event in some way

Texting a photo shows goodwill and your ex will most likely greatly appreciate it. They may want to text photos back to share with your son or daughter as well.

5. Inform your children's teachers that you have a blended family and make sure they know who everyone is.

After a divorce, your family probably became a lot more complicated, particularly if either you or your ex or both have remarried. At the beginning of the school year, be sure to let your children's teachers know who is in your family so that there isn't any confusion when your kid's step dad comes to pick her up from school. Many feelings have been unnecessarily hurt by lack of informing teachers ahead of time, especially involving families with same sex relationships.

It can get confusing for teachers when your kids talk about all of their different siblings, stepparents and parents. Although your kids might be able to explain who everyone is, it can be a lot more comfortable and clearer for everyone involved if the teacher understands ahead of time about the dynamics of your blended and extended family situation. They will appreciate not having to ask a lot of questions.

Another advantage that can come out of talking to your children's teachers is managing school books and supplies. If you tell the teachers that your children have two homes, they might be able to send two schoolbooks instead of one so they don't have to be hauled back and forth so much.

6. Go to parent-teacher conferences together if at all possible.

When you go into a parent-teacher conference as a family and team, it sends a very strong message to both the teachers and your kids. It shows that no matter what occurred in the past, that the child's best interests are what are being focused on today.

It shows you can work together as a team with the school and your children will feel supported and loved in everything they do.

7. If your former spouse lives out of state, have them call in to join the meeting that way.

Distance doesn't have to completely interfere with both parents being able to take proactive measures and being involved in their children's lives.

If your ex happens to live in another state, make sure that you schedule a time for parent-teacher conferences that works for both of you, and so that the out-of-state parent can be conferenced into the meeting.

8. Schedule times when you and your former spouse can go over the progress your children are making at school.

First of all, you want to ensure that no soccer game or book report ends up falling through the cracks. It is a good idea to have days scheduled for communication where you can update and discuss your childrens' lives.

You can either talk on the phone or exchange emails every week to discuss things like what tests are coming up, project updates, etc. If anything is time sensitive you can always exchange information via text or a call at times other than your weekly meetings. Everything else can be discussed at your regularly scheduled times to keep communication running smoothly.

The shared calendar option mentioned in #2 above can help with this.

9. Make sure your ex is included in the family tree.

No matter what your feelings might be about your ex, your children still need to have her or him be a part of their lives. Whenever there is a project calling for family photos or a family tree assignment, rise above any bitterness or hard feelings and include your ex spouse's family (including new spouses).

10. Get a group chat set up so that your children's progress and victories can be discussed.

One good idea to help with communication is to get a group chat set up that includes both parents and children so that texts can be sent whenever your kid needs some extra encouragement for bring a C grade up or if he or she really aces a test or assignment. This communication trick can really work wonders for your family.

The idea here is to to direct notes and reminders to the kids, but in addition both of the parents can also see them and if necessary comment on them. It also can be a nice way for both parents to be able to make encouraging and positive comments about one another in front of the children, like thanking them for picking up the kids when you were stuck in a meeting. That can show your kids that you are able to work together as a team and appreciate each other's efforts.

10 Back to School Tips For Divorced Families

#Trusler Legal #10 Back to School Tips For Divorced Families

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exitmaulandluc · 8 years

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Debunking 10 Common Divorce Myths

Divorce is fairly common, which is why people are typically willing to offer advice when they hear what you’re going through – many of them have been through it themselves. Yet, it’s important to take each piece of advice with a grain of salt, as even well-meaning individuals are guilty of spreading fallacies when trying to offer their support.

When it comes to divorce, it’s important not to believe everything you hear. Below are ten common myths that you may encounter:

Living together reduces the odds of divorce. This is a common misconception, and in fact the opposite might be true. Some experts suggest that individuals who are willing to live together are more likely to have attitudes that could contribute to divorce. For instance, these individuals might approach relationships as if they are temporary, and therefore easy to walk away from.

Second marriages have better odds of lasting than first ones. While it’s certainly possible to have a successful marriage after a prior divorce, statistically speaking, remarriages actually have higher divorce rates than first ones.

A woman’s standard of living drops by 73% post-divorce, while the man’s actually improves by 42%. While the fact that women’s standards of living drop and men’s rise is actually correct, more recent studies suggest that the percentages are actually as different: the average woman’s loss is about 27% whereas the average male’s gain is about 10%. Remember, these are averages and do not apply in all cases. For example, in a case where the primary breadwinner is the wife, the opposite may be true. Also, now that same sex marriages are legal in most states, these statistics likely do not take same sex marriages into account.

If parents fight often, it’s better off for the children if they just divorce instead of trying to make it work. A long-term study suggests that this is only true for children in extremely high-conflict homes. In other, lower-conflict marriages, the post-divorce arrangements had a negative impact on the children, which could have been negated if the parents had opted to work their problems out and exercised better problem solving skills.

Children whose parents divorce are more likely to avoid divorce themselves. This is another instance in which the opposite is in fact true: children whose parents have divorced are statistically much more likely to experience divorce themselves, due to the fact that their perception of lifelong commitment has been undermined.

Post-divorce, children with stepfamilies fare better than children with single-parent families. In reality, research shows that despite better financial support, stepfamilies can lead to higher levels of conflict versus single-parent families.

Having feelings of unhappiness throughout a marriage is a likely indication that divorce is imminent. Despite what the fairytales say, marriages aren’t 24/7 bliss. Every marriage has ups and downs, but the couples who stick through the less-happy parts of their marriage tend to be happier down the road. For instance, one study found that 86% of people who were unhappy in their marriages were actually happier when interviewed five years later.

Although children are negatively impacted by divorce, the effects are short-lived and they can recover quickly. Unfortunately, divorce can have long-lasting effects on children, which can actually manifest themselves on a worse level into adulthood.

Becoming pregnant is a good way to prevent divorce. Typically, marriages become more stressful directly after the birth of the first child. While couples who have a child may tend to have a slightly lower risk of divorce than those without children, that risk is much lower than it was in past decades.

Typically, men initiate divorce. On the contrary. The majority – a whopping 66% of all divorces are initiated by women. Typically, this is due to the fact that women have better odds of receiving custody of children. Additionally, some experts speculate that men are more likely to have drinking, substance abuse, and infidelity issues.

The most important aspect of going through a divorce is having a support team that you can rely on. Whether you’re seeking collaborative divorce or exploring your options for litigation, finding a lawyer who is well-versed in helping couples split with as minimal damage as possible is what will help both parties fare best in the aftermath of divorce.

Debunking 10 Common Divorce Myths

#Trusler Legal #Debunking 10 Common Divorce Myths

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exitmaulandluc · 8 years

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Tips for Going Back to School Post-Divorce

The beginning of the school year can be a hectic time for any family, but the stressors are compounded for both parents and children who have recently been impacted by divorce. Below, you’ll find some information about how you can make the best out of the new school year, and create a healthy transition everyone involved.

From One Family to Two

One of the first steps in facilitating a hassle-free school routine is ensuring that your child’s school is an ally. You’ll need to interact with school personnel from time to time and have access to important resources, so it’s in your best interest to develop a cooperative relationship with teachers, faculty, and other school professionals.

Giving your child’s teachers a brief heads up about your recent divorce in advance can provide an advantage for them and your child. Teachers know that children whose parents have divorced may be experiencing changes in their household environment and routine. Because school is where children spend a large portion of their days, teachers can aid in creating as comfortable an environment as possible.

Of course, children cannot be expected to tune out their feelings totally, regardless of age. During or after a divorce, they can experience many different emotions, ranging from guilt to insecurity and shame. Working through these feelings can be challenging, and it can have an impact on children’s friendships and their ability to focus in school.

For most children, teachers are trustworthy authorities. As a parent, taking a proactive approach and informing teachers of your divorce in advance can contribute to making your child feel less isolated and drive self-esteem.

Connecting with Key Personnel

Below are some tips for opening the channels of communication with educators and faculty:

Invite Teachers to Talk with Your Child Acknowledging in advance that there might be times when your child feels distressed can be beneficial for teachers. Should you deem it appropriate, invite teachers to have an encouraging talk with your child. If you see fit, you can also suggest some messages in advance that might be helpful to pass on to your child when he or she might be having a tough day. Hearing that he or she is not at fault from one of your child’s favorite teachers can go a long way in boosting confidence. Furthermore, you may also want to have teachers remind your student that he or she isn’t the only one going through a tough time, and that better times lie ahead. Not only will this facilitate a more comfortable environment at school, but it will also help to reinforce the same messages you’ve been communicating at home. Having transparent conversations also encourages your child to see that divorce isn’t shameful or secretive; it can be addressed openly and shame-free.

Contact Guidance In addition to letting teachers know about the status of your divorce, it might also be a good idea to contact your child’s guidance counselors. These caring professionals have the knowledge, skills, and expertise needed to carefully work through children’s confusing emotions during difficult times. A compassionate guidance counselor can be an ally to you as a parent, and you can rely on him/her for support in helping your child navigate challenging circumstances throughout the school year.

Don’t Wait Until Later Generally, it’s advantageous to reach out to educators and faculty ahead of time. Chances are your child may go through the school year without relying on teachers or guidance counselors for any extra support. With that said, however, letting school staff know what’s going on in advance will allow them to be on the lookout for any sings of depression or behavioral changes that need to be addressed sooner rather than later.

Seek Out Support Groups Many schools have support groups for children whose parents are going through a divorce. Interacting with other children whose parents are divorced can be beneficial in showing them that they’re not alone. Additionally, openly discussing thoughts and anxieties can put children at ease, especially in an environment with others who have a similar set of family dynamics. The more support your child has, the better equipped they will be for overcoming any challenges they may encounter throughout the school year.

Most importantly, keep in mind that the school can provide added support for your child, but parents should still be the primary support system throughout a divorce. Have a conversation prior to the beginning of the school year with your child and let him/her know about any ways in which the routine might be different this year. Let them know in advance who they can contact during the school day if they need to talk, and encourage them to get their feelings out. School can provide a comfort zone and a supportive ally for your family during the challenging post-divorce time, but be sure to use the available resources to your advantage and address the matter in advance.

Tips for Going Back to School Post-Divorce

#Trusler Legal #Tips for Going Back to School Post-Divorce

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