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How are you supposed to take care of your anxiety when the system is set up so everything along that path triggers your anxiety?

In order to get my medications refilled (for both the chronic physical and mental conditions, which I've been out of for 2 months, which is wreaking absolute havoc on my quality of life), I will have to call (on a PHONE) my doctor's offices in another state and explain to them that I need refills even though I haven't seen them in over a year because I just started a new job and I have to wait 3 months to be on their healthcare plan, at which point I'll have to find a new doctor anyway, but I don't want to get fired from that job in the meantime for melting down on it because I can't take my medication. And no, I can't come and see them for a checkup in another state, because, as I just mentioned, I have a new job. I also got a letter from my insurance company saying my most expensive medication isn't covered anymore, which I'm not too worried about because I'll be on another healthcare plan in a few months, but I will need SOMETHING to get me through in the meantime.

Everything about all of this calls for executive function and self-advocacy, which I just don't have right now, partially mostly because I don't have the medication. I'm using every single spoon I have (and my emergency reserves) to adjust to this new job and not act like a total weirdo. I am spending all of my executive function, functioning for executives. I cannot/will not do this for myself. I have a few people in my life who wish they could help, but they can't because of HIPAA (which I know we should have as a society but is very inconvenient for this purpose) and signing a medical power of attorney would be ludicrous and fraught with complications.

So I'm sitting here. Rocking back and forth. Trying not to cry. Knowing I'd be fine if I just had all the pills and shots I need, but totally unable to procure them for myself. Because you ought to just pick yourself up by your bootstraps and keep going with a good attitude, and you deserve to die if you don't. America is the bad place.

#anxiety #mental health #america is hell #healthcare #ableism #disability

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This is my login screen at work but it just looks like a straight dude’s online dating profile.

#just to be clear I’m interested in straight dudes #much to my chagrin

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#dog #cute #I don’t own a dog #but this makes me wish I did

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Preach, LeVar.

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me staring at my calculator app for 45 seconds before i remember i was trying to open my clock app to set an alarm

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I’m so tired. And I have so much work to do. I hate this life thing. 1 star, no review because writing about it would upset me further.

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bounce bounce bounce

(via)

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Pearl Beloved of Great Renown

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She still is. She’s my daughter.

Then maybe you should tell her that once in a while. 

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Why does this egg have legs

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Chinese giant salamander (娃娃鱼) a.k.a ‘baby fish’ due to the sound they make that sounds like a baby crying.

The Chinese giant salamander is one of the largest salamanders and one of the largest amphibians in the world. It is fully aquatic and is endemic to rocky mountain streams and lakes in the Yangtze river basin of central China.

The Chinese giant salamander is considered to be a "living fossil". Although protected under Chinese laws, its population has faced severe declined over the last 70 years and is currently (2022) listed as threatened. There are evidence indicating that the Chinese giant salamander may be composed of at least five cryptic species, further compounding each individual species' endangerment.

Here is a video of a 200-year-old Chinese giant salamander that was found in a cave.

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tippy tap

#an armadillo chased me through the woods as a child #like a small child #it felt like jurassic park

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Fanfic is free and better than most books. I should know. I used to read 500 of them a year.

the child who reads 500 books a year to 20 something adult who only reads fanfic pipeline

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“When we set children against one another in contests - from spelling bees to awards assemblies to science “fairs” (that are really contests), from dodge ball to honour rolls to prizes for the best painting or the most books read - we teach them to confuse excellence with winning, as if the only way to do something well is to outdo others. We encourage them to measure their own value in terms of how many people they’ve beaten, which is not exactly a path to mental health. We invite them to see their peers not as potential friends or collaborators but as obstacles to their own success… Finally, we lead children to regard whatever they’re doing as a means to an end: The point isn’t to paint or read or design a science experiment, but to win. The act of painting, reading, or designing is thereby devalued in the child’s mind.”

— Alfie Kohn, The Myth Of The Spoiled Child

#oh #this makes sense #I thought I was a competitive asshole #but really I just want to win so I’ll have value and be loved #and why I hated competitions even though I nearly always won

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Jean-Luc Picard, Starfleet hero, captain of the Federation flagship, terrified of small children and horny middle-aged moms.