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laure69 · 2 years

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The healing

Hi, so this is part two of the work I wrote, this one will be more mentally stable ( I think) but I’m hoping people read this and they know that it will eventually get better. Unlike the other work I wrote, I am going to publish this one/post it online. The process of me getting better included my friends, medication, and therapy, but mostly me having the will to get better. However, with depression isn’t necessarily something that can happen out of nowhere. You can’t just snap your fingers and boom you're automatically better. Sadly, that’s not how it works. That’s where medication comes in. However, for me to get motivated to get better, I need the motivation to get better. My friends were like the push or in a way what inspired me to get better. The thing is I thought I was fine then I started going to therapy and I started realizing that I indeed was not fine.

When I first entered high school, I was honestly a mess. My grades weren’t the best, but I started making friends and that’s when I saw how badly I was treating people. I never got into fights with anyone, cursed at anyone, or yelled at anyone. I just was putting minimal effort, for example, I wasn’t trying at all I was physically there but mentally I wasn’t there. I wasn’t eating, falling asleep in class, having random meltdowns, etc. People started noticing this they just didn't say anything. Hanging out with my friends was an escape since my situation at home wasn’t the best I would look forward to staying in school just to be with my friends and laugh. Laughter was my medicine I felt depressed or down I would just hang out with my friends and I was just better. My love life was interesting, to say the least, I honestly didn’t want to be in a relationship around that time, but there was this guy (I won’t be saying any names) and he was my friend and he was one of the people that helped me get better. That story will be told later.

One of the people that help me get better was my best friend or my closest friend that I have. I met them in 5th grade and we didn’t talk as much through 5th-some of 7th grade. When my mental health was getting bad they were there for me. Honestly, I don’t know where I would be without them. In 8th grade that’s when it all started happening; depression, anxiety, etc. They were the only friend I had in middle school which is kind of depressing. But, most people from my middle school were fake. The funny thing is they knew I had bipolar depression before I did and I thought I was fine. When the whole deal with my stepdad came along and when he was causing me trauma they were there for me to rant or vent they were there. They made my days less shit in school, and to this day I’m still friends with them and they are still always there for me. I’m also there for them but they like to keep their emotions to them most of the time. But I am forever grateful for them and all they have done for me and how they have supported me.

The next person who helped me get better well their my friend now (sort off) we have some history. I met him in 5th grade and I didn’t necessarily like him, I kind off threw sticks at him from 6th-7th grade. Then in 8th grade, I developed a crush on him but it went away eventually because he was dating someone else so I got over it. Then, in 9th grade, we became friends, later on, I started coming over to his house and stuff got heated, to say the least. Then we ended up catching feelings for each other and eventually, we started dating. We dated for 7 months and he was one of the people who were patient with me and helped me when I was going through shit. He made me laugh, and made me feel safe and comfortable. When we dated I would necessarily say I was a bad girlfriend I just sometimes wasn’t there. It’s not that I didn’t want to be there I did but I just couldn’t. I did love him I still love him but platonically. I would say when I got into that relationship with him I should have waited a bit till my mental health was better. We ended up breaking up for other reasons. He listened to me and I felt like I could always be myself around him to this day I still do. I don’t think he realizes he is such a great person and how he deserves so much. But I am always grateful for how he helped me get better and how he was one of the people that loved me when I needed to be loved the most.

This friend I met online, was one of the people who were with me through thick and thin. When I was dealing with my evil stepfather she was there to help me not completely melt down. I ranted to her she would give me tarot readings, she was an escape from my reality. When I needed advice on something she was there when I needed a safe space to talk to someone she was there when I was having my first panic attack she was there. I have her nicknamed my life coach because she is giving really good advice. That girl should become a therapist or something. I am always grateful for her and how she helped me. She is one of the people that know me the best and how I fully am as a person.

To end this off my friends were one of the reasons I got better but the thing that helped me the most was medication and getting properly diagnosed. I never was really honest in therapy which is one of the reasons I got worse and I felt like I wasn’t getting any help. In my first therapist, I straight up lied to her I told her I was fine and I generally faked being happy. The funny thing is that I and the therapist got along very well. I guess I just didn’t have that trust in her to tell her what was actually going on. Then I stopped going to therapy for a while and my mental health started going downhill. I felt like shit 90% of the time the mood swings weren’t helping. Then I went to my current therapist and she was like “yeah, you definitely are depressed”, she tried for a while techniques to help me get better but those didn’t work. So that’s when she sent me to a physiatrist and I got diagnosed with bipolar mood disorder, anxiety, etc. I got sent medication which I currently take today and it actually works, I am still on my way to getting better but, I just want people to know that you are not alone. :)

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laure69 · 2 years

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The beginning

TW: Hi I don’t recommend reading this if you are sensitive to the following topics: Dysfunctional eating, Depression/Bipolar depression, abusive, assault, and self-harm

Btw I posted this because if anyone has gone through any of these your not alone :).

July 26, 2022

Hi, so this was a journal about my depression, anxiety, and whatever else you can imagine. I don’t intend on sharing this however, one day I just might. This is just a little thing for me to write and help get out of my system. But basically, depression for me was just this little brick that was weighing down my shoulders, making me unable to do basic things ex; showering, brushing my teeth, getting out of bed, etc. Thankfully, it didn’t get as bad as were I didn’t shower for days or didn’t brush my teeth for days. It was an occasional thing. Yes, there were worse parts to it but we will get into that later. Depression changed me as a person plus, I had anxiety on my ass making me have little thoughts in my head and they certainly weren’t positive. But again, we will get into that later.

When I got depressed I felt nothing, your heart feels empty as if it was a void you feel nothing at all. Being happy is impossible unless something really good happens. Then, I met my friends who made me feel so happy I can’t even describe it. They made me feel good. But the depression was still there. I felt nothing, my friends were just like bandages but it wasn’t the medicine that cured my depression. When I got home I had an emotionally/verbally abusive stepdad he was like a bomb you didn’t know when he was going to explode. I was on high alert the whole time, he said awful things to me sometimes, he did things that I was uncomfortable with, he would hug me without my consent, he was very touchy, he made comments about my body, and one time he touched my ass and grabbed my wrist so I couldn’t let go (I was 12-14 at the time practically a child) it’s hard for me to write about this and I’m almost 16. I found escape through my friends and spirituality. I’m glad my mom left him because I don't know what else would've happened if she stayed with him.

Even now I have flashbacks of the things he said and did, I would say he was one of the main reasons I am mentally ill. However there are other reasons for that too, one time he and my mom were scolding me about my grades, and they told me “I’m useless, worthless, a disappointment’’, and that affected me. That's when I grabbed a razor blade and I cut my skin with it. It made the emotional pain go away, and in a way, it felt good. That’s when I first started self-harming no one and I'm not planning on telling people at all about this. I stopped for a month, then it was my arm next, I don’t even remember what happened that well and why I did that, I think my brain blocked it out of my memory. Sometimes I felt like I was crazy, that I was alone, that I didn’t deserve anyone, that I’m useless, worthless, etc. One of the main reasons I still self-harm now. I can’t stop it’s like an addiction, I barely do it. In fact, I haven’t done it in a month which is good but honestly, I don’t know how long I am going to last.

My first panic attack was one of the scariest things I have experienced, I haven’t had one in a really long time. I’m scared that it’s going to happen again. I still remember being on my bed sitting criss-cross and hyperventilating. I thought I was going to die. I hated it. Thankfully, I had my best friend to help me. Thanks to them, I'm alive. I wouldn’t be here without them. Back to the panic attacks, I was basically yelled at by my stepdad. I don't even remember what he said to me but it definitely wasn’t good. Later on, well still, I have a very unhealthy relationship with food. I'm not going to say I have an eating disorder because I’m not diagnosed. Some days I barely eat and some other days I eat normally. It’s never healthy. I lost a shit ton of weight which made me develop a better figure, but some days I still feel useless and unworthy, and I just want to lay in bed all day and do nothing but sleep. Which I have done before but, thanks to my meds I feel better and more motivated (which is the majority of the days). Thankfully I’m better now but I’m not done telling the stories.

August 2, 2022

Hi, so it’s been a few days since I wrote this but basically, we left off where I was talking about how my first panic attack went down which from what we know was one of the worst things I went through. A year or two before my first panic attack was one of the first times I self-harmed. Some people don’t understand why people self-harm, which is understandable. Why put more pain on yourself when you're already going through so much pain? The emotional pain can’t be compared to the physical pain you're going through. The reason I self-harmed/ sometimes still do (haven’t in a while) the physical pain is a distraction from the emotional pain. While yes it might sound stupid that you're putting more pain on yourself but the physical pain is a distraction or a coping mechanism from the emotional pain.

August 3, 2022

Back when I first self-harmed, I used the things you used to shave, which was scraping my skin off with a razor if that’s what it’s called. I don't want to place blame on anyone but, I got called worthless and a disappointment mind you, I was like 12. That seriously fucks someone up. When I was in middle school I started getting depressed I think the main reason was that I started to see how my ex-stepdad was and how much of a fucked up person he is. My grades went down, I was antisocial, I binged, started eating a lot, feeling tired, starting to self-harm, etc. My mom didn’t see anything wrong with me till I turned 14. That's when she started to see a pattern of how bad I got.

When I gained a lot of weight (like 30 pounds) I was eating unhealthy and not working. The heaviest I got was 180 pounds which in reality isn’t that bad but, for me, that’s a lot. When I got up to 180 pounds I was very insecure. I hated showing my arms or wearing tight clothing. Now I am the complete opposite of course. I'm still very insecure but in that insecurity, I have a bunch of confidence. Most of the time, the confidence outshines insecurity. Yes, I have my days where I am most insecure but I managed to get out of that dark hole. The story of how I lost most of my weight is kind of a movie honestly. I went to this teenage party when I was like 13 and I saw a bunch of skinny girls just walking and dancing and I was that kid in the corner sitting there awkwardly I felt so out of place. I was like “No I’m going to lose weight” and I did. I lost 40 pounds in a healthy way. Then later since, I got used to not eating that much, I started obsessing about my weight and barely ate or ate one meal a day. I managed to lose 10 pounds. I don’t recommend anyone lose weight in a bad way, do it in a healthy way. Right now I am slowly improving. I am not diagnosed with an eating disorder so I am not going to say I have one.

What caused me to lose weight the unhealthy way? My family ever since I was little liked to make comments about my body, either I was too thin, flat, thick, or flat like bro pick a side I can’t be all of those things at once. When I was like 8 or 9 my grandma monitored what I ate or if I ate food that was slightly unhealthy she would comment for example, “You're going to get too fat and ugly” like miss, I”m 8/9 like come on a kid should not be hearing this. They would comment on little things and most of the time they weren’t the best. Families are supposed to bring each other up not down. This made me really insecure and it still affects me to this day. When I was losing weight they would comment on how I was getting flat and losing all of my curves. Soo, that made me gain another insecurity and I’m still insecure to this day.

Furthermore, I would like to talk about my anxiety (btw I am diagnosed) and how it affected me, and how it still affects me to this day. It doesn’t affect me that bad but, it’s really stupid basically, it affects me in the smallest way. If anything happens like I get slightly bad news I automatically think of the worst thing that could happen, I often feel fatigue I don’t know if it’s because of depression or anxiety but I did my research and I think it’s anxiety it’s not medically diagnosed so I’m not going to say for sure it is. I sometimes think someone is mad at me for no reason or for the smallest things. Plus, if I do think someone is mad at me I overthink a lot.

Lastly, I want to talk about my bipolar depression and this is diagnosed. It's very hectic and sadly it can’t be cured however there’s certain medication that helps reduce the symptoms of bipolar depression. The funny thing is one of my friends told me you might have bipolar depression and I was like “Nah, I’m fine”, girl you are not fine. My symptoms included me being impulsive I did dumb shit I would not be saying what I did for certain reasons. I had days where I felt really happy for no reason and I was really hyper dancing, jumping around, laughing over the dumbest shit and etc. Then, I had days where I was so tired I couldn’t even get out of bed and function ex: shower, do my hair, change outfits, etc. Thankfully for me, it didn’t get as bad and I was able to sort off manage it without medication.

#mental abuse #mentally exhausted #mentally ill #parental abuse

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