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gem-morey · 14 days

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Ordinary Heaven | Genya

Date: Late April 2024 Featuring: @gem-morey Warnings: Death, grief

Gem gives Tanya a gift and says goodbye.

GEM:Maybe it was too late.

There was a part of Gem that hoped that was true. He was used to the taste of regret, and while it was bitter, he was pretty sure he’d be able to stomach it better than grief.

But Tanya was already fucking haunting him and he needed to at least try. And if he was too late. If he had missed her, then he could blame it on her stupid request for the stupid zine. Or he could just blame himself, like he did for everything. It would be easy.

Easier than if he wasn’t too late and Tanya was on the other side of the Hauntley door.

His hand ran up the bumpy, familiar railing, daring it to leave a splinter, as he took the steps two at a time and then stood on the creaking porch. The wood groaned with his weight as he rocked back on his heels, only one moment of hesitation, before he opened the door and stepped inside.

Poor Demi nearly sprung through the roof at the sight of him. (Why couldn’t he die a second death instead of Tanya?)

“Is Tanya here?”

“Wha--yes? Yes!”

“Where?” Gem asked, coming further into the foyer.

“Miss Song’s room.”

Gem flinched a little. “Thanks.”

He turned to the stairs.

“Wait--”

Gem didn’t listen, taking them two at a time all the way up until he was standing in front of the half-opened door. When he entered, the floor creaked and the door creaked even louder. He couldn’t help the way his eyes swept around the room. Snow’s robe was draped over her armoire chair. A vase of roses on the side table. The pane of glass he’d fixed in the window glared a little clearer and brighter than all the rest.

His gaze finally landed on Tanya. “You’re taking your time getting the fuck out of here,” he said.

TANYA: Yes, Tanya was. She was in no rush. There were still loose ends to tie up. Tanya had to finish the zine, make sure her stuff was taken care of so that Snow didn’t have to handle all of it. She had to say goodbye to everyone, even the people that she weren’t sure counted as friends, like Jessie. No, actually, now that Tanya thought about it, Jessie counted.

As far as Tanya was concerned, though, Gem was not one of those loose ends. Tanya had told him what she needed to tell him. She’d asked him to be a part of the zine, and he’d said no. As neat and orderly as Tanya wanted things to be before she left, she also recognized that she couldn’t control what other people did. Maybe, someday, Gem would realize why the zine was so important to her. But she couldn’t wait around for him.

She just hoped that he took it to heart, what she’d said. That he was important to her. That she cared about him. Even if he wasn’t ready to hear it yet.

Tanya looked up when she heard Gem’s voice, eyebrows crinkling with confusion. “What?” she said. “You know, a hello would have been nice, but sure, that works too. Are you looking for Snow or something?”

GEM:Right, so maybe that wasn’t the best way to start this conversation, but Gem’s heart was already pounding. Just coming up the stairs, finding out Tanya was still here after all--he’d felt like he was racing down a clock of his own stupid making.

And he’d never really been able to control his mouth. Even when he was trying, really hard. (In fact, that almost made it worse. Like the act of being sincere was somehow offensive to him.)

He swallowed. “You’d like that wouldn’t you?” he quipped and then let out a long breath through his nose. “Sorry. I--no, I’m not here for Miss Song. I am here for…you. I have something.” He reached into his pocket, pulling out a battered, folded piece of paper.

He didn’t offer it up yet. Just held it between two gloved fingers, his thumb flicking the corner of it thoughtfully.

TANYA: Tanya didn’t let herself get her hopes up that this was something for the zine.

Well. That wasn’t entirely true. Because she saw the piece of paper in Gem’s hand, and her heart jumped. But then she reminded herself to adjust her expectations. Whatever was on that paper, Tanya was still moving on. Even if it was a letter begging her to stay, or telling her this was a bad idea.

She hoped it wasn’t that, though. Tanya didn’t want to fight with Gem again.

Slowly, Tanya stood up from her spot on the floor where she had been sorting through things for the zine. “Okay, well, what is it?” Tanya asked, holding out her hand expectantly.

GEM:Tanya stood up and Gem’s gaze skittered away from her. It landed on the zine, the mess of papers and scraps, glossy magazine pictures and scissors. There was the faint smell of glue hanging in the air. It looked messy and out of place in Snow’s clean room with her pressed sheets and otherwise clean rug. There were no dust bunnies here.

There were no places to hide.

“It is for you.” Gem still held onto it. He was not sure why. He’d written it. It already existed. And it would be so easy to take off his glove and catch the edge of the thin paper alight, let it burn into ash and blow it away. But that was already going to happen to Tanya.

(In fact, technically, it already had. He remembered the urn. Her name across the front of it. The way it had winked in the sunshine and looked so heavy.)

If he handed over the piece of paper, it would be safe from all his worst impulses. But handing it over also meant handing over a piece of himself. He didn’t even know if she would understand it. What he was trying to say, because there was a truth he’d never told buried between the stupid, fluffy prose. Maybe she wouldn’t know. That was probably for the best but--

Some part of him wanted her to figure it out.

Tilting his body, so that he could hold onto the piece of paper for as long as possible, he reached out and laid it gently in her open palm. With his gloves making him unable to feel the paper, it felt like he had put nothing into her hand at all.

TANYA: Frowning, Tanya unfolded the paper.

It was a letter. Or maybe it was a poem. Or maybe it was just a bunch of half-formed thoughts, addressed to her. What was the difference, really?

Tanya had never been very good in English class, but she knew what made something a poem. If you meant it to be a poem. And if, in that process of meaning, it became something more than the sum of its parts. That’s what this seemed like, as Tanya’s eyes scanned across the page. Gem wrote about some secret, but then he didn’t actually tell her a secret.

Or maybe he did. Because the poem was full of secrets, things Gem didn’t talk about. Swings creaking in the wind. Sisters Tanya didn’t know about. That he didn’t know how to tell anyone anything. That maybe he wanted to tell someone something.

I love you, I guess, Gem wrote, and Tanya’s eyes brimmed with tears.

She didn’t know what made Gem do it. Maybe it was someone, or something, or maybe it was just time. Tanya had imagined the latter would eventually cause him to come around to understanding why Tanya was moving on, and what she had asked of him. She just hadn’t expected to be around anymore when that time came.

Slowly, with shaking hands, Tanya refolded the paper and looked up at Gem. “Thank you,” she said, which was just two words, but it was the most sincere, vulnerable thing she’d ever said to him, her voice shaking with it. It was only fair, considering what she was holding in her hands. “So this is… it’s for me? Wait, you said that.” She laughed wetly.

GEM:Gem felt like just closing his eyes. Because, on one hand, he didn’t want to stand here awkwardly while Tanya read his shite poetry that he wanted to snatch back and burn as soon as it was in her hands. On the other, he was standing in Snow’s room and everywhere he looked--there was Snow. It even smelled like Snow. The whole place, like she might just be in the bathroom or tucked behind a curtain. The whole thing was an emotional sensory overload and his palms were itching horribly. He finally decided on just staring resolutely at the ground. He wasn’t even safe from that, though, because looking at the floor, he thought about the time he’d slept on a cot here, at the end of Snow’s bed. Curled up like a loyal dog.

Still, it was better than looking at Tanya. Waiting for her verdict like judge and jury.

When she spoke, her voice was thin and frail, but Gem still flinched before glancing up. The expression on her face was unfamiliar, but he was sure a similar one was reflected on his own. He wanted to ask her: did you get it? Do you understand?

But, it didn’t matter. Soon Tanya would just be ash. And any secrets she may or may not have learned would die with her.

And the world would be a little colder.

“Yeah, it’s for you,” Gem said, his voice soft and rasping. He cleared his throat, brushed his gloved hand against his nose. “Do whatever with it. I don’t care.”

TANYA: Tanya looked at the poem again, and then at Gem, still shaking. She didn’t know what to make of all of it. But maybe that was okay. The biggest lesson Tanya had learned so far, in all of this, was that some of the most important things in life didn’t make any sense and you just had to be okay with that. And sometimes there was something beautiful in all the nonsense.

“I know you’re not going to believe me, Gem. But you’re going to be okay,” she said with a small smile. “I wish I was going to be around to see it. But you’re braver than you give yourself credit for—” Her voice broke, and Tanya swallowed, cutting herself off. She was getting all sentimental now, wasn’t she?

“I never had a brother, you know?” Tanya added. “I didn’t even really know that I needed one. But I did. So- yeah. I’m going to shut up now before you change your mind about giving me this.”

GEM:Gem didn’t need to hear that he was going to be okay, because despite what everyone apparently thought of him, he was fine. Actually, he was great. He wasn’t in jail. It had been years since he had burned anyone. His mama and papa were in good health. His brothers were thriving. To him, that was all he needed. He didn’t think being okay had anything to do with being brave. Life just happened to you. Gem had accepted that a long time ago.

Still, the emotion in Tanya’s voice tugged at his own. He felt tears crawling up his throat again and he worked his jaw, the muscle seesawing, to keep from crying.

Again, there were so many things he wanted to say, but it felt too late. Tanya was moving on and even if she was like a sister to him, what was the point of saying it? It would only make it hurt more. It hurt enough already. Gem didn’t do painful things. He ran away from them or he ignored them, but Tanya had gotten in first, then blown him up from the inside.

“Yeah, well, guess I can’t turn the brother thing off, sorry,” Gem’s voice was gravelly. He tried to clear it again, taking a breath and blinking up at the ceiling.

“Maybe, uh--you can put in a good word for me with whoever’s like…in charge or whatever. Wherever you’re goin’. Just in case. I could probably use it, eh?” Gem let the ghost of a smile flicker over his face.

TANYA: Tanya smiled through her tears. She didn’t believe in God, not the way some people she knew did, but if that ended up being the case, sure, she’d vouch for Gem. She’d meant what she said. Gem was going to be okay.

“I think you’re fine, but I’ll keep that in mind. Personally, I’m kinda hoping for reincarnation or something like that. So next time you get attacked by a stray cat, you can be like, oh, that was probably Tanya,” she joked.

It was kind of the truth, though. If she had to pick one, out of all the different theories people had. At the end of the day, though, it didn’t really matter. Tanya trusted that whatever was next was where she was supposed to be, and that had to be enough.

She took a deep breath. “I’m, uh, going back to Leeds this weekend. Gonna put my urn back where it’s supposed to be and all before I say goodbye to everyone. You can come if you want, but… I get it if not. It’s not gonna be a lot of us. Just me and Snow and, like, some other people who weren’t busy.”

GEM:Gem’s heart lurched in his chest and he felt suddenly sick.

It just wasn’t right. His instinct was to fight against this. Maybe his life was shitty. Or he was doing a bad job of it. But, he still loved life. He’d rather be alive than dead. Everything about him was too fast, too hot, too passionate to be someone who hated life. If he hated life, he wouldn’t be here right now. That was for damn sure. He would’ve met whatever maker long before Tanya.

One thing about Gem: he rarely gave up. Certainly not on life, on freedom.

He couldn’t help but feel, still, like that was what Tanya was doing. But, he understood a bit more now. Tanya was dead. Her life was already over. For some reason, it had been her lot to die young. Her time had run out.

“I figure I’ll just say goodbye now,” Gem said, his own voice trembling, though he looked at Tanya--no tears falling. He didn’t know why he was trying to hold them in. Maybe because he was just--scared of what might happen if he let himself really feel that goodbye.

“Sorry, it’s just--” he flexed one of his hands uncomfortably. His powers were always an uncontrollable, unpredictable thing. And he had never dealt with grief before. The last thing he needed was to set a bloody car full of people on fire as his heart broke under the weight of grief.

“So, uhm--goodbye.”

TANYA: Tanya had insisted on the zine, but she didn’t expect Gem to come to Leeds. Honestly, she didn’t expect anyone to come to Leeds. She could say goodbye here just as well, and honestly, she just wanted to have the chance to do that.

She shook her head when Gem apologized, as though to say, No need. Wasn’t like they’d ever apologized to each other before. That’s how it was with siblings. You never really said sorry because you never really expected to lose each other.

But this was it. So maybe it made sense after all— but Tanya still didn’t really think Gem needed to.

“Yeah. Goodbye,” she said, wringing her hands, tears spilling out now. “Can I- can we hug? Like, I know with your magic, you don’t- but it doesn’t affect me, you know, it never has. So…” She looked up at him hopefully.

GEM:It was over now, right? This torture could be done with. Gem could go--

Get back to his life.

(It felt wrong to think it. He felt strangely guilty, an emotion he was, surprisingly, not overly familiar with. He found it a useless emotion, usually. Shit happened. That was the motto of his life. And this, especially, had no control over. It wasn’t his fault Tanya had died. She’d died before he was even born. And yet…to go on living--)

Tanya wasn’t done wringing out every piece of Gem yet. He supposed he shouldn’t be surprised by her shakedown. She’d never had boundaries, really.

But even just her asking had his foot sliding back a half step.

“I dunno,” he said at once.

Even if he couldn’t hurt her…Gem wasn’t someone who was very affectionate. The last time he’d hugged someone was…bloody years ago now. After that kerfuffle at the Farmer’s Market. (The kerfuffle being when Gem had burned his family’s stall down.) Even then, Seb hadn’t asked. He’d just done it. Gem hadn’t hugged him back. He didn’t even know if he remembered how. The idea made his stomach clench with a strange sensation, like he was falling, or had just spun around too many times.

“I--” Gem’s voice strangled itself. What if he was a shit hugger? Or what if he completely lost it and started crying like a bitch?

Tanya was dying. It wouldn’t matter to her. Just another secret she could take to the grave.

He took a breath. “Yeah, alright,” he allowed, but he stood, slightly hunched, arms hanging, just a little out from his sides, unsure what was next.

TANYA: Tanya hadn’t been one for physical affection either, at least, during her life. Her afterlife had turned out to be different. In her afterlife, it seemed that she was constantly running to Snow to cry on her shoulder, or leaning her head against Mim’s while they listened to music, or, lately, taking Penny’s hand when they had hard conversations. It hadn’t mattered to her before, but it mattered to her now. She liked feeling close to people in that way, feeling their solidness against her, whether she was flickering or not.

She knew Gem wasn’t the same. Maybe because of his curse, maybe for another reason. So it meant something that he agreed to anyway.

Tanya took a step forward and wrapped her arms around Gem, squeezing him only a little bit at first, and then tighter. In a way, Tanya realized, she’d wanted to do this since he’d picked her up at the police station years ago, when she’d turned her gratitude into annoyance because it was easier. But Tanya was done with easy. She’d picked honest.

She tried not to cry, but that didn’t work, of course. If she’d been mortal, she would have gotten some snot on his shirt, probably, but luckily for Gem, ghosts didn’t work like that.

“Sorry,” she whispered against his shirt. “I just- well, I don’t have to say it, you already know what I mean.”

GEM:Tanya pressed against Gem, her head knocking into his chest, her arms going around him. She felt solid and alive. Maybe not warm, like he imagined a body might, but that was alright. Gem wasn’t bothered in the slightest about that. He was always warm.

He felt the smallest shift of her head against his sweater. The way her fingers curled into his back. The way she squeezed around his ribs. Focusing on these little details was involuntary, but they did help keep Gem from absolutely losing it. A few tears escaped, but not nearly as much as Tanya. And he marveled, too, at her crying at all. How he could feel it vibrating through him. How she was crying for him. Because of him? Because of them, he guessed.

Hesitantly, he wrapped his own arms around Tanya. One of his hands went to her hair, and he wished for just a moment, that he wasn’t wearing his gloves and he could feel the strands on his fingers. But maybe this was for the best. This ghost of a touch. After all, Tanya was a ghost of a girl.

Her apology didn’t make sense to him at first. His brow twitched, wondering what it was she was apologizing for.

And then, he realized that she was apologizing for leaving.

His lip trembled and he had to take in a sharp breath. His arms tightened around her a little on instinct. He wasn’t even paying attention to the flames flickering out of the edges of his gloves, singing the sleeves of his sweater.

“It’s okay,” he said, dipping his head down. After a brief moment, he brushed his lips against the top of her head. Her messy hair tickled at his lips. “I get it.”

He didn’t. He was still angry and he would probably be angry for a while. But, sometimes, lying to a dead girl was a nice thing to do.

TANYA: Did he get it?

Tanya didn’t know. Gem didn’t usually get it. That was usually how they wound up fighting. Over the past few weeks, as Tanya had made her peace with moving on, part of that was accepting that she couldn’t expect Gem to change his entire worldview for her, just so that he would get it. So she didn’t expect him to get it.

But what she’d wanted was for him to try. Which wasn’t easy. It involved going to a lot of painful places, places that Tanya probably didn’t even understand. It was a lot to ask. She could tell, now, that Gem was trying.

So she didn’t mind if it was a lie. That was what siblings did sometimes. Tanya had many years of practice at being a little sister, and she understood it.

“Thank you,” she whispered, clinging to him for a moment longer, listening to the sound of his very real, very alive heartbeat. And then she pulled back, smoothing her hair. “Well- anyway. I’ll see you in the next life, alright?” She tried for a smile, but it just made more tears fall. That was alright. Gem had seen her at her worst before. This was hardly even up there with the messiest she’d been in front of him. Barely cracked the top three.

GEM:Tanya pulled away and Gem let her go. At least physically, that part wasn’t hard to do. He felt like he could breathe again now that she wasn’t in his space. But that didn’t stop the fire that was nibbling at his sleeves and starting to smoke.

It was hard to turn to go, though.

Gem still didn’t agree with any of this. He thought it was stupid and unfair and it didn’t make any sense to him. It wasn’t in his nature to just let things lie. He liked when the air was cleared. When he didn’t have to guess at what people were saying or thinking. (In this case, wondering what might happen--if Tanya stayed. Fearing what would happen when she left.) That was why he’d rather fight than pretend.

But Tanya was stubborn and Gem had regretted enough things in his life.

He wasn’t going to regret this. That was something he promised himself when he got out of jail. He’d do everything in life with zeal and he wouldn’t regret anything. Chances taken, chances passed him by. He’d appreciate all of this. And, while grief seemed counterintuitive to life, it was part of it. Death was part of it. This was to be his first lesson in it and, he supposed, he should be grateful for the gentleness of it.

“Yeah,” Gem said, “I’ll see you on the other side.”

He stayed for another moment--his eyes tracing over Tanya’s face--before he nodded once and turned on his heel.

#swyntanya #genya #ordinary heaven #<3

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