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Oh how I wish he were here instead of you. How selfish and foolish of me.

To feel crushed by loneliness and longing at every turn. To want nothing more than someone others so claim to hurt you.

At least he didnt beat me like our mother did. You still loved her then didn't you?

At least he didnt kill me. Though you still see Krista as one of the best friends I could have don't you?

Sure. He kidnapped me. However when your people came I stayed quiet and didnt raise a fuss. I hid from them.

Did you think I wanted to go back? To her? To you? To a broken family and a home full of bitter memories?

But you had him killed and now I try to move on but can't. Everytime I think maybe I've found someone- I think of him and I feel as if my heart is being ripped into chunks.

Leave me alone. I just want him. I just want to move on. I just want to be happy.

But you are here.

And beasts without hearts arent allowed something as fantastical as happiness.

#The Monster #gore tw #ish #abuse ment #We haven't touched this blog in forever but i feel it will get use now

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Ah, it still some but at least my head is clear now. My eyes still feel about ready to spill over and the pit in my chest is nothing but a dull pressure now.

I never thought that I would feel this way every again. The feeling of being worthless. A burden. I never thought I would ever be so useless that I would be a dead weight one more. Just like with my family then.

#the resident asshole #self harm implication #who am i kidding #my arm would be ribbons if shinra don't stop me

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The only thing I remember is being generally unhappy with my life. Miserable and just- sad. I remember cutting myself and eventually hanging myself. I committed suicide, that's all I remember. I don't know anything else.

#i don't know who i am #new system mate who dis? #literally who dis #tw: self-injury #tw: suicide

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Mamae

I understood my father’s words, Tavene is a beautiful language, but I never spoke until I was four. My first words were in elvhen. She taught them to me and I felt more attached to her than I did my father.

She was an elf of the Southern clan, traveling to close to close to the border between Nevara and Tevinter, captured by slavers and bought by Magister Orihara of Minrathos- My father. He put her to work as a nanny for his three year old son. A three year old with a habit of temper tantrums involving fire magic, she learned that the hard way when she refused to give me what I wanted. I watched her break down in pain, sobbing and afraid of me. None of the other servants did so, I just believed that if I lashed out they realized how badly I wanted something and gave to me.

That day I learned they were all afraid of me. I started crying, I couldn’t stop. Despite her pain and fear, she held me, whispering soft words in a language I didn’t understand but it helped calm me. I healed her burns though my healing wasn’t the best. I was a smart kid, a prodigy according to everyone else and it was such a shame that I seemed to be mute.

Whenever I needed help I went to her, she could always understand what I wanted without words, eventually she started teaching me her language. “___. In elvhen, we called it ____. Can you say it Zaya?” I took it in, listened to her every word and after almost a year, I understood the language her and the other servants spoke to each other. One night when she was putting me to bed, I called her mamae and told her I was sorry for hurting her and the others so much. That I wouldn’t do it anymore, that I was sorry I was so much trouble for my father. She comforted me and sang a song that I will never forget. A lullaby that her mother would sing to her- a lullaby she would have sang to her child if she had one... She treated me like her own, her son, taking care of me. Feeding me, raising me, teaching me of her clan and the history of elves and of the Dales, I was her esha’lin... It felt that way to me anyways. I know none of it is true, I was not her son, I was the child of her master that controlled her into treating me like her own. It was her job to do so. It was what was demanded of her. When I was about sixteen, I asked her about the valasin. I had already learned some of what it was and she told me more before asking if I wished to bare them. It was fear that made her ask, I know this. She feared me.

I said yes and she only nodded. Weeks later, she had all she needed to do what I demanded by just asking. I stayed out in the stables, hidden from view as she worked. By the time dawn came I had dirtha’men’s valasin on my arms, legs, and torso but not my face. If my face was marked father would have found out, so we didn’t dare leave a single line there.

He did find out though, I suppose and what he did I will never forgive.

I remember his students holding me back and making me watch as father slit mamae’s throat and bled her dry. He intended on using blood magic to remove my valasin and alter my memories, but he failed.

Her blood was used that night but not by father. I lost control.

All I remember is tears blurring my vision and screaming so loud and so much that my throat hurt and I couldn’t speak for weeks afterwards. I remember slaughtering everyone in that room and using my father as human pinball. Ricocheting him off every wall, the ceiling, the floor, until he was so battered and bloody that no one would ever be able to recognize him. Even after he was dead I kept screaming, sobbing uncontrollably as the manor caught fire. Cradling her body and begging, demanding that she wake up and come back to me. Please come back.

It was all me I swear.

I made her do it. I made her teach me. I forced her too.

It wasn’t her fault.

Please.

It wasn’t her fault.

Mamae.

Father please give her back.

It was all me, the fault is my own.

Why punish her for my doings?

It wasn’t her fault.

Please.

Give her back.

Mamae.

#the resident asshole #BLOOD TW #violence tw #sacrifice tw #blood ritual tw #slavery mention #teventer is awful #this is a kin blog don't be surprised by memory posts

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tfw u wanna kys Mcfreakin Die Hello yes I’d like a signature McDeath and a small coke “Would you like fries with that?” Ah shit sure why not.

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I’m so useless now. When did this happen?

#the resident asshole

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Dead Man Walking

The world went to shit and I’m 99% sure it was my fault or that I was involved. I guess I got what I deserved then. Just a bite to the wrist. That was all it took.

Shinra helped. Used my blood to make an antivirus.It didn’t kill the infection, but it sure as hell slowed it down- if not stopped it completely. From there he started working on a cure, something to save those who were left from suffering the same fate as those flesh hungry mongrels.

It was me and Celty who would go looking. It had to be. She wasn’t human and couldn’t be infected, meanwhile I was already infected. The shots really did help, I probably wouldn’t have survived as long as I did without them. They may have kept me human, mostly anyways, may have kept me alive but it didn’t stop the toll on my body. I lost so much weight they could see my bones, I got so pale that my veins stood out in stark contrast, my cheeks and eyes sunken in despite how much I ate- not that it helped. Anything I managed to get down I would just vomit back up with some blood, the frequent nose bleeds and migraines combined with swollen joints that made moving painful was absolute torture.

Shinra suggested a feeding tube, I refused, I’m thankful he didn’t force the issue. I had him keep me quarantined, away from all those survivors they found. I don’t know if I was contagious but I wasn’t going to risk it. I only left to look for survivors, fully willing to die so others could be safe.

what’s the point, after all, in saving yourself when you’re already dead?

#the resident asshole #infection tw? #sickness tw #emetophobia #emeto tw #body horror #i guess #New timeline who dis

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Hair spun out of the night sky and eyes of gold. Thick vines of burgundy climb up a marble arm.

"I never asked to be born with this power!"

Rewrite the world around you and make it your own. The materials you don't have you take from your soul. The bonds you break release an energy that you use replenish your soul and make it grow.

But through destruction you break yourself down.

"I'm not just some puppet for you to control father! I'm not your weapon!"

Threads of black cut short. Ties to her blood severed and her crest lay abandoned gathering dust.

"I see the way you treat our people! My mother's people! My people! I will not stand for this!"

A power ment to repurpose and to create. For it to be used for destruction would go against its nature. To go against its nature would be to destroy it's wielder.

"You think that I am a demon? That my- no, mother's power makes me monstrous?"

You're withering away before my eyes. Becoming pale and thin. Your veins show through your skin. Your eyes so full of rage and pain. You spit venom even when you are in agony. Burned alive cell by cell and slowly torn apart.

To use your power to destroy, you destroy yourself.

"You want a monster? I'll show you a monster!"

Please don't say that.

Please don't destroy. It hurts you to destroy.

It hurts me to see you in such pain.

Please princess.

Please.

Don't do it again.

I don't ever want to see you like that again.

#angel of night #god of light #about our princess

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Imagine this:

You open your eyes one day and find yourself in an unfamiliar place. There’s cars and people you don’t know and things you can’t describe. You don’t know where you are but you aren’t home. You don’t know where “home” is but it’s very far away. You ask for help but it falls on deaf ears. No one can see you, no one can hear you.

You learn that you are in a place called Saint Louis and that the year is 1923, none of that sounds familiar to you but you accept this as your life now. You look and feel out of place but you don’t know where your place is. You don’t even know who you are, no name aside from Justice but you know it isn’t right. You have another name but you can’t remember what it was.

You don’t understand time, days and nights blur together, you meet her. Her name is Lenore and she can see you, she’s a child but she can see you. She thinks you are a guardian angel, maybe you are and so you be one. You protect her, comfort her, stay by her side through thick and thin.

Imagine this:

She grows into a beautiful woman, it’s been years since she last spoke to you or even saw you. When she turned thirteen she stopped seeing you and eventually forgot you existed. Still you stay by her, because you are her guardian angel, you must protect her.

You love her.

She marries a man. A man who cheated on her with any woman he could, whether she knew or not you don’t know but it made you angry. You yelled at him, at her too, you tried to harm him but to no avail. You are a ghost now, you can’t do anything to him. You plead with her, beg her to open her eyes and see what he’s doing but she never does. Your words fall on deaf ears.

Imagine this:

She had his kids, two of them. A boy and a girl, you help her all you can but you can’t do much. The children don’t see you but they feel your presence, know you're there. They ignore you most times. Things are fine, though you are still angry at that man and still bitter about her not listening. He still cheats, she still does nothing. You’ve given up talking to her.

She’s bitter now too, people say she’s honry, you say she’s tired. She’s still beautiful and you still love her. She’s tired and getting older but you don’t age, you don’t change and you wish you could.

She still looks beautiful even as she gains wrinkles and slowly loses her hair, just as beautiful as the day you found her to be.

Imagine this:

She’s laying in bed next to the man she married, sleeping but her heart is pounding and it’s not pumping enough blood. She’s having a heart attack and you can do nothing but reach out and soothe her hair, since when could you touch it and actually feel it? You watch her face that was once in pain become peaceful and listen to her heart when it stops. Her eyes open without opening and she sees you for the first time since she was young and she remembers you.

She tells you she has to pass on, that her God needs her but first she asks you a favor.

Imagine this:

There are so many people at a party to celebrate her life, her son is a wreck and her husband is torn. You feel sorry for everyone there, you feel their pain over her loss. She’s there with you, pointing to a small girl who didn’t understand what was happening. She tells you her name is Lexi, she’s Lenore’s favorite grandchild and she wants you to protect her.

You want to go with her but there is no place for you where she is going so you stay and do as she asks.

The girl can see you and thinks you are a guardian angel.

Imagine this:

You still don’t know your name so when asked you say you do not know. Lexi smiles and tells you she can give your a name, you accept and from then on your name was Gandalf Dumbledore because Lexi thinks you’re are a wizard. You ask how she knows, she says your staff meant you were a wizard. You don’t argue.

Imagine this:

You stay by the side of the granddaughter of the woman you came to love. You love this girl too. You love her like a daughter and you protect her as if you are her father. Her second father of course.

She gets older and eventually can’t see you or hear you. Soon she forgets you. You aren’t surprised but you stay by her. When she becomes upset because magic doesn’t exist you say bullshit and make all hey toys levitate and dance around the room for her. The wonder in her eyes and her smile make you proud.

When she falls off the top bunk you catch her, she floats in mid air as you push her back up into bed. She's awake and she asks for her grandmother, asks if she’s there. You know she isn’t but your say she is and kiss the child’s forehead.

She misses her grandmother and so do you.

Imagine this:

Middle school comes and she meets a girl, something is wrong. You feel it. She falls in love with the girl, you tell her to get away from her, she doesn’t listen. Your words fall on deaf ears.

You try to make her see what’s happening but she's in too deep, it’s hurting her so you try to fix it. You enter her body, you don’t like the idea of possession for some reason but you do it. You don’t have control, but you are in her head and she can hear you again.

She thinks you’re her conscience; she thinks you’re her guardian angel. Maybe you are.

Imagine this:

More people begin appearing in her head and they are all so unique, you avoid coming in contact with them. The first one you tried speaking to tried to kill you so you stay away from them. It isn’t hard. There is a whole new world here, made up of bits and pieces of other worlds. You wander it for a while and find a place so familiar to you.

It’s name is Kirkwall and everything comes flooding back.

Imagine this:

You’re name is Elias Barthwal. You are a mage. You set your family barn on fire when you were twelve and your father had you taken away to a place of pain and suffering. You try to escape several times over the course of seven years. You were nineteen when your were free.

You were nineteen when you joined the wardens, nineteen when you helped them save the world. You were twenty by the time you reached Kirkwall.

Imagine remembering everything but it all being blurry around the edges. The faces and names are gone, you don’t remember. Events and how it all happened are clear but the people are not and it’s torture.

You remember the love. You remember the pain. You remember justice and what became of him. What you did to him. You remember it all.

You drown in your guilt.

Imagine this:

You hear Lexi crying and your try to soothe her, she’s losing herself and there is nothing you can do. You hear the voice of the protector and suddenly things are facing apart. The sky breaks and suddenly you are drowning in a thick black liquid, it enters your lungs like swallowing water but immobilizes you like thick tar.

You can’t breathe and it’s so dark. You can’t see and you start to forget. Who are you again?

All you hear is the protector’s voice in your head and then a chorus of voices, all saying one thing. One name. A name you had long since forgotten. Some voices say a different name, but you know they are addressing you. It wakes you up, pulls you out of that abyss but you still hear her voice.

“I trusted you.”

It hurts to think that those very words still applied to you and you will forever bare that guilt and you will forever atone for a crime you don’t remember committing.

Every timeline is different, yours is no exception. Still you will atone for something you didn’t even do.

Imagine this:

You know who your are now and you still aren’t proud. You’ve been isolated for seven years fighting off the corrupted forms of those who used to inhabit this headspace. They come in waves, in armies. There is so many and they’re all coming for Lexi.

But you will protect her because you promised. You won’t go back on your promise this time. You never will again.

You have them again and it’s good to be with them, you’re happy again though you have difficulty talking to them. Isolation will do that to you. You still regret a lot and you still beat yourself up about the things you did and didn’t do.

You still fight and you will never stop fighting. You will get better. You will grow. Things will be okay because you’ve learned and you intend to be better than you were then.

You have them to thank for that. Your friends who became like family and the men you fell in love with, and their voices that called you out of the darkness four years prior. Whenever things feel impossible you think back on the way they sounded. You could hear their smiles and feel the way they all cared for you and you will never forget again.

Imagine this; imagine being happy because you’ve passed through your trails, imagine their voices calling your name.

“Mage.”

“Blondie.”

“Anders.”

#spirit of vengeance #long post #i have been holding all of this in for so long #i just needed to get it out #not actually venting but w/e

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Tfw you can work and get some extra cash that your abs your roomies need but physically, mentally and emotionally you are so exhausted and out of it. Your body feels heavy and light at the save time and like it has this weird exterior film on it, like an extra thick skin but it's also like there is no meat on your bones at all. Mentally you are trying at yourself to move but you know that you'll get a headache and her light headed again but you need the money. Your really need it. Emotionally your a teaspoon. A nonverbal teaspoon. Who the hell am I?

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I can’t believe I’m saying this but I miss him.

I miss the growl and venom in his voice whenever he said my name, like he was literally forcing it out with every ounce of hatred in him.

I miss the way he made my blood boil and skin crawl in the best of ways.

I miss the way he would gnash and grind his teeth whenever I taunted him.

I miss the pain. I miss the feeling of being hit by a truck. I miss the adrenaline of narrowly escaping flying objects that would kill me if they hit.

I miss the fire in his eyes.

I miss the way he would leave bruises all over me and the broken bones. I miss cutting him and watching him bleed.

I hate him. I hate him with every fiber of my being and I miss him so much.

I miss him.

I hate him.

I hate missing him and I miss hating him.

#the resident asshole #violence tw #bruises tw #cuts tw #blood tw #broken bones tw #this isn't about an abusive relationship #it was unhealthy by human standards but not abusive #i think #aliens are weird

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Oh good, Pidge starts the day with a bad shift and I end it with one. Wonderful.

I can hear his pacing in my head and I feel my body ache in all the places it has before and I’m scared and i want to die. I want to curse my name and disappear like I did back then.

I want to keep enforcing the name Kogane as if it’s my real last name because at least then I don’t think of him Everytime i hear that name.

There’s so many good memories tired to Gyeong but there’s also just as many bad ones and right now the bad is greatly out weighting the good. I can’t take this.

Good thing I’ve been sitting on the bathroom for hours because I feel sick.

#flames of distrust

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I feel like I need to disappear due the day but I don't eat to make anyone worry. I feel like I'm waiting for something and that I'm not allowed to do anything until it's happened. But I don't know what it is

#renegade warrior

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I’m a monster.

I never told anyone this, I can’t even begin to tell anybody this. The Gal. ra, the war, all of it. I fought Zar. kon and I won, I killed him. People know that, what they don’t know is how much I hated the Gal. ra.

I would have killed all of them, I really would have. If I hadn’t died from blood-loss, I would have gone on to make sure every single Gal. ra in the entire universe was dead. I would have committed the geno. cide of an entire race and it’s not good. I’m not…

I don’t think I can even consider myself human anymore. I can’t. I mean who hates a single race, no matter how much they’ve taken from you, to the point of wanting them all dead? To the point of geno. cide I just- I’m not human anymore.

It doesn’t feel like it I am, I’m a monster. There’s no such thing as a good war, even I know that but I’m still a monster. This is the only explanation for it and I can’t let anyone know, if I did they would- they would hate me.

If they would know how horrible I am, they would see me for what I really am. They would know I’m a monster….

I’m glad actually.

I’m glad my dad and Matt died because at least then they didn’t get to see the monster I became.

#renegade warrior #I can't eat when I'm like this #I'll just feel sick

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Ugh.

I hate this. Why do I have to deal with this??

I’m hungry, Daichi’s horny (Baton and Izaya too so yay) and Bro is having a fucking panic attack mixed with a pity parity because oF THAT FIXING COMIC WE CAN’T BLOCK BECAUSE MOBILE IS USELESS.

I don’t know what to do. Maybe I should just sleep it all off. I don’t really want to bother anyone to help take care of our out of control asses right now. *Sigh*

#bird of prey #nsfw

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It's not like anyone cares. It's not like I'm important. I'm invisible, no one notices me at all. I don't matter and when they find a better thing to occupy themselves then I'm on stand by. It's just like when I was with her. You don't love me. You don't care. If you did you'd care when I wasn't upset but you only care if I am. Fuck you and fuck me for ever thinking this wouldn't happen. It always happens.

#Nate don't look #I wish you weren't following this blog #I don't want you to see what I fucking monster I am #I'd rather be deadchi

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This is great!

Papa has let me take the front even though he thinks I shouldn’t without therapy.

It’s laughable honestly. He just stepped out and told me I could take over if I wanted so of course I did!

Then he left the area I can see in headspace so I don’t know where he is!

This is great! The man who told all of us not to let Misery’s words get to us has done just that!

He’s let her get to him and turn everything sour and now he can’t live with himself for being so stupid!

I was wrong this system stuff isn’t so bad! It’s still so fun to watch things unfold first hand!

#the resident asshole #nate don't look