leahkayidgaf

[leahkayidgaf]

Am i bisexual ? Am i pansexual ? Am i gay ? Well officer mostly i’m just sad...

[leahkayidgaf]

💜

“Let’s raise children who won’t have to recover from their childhoods.”

— Pam Leo

[leahkayidgaf]

My sister is so talentedddd 🥲

Naked by James Arthur

Cover by Goddessofkatts

#music #beautiful soul #james arthur #love #pop

[leahkayidgaf]

The Flame of Hope

When despair is in the air,

When the people scream in terror.

When the load is hanging by a string,

When they are about to surrender.

When the stench of fear and doubt,

Is thick like a clouding fog.

When time is running out,

When there ain't no one to hug.

When everything is burning down,

When the wind howls like a hungry beast.

All the candles are put out,

All the villains come to feast. 

When the darkness creeps right in,

When the soul is bare and cold.

All it takes is one small flame,

To light up hearts with hope.

[leahkayidgaf]

🌹

“I woke up one day feeling cast out and only when I lifted my hand up to my head did I realize that God had switched my halo for horns.”

-Kaya Kay

[leahkayidgaf]

[leahkayidgaf]

Take me across galaxies, for I want to travel the infinite Universes with you my love- until the end of time 💫🌙🪐⏳

[leahkayidgaf]

𝕺𝖓𝖑𝖞 𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖊 𝕴'𝖒 𝖎𝖓 𝖒𝖞 𝖒𝖎𝖓𝖉, 𝖜𝖍𝖊𝖓 𝕴'𝖒 𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖆𝖑𝖔𝖓𝖊

𝕿𝖍𝖆𝖙'𝖘 𝖜𝖍𝖞 𝕴'𝖒 𝖗𝖊𝖆𝖑𝖑𝖞 𝖓𝖊𝖛𝖊𝖗 𝖆𝖑𝖔𝖓𝖊 𝖎𝖓 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖓𝖎𝖌𝖍𝖙 𝖙𝖎𝖒𝖊

[leahkayidgaf]

[leahkayidgaf]

Rain falls hard outside

You lie asleep in my arms

Oh beautiful angel

You cannot see your own halo

[leahkayidgaf]

Unchain Me

What horrors do my depths hold? Only my thoughts and words foretell the things I'm capable of. You know nothing of the demons that possess me. Or perhaps I posses them, as I am responsible for my actions. It seems just yesterday I was a small happy child, full of innocence, yet not ignorant. Simply not have bathed in the experiences that ruin ones conscience- moments that rip your soul apart to lost fragments, leaving no hope to find and piece back together. Wholeness...a word so foreign. I cannot remember the last time I felt complete. The mirror shows me a lie. Shattered reflection of who I once was. Somebody I do not recognize. The dissociation makes me feel alien. I do not fit in, among people. Among life. I don't belong here. Things have changed so drastically, I can barely remember who I was. Before things fucked me up. Before I felt like I was living trapped in a hell co-created by either the Universe or God(s)...whatever controls and generates our existence..and me of course..my choices have contributed to the reality I live in. However sometimes I wonder how much I can actually control. Things seem to happen on their own accord, with no regard to the destructive impact they leave in their wake. Mostly those "things" are people. We fuck up everything good, don't we. That's what the world seems to be. A major fucking fuck up. Sure, there's the beautiful and the good. But to what ratio?

Speaking for myself, as I cannot judge the moral balance of others, light and dark cannot be fully balanced. It's either or. We restrain the bad, but the ugly comes out along with the good. Or you keep it in..and hide all your demons deep down inside the dungeon in your chest until they lock you inside your own head and drive you insane.

"You're the sweetest girl I've ever met".

Well honey, you haven't seen the bitter side in its full glory. The monster is chained to my thoughts and shackled in my mind. At times I wonder whether this madness will consume me. The glimpses I see make me wonder how long it will take to completely go off the rails.

The potential malice I possess scares the shit out of me. Had I no self control I would not be here today. Many people wouldn't be here today. I could have landed in hot water times too hard to count. Yet here I am, why?

I feel rotten inside. The good in me has washed away long before we met. I don't deserve anything good. I do not deserve you. I cannot forgive myself for my sins or mistakes. I cannot change my past or present. The future seems bleak. Why are we born? Purpose seems pointless. Love seems hopeless. One day it'll all be gone. Something I have accepted, yes..but to live with that truth...I'd prefer not to.

You're the only one who keeps me in check. Makes me feel boundaries, makes me feel real. But your demons clash with mine, although you choose to put them on display and you know nothing about the torture in my brain. I'm a stronghold and I will never reveal the evil inside of my heart. I try to forget past thoughts, actions, and words. At times I forget and live in a fake bliss, then I remember who I am and the disgust makes me want to put a knife through me.

Sanity...

It slips away by the minute...

How long do I do this?

Weeks, months, years?

Pretend to be the perfect daughter, even though I'm nor man, nor woman, and nowhere near what my parents would want. 

Pretend like I want to be here, among wild, barbaric, uncivilized, humans that destroy more than they can build.

There is but one thing left for me here. Someone who doesn't understand their own worth. But perhaps they do. Maybe what they don't understand is the pain they cause when they push me away and keep me out.

When that happens, everything that gives me that trapped feeling amplifies by a tenfold. And I lose any remaining control I had over myself.

I love him. I love him with all my heart and soul. Or whatever good part that's left of me. I wish we'd balance each other out more, instead of self-destruct. Or maybe I don't give a shit if I self-destruct. Perhaps after so many years it's all it's been leading to it. I'm way past exhaustion, I'm wasting away. All that keeps me intact is you. And drugs. You make me feel happy and safe. Drugs make me feel like times stops and or speeds up. It takes me to a different frequency, one where I'm calm and forget reality, delving into my subconscious to try and extract anything that would contribute something positive to my life. So far it has only opened my eyes and showed me that time shoots like lightning and in a split of a second everything can change, for the bad usually. Moments that pass by so fast and you're not even there to experience them. And "poof", they're gone. Tomorrow I might wake up being 22, no highschool degree, no college ambitions...just a fucked up brain missing the past, hating the present, and not certain if I want to see a future.

[leahkayidgaf]

Where will this path lead?

We will lead this path.

X

The soul searches for the starry night sky, yearning for no more than heaven itself. Seeking to redeem one's sins, praying that the angels will hear him. "Take me back!"

For the beginning is the end.

And the end is the beginning.

☯ ☯ ☯

Planets whisper softly.

"Lead me to the light".

555

[leahkayidgaf]

[leahkayidgaf]

Dark Sands

Dark sand stretches for miles over the vast somber land before us. The fellow I have befriended stands next to me, the unease written on his face like the countenance of a brooding carved theatre mask. He is in trouble. There are monstrous beings out there trying to get him. He must journey to find the solution for he's been cursed and I have vowed to help him. These unfamiliar lands don't faze me. Perhaps they should. I know that there are terrible creatures lurking in the shadows; why do I not share the worry of my friend?

  "We should go, time is running out", I say to him.

He gives me a look of uncertainty.

  "What choice do we have?" I ask, "This is the only way to reach the place that can help you".

  "I know" he replies, "let's go, you're right- we don't have time to waste".

We set out onto the mysterious land, black dust swirls in the air around us. There is no bright light to guide us, but our eyes can see through the murky darkness. After walking for hours, we decide to take a breather.

As we take off our bags and settle down I get the feeling that we are not alone. Chills run through my body, I know we are being watched but I cannot see them. I turn to tell my friend, but the words never make it out of my mouth, for at that moment I see the looming shadow of something slick. We barely have time to blink when it jumps, and lands right on my friend. I can see it clearly now, it's massive shiny charcoal body, six eyes gleaming in triumph as it wraps it's eight hairy legs around him and sinks it's sharp pincers into his neck. But it is not satisfied. The Arachne flies onto me next, it's huge body crushing mine. My lungs burn as I realize that I can't breathe, and I hear the deep hungry growl vibrate through the Arthropod. I don't register that it's fangs are deep in my neck until seconds after, when I feel the hot venom boil my veins.

The beast disappears as fast as it had ambushed us. Everything had happened at lightning speed, and somehow we are still alive. The last thing I remember is ripping through our bags for an antidote to save us, my vision swimming.

My body jerks awake, eyes flying open. I feel my heart thud like a thousand drums in my ribcage. Strange. I guess I'm more afraid than I'll admit.

𝕹𝖔𝖓 𝕿𝖎𝖒𝖊𝖇𝖔 𝕸𝖆𝖑𝖆 - I will fear no evil

[leahkayidgaf]

bind with me forever, until we shatter 💜

[leahkayidgaf]

Truth hurts, Scars heal, Pain last forever

[leahkayidgaf]

Ashes

I am nothing but a mere shell

So intricately laced with wonders

Each day I delve deeper into the mystic layers of my subconscious

Often it feels like I'm getting nowhere

The more I learn about the world, the less hope I have in uncovering the answers I desperately search for

So many of the mind's mysteries are untouched

And we go about life perplexed, heads full of provoking thoughts

Pondering away

What if answers are out of reach?

Perhaps they're impossible to obtain

Every time you come closer, you feel like you understand less

And the world becomes even more bewildering

Tapping into your soul;

Being aware of certain things... it can be unnerving

Every time I come to a new level of understanding it makes me restless

And each day as the dark cloud looms over my head, this restlessness only grows

Accompanied by a lingering sadness and a longing for change

With the feelings of confusion,

The relentless desire for an end spreads like a plague

A disease sown in my brain longer than I must have imagined

They say you should be grateful for things

Be grateful for your family

Grateful for your life

But sometimes you can't help but feel like life and the people in it have only fucked you up along the way;

Like people broke you into a billion tiny little pieces

And you can't see how they can ever be put together again;

How damage that runs so deep can be restored

Struggling to climb out of that mental state is the hardest challenge yet,

Because when the last of any hope you had slipped away

You lost a part of yourself in the wreckage

Finding it again is painful

Feeling again is overwhelming

It can be likened to the rebirth of a Phoenix

You see its beautiful feathers rising out of its ashes,

But you realize it first burned to the core

For the sake of progress the unfavorable emotions are tolerated

Day and night, tormented by the past and the present

Anxious and apprehensive of life's outcome in the future

I cannot allow myself to be complacent

Nor can I be fatalistic

Although most aspects we cannot be certain of,

I shan't live in denial

The reality of constant impending demise is one I'm fully aware of

Death circles like a vulture and the sand in the hourglass is invisible

It is the one concept I have complete faith in

Ultimately we have the chance to create our own fate throughout our lifetime,

Aside from the one waiting for us all with open arms

One day I hope to gain insight to the knowledge I seek

To make sense of all the controversial ideas and beliefs

To look at the world with a different perspective, untainted

Maybe I never will

Until then it will eat away at me slowly

But for now I'm grounded here

Chained by the most powerful thing in existence

Love

Perhaps that is the answer

Perhaps it is all we need

One day I'll know

For now I'll just hold on

Keep my chin up

And shake off the ashes