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failedaugment · 19 hours

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Fic I’ll never write where Julian has a latent one-way telepath gene activated by some sci-fi nonsense and can suddenly hear everyone’s thoughts. And he’s like, “Shit, I don’t remember there ever being any betazoid blood in the family. This must be connected to my augmentations. No! I have to fix this James Bond style.” So while he’s doing that, life goes on and he has to keep a straight face against the cacophony of noise from all his friends and patients.

With his patients, the telepathy actually ends up being pretty useful. He can hear everything they’re too embarrassed or proud to say, so examinations go much smoother. Though he really could do without all the sudden “mmm sexy doctor” thoughts interrupting his professionalism. Especially when they cause him to bash his head on his own equipment out of pure, scandalized shock. Twice.

With friends, the challenge is mainly in not responding to their thoughts, because they’re always interesting. His friends are incredible people and he’s bursting at the seams to talk to them about their interests, hobbies and concerns. Then, of course, there are the occasional “Julian is annoying” thoughts. He always knew they were there, but actually hearing them sucks. He takes heart in the equal amount of “Julian is a sweetheart” thoughts that pop up, often shortly after the annoyed ones.

Then there’s Garak, who Julian avoided for as long as he could because he knows Garak wouldn’t appreciate having his thoughts heard. He was literally a spy. Julian listening in on his thoughts would be tantamount to bugging his quarters or something. It’s not fair to him. Julian and Garak might lie to each other all the time, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t a trust there, and Julian doesn’t want to break that. Maybe in the beginning, but not all these years later. Not now that they’re close.

But ultimately, it’s just (hopefully) one lunch, and if he avoids Garak for too long, he’s going to hurt his feelings and he can’t do that, either. Garak only has so many friends. And anyway, what’s the worst that could happen? Julian finds out what Garak really thinks of a book? Maybe Garak’s soup is too hot, but he won’t admit it? Maybe he’ll mentally shit-talk a Bajoran, and that’ll suck to know about him, but it won’t be shocking. Hell, he’ll flatter himself, maybe Garak will have a lustful thought or two about him. That wouldn’t be any great revelation. He knows Garak’s attracted to him, and he’s attracted back, but fucking an ex-intelligence agent isn’t a good idea for someone with a secret as big as Julian’s. So, he might have to rub one out after lunch. He can deal with that. No harm done. He comes to lunch.

And it’s a spectacular mistake. He should have made another excuse, any excuse. He should have known better. He knows who and what Garak is. He knows he’s traumatized and hypervigilant and a little bit of a maniac. Garak’s even hinted at sentiment being a particular weakness of his before. He should have anticipated Garak filing away every little thing he hears and sees like his life depends on it. He should have anticipated the checked violent instincts and guilt and depression. He should have anticipated Garak wondering what secret Julian’s keeping and coming startlingly close to certain truths. He especially should have accounted for the possibility that Garak is more than just attracted to him. He’s deeply in love with him.

He leaves lunch shaken and sick to his stomach. So much of it is unsurprising. Garak’s life has been terrible. Is terrible. Julian has known that much ever since meeting Tain. Since Garak spat that he hated it on Deep Space Nine and he hated Julian specifically for being something he doesn’t hate. He doesn’t hate him at all, apparently, but he does resent him. He feels ashamed for wanting an alien so much, for feeling such a strong connection to something outside of the State. Something that Tain would punish him for. He punishes himself in Tain’s absence. It’s horrible, the cruel things he thinks so calmly about himself, like it’s natural. Obvious.

Julian’s always known Garak was miserable and he’s done what he can to help him, but he admits there’s been a part of him that thought being away from Cardassia and the Order was good for him. That the station hurt him so much because it was a remedy, and sometimes remedies feel like poison at first when you’re so used to sickness. But of course it’s more complicated than that, of course it runs deeper, and Julian should have done more. Should have invited him out. Should have dragged him into some tennis matches. Should have double-checked that his damn medication was still working after the number that implant did on his brain chemistry.

Shouldn’t have gone to lunch, because now he knows Garak fantasizes about taking him back to Cardassia and enjoining with him and fucking him in fields of flowers and… adopting bloody war orphans together. That is not the sort of thing Julian should know without Garak’s consent.

Even worse, now Garak is suspicious, and he pops into the infirmary the next day to “check on him after his hasty departure the other day.” It’s not even subtle. They both know Julian’s hiding something, but Julian can’t have this conversation without having about ten others that he has no idea how to have yet. And Garak won’t stop thinking about running a soothing hand through his weird human hair and over his fucked up human eyebrows and - once when he makes the mistake of turning around - grabbing his ass. He doesn’t even have an ass, but apparently that doesn’t stop Garak. Bastard! Julian snaps that he’s fine and rushes him out because he has work to do, thank you, my dear tailor. Garak jokes that this is the first time he’s ever been forced out of the infirmary before, but he’s thinking about hacking Julian’s computer while he does it, so Julian growls at him and storms off to upgrade his security system. Again.

Time passes and Julian’s losing his mind trying to solve this mind-reading problem and figure out what to do about Garak. Because of course he has feelings for the man, but he’s avoided thinking too hard about that because Garak’s never been a romantic option. Now he knows there’s a very real possibility that Garak can be trusted, just like he’s always hoped. That Garak loves him to a degree that challenges his loyalties, and if Garak is loyal to Julian, then Julian doesn’t have to worry about him using his augmentations against him. He could finally have a partner he doesn’t have to lie to, who might even understand and accept him. But the fact remains that Garak didn’t want him to know that, and Julian feels guilty. And conflicted. And horny, because Garak’s been spying on him in the promenade without knowing Julian can literally sense his stupid ass and every third lizard-brained thought is about how much he wants to lick him. There’s a part of Julian that wants to just yank him into a changing room and hope that the healing power of sex will just solve everything.

Unfortunately, he knows there’s no way out of Garak freaking out about Julian having heard his every crazy, paranoid and lovelorn thought. And Julian’s savior-complex is going haywire. How do you comfort a man who won’t allow himself to be comforted? How do you return a love someone hates themselves for feeling? Julian updates his medication, but there’s only so much medication can do. Garak needs more than just Julian to kiss him. He needs things Julian doesn’t know how to give.

In the end, Julian is able to deactivate the gene responsible for the telepathy, and things go back to normal. He has lunch with Garak, who is notably pouty, but Julian can only guess at the reason (probably because he couldn’t hack into Julian’s computer–ha), and it’s a relief. They’re back on even footing, Garak is an enigma once more, and all is right with the universe.

Except that everything has changed.

Julian can’t tell him he could read his mind without concocting a lie about why he could suddenly read minds in the first place, because he can’t tell him about Adigeon Prime. In the end, it’s less about whether Garak can be trusted, and more about Julian’s issues. It’s selfish, but Julian’s never told anyone before and he’s not ready to now. It’s too big. Too much. He couldn’t stand it if Garak looked at him differently after. But to lie about it now, so baldly, after the profound vulnerabilities Garak’s expressed without having any idea he’s expressed them, feels wrong, too.

So, Julian doesn’t tell him a lie or the truth or anything at all. He doesn’t tell him until they’re in a prison camp, until Garak’s told him Tain is his father, until the possibility of Garak being ordered to betray Julian is dead and they might die soon after and Julian needs Garak to know he was loved by someone. He needs Garak to know who Julian Bashir really was. A liar. An imposter. A coward. Someone who only ever wanted to heal, who didn’t ask to be a monster. And Garak will forgive him.

But for now, Julian is all those things, so instead of confessing his sins, he brushes his hand against Garak’s. He squeezes his shoulder on his way to get a refill. He brings back a dessert for them to share. He argues and recommends terrible books and invites him out to shows and drags him to tennis matches. He encourages his friendship with Odo and Keiko and later Ziyal. He asks him to teach him Cardassian. He brings him fresh Red Leaf tea. He starts keeping a heated blanket in his quarters. When Garak falls asleep for seventeen minutes and fifty-two seconds while they’re watching a holofilm, Julian pretends not to notice. Inwardly, he cheers.

In the absence of one type of honesty, another takes its place.

#holy shit this is so good #I’d read a 100 chapter fix of this

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