ilygsd

[ilygsd]

FAQ: How can I improve my self-esteem?

Practise basic self-care.

Sometimes people dismiss self-care as something that doesn’t actually make a difference. But while it might not solve all your problems, it does usually help to treat yourself as though you deserve to be cared for (which you do). Get enough sleep, drink lots of water, eat enough food with enough nutrients in it, get some fresh air and exercise, talk to the people who care about you, make time to relax and do things that you enjoy. It’s easier to learn to like yourself if you’re taking care of your basic needs.

Make a list of evidence.

Get a notebook, or a piece of paper, or a word document, or a notes app on your phone, and every day write down at least one positive thing about yourself. This could be a personality trait (”I’m honest/funny”), or a physical trait (”I have nice hair/eyes”), or something you’re good at (”I’m a fast runner/good listener”), or something you did that day that went well (”I handed in my work on time/I cooked dinner for my family”). When you’re feeling bad about yourself, read through the list and look at the evidence that actually, there are good things about being you. The longer you keep this up, the more evidence you’ll collect.

Practise reframing your thoughts.

If you often find yourself in thinking spirals where one bad thing happens, and so you start to think about everything that has ever gone wrong and everything you’ve ever disliked about yourself, it can help to practise stopping yourself mid-terrible-thought-stream, and rephrase your thought in a more balanced way. For example, “I made a mistake at work, which is proof that I’m bad at my job and a terrible person” might change to “it sucks that I made a mistake, but I will learn from it and do better next time. Making a mistake doesn’t mean I’m bad at what i do, or a bad person”. It might take time to start believing your new, reframed thoughts. But the first step is to stop instantly believing the negative things you say to yourself, and start questioning them.

To practise questioning your thoughts next time you’re thinking negatively about yourself, you could ask yourself questions like these:

What evidence is there that this statement is true? What evidence is there that this statement is false?

If a close friend said this about themselves, how would I respond?

Even if this one negative thing is true, does it mean that I am beyond help/my life is ruined forever/everything else about me is awful?

If Donald Trump said this to me, what would I say to him in response?

Do something positive with your time.

If you’re feeling like a bad person, or useless, do something to counteract that. Send a text to a friend asking how they are. Call your grandparents. Invite someone over for dinner. Leave a nice comment on someone’s social media post. Create your own supportive or motivating social media post. Offer to run an errand for a stressed out family member. Give some money or food to a homeless person. Donate to a food bank. Sign up for some voluntary work. Making someone’s day a little better is something we can all do.

Aim for something realistic.

Guess what? You don’t have to like everything about yourself. Someone with good self-esteem can be aware of their strengths and their flaws - the difference is how much you focus or place importance on those strengths and flaws. It’s okay to dislike something about yourself, as long as you don’t focus on that trait as your main defining trait. It’s okay to think you’re imperfect (because everyone is), as long as you don’t end up thinking “I’m not perfect, so I must be a terrible person”. You don’t have to be the best person that ever lived - how would we even measure that? You still have worth, even with your faults.

Honestly, I find some positivity advice a bit too positive! It’s not usually realistic to go straight from “I hate myself” to “I am a beautiful bad-ass god/dess”. So if you’re currently at “I hate myself”, aim to get to “I don’t hate myself” before you jump to “I love myself”. Improving your self-esteem is still an achievement, even if your new opinion of yourself is less “I’m amazing”, and more “I’m not that bad”. 

[ilygsd]

I just left a 1 year relationship and i've realized that a lot of what i did in it points towards me being a bad person. I was stubborn, greedy, manipulative & i prioritised myself & my needs over theirs cos i was too selfish to think about anyone but me. I feel like a monster for being so toxic, and im worried that it makes me a bad person who won't find 'the one' cos i'll ruin every relationship . Do u have any advice for coping with this, or ways i can change/determine if i am a bad person?

A bad person wouldn’t think that there was anything wrong with being greedy and manipulative in a relationship. A bad person wouldn’t feel bad for doing something wrong. A bad person wouldn’t acknowledge that they needed to change. So, I don’t think you’re a bad person. I think that you did some things that were wrong, and you treated someone badly, but you are capable of recognising what you did wrong, and changing your behaviour in the future.

The first thing you can do is make an effort to stop wallowing in self-pity about this, and start to make changes. Feeling bad about this is partly a good thing, because it means that you’re sorry. However, if you continue to beat yourself up and tell yourself that you’re a bad person and a monster, there’s a risk that you’ll start feeling like you’re incapable of change. Then there’s a risk that you’ll get into new relationships and constantly complain to your partner about how they shouldn’t even be with you because you’re a toxic monster, and how they probably hate you, and how you should just leave and let them be happy, and then they’ll feel compelled to reassure you and make loads of effort to make you feel like you’re a good person, and it won’t work, and you’ll be in a situation where you’re being just as manipulative as you were before. The other risk is that you’ll internalise being a bad person, and think “oh, there’s no point being nice to this person, I’ll only ruin it with my monstrous ways anyway”, or “there’s no point trying to fix this relationship and make it healthier, I’m such a bad person so it’ll never work”, and then you’ll continue treating people badly because you don’t believe you’re capable of anything else. So, beware of those two self-fulfilling prophecies.

Here are some next steps you could consider:

Could you apologise to your ex? Not in an attempt to get back together or anything, just as a way to get closure and let them know that you realise that how you behaved was wrong. If they’ve asked you to leave them alone and not contact them, then don’t do this. However, if it seems reasonable to send them an email or message, maybe it could be a positive thing to do for both of you. Don’t expect a response, just apologise without any agenda.

Do some self-reflection, and figure out where these negative behaviours come from. What emotions trigger manipulative behaviour for you (anger? Jealousy? Loneliness?)? What thoughts go through your head that make you feel like you need to manipulate someone? The more you know about why you did the things you did, the easier it will be to change. For example, if negative thoughts about yourself cause you to lash out, you can learn techniques to stop those thoughts in their tracks. If anger leads you to treat people badly, you can learn techniques to control your anger and release it in healthier ways. Figure out what you need to target.

Be aware of your toxic behaviours, and start making a conscious effort to stop those behaviours. Make a list of the things you did that weren’t okay. Next time you feel yourself doing something similar, stop. Disengage. Walk away and calm down. Or, make an effort to do the opposite; for example, if you notice yourself talking for hours about yourself, make an effort to ask the person you’re talking to about how they are feeling. You might not notice everything at first, but with practise, you can become more self-aware.

Take care of your mental health. If it feels like this is too difficult to change on your own, it may be helpful to talk all of this through with a therapist. They may be able to help you have some insight into your behaviour, and to you learn some coping techniques for any difficult thoughts or feelings, that don’t involve hurting anyone. It’s okay to ask for help with this - a good therapist will be non-judgemental, and will want to help you. You might also find some of these self help resources useful.

It probably won’t be easy, but if you make the effort to work on yourself, and learn to treat people with respect, then you will be capable of having healthy relationships in the future.

[ilygsd]

FAQ: How to get over someone?

Get some space.

First and foremost, get some space from the person you’re trying to get over. Stop calling them, stop texting them, hide or block their posts on social media, and avoid spending time with them face-to-face. If you continue to talk to them all the time and spend all your time with them and go to them for emotional support, you’re keeping your feelings for them alive at the surface. 

If you work with them, or go to school with them, or are in the same friend group, it might not be possible to avoid them completely. But you can avoid contacting them outside of the environment in which you have to see them, keep your communication professional, or ensure that you only see them as part of group outings, not one-on-one hangouts.

Take care of yourself.

If you need to be sad for a bit, then be sad for a bit - you don’t need to bottle up your emotions and pretend everything is fine if it isn’t. If you need to spend a couple of days wallowing, listening to Taylor Swift and eating Ben & Jerry’s in bed, let yourself do that. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to vent to the people close to you about how much this situation sucks, ask them to listen. 

Clear out your environment.

Get rid of things that remind you of them, for example, gifts they gave you, or photos of you both. It’s not helpful to live in an environment where you’re constantly looking at memories of the person. If you think you’ll want them later on, give them to a friend to hold on to, or put them in the attic where you can’t see them. If you find that you’re always listening to music that reminds you of the person, get your friends/family/online community to recommend new music for you to listen to.

Keep busy.

Keep yourself busy. Spend time with your friends, focus on your work, school or hobbies, do some volunteer work, go on vacation. Use this time to refocus on yourself and what you want. What are your goals? What are your passions? What new activity have you always wanted to try? What project have you been meaning to start but never got around to it? You’ve always had a life outside of being in a romantic relationship, and now is the time to properly reconnect with the areas of your life that might not have been your focus for a while.

Remind yourself that other people exist.

There are different levels of seriousness to this step - if you just got out of a long-term relationship, it might not be time to jump into a new relationship just yet. All this is about is reminding yourself that the person you’re getting over isn’t the only person you’ve ever been attracted to, or the only person you ever will be attracted to. This might involve downloading a dating app or two, or asking friends to introduce you to someone new, or watching Love Island and admiring all the swimwear models, or reconnecting with your favourite celebrity crush by watching or listening to whatever it is they do. I don’t recommend getting into anything serious until you feel like you’ve moved on from the person you’re moving on from, but if you want to go on some casual dates and remember that you’re capable of dating, go for it. And if you don’t, that’s fine as well! Take things at whatever pace you need to.

Remember that this is temporary.

When you have very strong feelings for someone, it’s very easy to fall into the trap of saying “they’re the love of my life, I will never get over them, I will never feel this strongly about someone else ever again”. But the truth is, most people who say stuff like that do eventually move on. If everyone who felt like they would never get over someone actually never got over them, the world would be full of miserable adults still hung up on their high school first love! In reality, people grow and change and move on, and find love again when they’re ready.

Getting over someone is tough, but basically everyone has to do it at some point, and basically everyone gets through it. Take care of yourself, and remind yourself that just because you haven’t moved on yet, doesn’t mean you never will. You just need more time.

[ilygsd]

Attitudes and Mindsets that can Change your Life

1. Knowing deep inside that you are good enough.

2. Believing you can do it, and believing you can make it.

3. Choosing to be grateful when you feel like complaining.

4. Choosing to hang in there when you feel you’ve had enough.

5. Knowing each new day is a true gift and fresh beginning.

6. Valuing others, and treating others well.

7. Investing in people instead of chasing things.

[ilygsd]

you will make it out alive. you will have done it. that future version of you exists. a happy one, one that looks back at you and is so glad you did not give up.

[ilygsd]

When I was younger, I wish someone had told me straight-up that not all adults experience “a calling”. That many of them never find particular purpose in a career. That sometimes, their job is just what pays the bills and they have to seek satisfaction and fulfillment elsewhere. 

Because as an adult, this pervasive notion that there exists a perfect path for everyone, that people should love what they do, and that work is meant to function as a vehicle for fulfilling a person’s grand life destiny is not only inaccurate for many of us, it can be toxic.

The ideal is so ingrained that I have to remind myself constantly I’m not a failure because I don’t adore my job, and because I’m not rocking the world with my work. That is okay. 

Sometimes, work is just work. There isn’t always a perfect career path, magically waiting to be discovered. There might not be this THING you were born to do. Sometimes, you discover that what you really want to be when you grow up is “paid”.

[ilygsd]

i hope that you all view yourselves as beautiful. as smart. as kind. as worthy. as powerful beings and souls. as good people.

it’s so easy to get caught up in comparing yourself to others on social media. everyone paints their lives as something to be desired for, yet unattainable, unless you look a certain way or have a great amount of money.

life is not always these perfectly taken photos or perfect skin or tiny waists or perfect lives. life is also messy, with acne scars, and belly rolls. life is crying, and self-doubt, and sleepless nights. life is authentic and real, full of flaws and imperfections.

don’t get caught up in the comparison game — whether you’re comparing yourself to another’s follower count, likes, looks, body, or life. you are a flaw-full human being. you are stitched together with all different kinds of fabric, with such different designs. but the end result, after all the unused threads have been cut, is so beautiful. and that end result is you.

embrace your flaws. embrace the imperfect. embrace the ebbs and flows that this life brings. embrace you.

and watch how much lovelier living in your body, your home, becomes.

[ilygsd]

If youre over the age of 20 and lost all your teen years to mental illness and never got to be normal, or have healthy relationships, went down the wrong path or diddnt have the right nurturing support from BOTH your parents and now you have to sort of catch up on your life whether thats getting your license, getting your GED, starting college, fixing your mental health, or starting things you told yourself to start or try again and again no matter what it is, and trying to fight to live and accomplish shit you FEEL you should have accomplished as a teenager but diddnt have the capacity or insight to care about due to mental illness.

I am so incredibly sorry, and im thankful youre here and alive and trying!!! also;

You are N O T a failure you took your time because you couldnt put more on yourself than you could bear to carry and that is a mark of self care so dont ever feel bad about it

I am so fucking proud of you, youre trying your hardest to get to the top even though it may be harder now, you could have given up but you havent and for that you are victorious and i am in awe of you.

#omg i needed this so bad thanks

[ilygsd]

[ilygsd]

How to be an Awesome Partner

1. Don’t take your partner for granted

2. Show affection, and express your love

3. Say what you appreciate about your partner

4. Be thoughtful; make that extra effort

5. Be careful with your words

6. Apologize

7. Don’t bear grudges

8. Take care of your own emotional needs

9. Try to understand your partner’s point of view

10. Believe in them, and want the best for them.

[ilygsd]

you know, life doesn’t have to be competitive. you don’t have to get in the very best university; you don’t have to get the highest paying career there is. you don’t need to compare and compete with everyone else in the world. you need to do what’s right for you. you need to relax, take a breath, and say ‘what do i want, for myself, to live as i want to’. and, if that involves high ambitions, then that’s fine. because you chose those ambitions on what you desire as an individual, and not on what is expected in order to succeed. let’s be ourselves this year.

[ilygsd]

Confession time; while I may have started making my girlfriend lunches purely because I love her there’s now a little bit of gay spite involved as well. I want the straight girls she works with to see what they’re missing and hold their men to higher standards.

#amazing #need to remember

[ilygsd]

god how do people just function?!? its like i can either take care of my schoolwork OR keep my apartment clean OR look after my mental health OR have a social life… but never two or more at a time. no matter which aspect of my life is going well at a given moment, theres always 3 dumpster fires blazing away in the background. i feel like im playing adult whack-a-mole

#this ks depressed k cant none

[ilygsd]

i miss my ex and we werent even a couple so actually theyre not even my ex and idk that just sucks even more

[ilygsd]

The original tweet is in response to a tweet about Ellen Maud who sought out medical help and was routinely told to just lose weight. She later died of cancer.

[ilygsd]

me when i love something: i hate this

#me always splitting on the ones i love

[ilygsd]

I want a lover who can just look at me and tell I need a hug. A lover who reads my energy and vibe…

#not jralous at all