mr-smith-stories

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #27: Mr. Smith for President Part One

Mr. Smith went downstairs the first of August 2023, to find Harold Smith and Grandpappy Smith sitting on the couch in Mr. Smith’s mansion. Simon was laying on the ground, and Grandpappy Smith was using him as a footstool. Harold Smith was reading a very difficult book- The Very Hungry Caterpillar.

“What are you reading there, Dad?” Mr. Smith asked.

Harold Smith scratched his chin for several minutes. “Um… I’m not sure. I forgot.”

“It’s The Very Hungry Caterpillar,” Said Grandpappy Smith.

Harold began to gesture and mouth things. “What is a caterpillar?”

Grandpappy Smith gave Harold a pointed look. “Now, now, Harry Boy, you need to challenge yourself. Try reading the words.”

The 57 year old sighed. “But I just like looking at the pictures.”

Mr. Smith chimed in. “Give me a turn, Dad. I’m up for a challenge!” Mr. Smith carefully read the entire book, which took him two hours. He tried to comprehend how the words went with the pictures, but there were so many pictures! He wasn’t sure which one was the caterpillar. Finally he gave up, and threw the book at the wall. “Reading is hard!” He yelled.

Grandpappy Smith sighed. “It’s that big red thing on the cover.” He said, pointing to it.

Simon piped up. “That’s a strawberry, the caterpillar is eating it.”

Grandpappy Smith turned bright red. “Now, listen here devil spawn! The strawberry is eating the caterpillar, not the other way around!”

“But a strawberry is a fruit!” Simon argued.

Grandpappy Smith began to scratch his head for several minutes. “A caterpillar is a fruit! The strawberry is an insect!”

“Grandpappy Smith is the genius here!” Mr. Smith stamped is foot. “And Dad and me!”

Simon sighed and went back to being a footstool.

“Mr. Smith, there’s an important reason we came to see you today, and it’s not about the Very Hungry Caterpillar.” Grandpappy Smith said.

Mr. Smith gasped. “But that’s my favorite book!”

“Mr. Smith, the puppy farm is in turmoil.” Grandpappy Smith said.

Mr. Smith gasped. “How?”

“The government cut our funding. They’re saying it’s time to stop teaching misinformation to children in the United States.” Harold explained.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “But we’re not spreading misinformation, just alternate information! The puppy farm teaches unique forms of literacy and education! Without the puppy farm, its students would grow up not knowing about the pterodactyls that still exist, or the dodo birds! They wouldn’t understand that there is no such thing as a Redwing Blackbird, that it is only mythology! They would have no idea that one plus one is in fact fourteen! The world as we know it would cease to exist!”

Grandpappy Smith nodded. “That’s why we need YOU, Mr. Smith. We want you to save the puppy farm!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “That sounds like it could be a lot of work.”

Grandpappy Smith sighed. “Sometimes, Mr. Smith, you have to work hard to get what you want.”

Mr. Smith peered at Grandpappy Smith. “What if I just blackmail someone into doing all the work for me? Then can I get what I want?”

Grandpappy Smith began to count on his fingers. “I guess that could work too. But there’s something we need you to do.”

“What do you need me to do?” Asked Mr. Smith.

“We want you to run for president. Then you can save the puppy farm, because YOU’LL be in charge! A TRUE genius!” Harold said.

Mr. Smith smiled. “I AM a TRUE genius! Thanks Dad! And I have the perfect running mate!”

***

One month later, in September of 2023, Mr. Smith’s election campaign began. Mr. Smith was running in an emergency election. The president, Republican Johnny Boy Johnson, and everyone after who could take over mysteriously resigned, after Grandpappy Smith found out that they were selling oranges on the black market. Mr. Smith was also the only person running, as Harold Smith had promised three billion dollars and a room at Versailles to anyone who chose not to run, money that Harold Smith had swindled from the French government military funds by promising them unlimited Herr’s Potato Chips (which he had recently “acquired.”)

Mr. Smith and Philip, his platonic running mate, met in Mr. Smith’s conference room to discuss their plans for their campaign. “I have an idea,” Philip said.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Idea? I don’t know what that is.”

Philip sighed. “It means I know what I want our slogan to be.”

Mr. Smith squinted. “Slogan? Is that a type of slug?”

Philip sighed again. “Our saying. So people know what we believe in.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “What do we believe in?”

Philip sighed. “Protecting the puppy farm.”

Mr. Smith’s eyes widened. “Oh! Right. Thanks, platonic love of my life. I can never remember these things.”

“How’s ‘Promoting alternative education for the masses.’ I plan to turn all schools into the puppy farm once we get elected.” Philip said.

“Ohhh,” Said Mr. Smith. “That’s a great idea! You, Philip, are a TRUE genius!”

“Now, what should our posters look like? I think we should make our official mascot the Greenbird.”

Mr. Smith smiled. “Yes! My favorite bird! I only have one question- how many posters should we make? Is five enough?”

Philip looked at Mr. Smith. “We’ll need a lot more than five.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “How about ten? That seems like enough to me. Ten is a big number, I’m pretty sure.”

“No, ten is still too small. I was thinking more like fifteen.” Philip said.

“Fifteen? Now that’s a big number!” Mr. Smith grinned. “I have a good feeling about this. I’m sure we’ll win!”

***

Twenty minutes later, Philip had hung all fifteen posters downtown. Philip had a moment of doubt when he realized that not many people would see his posters if they were only in one town. However, Philip soon forgot what he was thinking about, and then moved on.

Two days later, and something shocking happened- Mr. Smith had an opponent! Someone who claimed Mr. Smith’s puppy farms were a danger to society- Democrat John B. Watson. In order to settle this issue, a presidential debate was to be held. Philip had never heard of one of those before. He had never heard of many things until recent years. A lot of the things he heard about at college sometimes were new to him, like the solar system or ham.

Mr. Smith sat across from Democrat Watson while Philip smiled at him from the audience of twelve people and the three moderators. Mr. Smith was nervous. Not because of the debate- no, he was sure to win, he was a true genius. No, he had in fact lost his car. After arriving in the parking lot while getting here, he had forgotten to put his car in park after he got out, and it rolled down the hill, far away from Mr. Smith and Philip. Mr. Smith had no idea where it was, or how he would get back to his hotel after the debate.

“Alright, gentlemen. Let’s begin!” Said Patricia, one of the moderators. “First, I’d like you two to shake hands.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “I have never heard of that before. Like this?” He began to shake both his hands from side to side. “I’m shaking my hands!” Mr. Smith looked at Watson’s extended hand. “Why aren’t you doing it?”

Patricia bit her lip to keep from laughing. “Nevermind. Let’s just get started. Question one- what is your stance on climate change? What would you do to decrease carbon emissions? Candidate Smith?”

Mr. Smith looked around the room in a panic. “Where’s Harold Smith? He said he’d be here. How am I supposed to know what to say if he doesn’t tell me?”

Patricia rolled her eyes. “You’re supposed to give YOUR OWN answers. What would you do, Mr. Smith?”

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “Why do I have to answer first? Make Watson go first! This is bullying!” Mr. Smith threw his pen at the moderators, but they easily dodged it.

Patricia sighed. “Candidate Watson?”

Watson cleared his throat. “I would like to introduce more green energy related bills and fund more renewable energy institutions. I hope to reduce carbon emissions by 50% before my term is over.”

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “What is carbon and what are emissions? Are they types of animals? Can I find them in a petting zoo? I like zoos. I still go, even after the bears tried to eat me that one time. I still don’t know why they would do that. It hurt my feelings.”

Patricia looked stunned. “Nevermind. Moving on. Mr. Smith, what is your view on gay marriage?”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “Do you mean, romantic marriage or platonic marriage? I have a platonic husband, but as long as we say no homo, it’s a perfectly okay marriage, and we’re both straight.”

“There’s no such thing as a platonic marriage! You must be attracted to men if you’re married to one,” Said Patricia.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things again. “I’m not attracted to men! Last month I took an online test just to double check that I’m straight, and it said I was straight. If that’s the answer I got, it must be true.”

Patricia smirked. “If you’re so sure you’re straight, why do you need to take an online test?”

“Test? Like what I take in school? Or those tests at the doctor’s office? I always pass the vision tests at the doctor’s, but I get negative and single digit scores often at college. If only they’d test me on something a little easier, then they’d see what a true genius I am!” Mr. Smith clapped his hands, proud of himself.

“Can we PLEASE move on?” Watson asked.

“Question three- what is your stance on creating new jobs and bolstering the economy?”

Watson spoke first. “I already have several programs in mind to create new jobs for millions of Americans. I intend to regulate the economy in order to give aid to those in need, while promoting these new jobs to make the economy better for everyone.”

Patricia nodded. “Mr. Smith, do you have anything to counter Candidate Watson?”

Mr. Smith began to count on his fingers, skipping fingers at random. “One, three, five, eight, two, ten. Um, I’m not sure. I don’t know what an economy is, or what this ‘program’ word means.”

Patrcia gritted her teeth. “Economy is the system of money. A program would help bring in more money.”

“Oh,” Mr. Smith said. “I know what money is.”

“Anything to counter your opponent?” Patricia huffed.

“Oh! Yes! According to this program, what will you do to help ME get rich again? I live in a mansion, but we’re running low on cash because last time we played poker, I lost to Simon after betting all three million dollars I had in the bank, and everyone else betted all their money too. We can’t pay the bills, and Simon won’t help because he’s mad that we keep bullying him.”

“That’s unfortunate,” Said Patricia. “How does that counter your opponent’s argument? Just because it doesn’t help YOU?!”

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “I’m infinity level IQ. I am the smartest person in all of history.”

From the audience, a familiar face spoke up. “Actually, I am definitely smarter than you. So is Ritchie. So are all our friends, and certainly most people. You’re probably the dumbest person in all of history, after Kitty of course.”

Mr. Smith gasped. “YOU! The GAY GENIUSES! What are YOU doing HERE?! And you are NOT smarter than me! I am the superior one here! I almost learned to tie my shoelaces today!”

Leo smiled. “I AM smarter than you! And to answer your question, I am here to warn the American people of the menace you are to society!”

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “THAT’S NOT FAIR! Security! Security, get him out! He’s ruining my moment in the spotlight! Arrest him! He’s a bully!”

“I’m not even bullying you-“ Leo began.

Security flooded the room, escorting Leo, Ritchie, Alex, Chris, Harry, Janie, David and Kevin from their seats. “You can’t kick us out!” Ritchie protested. “We’re just trying to protect the American people!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “What is an American? I just forgot.”

“See?” Ritchie groaned. “He’s completely incompetent!”

Chris protested. “Let us go! We just don’t want this nation to end up destroyed just because this IDIOT was elected! We’re only trying to help!”

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “What is an election? I have never heard of that before. Is it another name for Electra, the superheroine?”

David huffed. “He’s not going to do a good job as president! He’s a complete moron! He doesn’t even understand basic things! He functions on half a braincell!”

“Is half less or more than one? I slept through all my math classes in college.” Mr. Smith said. “College is a great place to take a nap.”

Philip shrugged. “I think half is more than one. It’s between one and two. See? I pay attention in school.”

Mr. Smith glared at Philip. “I’M the TRUE genius here! Don’t disrespect me! Our platonic marriage is built on you acknowledging my genius level IQ!”

Philip sighed. “Fine. You’re the genius.”

Mr. Smith glared. “Better. We’ll discuss this in more detail later!”

“You’re literally interrupting your debate to argue with your husband, who BY THE WAY, is your ROMANTIC partner, there are no platonic marriages! This is complete stupidity! You’re going to bring about the downfall of America!” Kevin argued desperately.

“Do the right thing and drop out of the race!” Harry argued. “It’s irresponsible for you to run! You’re not qualified to be president!”

Janie nodded. “You’re a danger to society!”

Mr. Smith’s mouth hung open. “Danger? Like I was in danger when the bears tried to eat me at the zoo, or when I goy stuck in that window and Harry’s chimney?”

Alex nodded. “Yes! We’re in that same kind of danger if you become president, except it’s not just us, it’s the whole nation in danger!”

Mr. Smith scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Well, I made it through those things, so if this is the same thing, I think the country will turn out alright.”

“No!” Ritchie shouted as they were all led out. “You can’t do this! We’ll find a way to stop you!”

Mr. Smith looked panicked. “There are no stop signs here! We’re inside, not on the road!”

Leo, Ritchie and their friends were all led out. The camera man got bored and left, so the broadcast and the debate were cut short. Mr. Smith went home, excited to prepare for the election the following day.

***

To be continued

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #26 Part Two

A few seconds later, Mr. Smith heard Philip’s shouts for help from down the hall. “Guys! Come look at this!”

Mr. Smith and his friends hurried down the hall. In the parlor, Mr. Smith found Philip standing over an unconscious man on the floor. Mr. Smith scratched his head. “This is a strange place to take a nap.”

“He’s dead.” Philip said. “And it wasn’t me.”

Mr. Smith peered at Philip. “How can I be so

sure?”

“Because I would’ve tried to cover it up! He’s not even in any of my best hiding places- under the rug or behind the curtain!” Philip insisted. “How do I know it wasn’t you?”

Mr. Smith sighed. “I thought he was sleeping! It wasn’t me!” Mr. Smith looked closely at the body. “That’s the man I saw making blueberry pancakes earlier! Oh no! Someone is attacking kitchen staff! They might get me next! Quick! Let’s offer up Simon as next to go! Then we’ll have a headstart to save ourselves!”

Philip glared at Mr. Smith. “No. That’s not the right thing to do.”

Mr. Smith stared at Philip. “What is the right thing to do?”

Philip sighed. “Solve this crime and prove our infinity level IQ to those stuck up intellectuals! Who’s with me?”

Simon spoke up. “I’m in! Let’s save everyone here! Then we’ll be heroes!”

Suddenly, a voice spoke from behind them. “Actually, I think we’d better call the police,” Harry said. “I don’t trust you idiots with anything besides the food.” Harry dialed 9-1-1. “They should be here soon.”

Ten minutes later, the chief of police arrived on the scene, and Mr. Smith and his friends all sat in the sitting room for questioning, since they had found the body. Harry stood with them, and explained the situation.

The chief nodded, taking a bite out of the chocolate chip cookie in his pocket. “Mom’s special recipe,” He explained. “How much am I getting paid for this? How’s 2 grand?”

Harry sighed. “This is a murder investigation. I’m not paying you to solve it, the station is.”

Mr. Smith raised his hand. “He can use my calculator to resolve the issue if he wants.”

The chief glared at Mr. Smith. “I don’t need a calculator. Just stay out of my way.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “But I want to help!”

The chief glared at him. “No. I can do this myself. I don’t need you, I just finished at the police academy last week!”

Harry’s eyes widened. “So you’re a rookie? And you’re the chief?”

The chief sighed. “The real chief decided to go on vacation unexpectedly. He wanted to go to Hershey’s Chocolate World after that nice Harold Smith bribed his way into getting free tickets for him and his family. The station asked me to fill in. He was also promised unlimited chocolate by Harold Smith, so we don’t know if he’ll ever be back.”

Harry looked alarmed. “Why was he bribed?”

“Harold Smith wanted the chief to blackmail a rich company into giving his son and their friends their own cruise liner. The chief wouldn’t do it, but I wanted a promotion, so Harold and I struck a deal.” The chief explained. “But I can do it. I haven’t solved any crimes yet, I was only hired at the station last week. All I did was paper work before my big promotion. It was so boring! But now I’m here. This should be more fun!”

Harry looked alarmed. “I’ll be in a barracaded room with my guests. That way we’ll be safe. Let me know when the investigation is done!” Harry hurried away.

Mr. Smith looked at the chief. “I bet you think you’re so smart, in your police uniform and with that big promotiom from my dad! Well, just an FYI, I’M the TRUE genius here! I’m going to be in charge of all the puppy farms someday, and then you’ll HAVE to let me solve all the crimes I want! I’ll just blackmail you! You’ll see! I’m level infinity IQ!”

The chief sighed. “Today is not that day. Today, I’M in charge, and I’m going to prove how clever a detective I am! You stay in here, or I’ll arrest you!” With that, the chief left.

Philip turned to Mr. Smith. “I have the perfect idea. I know how to distract him so WE can solve the crime and be heroes!”

***

Five minutes later, the chief was snooping around the mansion, when he saw a strange sight. A chocolate chip cookie on the floor! He picked it up and began eating it, when he noticed another cookie a few feet away. In fact, there was a whole line of chocolate chip cookies, leading out of the parlor and down the hall! The chief followed the line of cookies out into the hallway and down the hall, until he came upon an open storage closet, where the line of cookies led to the cookie jar. The chief began eating all the cookies when the door slammed shut. “Wait!” The chief yelled. “I’m not done eating! Let me out!” There was no answer. The chief shrugged and continued eating all the cookies.

In the hall, Mr. Smith giggled. “It worked! You are a TRUE genius, Philly! But not as much of a genius as me.”

Philip smiled. “Now WE can solve this crime! As the geniuses we are!”

Amy chimed in. “OMGG! This is just like the time Susan and I got stuck! We were in an escape room, but we didn’t know what any of the clues meant and couldn’t get out. They unlocked the door after twenty minutes, but Susan and I didn’t know which door was real and which was artificial, so we got trapped there overnight. Making decisions is HARD!”

Susan squealed. “Oh. My. GOD! Remember when we got stuck in the mall overnight? We couldn’t remember where the exit was, and the people didn’t like us so they wouldn’t tell us where! We got lost looking and they didn’t find us until morning! We snorted glue in the bathroom all night, and did manicures in the salon for free! We stole so many shirts, and when the cops tried to arrest us, Harold Smith just gave them gummy bears and they let us go! It was so fun!”

Amy squealed. “It WAS fun! Remember the time we got lost at the park? The ranger had to come pick us up after we called 9-1-1! I don’y get why he was so mad. How were we supposed to know we were sitting next to the exit? Reading signs is BOR-ING!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “I never read signs. Sometimes, I forget how to read altogether.”

“People think we’re DUMB! I don’t know why.” Amy said.

“We’ll prove them wrong,” Mr. Smith said. “By solving this case like the ace detectives we are!”

***

Five minutes later, Mr. Smith gathered all the kitchen staff in the game room.

“OMGG look at all these cool games. I’m good at games! I always win! I don’t know why people say I cheat. I don’t knock the pool balls off the table on purpose! I’m just really clumsy.” Amy said.

Susan squealed. “OMGG! People think I cheat too. I always steal their good cards when we play poker, and then I win! I didn’t know it was against the rules!”

Mr. Smith addressed the room. “Now, I have been appointed by the chief of police to solve this heinous crime.”

A staff member raised their hand. “Why wouldn’t he just solve the case?”

“Because he didn’t know what he was doing. He was incompetent. I AM a TRUE genius!” Mr. Smith said. “Let’s begin questioning. Now, which one of you is the murderer?”

The same staff member looked at Mr. Smith in disgust. “Why would the murderer tell you just because you asked?”

“Because I have influence. I recently read two sentences of How To Win Friends and Influence People- the title and author.” Mr. Smith said.

“How could you learn anything from that?” The man asked.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “You can learn from reading. I’m pretty sure. Leo said that once. He said I don’t read enough. Well, I’ve been trying to read more. Just this week, I read the titles of six books at the library! Six, I tell you!”

“What were they called?” Philip asked.

“”The Big Book of Dinosaurs (Child’s Edition),” “Maps of the United States,” “How To Make A Ham and Cheese Sandwich,” “The Puppy Farm Guide to Renewable Energy,” “”Harold Smith’s History of the Universe,” and finally, the most challenging one, “How To Turn On A Stove.”” Mr. Smith said. “Unfortunately, I have forgotten the names of the authors of each book, including Harold Smith’s History of the Universe. I have been trying to figure out who wrote that one for four days.”

“Huh,” The staff member said. “Interesting.”

Mr. Smith looked around the room. “So, which one of you is the killer? I’m only going to ask nicely once. Who killed this man?” No one said anything. “Pretty please?” Mr. Smith asked. “No? Fine! I’ll ask more questions.”

Mr. Smith addressed the staff member who had questioned him. “Now, where were you on the night of May 19th, 2020?”

“That’s four years before the murder happened.” The man said, his jaw hanging open.

“I know. I just wanted to get the ball rolling,” Mr. Smith said. He paused. “Do balls roll downhill, or upwards? I have a Physics test at the end of the week and I’m not sure. Also, it’s on my homework, so any help would be much appreciated.”

“That has nothing to do with why we’re here,” The staff member said.

Mr. Smith pointed at him with his pen. “I need help with my homework from somewhere. No one I know knows the answer. Now, tell me your name.”

“Charles,” The man said. “Charles Barkley.”

“Charles Barkley, you are under arrest for the murder of one staff worker whose name I already forgot, and for the attempted murder of Mr. Smith!”

“I didn’t murder anyone! You can’t arrest me without proof! And when did someone attempt to murder you?”

Mr. Smith pointed his pen at Charles. “YOU tried to murder me when I first got here! You poisoned the blueberries you were using to make the pancakes! I would have died, had it not been for my super powers! I can eat anything and survive! But you didn’t know that, did you? You thought you could get rid of me that easy, so I wouldn’t solve the crime you were about to commit! Well, you can’t outsmart me! I’m a genius, I tell you!”

“The blueberries weren’t poisonous. Simon ate them too,” Philip said.

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “Dammit! There goes my claim to fame! I almost solved the case in under two minutes!” Mr. Smith pointed his pen at the chef. “What is your name?”

“Marianne,” The woman said. “Marianne Johnson.”

“Marianne Johnson, YOU are under arrest, for the attempted murder of Simon on June 19, 1949! I knew I recognized you from somewhere!” Mr. Smith said.

Simon piped up. “No one ever tried to murder me. And she wasn’t even born yet. That was just a dream you had.”

Mr. Smith threw his pen at the wall. “Dammit! Wrong again!” He pointed a finger at the man next to her. “What is your name?”

“Gregory Timmons,” The man said. “I did not attempt to murder you or anyone else. I’m innocent.”

“Where were YOU at 4 AM last night?” Mr. Smith asked.

“Sleeping?” Gregory said.

Mr. Smith scratched his chin. “Exactly what a murderer would say. Now, in what position were you sleeping? On your front, back or side? Answer me!”

“On my back?” The man asked.

Mr. Smith gasped. “THAT’S how several famous serial killers would sleep! According to Puppy Farm Forensics, serial killers often sleep on either their back, front or side! I ALWAYS sleep on my head! I’ve caught the killer!”

Philip raised a hand. “That’s how normal people sleep too. Most people don’t sleep on their head.”

“Dammit!” Mr. Smith swore. “This is an outdated study anyway. Grandpappy Smith conducted it by interviewing three serial killers and asking them each how they slept. Oh well. I guess I’ll have to do my own study! Next, what is your name?” Mr. Smith pointed to a brunette.

“Susanna Evans,” The woman said.

“What is your favorite color?” Mr. Smith asked. “Mine is blue.”

“Pink,” Susanna said. “How is this relevant?”

“Pink is too innocent a favorite color for a serial killer to have. You’re innocent.” Mr. Smith pointed to the last person, a short black haired man.

“That’s sexist,” Susanna said.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I don’t know what that is. I fell asleep when they talked about gender in health class.”

“That’s horrible,” Susanna said.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Is horrible a type of turtle? What kind of turtle? Is it aquatic or a space turtle?”

“Horrible means you’re a bad person.”

“I would have liked what you said better if it involved the space turtle. Otherwise it goes in one ear and out the other with me. Next.”

“Tim Dunn.” The man said.

“Mr. Dunn, have you ever been arrested for any sort of crime?”

“I was arrested for stealing all the chickens on my neighbor’s farm once.” Tim said.

“AHA!” Mr. Smith yelled. “So why did you do that?”

“Because he called me a nerd once in third grade. I had to get him back.”

“Understandable. Being called a nerd is the highest offense! Anyway, since clearly none of you is the killer, I’m going to go ask the rich people questions upstairs.”

A few minutes later, Mr. Smith knocked on the door of the room where Harry and his friends were. “What?” Harry asked.

“I’ve caught the killer. Let me in, he’s running down the hall after me!” Mr. Smith yelled in a panicked voice.

“Alright!” Harry opened the door, shutting it behind him. “Who’s the killer?”

“I don’t know.” Mr. Smith said.

“But you just said they were chasing you,” Harry was dumbfounded.

“He lies a lot,” Ritchie said. “Don’t trust a word out of his mouth.”

“I came in here to question you and find out which one of you is the killer!” Mr. Smith explained.

“None of us is the killer,” Leo said. “What happened to the chief of police? Did you bribe him to let you try to solve the crime?”

“Actually, I left a trail of cookies to lead him into the storage closet. He’s eating them in there now.”

“Oh my God!” Leo snapped. “You’re a complete moron! You’ll never be able to solve this case! Harry, open the door! We’d better take matters into our own hands!”

Twenty minutes later, they had let out the chief, who found fingerprints on the body and arrested the killer, Tim Dunn. “Why’d you do it, Mr. Dunn?” The chief asked.

“I hate working here! I wanted to kill all the kitchen staff just to spite Harry for forcing me to make him such complicated dishes! Do you know how exhausting it is to make a chicken sandwich?”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “There was no meat labeled duck in the fridge for your chicken sandwich! Only chicken and turkey! Unless… does a chicken sandwich have turkey in it? Turkey is a bird, right?”

Mr. Dunn was led away. Mr. Smith realized that he had failed in trying to prove his intelligence, rage building inside of him. Mr. Smith screamed, picking Simon up and throwing him at the police chief. “Take that!” He yelled. Then he ran into the kitchen, grabbing a handful of berries and throwing them at kitchen staff. “That’s what you get for not telling me who the murderer was!” He yelled. Then he took pancake batter and began flinging it at people. “Ha!” He said. “Now you’re all dirty!”

The cops entered the room. “Please stop that.” One said.

“No!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“Then we’re going to have to ask you to leave,” Another officer chimed in.

“I’m NEVER leaving!” Mr. Smith yelled. He ran into the living room, crawling into the unlit fireplace and up the chimney. “I’m going to live in this chimney the rest of my life! Simon can bring me food, and I won’t have to be a failure any more!” Mr. Smith continued climbing up the chimney, but got wedged inside. “Oh no! I’m stuck! Someone help! I don’t know how to get down from here! What do I do?”

The police called the fire department, who helped a sheepish Mr. Smith down from the chimney, which took two hours.

Mr. Smith ran to Harry. “THIS is YOUR FAULT!” He yelled.

Harry turned to Mr. Smith. “No, it’s your fault. You’re all fired! Don’t come back here again!”

“You can’t fire me!” Mr. Smith yelled. “I’m not Mr. Smith, I’m his cousin, Mee- goo- well!”

“Then you’re fired, Miguel.” Harry deadpanned.

“Fine!” Mr. Smith yelled. “Then Mr. Smith will be back next week!”

“I’m firing Mr. Smith too,” Harry said. “It’s your job to tell him.”

“No!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“If you come back, I’ll tell everyone I know how you failed to solve the crime, Mr. Smith,” Harry snickered.

“Fine!” Mr. Smith yelled. “I QUIT!” Mr. Smith and his friends fled the crime scene, returning home where they spent the rest of the weekend binging Dancing With The Stars.

***

#mr smith questioning people lol #dancing with the stars has made a triumphant return #mr. smith #part two #mr smith 26 part two #murder mystery

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #26 Murder Mystery Part One

Mr. Smith woke up early that morning, excited to start his new job. He ran down the marble staircase of his new mansion like a child on Christmas morning. It was the perfect comparison- after all, children had a lot in common with Mr. Smith- their genius level IQ and their maturity level.

Mr. Smith saw his friends crowding around the middle of the stairs. Curious about the commotion, he called out to his friends. “Hello, Philip! Bob, Frankie! Where’s Simon? He’s supposed to help me with my Abnormal Psychology homework. My professor says if I continue to not do assignments, my grade will drop significantly! I’m already at a negative 200 in the class!”

“I’m right here,” Simon replied. Mr. Smith saw that Philip was dangling Simon over the edge of the stairs. “Philip wanted me to give him money, and I said no.”

Mr. Smith turned to Philip. “But you have $1 million in the bank after you blackmailed that movie star last week.”

Philip sighed. “I lost the check. I gave it to Amy for safekeeping. She said she put it somewhere secret, and then forgot where.”

“Oh. My. God!” Amy yelled from behind Mr. Smith. “I trust the wrong people with my money TOO! One time, I found a gold bar just sitting there in the middle of the street. Someone forgot it was there! I took it home, like, kaa- ching I’m rich! I gave it to Susan to hide, and then later I found out where she hid it- in the back of a random person’s truck! We ran out to the road only to see them driving away! I never saw that gold again. It was so ANNOY- ING!”

“That WAS annoying!” Susan walked up beside Amy. “Something like that happened to me TOO! One time, I was working as a security guard at a bank, and someone was robbing the bank, and they told me to guard the diamonds in the back because apparently, diamonds are like, really expensive! I realized that when robbing a bank, a robber would find the diamonds too easily in the safe! So I took them out and gave them to some guy in a black mask to hide! I still don’t know why I got fired!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Why was he wearing a mask inside the bank? Was it Halloween?”

Susan sighed. “It was July. Sometimes they do Christmas in July, so I just thought it was Halloween in July.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “What month is Halloween in again? Was it Smithtober?”

“That’s not a month-“ Simon interjected.

“Yes it is!” Mr. Smith yelled. “Smithtober is the thirteenth month of the year, after December! They named it that because, a hundred years ago, my great grandfather Everett Smith singlehandedly destroyed the Germans in World War Two! Everett Smith bribed the German troops in China with chocolate! The Germans surrendered the battle, all because they were too distracted eating chocolate to fight. Everett Smith was declared a hero, and that day, originally January 1st, officially marked the new month, Smithtober, which is the shortest month of the year at 7 days.”

Philip finally pulled Simon back on the staircase. “Everett Smith was a great man. To think, we wouldn’t have won the war without him!”

“Grandpappy Smith is a lucky man,” Mr. Smith said. “To be the son of an American hero! One who even knew Chinese, in addition to speaking American, his first language! Grandpappy Smith even taught me some Chinese! I can say hello and how are you! Quack quack, meow!”

“He is certainly a true genius,” Philip said. “Just as we are TRUE platonic lovers.”

“Yes!” Mr. Smith said. “We’re a platonic power couple!”

Philip glanced down at his watch. “We’d better get going. We’re supposed to be at the mansion in thirty minutes.”

***

Fifteen minutes later, Mr. Smith and his friends arrived at the mansion. They were supposed to help prepare meals in the kitchen for the owner’s guests. Mr. Smith may have been living in a mansion, but he was far from rich. He kept spending thousands of dollars on groceries because Simon ate all the food in the fridge every time Mr. Smith went shopping. Philip always said it was a miracle Simon was so skinny. Mr. Smith would have agreed, but he didn’t know what the word miracle meant, despite having worked as a missionary the previous year.

Mr. Smith knocked on the front door. They waited for a few minutes, then a man in a suit opened the door. Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “You’re wearing a suit! Are you Alfred, from Batman?”

The butler glowered at him. “No.”

Philip chimed in. “Alfred is Spiderman’s butler, Mr. Smith.”

Mr. Smith began counting on his fingers, pointing to places in space. “So I got the wrong movie? Is that why he said no?”

“I’m not Alfred. My name is Steven. Batman is a work of fiction!” The butler snapped.

Mr. Smith’s face went blank. “Fiction? I don’y know what that is.”

“It means it isn’t real!” Alfred Steven snapped. “There is no Batman!”

Next to Mr. Smith, Simon began to cry. “There, there, Simon,” Mr. Smith patted Simon’s back. “Don’t let the mean butler Alfred ruin your dreams.”

Steven huffed. “Please, come in. Mr. Crowley is expecting you.”

Mr. Smith followed Batman’s butler inside. They passed through the kitchen, where several other staff members were working. They were working hard preparing breakfast for Mr. Crowley, a man whose first name Mr. Smith had already forgotten. Mr. Smith noticed one man was making pancakes with blueberries, so Mr. Smith grabbed a handful of berries from the bowl, causing the man to glare at Mr. Smith.

They came upon the dining room. There, Mr. Crowley had several guests over for breakfast. Mr. Smith gasped when he saw all the guests. “YOU! The gay geniuses! And that famous movie actor, Harrison Crowley! Oh no! What are YOU doing HERE?!”

Harry glared at Mr. Smith. “I live here. Who hired you as my kitchen worker?!”

Mr. Smith gasped again. “I thought YOU were a different Harrison Crowley! Oh no! What do I do?!”

Harry sighed. “You can start by making us breakfast.”

“I don’t know if that’s the best idea,” Leo chimed in. “He might put rats in the food.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “I don’t want to serve you!” Mr. Smith paused, scratching his head for several minutes. “Oh I know! How about YOU make the food for ME! The we’ll see who has the power here! A TRUE genius or you fools!”

“I have 160 level IQ,” Harry said. “So it looks like you’ve got something right.”

Mr. Smith began to stare ahead blankly for several minutes. Finally, he spoke. “Is 160 higher or lower than infinity? I forgot.”

Leo snickered. “It’s lower.”

Mr. Smith threw his hands up in frustration. “Why did no one tell me this before?! I made it all the way through Elementary School!”

“They teach that in Elementary School,” Said a new person. It was a 19 year old boy, sitting next to a boy who looked about 20. “You must have fallen asleep in like, every class.”

Mr. Smith narrowed his eyes. “I’ve never seen you before! I recognize Alex, his mean boyfriend, Janie, Leo and Ritchie! Who are you two new people?”

“I’m Kevin, and this is David. We’re friends of Harry’s,” The 19 year old boy said.

Mr. Smith smirked. “I have more friends than you smart people! Ha! Who has the power now?”

“Us. You’re working for us, remember?” The 20 year old, David, smirked.

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “You’re MEAN!”

Gerald scratched his head. “My Mama says I’m smart. That makes it true, don’t it?”

Dominic peered at his friend. “I think so. Don’t most people believe everything their Mama tells them, at age 30?”

Evan stroked his chin. “How old am I again? I thought I was negative 200.”

Harry chuckled. Chris facepalmed, and Leo and Ritchie groaned. Alex, David and Kevin were in hysterics. “So you haven’t been born for another 200 years?” Kevin asked.

“That’s completely illogical.” Leo added.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “Is illogical a type of math? Like the math Evan is trying to use to figure out his age? Oh no! I should have brought my calculator!”

“I doubt that would resolve the issue,” Leo sighed.

“My calculator can resolve any problem!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the table.

Harry clapped his hands. “Why don’t you stop arguing with my guests and go work in the kitchen with the others? Come on!”

Mr. Smith pouted, but Philip took hold of his arm. “Come on. Let’s show these chumps how much better we are than them by not getting fired this time! Or quitting!”

“Fine!” Mr. Smith huffed. “Mr. Smith won’t be a loser today!”

“Just tomorrow and every day after that,” David snickered.

Mr. Smith growled, but was lead into the kitchen by Philip. In the kitchen, workers were tirelessly slaving away, making sandwiches for Harry and his guests. They were complicated sandwiches too- peanut butter and jelly! Mr. Smith got right to work, eager to prove himself. He wouldn’t forget a single ingredient this time!

They were twenty minutes in when suddenly they heard a crash from the other room. “Oh no!” Mr. Smith yelled. “It must be my younger brother, here to ruin my day! Freddy Smith! When I try to be responsible, he shows up and ruins it! Oh no! What do I do? Now I’ll never prove to those chumps that I’m the TRUE genius!”

Philip sighed. “I’m sure Freddy isn’t here. I’ll go investigate the noise.”

To Be Continued In Part Two (Post Available Now)

#mr smith #wow he actually remembered all the ingredients of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich #what an accomplishment #amy really shouldn’t have trusted Susan with the gold bar though #funny story #silly story #leo and ritchie #amy and susan #original story #philip and simon #leonard philips #ritchie johnson #alex and chris #david and kevin

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #25: Cognitive Psych Class

Mr. Smith woke up early that May morning more excited than he had been since his 31st birthday at Chuck E. Cheese. He was pumped for the beginning of the summer ten week long semester at MIT, and had just changed his major back to Psychology. Mr. Smith was fascinated by the workings of the human mind, particularly in regards to intelligence and why students at the puppy farm were so much smarter than all of the so called geniuses at MIT.

Mr. Smith arrived on campus at seven o’ clock sharp, reading over the syllabus in the library to prepare for the class he was most excited to take this semester- Cognitive Psychology. Mr. Smith knew it was all about learning and intelligence, and was sure he’d learn all about students at the puppy farm and their 3,000 level IQ. Mr. Smith looked up at the clock and realized it was time to head to class, and hurried over to the Humanities building to meet his friends beforehand.

When Mr. Smith arrived, all of his friends were lingering on the first floor. He greeted them before they took the elevator up to the third floor where their class was. The doors opened and Mr. Smith gasped.

“YOU!” Mr. Smith yelled. He turned to Philip. “It’s the GAY GENIUSES! Quick, close the doors! We still have time to escape!”

Leo rolled his eyes. “You’re ridiculous. You’re literally the stupidest person I have ever met. Go on, run away like you always do.”

Next to him, several people laughed. Mr. Smith pouted. He turned to Philip. “Come on, Phil. Let’s show these chumps that WE are the TRUE geniuses here!”

“Yeah!” Philip exclaimed. “Let’s show these chumps, platonic love of my life!”

Mr. Smith and his friends hurried out of the elevator. They were a little early, so the professor wasn’t there yet. It would be another fifteen minutes before class began.

A blonde girl waiting near the front looked at Mr. Smith’s shirt, which had a flock of seagulls on it. “Are those, like, dodo birds? That’s like, so, like, cool! I love birds!”

Mr. Smith’s face lit up. “Yes! Those ARE dodo birds! You must be another TRUE genius like me! My name is Mr. Smith, what’s yours?”

The blonde girl squinted at Mr. Smith. “I’m not sure. I forget things a lot.”

Another girl piped up. “Your name is Angelina. That’s the seventh time you’ve forgotten this week.”

Angelina scratched her head. “OH! It IS Angelina! Thank you! Who are you?”

The girl rolled her eyes. “My name is Janie. I’m in your Abnormal Psych class, and I sat next to you in Sociology, Intro Psych, AND Anthropology.”

Angelina sighed. “Oh, right. You’re that girl who thinks she’s smarter than me. What are YOU doing here? This is MY class. I’M the most popular girl in High School!”

Janie sighed. “This isn’t High School. And I am smarter than you. You can’t even figure out one plus one.”

Angelina flipped her hair. “Yes I can! It’s 13.”

Leo’s jaw dropped. “One plus one is not 13!”

Angelina turned to Leo. “But it has a 1 in it!”

Janie snorted. “A lot of numbers have a 1 in them.”

Angelina looked back at Janie. “No they don’t!”

Philip chimed in. “One plus one is eleven. It’s a one and a one.”

Angelina slapped herself on the head. “Oh, silly me! That does make sense! I totally forgot 11 is a number!”

Ritchie huffed. “One plus one is TWO! Pretty sure Leo has been over this with Mr. Smith already.”

Mr. Smith chimed in, “One plus one is 14! I learned that at the puppy farm middle school equivalency program!”

Angelina gasped. “I just graduated from there! Hey, is Harold Smith your Dad?”

Mr. Smith nodded. “Yes, he is!”

Angelina gasped again. “He was both my History AND Math teacher! He’s like, so smart! He blackmailed my way into college last year! He taught me all the reasons why the puppy farm isn’t a cult!”

Mr. Smith smiled. “Harold Smith is a TRUE genius, just like us! We’re really similar, I think we’ll be friends! You can sit with us in class!”

Angelina squinted at Mr. Smith. “What class?”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I don’t know, I just forgot.”

Philip smiled. “Mr. Smith, this is Cognitive Psych class, remember? You picked it out.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “What is a Cognitive and why is it Psyched?”

Another new voice sighed from next to Janie. “You’re going to have a very difficult time in this class. How do you not know what Cognitive Psych is? Didn’t you take Intro to Psych?” He asked.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Isn’t Intro the beginning of a movie?”

The blond man’s jaw dropped. “I said Intro to PSYCH. I didn’t say anything about movies!”

Leo addressed the man. “Harry, this is that guy Ritchie and I were telling you about. Mr. Smith.”

“Oh, you mean that idiot that shows up everywhere you go?” Harry raised an eyebrow.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I didn’t know you two knew another Mr. Smith! My Mom says I’m the only Mr. Smith in his existence, she calls me her Little Baby Smith.”

Leo, Ritchie, and the other geniuses snickered. Just then, the professor approached the door and unlocked it, and everyone followed her inside. The geniuses all sat together, and Mr. Smith’s crew of idiots sat behind them. “Hello, class. My name is Professor Collins, but you can just call me Susan.”

Susan raised her hand. “Yes?” Professor Collins asked.

“OMGG, my name is Susan TOOO, we should start a CLUB! I can be Susan 1, because I came first, and you can be Susan 2! It would be SOOO COOL!” Susan squealed.

Angelina piped up. “Can I be Susan 3?”

Susan glanced at Angelina. “I thought your name was Angelina! You can’t be in the club!”

Angelina started to cry.

“Class!” Professor Collins snapped. “Pay attention! We need to go over some important information! Now, can anyone tell me why Cognitive Psychology is so important to the field of psychology in general?”

Mr. Smith raised his hand. “Yes?” Professor Collins asked.

“I’m hungry. Can I go to the vending machine and get a snack?” Mr. Smith asked.

“No. This is during class time. I’m trying to lecture.”

Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the desk. “But Simon is really hungry too! Don’t you care about Simon, you bitch!”

Professor Collins gritted her teeth. “Now, Mr. Smith, it’s important that you BEHAVE yourself in this class, or you will be forced to leave!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I can’t leave. I haven’t been on campus in two weeks. I only made it to the classroom because Philip led the way. If I try to leave, I might get lost.”

“Then you’ll have to follow the campus map!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “What if I can’t find the map? Or I get lost leaving the building? Directions confuse me. Sometimes, I get lost in my own house.”

Professor Collins sighed. “If you behave, I won’t have to kick you out, and then you won’t get lost.”

Mr. Smith sighed. “Fine. I promise I won’t call you a bitch again. I’m SORRY. There! I said it! Now, can I stay?”

“Thank you for your apology. Now please let me teach. Now, can anyone answer my question? What is the importance of Cognitive Psychology to psychology as a field in general?”

Ritchie raised his hand. “It teaches us how humans learn, which helps us understand how they process information and the world around them.”

Professor Collins beamed. “Wonderful job, Ritchie! Someone’s paying attention! Now, let’s all keep that in mind as we approach this course. But first, I’d like to go over my syllabus with you.”

Professor Collins clicked a button for her slides. “First, there will be two tests, a Midterm and a Final.”

Mr. Smith threw his hands up in the air. “TWO tests? That’s not fair! What if I fail both of them?! Then I’ll fail the class!”

Bob began to sob. “Oh, exams! Oh, woe is me, to try and achieve the American Dream through an education and to be given these cruel instruments of nature! Tests! What havoc they wreak on the poor, hardworking American citizen! How cruel you are to test our knowledge with these tests! To rob us of our right to an easy ride! Oh, woe is me! Poor Bob!” Bob began to sob again.

Frank began to sob as well. “Tests! An instrument of the government to oppress the working class! To turn us all into mindless little minions, slaving away, reading in preparation for what? A test that we will probably fail no matter what, a failure to achieve the American Dream! Oh, what has this world come to?”

“Well, unfortunately for you, tests are just another part of being a student. You’ll be fine if you pay attention.” Professor Collins said.

“Pay attention?!” Mr. Smith yelled. “How am I supposed to do that? This class is an hour long! What if I have to go smoke crack in the bathroom in the middle with Philip and Simon and I miss half the class?!”

“Part of being a responsible student is learning to pay attention, Mr. Smith.” Professor Collins sighed.

“Why would I need to be a responsible student? Even if I fall asleep every class, Harold Smith will just blackmail you into passing me.”

Amy gasped. “I hate responsibility TOOO! One time, when I was working at Walmart, and I got fired for hoarding over the counter medications to sell to my drug dealer friend who is also a preschool teacher! For some reason it didn’t go over very well.”

Susan squealed. “OMGG! Something like that happened to me too! I was working at the movie theater, but I got fired for sneaking into the theater when I was supposed to be working to watch Terminator over and over again for free! I still don’t know why they were mad.”

Angelina raised her hand. “Yes?” Professor Collins huffed.

“Is Terminator real? Harold Smith was teaching my history class at the puppy farm high school equivalency program and he told us it was all based on real events.” Angelina started to lower her hand, but then raised it, then lowered it again.

“Do you have another question?” Professor Collins asked.

Angelina furrowed her brow. “I don’t know. Maybe.“

“Yes?“

“I said I don’t know! Stop pressuring me! You wouldn’t like it if I pressured you to ask a question you don’t have!” Angelina pouted.

“But you raised your hand.” Professor Collins said, dumbfounded.

“I don’t know why I did that.” Angelina said.

“Okay. Let’s continue, class. We will be having homework once a month, just a quick summary of your reading for the current chapter.”

Kitty raised his hand. “Yes?” Professor Collins gritted her teeth.

“Will there be any reading about the intelligence of kitty cats in this class?” Kitty asked.

“You’re not a cat!” Alex snapped.

Kitty scratched his head. “If you can be a boy, I can be a cat. Don’t rain on my parade. Cats don’t like water.”

“There will be no readings about cats.” Professor Collins sighed.

“Then what is the point of taking this class?! I thought we’d actually learn something interesting in this class! I’m leaving, I have better things to do. I’m going to go catnap, and then maybe look for some mice to hunt.” Kitty stormed out of the room, slamming the door behind him.

“Anyway, there will be two quizzes. They will each have twenty questions, and they will be about the previous chapter we have discussed at that point.”

Mr. Smith screamed. “What’s wrong now?” Asked Professor Collins.

Mr. Smith threw his hands up in the air. “I just realized, I forgot to do my chores at home! Harold Smith will be so mad at me!”

“Mr. Smith, you can’t just scream in the middle of class!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Why not?”

“Because it’s disruptive!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Is disruptive a volcano that has never erupted?”

“No. Just please do not do that again, or I will call security and you will be escorted away.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “Is escorted Spanish for a sports car? I have a sports car, Grandpappy Smith blackmailed the police chief into giving me his brand new Lamborghini, and to steal his rich friend’s limosuine to bring all my friends and I to school.”

Leo huffed. “Your grandfather blackmailed someone into giving you a limosuine?! Is there no limit to this ridiculous blackmail? I’m surprised you don’t have your own mansion by now, with someone else blackmailed to pay the mortgage!”

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “I do live in a mansion now. And I have a second home in France. Grandpappy Smith blackmailed the French royalty to let me and Philip spend romantic platonic summers in Versailles. I also like to visit there occasional weekends, so I displaced the French royalty completely. They are now all homeless.”

Ritchie facepalmed. “You kicked the French royalty out of Versailles? What did the French government say?”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Nothing. Harold Smith blackmailed the CEO of Hershey Chocolate to hand over all rights to the business. Harold Smith now bribed the entire French government with chocolate. Harold Smith’s word is law in France. He could even wage war if he wanted. Harold Smith says his plan for the puppy farm is to take over the world someday.”

Leo gaped and Ritchie huffed. Alex looked horrified and Chris buried his face in his hands. Janie huffed and Harry’s eyes widened. “The puppy farm is growing increasingly concerning! This could DESTROY the world!” Leo exclaimed.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Isn’t Destroy another name for a type of dessert? Is destroying the world really a bad thing? You can never have too much dessert.”

Leo sighed. “This is ridiculous. Nevermind.”

Professor Collins threw her hands in the air. “That’s it! Mr. Smith, you and your friends have been nothing but disruptive this whole class!”

“There’s no volcano in this class!” Mr. Smith said. “If there were a volcano, we’d all be too warm!”

“You’ve done nothing but interrupt this whole class! I want you to leave, right now!”

Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the desk. “No! I signed up for this class, and I want to stay! Besides, we’re only twenty minutes into the class! It’s not time for me, Simon and Philip to go smoke crack in the bathroom yet!”

“Well, I’M officially kicking you out! Goodbye, Mr. Smith! And take your friends with you!”

Mr. Smith screamed in frustration as his friends, including Angelina, got up and began to leave. Then he crossed his arms across his chest. “I’m not going!” He yelled. Five minutes later, security was called to escort Mr. Smith out of the classroom. As they tried to lift Mr. Smith up from his desk, he held on for dear life until he forgot how. Then he began kicking and screaming as the security guards picked him up, grabbing a man by the hair. Finally, they put him down outside, but Mr. Smith waited another twenty minutes to exact his revenge.

Mr. Smith knew he wouldn’t be able to sneak into the class through the same route with the security detail guarding the entrance, so he went through the door marked “staff only” and took the elevator to the roof. He then used a giant bungee he kept in his backpack instead of his textbooks for a rainy day, and used it to hang over the classroom window to try to get inside.

Mr. Smith knew he had to be sly in getting into that class like a spy with everyone in the room watching. He took out his pizza cutter to saw a circle in the window, but soon realized a pizza cutter wasn’t what had been used in that spy movie. Mr. Smith began to pound on the glass. “Let me in, you jerks! I just want to enjoy this class! Open the window!” Mr. Smith then looked down at the ground, realizing how high up he was. “Help! I’m stuck! I don’t know how to get down!”

Ten minutes later, the fire department arrived and helped Mr. Smith down. Mr. Smith, safely on the ground, screamed and ran away. The he and Philip embarked on a vacation in Versailles for the rest of the week, smoking crack in a bong.

***

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #24: Calculus Class

It was April, just a week after Mr. Smith lost at Jeopardy, when Mr. Smith returned to his new favorite class- Advanced Differential Calculus. Mr. Smith had been doing well in the class, better than he ever had in college- he had a 20% as his overall grade! Mr. Smith was excited that he was finally passing a class, as he was sure this was a passing grade- Harold Smith had told him so.

Before class, Mr. Smith’s professor had arranged to meet with him. Mr. Smith was sure it was to congratulate Mr. Smith on how well he was doing in the class. Mr. Smith eagerly knocked on his professor’s door. “I’m here!” He yelled.

“Come in,” Professor Stanley quietly commanded. Mr. Smith opened the door, surprised he knew how. He was on a roll lately!

“Sit down, Mr. Smith,” Said Professor Stanley. “I have some bad news. As I am sure you are aware, you are failing my class.”

Mr. Smith gasped. “No I’m not! I have a 20% as my overall grade! Dad told me it’s passing!”

“It is unprofessional to call your father ‘Dad’ when addressing your professor,” Professor Stanley glowered.

“Dad likes when I call him Dad. He says it’s special because he’s the only person named Dad in the world.” Mr. Smith said.

“That’s nice. Anyway, 20% is not a passing grade, you have been misinformed.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Does misinformed mean I miss my Dad? It has been a few hours since I last saw him, so that could be true.”

Professor Stanley gritted his teeth. “Misinformed means you are wrong.”

“WRONG?!” Mr. Smith yelled. “But my Dad TOLD ME IT’S TRUE! I CAN’T be WRONG, you big jerk! You’re MEAN!”

Professor Stanley sighed. “The only way you’ll pass my class is by scoring a 100 on this test. Otherwise, you will most certainly fail.”

Mr. Smith smiled cockily. “My Dad will just blackmail you into passing me. What do you say to THAT, huh? You jerk!”

“I’ll say that I will stay true to my integrity and fail you if your father tries to blackmail me.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “FINE. I’ll… TRY to do well on this test and boost my grade. But if I fail, it’s all YOUR FAULT.”

Professor Stanley narrowed his eyes. “No- if you do not show me the proper respect, I will kick you out of my class and you will receive a failing grade, instead of taking my generous opportunity to improve your score. Do you understand?”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “What is an opportunity? Does it have something to do with an octopus? They have two of those at the aquarium where I swam with the sharks.”

Professor Stanley sighed. “I don’t even want to know. Just please try and do better on this test, and don’t disrespect me again, or I will kick you out of this class.”

“Alright,” Mr. Smith agreed.

Twenty minutes later, Mr. Smith sat in the classroom eagerly awaiting his test. He knew he’d do well, he spent five minutes practicing before class! He would easily score a 100, maybe even a 1,000 on this test! There was a first time for everything, right?

Then, four students came into the classroom- Leo, Ritchie, Alex, and a tall college age student Mr. Smith had never seen before. Mr. Smith covered his face with his hands. “Oh no! Not another genius! Someone help!”

Alex smiled. “This is my boyfriend, Chris. He has a 160 level IQ. I bet that makes you really nervous, doesn’t it, Mr. Smith?”

Mr. Smith trembled and peeked through his fingers. “Oh no! He’s… another GAY GENIUS!”

Alex smiled. “That’s right.”

Chris rolled his eyes. “Why do you care if I’m gay and a genius? What does it matter what my sexual orientation is?”

Ritchie nodded. “That’s what I said! He can’t stand if someone in the LGBTQ community is smarter than him. He’s really homophobic.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Does homphobic mean I’m scared of spiders? Spiders are really scary. Philip says when I see them I scream like a girl.”

The four (actually intelligent) boys snickered. “It’s always amusing when homophobes emasculate themselves. Very hypocritical.” Chris said.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Is a hypocrite the same thing as a hippopotamus?”

Chris sighed in annoyance. “No. A hypocrite is someone who acts like they’re better than everyone and then contradicts their own logic.”

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “Those were too many words for me to listen. Can you say that again, but slowly and with smaller words so I can understand?”

Chris rolled his eyes. “You’re a moron.”

Mr. Smith glared at Chris. “I know what THAT word means! You’re just jealous because I have a girlfriend and you don’t!”

Chris glared back. “I’m happy with my boyfriend. At least I’m not insecure and throwing stones in glass houses like you! I bet you don’t even HAVE a girlfriend!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “Why would someone throw stones in glass houses? Wouldn’t the house break? Or would the stones just bounce off? I can never remember these things.”

Professor Stanely walked into the room. “Hello, class. Today we will be welcoming a few students to take the test with us, as they are from my other class that unfortunately I cannot have due to a family emergency I will need to take care of. Welcome Leonard, Richard, Alexander and Christian!”

People smiled and waved at them as Mr. Smith opened his backpack. “I brought my most sophisticated calculator!” Mr. Smith announced, taking it out.

Professor Stanely took a look. “This is a broken children’s toy calculator held together by Scotch tape and old glue, not a sophisticated graphing calculator like I instructed you to bring. Does this even turn on?”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I don’t know how to turn it on.”

“There’s a button that says ‘on’ in large letters at the top below the screen.” Professor Stanley said with a sigh.

Mr. Smith stared blankly. “This classroom has a wooden door, not a screen door. My Dad has a screen door ar home. He uses it so flies don’t get in the house in the summer. Wait, if you have summer classes, how do you keep flies out with that wooden door?”

“That’s hardly relevant,” Leo said. “The professor is trying to help you with this situation before your test and you’re completely off topic.”

“What is a topic and why is it off?” Asked Mr. Smith. “Does it have an on button too?”

“Oh my God,” Leo said. “You’re HOPELESS!”

Ritchie shook his head. “I’m sure he won’t last much longer in this class, Leo. Just ignore him.”

Leo sighed. “I guess you’re right.”

“You can use this calculator, Mr. Smith. I have a spare,” Alex said, handing Mr. Smith a graphing calculator.

Mr. Smith took the calculator from Alex. “What am I supposed to do with this? It has too many buttons!”

“I don’t know, Mr. Smith!” Professor Stanley snapped. “Figure it out!”

An hour later, Professor Stanley collected the tests. He addressed Mr. Smith after seeing his test. “What’s this?” He pointed to an illustration on the first page.

“It’s a drawing of the afterlife for members of the puppy farm! Did you know that people associated with the puppy farm have a special place in the afterlife reserved just for them? It’s called Puppytopia, and there are puppies, and unicorns, and endless amounts of ice cream to eat! It’s a beautiful paradise for loyal servants to the puppy farm where no one willl ever call you stupid again!”

Professor Stanley sighed. “Should I even turn the page or is it just more drawings?”

Mr. Smith peered at the professor as if confused. “I only drew one picture.”

Professor Stanley turned the page. “Why did you just write a story instead of answers for the rest of the test?!”

Mr. Smith smiled. “Read the story, it’s very clever, much more important than anything we learned in class!”

“It says, ‘Once upon a time, there was a boy named Mr. Smith. Now, Mr. Smith was no ordinary boy. One day Mr. Smith was walking in the forest and a spider came down and bit him. But it wasn’t just a spider. It was a radioactive spider, and soon, young Mr. Smith developed powers! He could climb walls upside down, had super strength and could shoot webs. He would swing through the city with Susan in his arms after he got a job at McDonald’s.

“But things soon turned sour for Mr. Smith. The Joker began terrorizing Gotham City, and Mr. Smith knew he had to stop it. He had a showdown with the Joker, who said he thought he was more of a genius than infinity level IQ Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith couldn’t have this. His reputation was at stake. Mr. Smith wrote up a list of reasons why he was smarter than the Joker.

“‘Reason number one,’ Mr. Smith said. ‘I am the hero of this story, so I must be smarter than you. Two, my Dad tells me I’m the smartest person to ever live, so it must be true. Three, I feel as if I’m a genius, so I am. And four, I’m a genius because I said so.’ Mr. Smith finished. The Joker clapped. ‘You really ARE a genius!’

The Joker said. ‘I’ll be sure to tell all the criminals, and then because of you, Mr. Smith, there will never be any crimes committed in the entire world again!’ Mr. Smith smiled. ‘Except for the bodies in my fridge.’ He said. The End.”

Professor Stanley lowered the test. “This test has served no purpose except to amuse yourself. Mr. Smith, your grade for this test is a negative 100. You officially have failed with a negative score as your overall grade.”

Mr. Smith’s face turned beet red. He turned to the four boys. “This is ALL YOUR FAULT! If you hadn’t distracted me I wouldn’t have tried to get a 5,000 on this test with that story! The professor didn’t even like it! I thought it was creative! That’s IT! I QUIT! I am officially dropping this course!”

Mr. Smith ran out of the room, but the four boys could hear crashing sounds from the hallway outside. “Oh God,” Leo muttered. There was the sound of Mr. Smith screaming in frustration as well as the shouts of startled students. Mr. Smith came back in the room with a mop from the Janitor’s and began chasing students in the class out of their seats. “If I can’t enjoy this class, neither can you!” He yelled. He ran over to the professor’s desk and began knocking things off the desk with the mop. “Take that!” He yelled. Then he suddenly dropped the mop on the ground after he forgot how to hold it, and then tried to leave the desk, but he tripped over the mop after he forgot it was there. “Oh no!” He yelled. “Help! Someone help! I’ve forgotten how to get up! I look so stupid!”

Students began to filter out of the room as the class ended, leaving Mr. Smith flailing around helplessly on the ground. “That’s what you get for being nothing but spiteful. This time we won’t even help you up,” Ritchie said, as Mr. Smith began clawing at the floor. The whole class left Mr. Smith in the class alone for some time as it was the last class in that room of the day, but eventually the janitor came in looking for his mop and helped Mr. Smith, who fled the campus around midnight in shame.

***

#mr smith is so excited to have a 20 in Calculus Class #i guess that’s a good grade for him #that moment of PANIC… when a new genius enters the room #mr smith’s calculator though #a children’s toy calculator held together by Scotch tape and old glue #very sophisticated #mr. smith #cute gay couple #funny story #leo and ritchie #fictional gay couple #silly story #amy and susan #fiction #original story #philip and simon #mr. smith story #leonard philips #ritchie johnson

[mr-smith-stories]

Note: This next story pays homage to SNL’s ‘Celebrity Jeopardy’ skits I always loved, with a Mr. Smith-esque twist to it. Enjoy!

Mr. Smith #23- Mr. Smith Plays Jeopardy

It was near the end of March, the midpoint of the semester at MIT, and spring break had just begun for Leo and Ritchie. Ritchie had suggested to Leo they do something different this spring break, so they filled out an application to be on Jeopardy, a show Leo had always loved. They had filled out and mailed the form weeks ago, and were set to appear on the show with fellow contestants Miguel, Marge, Harry Styles, Lili Reinhart, John, and Yosef. Leo was very excited to meet his fellow contestants and prove just how knowledgeble he was on this game show.

After class let out that Friday, Leo and Ritchie took a plane to Los Angeles. That Sunday they showed up early to the set if the famous game show, but were surprised to see only the host had arrived. “Mr. Trebek?” Leo asked. “Where are the other contestants?”

The door flew open and in came Mr. Smith, Kitty, Philip, Simon, Susan and Amy. “Sorry we’re late!” Mr. Smith yelled. “Yosef was afraid of flying in planes and started crying in the airport, so we missed our flight!”

“Yosef?!” Leo asked incredulously. “That’s not Yosef, that’s Simon! And you’re Mr. Smith!”

“I am not Mr. Smith, he’s my cousin, we just look alike because we’re also twins! I’m Mee- goo- well!” Mr. Smith stamped his foot.

“Twins? Cousins can’t be twins! And the name is Miguel, not Mee- goo- well!” Ritchie snorted.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “What is a twin again? I just forgot.”

Alex Trebek cleared his throat. “Let’s get started. Everyone, go to your podiums, please.”

Leo and Ritchie went to their podium, Susan and Amy to one marked Lili Reinhart and Marge, Simon, Philip, Kitty, and Mr. Smith to Yosef, Harry Styles, John and Miguel, respectively. The categories appeared on the screen. Trebek cleared his throat. “Our categories are Letters of the Alphabet, Famous Historical Figures, Name The States in The US, Numbers Less Than Ten, and Name That Animal.”

Ritchie pressed the button on his microphone. “Why are all of the categories so easy?”

Leo activated his mic. “Yes. Letters of the Alphabet? This might as well be called Jeopardy for Kindergarteneners.”

Kitty pressed on his mic. “I made it all the way through Kindergarten!” He exclaimed, clapping his hands, proud of his accomplishments in life as a 32 year old.

“But then first grade was too challenging for you so you dropped out,” Leo drawled.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Does first grade come before or after second grade? Elementary school was so confusing for me that I can’t remember anything I learned.”

Leo sighed. “How are you even on this show? You can’t even do basic math!”

Mr. Smith began to gesture, pointing to places in space. “Is basic math a type of drug?”

Ritchie chuckled and Leo snickered. “Math is a subject in school!”

Mr. Smith rolled his eyes. “There are no submarines in school! They wouldn’t fit!”

Leo’s jaw dropped. “A subject is not the same thing as a submarine!”

“OMGG!” Amy squealed. “I LOVE submarines! I had one for lunch yesterday!”

Susan gasped. “I LOVE SUBMARINES TOOOO! I work at the deli with Mr. Smith on weekends, and he makes me subs all the time! I still can’t believe I never had a sub before then, I didn’t know what a submarine was before last week! So cool!”

Trebek cleared his throat. “Please pay attention. We are going to start.”

“What- ever,” Amy huffed, and Susan rolled her eyes.

Trebek gestured to Leo and Ritchie, on the far left. “Your team goes first. Choose a category, please.”

Leo sighed. “I’ll take The Fifty States for 500.”

Trebek clicked on the button and read the question. “Your question is… Is Camel a state in the USA?”

Leo and Ritchie both huffed. “Are you serious?!” Ritchie demanded. “Why is that even a question?”

“Camel is an animal, NOT a STATE!” Leo exclaimed, exasperated.

Trebek looked down at his phone as it pinged, then looked up. “I’m sorry, but you are incorrect.”

“Incorrect? Camel is NOT a STATE!” Leo insisted. “We got the question right!”

Trebek sighed, looking at his phone again. “I’m afraid Camel is in fact a state. See?” Trebek clicked a button and a children’s illustrstion of the US appeared, displaying “The Ten States” with “Camel” labeled as the entirety of New England. “It’s right there.”

Ritchie huffed. “That’s not even a real map. Why is Camel spelled with two A’s?”

Trebek looked at his phone again, then at Ritchie. “That is the proper spelling of the word camel.”

Ritchie sighed. “Whatever. Just continue the game.”

Trebek moved on to Susan and Amy. “I played a game like this once in High School! It was high stakes and required a lot of hard thinking, just like this!” Amy squealed.

“Ooh, so cool! What was it?” Susan asked.

“We had to play with these blocks, and the first one to knock it over lost! I did so well! I came in third place!” Amy squealed.

“So you actually did well for once? That’s a shock,” Leo said.

“I knooow! I even beat my friend Jamie, who’s really smart! She came in fourth and last place.”

Leo shook his head. “Oh my God. You’re stupid.”

Trebek cleared his throat. “Please pick a category.”

Amy squinted at the screen as if confused. “I pick Name That Animal for S-O- O.”

Trebek sighed. “It’s 500, but close enough.” He clicked a button, and a question appeared. “What animal says ‘quack quack.’”

Mr. Smith buzzed in. “A chimpanzee!”

Trebek sighed. “It is Amy’s turn. And you are wrong.”

Amy buzzed in. “Yes?” Trebek asked.

“A chimpanzee!” Amy said.

“Oh my God,” Leo sighed.

“You’re a moron,” Ritchie said. “He just told Mr. Smith that was incorrect.”

“I thought that maybe Trebek would change his mind,” Amy said. “Maybe he didn’t realize Mr. Smith was right.”

Trebek sighed. “Yosef, it is your turn.”

Leo huffed. “His name is Simon, not Yosef!”

Mr. Smith pounded his fist on his table. “If his nametag says Yosef, his name is Yosef!”

“What happened to the REAL Yosef?” Leo asked.

“Simon IS Yosef! I mean, Philip is Yosef! No, Yosef is Yosef! He is Yosef!” Mr. Smith yelled. “I am Yosef!”

Leo and Ritchie both laughed. “You can’t even decide who is impersonating Yosef.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Is impersonating another name for someone who wants to be president? And what is a Yosef?”

“Oh my God,” Leo groaned while Ritchie sighed.

“Anyway,” Trebek said. “Yosef, choose a category.”

Simon began to cry. “I can’t do this, it’s too overwhelming! There are just so many options to choose from! I can’t take this pressure!”

Trebek sighed. “Alright, Yosef. You can skip your turn. We will move on to Harry Styles.”

Simon sobbed harder. “Now I look like a crybaby! I have to go cry in the bathroom if I can find it!” Simon ran out of the room.

Trebek addressed Philip. “Harry Styles, it is your turn.”

Philip spoke. “I’d like a difficult one, I’m up for a challenge. I’ll take Letters of the Alphabet for 500.”

Trebek clicked a button and read the question as it appeared on the screen. “‘The first letter of the alphabet is A. The answer is yes.’”

Ritchie grumbled, “Why does the question have the answer in the question? It’s not a hard question.”

Mr. Smith buzzed in. “The answer is Zeetch!”

Leo looked horrified. “That’s not even a real letter of the alphabet!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head, then began to gesture and mouth things. “Yes it is. My father told me so yesterday! He discovered that the alphabet most people use is wrong! My dad is very smart. He found the answer on a wikipedia page Grandpappy Smith made.”

“Your grandfather tricked your father? No, you know what, I’m not even surprised.” Ritchie snorted.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “There are no puppies around to perform tricks, they’re all at the puppy farm.”

Trebek interrupted. “Miguel, it is not your turn.”

“What is a Miguel?” Mr. Smith looked bewildered.

Trebek looked at his phone as it pinged again. “Nevermind. It is not your turn. Harry, please answer the question.”

Philip shrugged. “I am not sure the alphabet exists. Bob and Frankie told me the alphabet is just a government conspiracy to oppress the skeptics who question the logic of modern “science” in the working class. All of academia is just an illusion to baffle us.”

Trebek sighed. “That is false. Miguel, as it appears your friend “John” has disappeared for no reason, you are next.”

Leo raised a hand. “Where did Kitty go?”

Philip shrugged. “He found some yarn in his pocket he had forgotten was there, so he left to go play with it in the hall.”

“Miguel, it is your turn,” Trebek said again.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “My turn for what?”

Trebek gritted his teeth. “We’re playing Jeopardy. It’s your turn to pick a cateogory.”

Mr. Smith stared blankly for several minutes. “What is Jeopardy? And what is a category? Is it a type of cat, like Kitty?”

Trebek sighed. “Just pick a square with a number on the board.”

“Numbers Less Than Ten for 100. I want to start with an easy one to warm up before I show off my infinity level IQ.” Mr. Smith clapped his hands, proud of himself.

Trebek clicked a button and read the question. “How many numbers are there that are less than ten?”

Mr. Smith looked panicked. “I thought this would be an easier one!” He yelled in a petrified voice.

“It is easy. I’ll give you a hint. It’s ten minus one.” Trebek said.

Mr. Smith’s eyes widened to the size of saucers. “That math is too complicated for me to understand! Can’t you just tell me the answer?”

Trebek sighed. “I could, but then I’d be cheating.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “If this is on live television I could get caught cheating. I’ll try by myself.”

Trebek smiled. “You can use the calculator on your phone.”

Mr. Smith waved his hands animatedly through the air. “I only know how to use a traditional calculator! Using the app on my phone is too confusing, I sometimes forget how to open different apps. I click the wrong spot on my phone every time. If I don’t use the app often I just forget how to open it.”

Trebek sighed. “Just count on your fingers.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “What is this… “fingers”? I have never heard of that before.”

Leo gritted his teeth. “The answer is 9! It’s obvious! This is ridiculous! You’ve made a mockery out of this show! This is the most absurd game I’ve ever played and I’m sick of it. Ritchie?”

Ritchie smiled. “Yes?”

“Let’s go. This is completely ridiculous.”

“Wait!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“What?” Asked Leo.

“I want to win this game right. If you stay, I promise I will finally admit you are both smarter than me.”

“That’s absurd-“ Leo began.

Mr. Smith quickly added, “And if we ever meet again, I will never make your lives miserable by refusing to help you at my job or disrupting the classroom.”

Leo smiled. “Deal.”

Mr. Smith turned to Trebek. “The answer,” Mr. Smith said smugly. “Is nine.”

Leo and Ritchie facepalmed. Trebek smiled. “Mr. Smith, it appears you have won this game of Jeopardy.”

Mr. Smith cheered and clapped his hands. “Where’s my three billion dollars?”

Trebek looked confused. “What?”

Mr. Smith looked confused. “I demand my prize for winning be three billion dollars, three new sports cars, and to kick the French out of Versailles so I can live there.”

Trebek frowned. “We can’t just kick then out-“

Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the desk. “And I want a hot air balloon filled with enough food so Simon doesn’t get hungry and start crying, a pony- make that six ponies, my own zoo with friendly bears that won’t eat me so I can live among the bears, and a rocket ship with my name in big black letters on the side, reading “The Mr. Smith Shuttle” which will be used to bring my friends and I to the moon whenever we want.”

Trebek’s phone pinged. Finally, his calm demeanor was replaced by rage. “Harold Smith, that is enough! I will not listen to your demands anymore! Enough with the texts and blackmail! I cannot give your son what he wants, this is ridiculous! Let the world know that I’ve been stealing cattle from my best friend’s farm out of spite! He deserved it! Yes, it was ME, Jim. Me, your best friend Trebek! That’s what you get for stealing my girlfriend in middle school! There, I said it! I’m still mad! Mr. Smith, you are disqualified from this show, and so are all your friends, who are in fact not who they say they are! Leo and Ritchie therefore have won 3,000 dollars!”

Mr. Smith’s face turned red. “That’s NOT FAIR! I WON! Give me what I want, NOW, or else!”

Trebek shook his head.

Mr. Smith shrieked, then ripped his mic out of the podium and threw it offstage. “Take that!” Then he took his water bottle and threw it at Simon, who had finally returned from crying in the bathroom. “Screw you, Simon! I hate you!” Then he ran over to the camera and knocked it over. “Ha! You won’t be using this anymore, you piece of trash jerk!” He yelled at the cameraman. Then he picked up the cameraman and threw him at Simon, who ran out of the way. Finally, Mr. Smith ran backstage and found Cheese Whiz, then ran back and began trying to spray anyone who came across him with the cheese whiz, including the security guards trying to escort him away. After twenty minutes of running around, they finally took Mr. Smith and his friends away, arresting them until Mr. Smith’s father gave all the police snicker’s bars, and Leo and Ritchie enjoyed spending their 3,000 dollars on the perfect vacation.

***

#when your cousin is also your twin #according to mr smith at least #also i seem to have forgotten zeetch was a letter of the alphabet #one of life’s many mysteries #poor mr smith just wants to kick the french out of Versailles so he can live there #he just wants to live the good life #and to have his own private shuttle to the moon #cute gay couple #mr. smith #funny story #silly story #leo and ritchie #amy and susan #philip and simon #mr. smith story #kitty #original story #fictional gay couple #ritchie johnson #leonard philips #relentless mr. smith

[mr-smith-stories]

#halloween mr smith #mr smith as freddy krueger #scarier than the real freddy krueger if he’s your professor #he’d probably quit his job anyway though #he always does #mr smith halloween #mr smith meme #mr smith memes

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith if it were a musical

Tracklist

1. I’m the Genius Here

2. It’s A Greenbird Not A Robin

3. Oh No! The Gay Geniuses

4. I’m Not Mr. Smith, I’m Christopher Columbus

5. Hiding (If I Can’t See You, You Can’t See Me)

6. Professor Batman

7. The Two Types of Trees

8. Reasons Why (I’m The Genius Here) (Reprise)

9. I Bet You’re Not Smart Enough To Beat Me At Jenga

10. Holiday/ Blackmail Season (Shopifting Teddy Bears)

11. Help, I’m Stuck! (Mr. Smith Gets Stuck In A Window)

12. What Are Truths?

13. Doodling In Class (I Drew That Guy Pluto)

14. Would You Like A Rat On Your Burger?

15. How To Spell Like A True Genius (N- G- O)

16. If You Say No Homo, It’s Not Gay

#Mr Smith The Musical #Mr Smith Musical Tracklist #mr. smith #silly story #funny story #leo and ritchie #amy and susan #philip and simon

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #22: History Class

It was a beautiful, albeit cold, February morning, and Mr. Smith woke up at 4AM and rolled tiredly out of bed, because he had forgotten how to read the time on his digital alarm clock, setting it for a random time. Mr. Smith’s alarm unfortunately woke a very annoyed Simon in the other room, who began to yell at Mr. Smith, who then came in to talk to him.

“MR. SMITH!” Simon shouted. “It’s FOUR AM!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “What does AM stand for again?”

Simon sighed, exasperated. “It means it’s four in the morning!”

Mr. Smith began to count on his fingers. “So it stands for A Morning?” Mr. Smith asked.

Simon sighed. “No. Just go back to bed!”

Mr. Smith crossed his arms and sat criss cross applesauce in the middle of Simon’s room. “No! I’m staying here until it’s time to go to college.”

“Mr. Smith!” Simon yelled. “I’m tired! I want to sleep.”

“We don’t always get what we want,” Mr. Smith said. “You’re stuck with me. I want you to help with my History homework NOW, or I’ll never let you sleep again!”

Simon glared at Mr. Smith. “If you don’t leave right now, I’ll… tell your mother!”

Mr. Smith gasped. “You wouldn’t!”

Simon picked up his phone and called the number- Patricia Smith. “Hi, Mr. Smith’s mom? Mr. Smith won’t leave my room! He wants me to help him with his homework and he won’t let me sleep!”

“PETUNIA!” Mr. Smith’s mother yelled.

Mr. Smith covered his face with his hands. “Yes, Mommy?”

“You know you should be asking your FATHER’S help with your homework, not Simon! Simon’s not a TRUE genius like your father! Your father writes beautifully crafted, lengthy Wikipedia articles! Most of them are at least one paragraph long!” Patricia said. “I’ll wake your father now!”

Twenty minutes later, Mr. Smith was facetiming Harold Smith, with his one page history assignment laid out in front of him as well as his “supplies”- a protractor, a calculator, a number line, a ruler, gummy bears, and fifty pages of scrap paper he had been using to “show his work.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Mr. Smith said. “I’m sure Professor Donalds will be impressed with my mathematical interpretation of the history of our great nation.”

“I’m sure he will,” Harold beamed at his son. “I’m proud of you, Mr. Smith. You ARE a TRUE genius!”

Three hours later, Mr. Smith and his friends made it to History class at exactly 8 AM, which Mr. Smith still thought stood for A Morning. Mr. Smith had read in one of Harold’s wikipedia articles about the importance of Observation and Deduction from a fictional detective named Jason Bourne, who solved crimes with his trusty sidekick William Shakespeare in the year 1100 AD, which Mr. Smith knew from the article stood for A Damnlongtime. Mr. Smith practiced by taking note of who was in his class, but froze when he saw who sat in the front row.

Mr. Smith gasped. “YOU! My arch nemeses, the gay geniuses and co.! Oh no! Where on EARTH did you come from, you FIENDS!”

Leo sighed. “I guess the grace period is over.”

Ritchie turned to Alex. “You owe me ten bucks. I told you he’d notice eventually that we were here.”

Alex sighed. “Shit. Here you go.” He handed him the money.

Mr. Smith gasped. “WHEN did you… you… JERKS enroll in this class? I was here FIRST!”

Leo rolled his eyes. “We were here before you. We just didn’t say anything because we didn’t want you to notice and have to deal with you AGAIN.”

Mr. Smith gasped again. “YOU need to leave this class… or else!”

Ritchie snickered. “Or else what?”

Mr. Smith took out a calculator and began typing in random numbers, pausing many times as if deeply lost. After five minutes of doing this, he gasped. “I found the answer!”

Leo looked dumbfounded. “How would a calculator help you find the answer to that question?”

Mr. Smith began to gesture with his hands and mouth things. “I don’t know, I just like typing in random numbers. It’s fun to me. Anyway, the answer is… if you don’t leave, I’ll challenge you to a duel of wits.”

Gerald grinned. “I challenged Evan and Dominic to a duel of wits last night. We had to see which one of us could spit the farthest.”

Leo giggled. “That’s not a duel of wits. You’re just gross and stupid.”

Evan peered at Leo. “Gross? My Mama says that word sometimes. I still don’t know what it means, and I’m 32 goddamn years old.”

Dominic spoke up. “I ain’t sure what gross means either. If I ain’t able to find it in the puppy farm dictionary, it don’t exist.”

Amy squealed. “Oh. My. God! I can’t find words in the dictionary sometimes TOO! One time someone told me there used to be these creatures called dinosaurs on Earth, but I couldn’t find that anywhere in the dictionary because I couldn’t spell it! This is soo exciting!”

Susan gasped. “OMGG! I can’t spell either! I came in last place in a spelling bee because I couldn’t spell the word bee, even though the words ‘spelling bee’ were written all over a banner! I wasn’t sure it was the same thing, but I know it is now! So cool!”

Leo looked confused. “Why did they ask you to spell a word that was right in front of you?”

Susan shrugged. “They said they forgot it was there! I thought that was so cool, I gasped and said, ‘OMG, I forget things too!’ And then they gave me a lollipop.”

Simon began to cry. “I never got a lollipop when I was in a spelling bee last year!”

“You did,” Philip replied. “Mr. Smith just bullied you into giving it to him.”

Bob gasped. “Bullied? Bullied? Bullying is just a government conspiracy to oppress the working class and more importantly, the fundamental American right to freedom of speech! It goes against that document! What was it called again?”

Ritchie looked annoyed. “The constitution?”

Philip scratched his head. “Isn’t that a building?”

“That’s an institution,” Alex said. “Not the constitution.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Do either of those words have anything to do with tuition? I bullied Simon into paying my tuition to come here, and to dig up dirt on the professor so he’d let us in this class. Harold and Grandpappy Smith were so proud.”

“That’s not the same thing either.” Alex giggled.

Finally, Professor Donalds entered the class. “Hello, class! Did everyone do their homework?”

Mr. Smith raised his hand. “I completed my homework for the first time in my life! I’ll show you.” Mr. Smith pulled out his one page History assignment, then his fifty pages of work, all in a messy disorganized pile and slammed them down on the professor’s desk. “Do I get a reward?”

Professor Donalds looked on with a dumbfounded but horrified expression. “What’s this?”

“My answers and work shown.” Mr. Smith said smugly.

“You didn’t need to show your work.” The professor said.

“Then how do you know if my answers are correct?” Mr. Smith scratched his head.

Leo glanced at the paper. “Why are the professor’s questions handwritten?”

The professor sighed. “I gave him easier questions hoping he’d get a better grade. I was wrong.”

“WRONG?!” Mr. Smith yelled. “How are my answers WRONG?! I have fifty pages of work for all six questions!” Mr. Smith pulled out the homework page with his answers. “For question one, what is the name of the country we are living in, I put giraffe. Do you see my work, Professor Donalds?”

Professor Donalds looked at the paper. “It says 2x + 19= giraffe, and your work says 19 = x plus giraffe, minus a b and c, carry the x, divide by 2, and you get giraffe? I’m confused.”

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “What about question two? What colors are the American flag? I put pink, green and yellow, with a bear in the middle, after my ancestor Frederick Smith, who founded this country and was one with the bears until they ate him. His wife and son Sandy held a memorial in the great man’s honor, and then called Frederick’s friend, the president of the United States, who said he changed the flag. Then his son Sandy started the puppy farm in his father’s honor to teach the truth about the world to genius children.”

Professor Donalds looked confused. “I still don’t understand your work. It says 2 plus 2 is 89, divided by the puppy farm equals bears on a flag. I think you need help, Mr. Smith.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I don’t need help, I finished my homework! You jerk!”

Professor Donalds read the next question. “For question three, do you have any pets, it says Titanic and the work shown has a drawing of a banana. Why a banana?“

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “A banana? I don’t know what that is.”

Professor Donalds sighed. “Question four asked what is your favorite color? You put Simon’s face when he’s angry, with a picture of Simon yelling at you for waking him up at 4 AM.”

Mr. Smith smiled. “It was pretty funny.”

Professor Donalds read the next question. “For question five, what is your middle name, you wrote ‘Idk.’”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “No one ever calls me by my middle name, so I forgot what it is.”

Philip spoke up. “It’s Will Wilford. You have two middle names.”

Leo giggled. “Will Wilford? Your parents must hate you.”

Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the desk. “Shut up, devil spawn! Will Wilford is better than LEO- NARD! You sound like a SQUARE and a NERD!”

Professor Donalds glared at Mr. Smith. “Please pay attention. For question six, spell your last name, you wrote ‘Yes’ with a squiggle like you were trying to write that goes off the page.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Oh no! I must have forgotten what I was doing! I thought I wrote it down! Uh oh!”

Professor Donalds lowered the paper. “Mr. Smith, I don’t think you understand the gravity of this situation.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “Yes I do! Do not insult my infinity level IQ, devil spawn!”

Professor Donalds sighed. “You were already failing this class with a 2 on the first test and a negative 40 on the midterm. This was an extra credit homework assignment. It was worth 99% of your overall grade. You scored a zero. You now have no chance to pass this class. I really hoped these questions would be easy enough for you to get a 100 on the assignment and boost your grade. I feel I’ve failed as your professor.”

Mr. Smith smiled. “I know you WON’T fail me. You CAN’T. I worked HARD on this assignment! Harold helped me use Puppyfarmsearch.com to find all the answers! I needed him to tell me what letters to type in to look up my answer! When I see a lot of options it’s confusing.”

Leo looked horrified. “The puppy farm has its own search engine now? That’s absolutely terrifying.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Grandpappy Smith created it. Harold and I both tried but it was too confusing to read all those big words on how to set it up. Grandpappy Smith even did some of it by himself! But he still got confused and had to blackmail his best friend into making it for him. He really shouldn’t have stolen that sheep from his neighbor’s farm.”

Ritchie chuckled, and Leo and Alex giggled. “Where does it even search from?” Ritchie asked. “All your information is always wrong.”

Mr. Smith waved his hands animatedly through the air as he spoke. “Why, the puppy farm database of course! It has thousands of articles written by a secret faction of the government that funds the puppy farm in Massachusetts and all the other puppy farms around the nation! Without a search engine to go on, teachers at the puppy farm might forget what to teach their students in class each day, and then the students would be under educated idiots! A danger to society!” Mr. Smith explained.

Leo, Ritchie and Alex’s eyes were the size of saucers. “You already ARE a danger to society! Just how many puppy farms are there?!” Leo demanded.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “According to my father’s government worker friend, there are hundreds in the United States alone.”

“Alone?!” Ritchie exclaimed. “You mean there are more all over the world?!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “There are thousands of puppy farms. They all teach freedom of information and unique forms of literacy and education! Without the puppy farms, the world as we know it would not function! It’s how I get away with all my crimes. That’s how I know I’ll pass. The puppy farm has influence. They’ll just blackmail this professor into passing me. Right, Professor Donalds?” The professor looked uncertain. “Answer wrong and I’ll tell the dean about that treadmill you shoplifted last night so you could stay in shape, or the time you let those chickens loose on campus when you were drunk.”

Professor Donalds’ eyes widened. “Fine. You’ll pass with an A.”

Leo huffed and Ritchie looked irritatated. “Mr. Smith doesn’t belong in this class!” Leo insisted. “This isn’t fair!”

“I can fix this,” Alex said. He pulled out a bag of potato chips. “Here, professor. Fail Mr. Smith and these are yours.”

Professor Donalds’ eyes widened. “I’d lose my job!”

Alex shrugged. “But if you don’t help us, you won’t get these delicious potato chips.”

Professor Donalds shrugged. “I don’t like this job anyway. Mr. Smith, you are officially failing my class.”

Mr. Smith turned beet red. The three (actually) intelligent boys snickered. “Here comes the temper tantrum.” Leo giggled.

Mr. Smith’s whole face went blank, a calm seeming to pass over him. “Not this time. Today… I will leave this class with dignity and respect.” He turned to his friends. “Come on, guys. Let’s allow Leo and Ritchie to enjoy their class without us disrupting it.”

Mr. Smith walked out solemnly, followed by his friends. Leo, Ritchie and Alex looked on with disbelief. “I guess he’s finally maturing,” Leo said, blinking in shock.

“Yeah, I guess so,” Ritchie replied.

“I don’t know about that,” Alex said. “Look outside.”

They looked out the window- the class was on the first floor, so they could see Mr. Smith on the field outside the class, making quite the spectacle. Outside, Mr. Smith grabbed a girl’s backpack, dumping the contents all over the floor and stepping on her notebook for good measure. Then he found two boys playing football, and he grabbed their football and threw it at Simon. “Take that!” He yelled. Then he yelled, “You want football? I’ll show you football, you assholes!” Then he picked Simon up and threw him at one of the boys, who ran out of the way. “Damn!” Mr. Smith yelled. Then he ran over to one of the class’s windows where a man was now spraying a hose, and grabbed the hose, chasing people on the field outside with the hose and spraying them with water. “Take that!” At some point while he was doing this, he tried running back to the window, but slipped in a puddle. “Oh no!” He yelled. He tried to get up by grabbing the wet window, but kept losing hid grip and sliding back into the puddle. “Help!” He yelled.

Finally, Philip came over and offered Mr. Smith a hand, which Mr. Smith accepted. However, Mr. Smith didn’t anticipate his own strength, pulling Philip into the puddle with him. “Shit!” Philip swore. They spent the next five minutes trying to figure out how to get out, until finally Susan and Amy carefully helper them out.

Mr. Smith turned to the shocked class and addressed them. “YOU!” He yelled. “This is all YOUR FAULT! If you had just let me PASS, none of this would have happened! Screw all of you! YOU are NOT geniuses! NONE of you! Not geniuses at all, I tell you!”

Then Mr. Smith and his friends left the college and went home, snorting coke from a straw in Mr. Smith’s living room.

Fin.

***

#mr smith #that awkward moment when you don’t notice your worst enemies are in your class #for a month too #that one friend that wakes you up at 4 AM to help him with his homework #cute gay couple #leo and ritchie #original story #silly stories #funny story #simon and mr smith #alex #amy and susan #fiction #gerald evan and dominic #mr smith has trouble with his homework

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #21: Officer Smith

Mr. Smith woke up early that Monday morning. Today was his and his friends’ first day as police officers, a job that gave Mr. Smith renewed hope after getting fired (again) from being a professor. Harold had told Mr. Smith to stop smoking crack on the couch all day and get a job, so Mr. Smith decided to achieve his dream of becoming a police officer.

Mr. Smith piled in the squad car with Gerald, Evan, and Dominic, his three best friends from the puppy farm middle school equivalency program that had recently moved back into town. They ended up being three hours late to the precinct, because they got lost trying to leave Mr. Smith’s neighborhood.

They were at the end of Mr. Smith’s street. “Which way do we go again?” Mr. Smith asked. “Right or left?”

“Right, I think,” Gerald said.

“We went right last time,” Evan replied. “I think we should go backwards.”

“Go straight,” Dominic chimed in.

“We already went straight, Dom,” Gerald replied. “It took us in a circle.”

“I thought something different might happen this time.” Dom scratched his head.

“I think we should call Susan,” Gerald said. He dialed Susan’s phone number and explained the situation.

“Oh my GOD, I get lost TOO!” Susan squealed. “One time, I got lost in the mall even though I was standing in the exit! I didn’t know which way to go and ended up back inside! Directions are confusing.”

On the other end Amy squealed. “Something like that happened to me once! I got lost on the way home from working at McDonald’s! I accidentally went though the drive through instead of pulling onto the road! Directions ARE confusing!”

“Please stop getting distracted, we need your help because we’re completely lost,” Mr. Smith said.

“People get distracted when I talk to them too! One time I was trying to ask my Math teacher if aliens were real, and she told me she had to teach a class! I really wanted to know, it was so annoying!” Amy said.

“Since the girls are going to be of no help, I’ll help you,” Philip said on the other end of the line. “You make a left, then a right, then go straight.”

“We already went right AND straight!” Mr. Smith groaned.

“You have to go left FIRST, THEN right, THEN straight.”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “I might need to get out my calculator and number line for this.”

Philip sighed. “Just keep me on the phone, and do exactly what I say when I say it.”

An hour later, Mr. Smith finally got to work, now four hours late because he kept misinterpretting Philip’s directions, and because he kept forgetting green light meant go, and held up traffic while everyone behind him honked their horns. Mr. Smith checked in with the police captain, who was about to yell at Mr. Smith until he offered him some onion rings and grape soda. Then Mr. Smith and his crew all headed out to traffic duty.

While they were sitting, Mr. Smith noticed a familiar car driving by- Leo and Ritchie. “Guys!” Mr. Smith yelled. “This is great! We have the power now! We can pull them over for speeding!”

“But they’re going the speed limit,” Gerald said. “Unless… you think we should lie.”

Mr. Smith smiled. “That’s exactly what I’m suggesting.”

Five minutes later, Leo and Ritchie pulled over, and Mr. Smith approached the car with his hat covering his face. “Heh- lo. My name is Officer Smith, but not Mr. Smith because as I’m sure you know, Smith is a common name. I’m actually best friends with Mr. Smith, and people mix us up all the time because our voices are similar, but I promise we are two different people.”

“Oh my God,” Leo, who had been driving the car, sighed. “Not you again.”

“Again? I’m Officer Smith, we’ve never met.”

Alex huffed in the backseat. “What’s your problem, man? Running into you in classes was funny and all, but now you’re interrupting our day because of your petty jealousy. We weren’t even doing anything wrong!”

Mr. Smith gasped. “Are you RESISTING ARREST?! You’re going to have to come down to the station with me, that’s a serious crime!”

“What?!” Ritchie exclaimed. “How is that resisting arrest?! You can’t arrest us just because we’re smarter than you!”

Mr. Smith stamped his foot. “Now, you listen here, devil spawn! I’M the genius here, and I have the power here! I’m arresting you for being MEAN!”

Twenty minutes later, they were back at the precinct, where Mr. Smith brought the three boys into a room for questioning. “What are we doing here?” Asked Leo.

“I’m trying to get a confession out of you,” Mr. Smith said. “Now, is it true, on this say of January 16, 2023, that you, Leonard Philips, BULLIED an officer?!”

“You can’t arrest me for being a bully! All Ritchie did was say he was smarter than you!” Leo huffed.

“Yes, and it HURT my FEELINGS deeply! A federal crime! I’ll have you locked up for twenty years for this! You know my Dad can just bribe Judge Johnson with ice cream!”

“That’s NOT a crime!” Ritchie yelled.

“Shut up, devil spawn! I’M the police officer here! Now, I have a question for you,”

“Yes?”

“What is my favorite season of the year?” Mr. Smith asked in a smug voice.

“Summer?” Ritchie asked with a smirk.

“NO! NOT AGAIN! You can’t be smarter than me!”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Just continue your questions.”

“Did you… lie and say you’re smarter than one Mr. Smith, the smartest person to ever live?!”

“Yes,” Ritchie smirked.

“Did you… argue with a police officer? A heinous crime.”

“Yes.” Ritchie smirked again.

“Then I have no choice but to bring in the police captain,” Mr. Smith said.

Five minutes later, the police captain came in, sucking on a popsicle. “Alright,” He said. “Sadly, we’re going to have to lock you young gentlemen up.”

Ritchie took one look at the captain and smirked. “You know, I have two bags of potato chips and soda in my car, as well as some cheesecake.”

The captain perked up. “Cheesecake?!”

Ritchie nodded. “It’s all yours if you let us go.”

“Ok,” Said the captain.

“WHAT?!” Mr. Smith yelled. “THAT’S NOT FAIR!”

“Sorry, Officer Smith,” Said the captain. “Just following the rules.”

“More like a bribe,” Leo snickered.

“Then I QUIT!” Mr. Smith yelled. He ran out of the room crying. He grabbed a computer monitor from a colleague and chucked it in the trash. Then he grabbed a stack of files and dumped them all over the floor. “Now you’ll have to clean up this mess, just like I have to clean up the mess of my life!” Then he knocked over several empty chairs. “Take that!” Finally he ran to the exit, but forgot how to open the door and just stood there blankly until Philip opened it, and the whole crew left to play laser tag.

Fin.

***

#that awkward moment when you forget howbto leave your own neighborhood #quitting your job because you were outsmarted by a genius in the stupidest way #cute gay couple #silly story #funny story #leo and ritchie #fiction #fictional gay couple #original story #philip and simon #amy and susan #mr. smith

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #20: The Ornithology Professor

Leonard Philips and his boyfriend, accompanied by their friend Alex, strode across campus with confidence, grace, and an enormous amount of relief, like a giant weight had been lifted off their shoulders. The second half of the semester after seeing Mr. Smith at the aquarium had been wonderful, perfect almost. They had gone months without having to deal with the likes of Mr. Smith and the crew of idiots, and today was the final day in the semester- and the due date for their Ornithology Final Project, a powerpoint on all the birds they had seen at the reserve during their two week long study.

Alex held the door open for his two friends, and followed the couple inside. They took their seats as students began to filter in, but the professor still wasn’t there. Leo and his friends waited ten, then twenty, then thirty minutes and there was still no sign of the professor. Leo was beginning to feel anxious. He had worked hard on this presentation, on this study, and so had Ritchie and Alex! And now the professor was thirty minutes late? What was going on?

Just then the door swung open, and in came Mr. Smith, his father Harold, Mr. Smith’s friends and four new people, three men in their thirties and an elderly man Leo didn’t recognize. “Sorry we’re late! We took a pit stop at the mall and got ice cream this morning, and hung out there until Grandpappy Smith reminded me I had a class to teach!” Mr. Smith boomed.

Leo swore. Ritchie huffed in annoyance, and Alex looked terrified. Mr. Smith was their professor! Again! Hadn’t he learned his lesson from last time when Leo had gotten the whole Child Psych class to walk out? Leo couldn’t do that again. Today was his final grade! His career at the school depended on this assignment!

Mr. Smith peered at his students. “Hello, class. My name is Batman, and I will be your interim professor because your regular professor is gravely ill, and as the superhero I am, I took over. You all have me to thank for saving you. Now, would anyone like to play a game of Jenga?”

Leo cleared his throat. “We’re not here to play Jenga. My friends and I are supposed to be presenting our powerpoint presentation today, Mr. Smith.”

Mr. Smith looked around the room nervously. “Who’s Mr. Smith? I’m Batman, but my secret identity is Clark Kent. I even brought my costume.” Mr. Smith opened his jacket to reveal a red suit with a yellow lightning bolt that resembled the Flash’s suit, and produced a Bat mask from his pocket, then took off his jacket revealing a red cape. “See? I’m Batman!”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Did Harold send you some of his wikipedia articles again?”

Mr. Smith gasped. “How did you know about that?! I don’t want anyone to know I’m Mr. Smith! Now I look stupid!”

“You’ve met us before. We’re Leonard Philips, Richard Johnson, and Alex Mitchell. We’ve run into you many times.” Leo explained.

Mr. Smith scratched his head for several minutes, then began to gesture with his hands and mouth things. “I’ve never met you before. I think I’d remember a bunch of stuck up snobs! Right, Philip?”

Philip peered at the three boys suspiciously. “I’ve never seen them before in my life. I know for sure I’d remember them. Their haircuts aren’t as cool as mine. I look sexy. Ladies love when your hair sticks up in different directions. It looks cool and slick.”

Simon began to cry. “You’re all really scary! Mom says not to talk to strangers! Stranger danger, that’s what she says!”

Amy gasped. “I cry sometimes too! When I was in high school, I got trapped inside my car in the high school parking lot because I forgot how to unlock the doors. I was stuck there the entire school day! No one even noticed I was gone! It was really stressful.”

Susan squealed. “Something like that happened to me too! I was driving once and I thought my car broke down because it wasn’t moving, but it turned out I just forgot I had parked it. The cops were really mad that I called 9-1-1.”

Bob and Frankie both gasped. “They were angry you called 9-1-1?! What a cruel thing to do to the hard working teenager trying to live the American Dream! They were called upon by God to save a poor, scared, helpless girl who just needed some help, some compassion and reassurance! Oh, what a hard life for the working class!” Bob began to sob.

Frankie began to sob as well. “Ever since I was a child, my life has been trial after trial! I have faced things that would make the strongest of Americans cry! I was bullied for believing in the American dream! Yes, bullied! I tried to steal a sandwich from my friend, and I was villified! Villified! They made me give it back! Oh, how cruel this world is to people like me, people with $26 per hour jobs!”

Gerry, Mr. Smith’s best friend from the puppy farm middle school equivalency program, chimed in. “I don’t care about the American dream! I’m a hard worker! All I do is chew on straw and watch Netflix in my overalls on Mr. Smith’s couch all day! Do you know how hard it is to chew straw and watch TV at the same time?”

“It’s really not that difficult,” Leo rolled his eyes. “Can we please just give our presentation? We’ve been waiting forty minutes! It’s really important for our Final Grade!”

“Whatever, snobs. Give your stupid presentation, you intellectual jerks! Just remember, I’M the genius here, and what I say, goes.”

“Oh, I remember.” Leo huffed.

Mr. Smith smiled. “Good! Start your presentation.”

Several minutes later, the trio began their presentation. “Our first slide,” Leo began. “Is a common bird, the Redwing Blackbird. Redwing Blackbirds frequented the reserve, feeding at our bird feeders many times.”

Mr. Smith stood up. “That is not a common bird. I have never before seen a “blackbird” or whatever you want to call it in my life. You must have used the wrong source. I think that you found that on Mythology.com.”

Leo sighed. “I guess we’ll move on to the next slide.”

Ritchie clicked a button. “This is a Gray Catbird. We first heard its call-“

“Excuse me,” Kitty interrupted.

Ritchie sighed. “Yes?”

“That is not a cat. I would know, I AM a kitty cat.”

“For the last time, you’re not a cat!” Alex snapped.

“It’s a cat- BIRD,” Leo contended.

Mr. Smith scratched his chin as if deep in thought. “Are you saying… that a cat and a bird had a baby, a CAT- BIRD, and you found it? This is incredible! You’ve discovered a new species!”

Leo huffed. “Let’s move on. This next bird is a Bald Eagle, which we were fortunate enough to see making a nest on the reserve-“

Mr. Smith raised his hand several times. “Ooh! Pick me! I have something to say!”

Ritchie gritted his teeth. “What?”

“What is an Eagle and why is it bald? Does it have a hair loss problem?”

The elderly man chimed in. “I think I can be of use here. I myself am a well respected ornithologist.”

Leo sighed. “Oh, thank God.”

“My name is Edward Smith, but call me Grandpappy Smith because that’s what Mr. Smith calls me, and I intend to change my name to ensure that everyone else does too.”

Leo raised an eyebrow.

“That species of bird is not only rare, but high on the endangered list at the puppy farm- a pterodactyl, commonly believed to be extinct! Fortunately I know better! My father wrote the Encyclopedia on birds, a book that is still used to teach students about ornithology at the puppy farm!”

Leo huffed. “That’s not a ptetodactyl! A pterodactyl is a dinosaur! And it is extinct!”

Gradpappy Smith scratched his head. “A dinosaur? I don’t know what that is. Pterodactyls fly, so they must be birds.”

Ritchie rolled his eyes and mumbled under his breath, a little too loud, “If only our REAL professor was here!”

“What was that?” Harold Smith asked. “Mr. Smith is a hero for teaching this class! Your professor is terribly ill! He wanted desperately to be here, but he had to make sure no one else caught his infection!”

“Oh yeah?” Ritchie challenged. “What illness does he have?”

Harold Smith closed his eyes and tapped his fingers for several minutes. Then he opened his eyes and began to gesture and mouth things, pointing to places in space. “He has Mr. Smith’s Syndrome! I discovered the illness myself, and named it after my dear child! It manifests itself when certain individuals approach Mr. Smith! They mysteriously die! Those bodies in the cellar are the afflicted! We had to put them somewhere, or the illness could spread like the Plague!”

Ritchie looked Harold directly in the eye. “More dead bodies? How do you keep getting away with this? You killed the professor!”

Harold took out of his pocket a number line, unfolded it and began to count random numbers, jumping all over it to random spots. “6… 5… 10… 4… 3… 8. I didn’t kill the professor! No, he’s very much alive. I threatened to tell the dean about how he stole a tractor on dare from a friend. He had to let Mr. Smith take over.”

Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the desk. “Continue, snobs!”

Alex sighed. “Next we have an American Robin-“

Mr. Smith gasped. “THAT is a GREENBIRD! I don’t even know what a Robin is! Unless you mean my trusty sidekick!”

“You’re NOT Batman!” Ritchie snapped. “This is ridiculous! You’re ruining our presentation!”

Mr. Smith gasped. “Wait a minute! I know you! You’re the gay geniuses! And that other meanie! Oh no! What do I do?”

“I don’t care what you do, I’M walking out! Come on, Leo and Alex!” Ritchie snapped. One by one students began to get up and leave, except Mr. Smith’s friends.

Mr. Smith was furious. The gay geniuses had ruined his day, yet again! He ran over to a desk and pushed it over. Then he approached a student who had not left yet and poured their water bottle all over their notebook. “You won’t be using this again!” Grandpappy Smith and Harold Smith joined in, opening the drawers and throwing books and files in the professor’s desk in the garbage. Mr. Smith joined them, throwing the garbage can out the window for good measure.

“There’s one thing left to do to get back at this professor!” Mr. Smith yelled. He climbed on top of a chair by the projector, then jumped and grabbed the projector, holding on as he tried to rip it out of the wall. He couldn’t, however, and was dangling in the air for several minutes until he realized he needed to get down. He tried to get footing on the desk, but accidentally knocked it over. “Help! I’m stuck! Someone help!”

Mr. Smith finally let go of the projector, landing on his back. He laid there for several minutes. He had forgotten how to get up or turn over, so he just lie on his back until eventually Philip helped him up.

“Come on,” Philip said. “Let’s go on a platonic romantic date at the movies.”

Mr. Smith gazed into Philip’s eyes. “Ok. Can we platonically hold hands too?”

Philip smiled. “Sure,” Then they left the campus holding hands.

Fin.

***

#cute gay couple #mr. smith #silly story #leo and ritchie #funny story #fiction #fictional gay couple #original story #philip and simon #grandpappy smith be like #pterodactyls are birds prove me wrong #that awkward moment when you haven’t seen your nemeses in months so you forget they exist #until halfway into class when it all comes back #that momet of horror when you have a final project due and mr. smith is interim professor

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #19: The Aquarium

Mr. Smith woke up angry Sunday morning, angry that his 31st pizza party had been an absolute disaster- he hadn’t proven once and for all that HE was in fact the genius, not Leo and Ritchie, and they had made him look STUPID, again! Mr. Smith spent all morning moping around the house, pouting and rubbing tears springing to his eyes as he thought about all the ways Leo and Ritchie were bullying him by being smarter.

In the kitchen, Mr. Smith’s thirtieth crying spot, Mr. Smith found Philip, Simon and Jamie playing War, a card game that confused Mr. Smith due to the fact that it was too comolicated for him to wrap his head around. He had played against Philip, who claimed to have won the second round because Mr. Smith had an 8 but Philip had a 10, but Mr. Smith was pretty sure 8 was a higher number than 10.

“Oh, woe is me! I still can’t prove to Leo and Ritchie that I’M the TRUE genius! Oh, waa-aah!”Mr. Smith sobbed. He grabbed Simon’s bowl of cereal and dumped it down the drain. “Take that!” Simon began to sob. “Now you know how it feels!” Mr. Smith then picked up Philip’s history notebook from college and chucked it in the garbage. “Now you’ll fail your stupid class!”

Philip glared at Mr. Smith. “What’s wrong?”

“Leo and Ritchie RUINED MY birthday party! It’s not like I get to be 31 every year! I won’t be 31 again for another five years!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the counter.

“Why don’t you let me make it up to you?” Philip asked.

“Philip and I were planning on going on a date at the aquarium today. Would you like to join us?” Jamie asked.

“I thought we were platonically exclusive!” Mr. Smith grumbled.

“I realized that might make me look gay,” Philip explained. “I’ve gotta make sure the ladies know I’m straight, so I’m dating the prettiest lady I know.”

Jamie sighed and blushed. “Thanks, baby!”

Mr. Smith stuck his finger in the back of his throat and made gagging noises. “Public displays of affection! Romance should not be seen OR heard!”

“We’re not in public,” Philip said. “And you’re not jealous, are you? This is a friend marriage, we’re not in love, no matter how much it feels like we are.”

“I know!” Mr. Smith yelled. “I’m straight! Being attracted to men sometimes makes you straight, right?”

Amy sauntered in the room. “That would make you bisexual.”

“Oh, then I only like women. I was just testing all of you!” Mr. Smith held up his hands. “I swear I’m straight! Not a hint of gay in me! Nope, I’m totally straight!”

“Ok, good,” Philip said. “Anyway, you’re more than welcome to join us on our date at the aquarium.”

Mr. Smith pouted. “O-kay. I guess I’ll go.”

Twenty minutes later, Jamie, Philip and Mr. Smith got in the car. “Can I drive?” Mr. Smith asked.

“You’re not smart enough to drive,” Jamie said. “I’M a TRUE intellectual. It should be up to me to take care of things. I even tied my own shoelaces today.”

Philip gasped. “So did I! We’re a POWER COUPLE!”

Mr. Smith sighed. “I thought we were a platonic power couple.”

“No, our platonic marriage means nothing compared to what Jamie and I have.”

Mr. Smith scowled. “Fine! Maybe we’ll get a platonic divorce then!”

Philip sighed. “I guess it means a little more than I said.”

Mr. Smith smiled. “Really?”

Philip grasped Mr. Smith’s hand. “Really.”

Jamie glared at them. “Philip, you’re supposed to hold my hand! We’re on a date! Stop holding your platonic husband’s hand!”

“I love you, Jamie,” Philip patted Jamie’s hand.

Jamie sighed. “I love you too.”

They drove for about thirty minutes, while Mr. Smith kept pointing out Greenbirds and the occasional Phoenix on the side of the road, Jamie nodding in fascination. Finally, they arrived at their destination, Mr. Smith’s new favorite place after the catastrophe at the zoo- the aquarium.

Mr. Smith ran around the aquarium excitedly. He looked for birds, but was surprised that the only birds present were penguins. He was sure there were many birds that lived in the deep blue sea. Birds had gills, right?

Mr. Smith finally gave in and hurried over to the shark tank. When he saw who was there he gasped. “YOU! OH NO! Not AGAIN!”

Leo, Ritchie and Alex sighed. “Seriously? Mr. Smith? Again?” Ritchie groaned.

“Shut up, devil spawn! I’M the genius here, and don’t you forget it!”

“Like how you forget how to open doors?” Ritchie chuckled. Leo and Alex laughed.

“Don’t disrespect me, gay genius! I’M more of a genius than YOU!”

Jamie waltzed over. “Actually, I’m the smartest person here, and probably in the whole universe.”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Is that way your hair is sticking up in random places, just like Philip?”

Jamie glared at him. “I spoke my first words at 1 year old.”

“I was four months old,” Leo replied.

“I had an A plus in gym class! But I failed health.”

“I had As in every class in high school AND college, and I graduated high school at fourteen!”

“Well!” Jamie stuttered. “I’M smarter than Mr. Smith!”

“That’s not saying much,” Alex snickered.

“HEY! YOU SHUT UP, DEVIL SPAWN! I may not have been able to live among the bears, but I can do the next best thing! The SHARKS!” Mr. Smith stamped his foot.

“The sharks are even more dangerous than the bears!” Ritchie argued. “Don���t do this AGAIN!”

“I will do this again, DEVIL SPAWN!” Mr. Smith yelled. “SHARKS are my people, not bears. Sharks would accept me as their own kin! Sharks would have more compassion for me than YOU!”

“Sharks only attack people when they think they’re fish,” Jamie said. “Mr. Smith is too fat to be mistaken for a fish.”

Mr. Smith laughed cockily. “See? I am safe!”

“The sharks could kill you!” Leo argued.

“Sharks will take care of me! They’ll hunt seafood for me to eat, and protect me from outside threats in the real world! Sharks will show mercy on my soul!”

“They’re dangerous!” Leo’s eyes were wide.

“YOU’RE more dangerous than THEM! You’re a BULLY! You make people feel insecure and frightened of themselves by being smarter than them! The sharks would never bully me or cause me fear!” Mr. Smith ran away. Five minutes later, Leo, Ritchie and Alex saw Mr. Smith, in full scuba gear, in the tank with the sharks, waving at them and then flipping them the middle finger. The sharks began to swim aggressively towards Mr. Smith, who panickedly blew bubbles and swam away. The people at the aquarium finally noticed he was there, and they fished him out.

Twenty minutes later, a soaking wet Mr. Smith pointed a finger at the trio. “YOU! This is all your fault!” Mr. Smith grabbed a pamphlet from a nearby person and dumped it in a small fish tank. “You won’t be using this again!” He yelled. Then he grabbed a watch off someone’s wrist and dropped it on the floor, smashing it with his foot. “That’s 300 dollars down the drain!” Finally, he splashed some water from the touch tank at Jamie. “Take that!” Security guards arrived and escorted him and his friends out, while they yelled swears at Leo and Ritchie.

***

#mr. smith tries to prove his intelligence #cute gay couple #silly story #funny story #leo and ritchie #amy and susan #fictional gay couple #mr. smith #original story #philip and simon #fiction #going into the shark tank to prove you’re the genius here #that awkward moment when your platonic husband gets a gf but you thought you were platonically exclusive #leo ritchie and alex just want a fun day at the aquarium #but of course mr. smith ruins it again

[mr-smith-stories]

Mr. Smith #18: Chuck E Cheese

It was a beautiful day that was surprisingly warm for autumn, which thrilled Mr. Smith. Today was October 3rd, 2022, and it was Mr. Smith’s 31st birthday. Philip had suggested they go to the beach and snort glue to celebrate, but Mr. Smith wanted to celebrate his birthday in style- he had already booked a pizza party at Chuck E. Cheese.

Mr. Smith had invited all of his friends, and they took two cars. They were all wearing birthday hats that Mr. Smith thought were really cool, with the number 3 for 31 on it because Mr. Smith surprisingly couldn’t find a birthday hat with the number 31 on it.

Inside Chuck E Cheese, Mr. Smith was ready to have a blast. He climbed through the tubes in the playground area, then yelled “Whee!” as he went down the slide. “I’m going to go again!” Mr. Smith yelled excitedly, running back into the playground and going down the slide again. He spent twenty minutes going down the slide with Simon and Philip, and then they all dove into the ball pit, with balls flying everywhere.

“Hey!” Yelled a tall employee who looked twenty. “You can’t do that!”

“Yes we can!” Philip yelled. “We just did!”

“If you keep disrupting Chuck E Cheese, you’ll be forced to leave,”

Amy and Susan came down the slide and ambled over. “This reminds me of the time I got kicked out of Chuck E Cheese for trying to secretly snort coke at my twelve year old sister’s birthday party! I got arrested because I got caught! Apparently covering my face with my hand wasn’t subtle enough! It was so annoying!” Amy said.

“Something like that happened to me too! I got kicked out of Great Adventure once before we worked there for trying to ride on top of the Skyline instead of inside it! It was a-nnoying!” Susan squealed. They high fived each other.

“They kicked you out?” Asked Bob, who was walking over with Frankie from the arcade games. “What a cruel thing to do to a hard working American citizen! You paid money to get in there! They ripped your rights away by refusing to let you ride on top of the skyline! Oh, all you wanted was a fun day at the amusement park for all your hard work and dedication! Oh, this cruel world has destroyed the life of yet another innocent, young girl!”

“It was really unfair!” Susan agreed.

“Oh, we live in such an unfair world for the subworking class! Oh, woe is the working class! To be denied access to rides just because you want to ride them in a way that goes against the norm! How cruel to be denied basic human liberty for going against the norm, for daring to be yourself! Woe is Susan!” Frankie began to sob.

“Don’t forget how cruel the world is to Kitty Cats! Liberals complain about LGBTQ represebtation in films, but I for one never see any cats in most of the films I watch! Cats are not even treated as equals in this inhumane society!” Kitty complained. “There must be many starving Kitty Cat actors in Hollywood! It’s the definition of unjust!”

Harold Smith approached the group. “Petunia, it’s time for your pizza, presents, and to blow out the candles!”

“Ok, Dad!” Mr. Smith and his friends went to their reserved table. The servers had their backs turned, and when the the three boys turned around Mr. Smith gasped. “YOU! The GAY GENIUSES! Here to RUIN my BIRTHDAY! Oh no! What do I do?”

Leo sighed. “Welcome to Chuck E. Cheese. Your pizza is going to be ready within the next five minutes.”

Mr. Smith’s jaw dropped open. “FIVE MINUTES? I want my pizza NOW!” He stamped his foot.

“It’ll be ready very soon,” Leo said.

“How soon is soon? Will I have to wait here FOREVER? This is horrible service! I’m going to complain to your manager!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the table.

“I’ll go check in the kitchen,” Alex said helpfully, hurrying away.

“You’d better have my pizza by the time you get back here, or else!” Mr. Smith shouted at Alex. Mr. Smith turned to Ritchie. “So you both work here? And you’re serving me? Ha! Who has the power now?”

Ritchie gritted his teeth. “Is there anything else you guys want?”

“Ye-es.” Mr. Smith said.

“What do you want?” Ritchie asked, trying not to seem annoyed.

“I want you to say that I’M the genius here,”

“Are you serious?” Ritchie asked.

“Yes, devil spawn! SAY IT!”

Ritchie replied, “Ok. I’m the genius here.”

Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the table. “No, then say YOU’RE the genius here!”

Ritchie smirked. “Ok, I’m the genius here.”

Mr. Smith growled. “Ritchie, leave him be. We don’t want to antagonize him.” Leo said.

Mr. Smith began to gesture with his hands and mouth things. “Does antagonize have something to do with antennae?”

“No, antagonize is a colony of ants,” Philip explained.

“That’s not what antagonize means-“ Ritchie began. Leo shushed him.

At that moment, Alex came back with two boxes of pizza. “The pizza’s here!” He feigned enthusiasm.

Simon suddenly burst into tears. “Why are you crying?” Leo asked.

“I’m just really excited to eat such delicious pizza, and so grateful to be here with my friends for Mr. Smith’s birthday!” Simon sobbed. “I’m going to go cry in the bathroom if I can find it, this place is a maze! I think the bathroom was all the way on the other side of this giant room, I might get lost on the way there! Walking a straight line is confusing sometimes!” Simon wiped away a tear from his eye and hurried away.

Alex places the pizzas on the table, and Mr. Smith grabbed one of them, then began to devour them all one by one. “That pizza is supposed to be for everyone!” Alex protested.

“Shut up, devil spawn! It’s my special day, everyone else here can starve for all I care!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“What about me?” Asked Philip.

Mr. Smith slid the second pizza box to Philip. “You eat that one. If I eat all this pizza, I might throw up, like I did at Philip’s birthday party last year when I ate three bowls of potato chips and two containers of Cookies and Cream ice cream!”

“Did you expect not to throw up after eating all of that?” Asked Ritchie. Leo stepped on his foot.

“It was very confusing to me. Cause ans effect boggles my mind. I can never understabd how one event leads to another.” Mr. Smith scratched his head, bewildered.

Within five minutes, Mr. Smith and Philip had finished all of the pizza. “Time for my cake!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the table. “Light the candles NOW!”

“O-kay,” Leo said, taking a lighter to the candles.

“Now I want you to sing, “Happy birthday,” but instead of Mr. Smith, sing “level infinity IQ,””

Reluctantly, the three boys did as Mr. Smith asked, and then Mr. Smith blew out all four candles on the cake, which were all they had because no one in Mr. Smith’s family could count to 31.

“Yay!” Mr. Smith clapped his hands. “This was the best birthday ever! Now I want to talk to your manager.”

“Why?” Asked Ritchie. “You just said it was the best birthday ever.”

“I’m going to tell him that you RUINED MY BIRTHDAY, all because you hate me!” Mr. Smith yelled, stamping his foot. “Manager! Help! I need the manager!”

The manager came over. “What seems to be the problem here?” He asked.

“These two chumps ruined Mr. Smith’s birthday! They bullied and humiliated him by acting all smart and better than him!” Philip protested.

“They refused to light my candles or sing happy birthday! Oh, and they ate all the pizza in five minutes and blamed it on me!” Mr. Smith yelled. “I want them FIRED! Just don’t look at the camera feed for proof, I saw Ritchie switch it out with footage he edited five minutes ago!” Mr. Smith protested.

“We didn’t do any of that! He’s lying to get us fired!” Ritchie argued desperately.

“I’m going to check something, I’ll be right back,” The manager said.

Five minutes later, he returned. “It appears you have lied, Mr. Smith. I’m going to have to ask you to leave.”

Simon finally returned. “I finally found the bathroom! In only twenty minutes, a new record for me! I feel much better now!”

“You can’t kick us out!” Mr. Smith yelled. “It’s my BIRTHDAY, you bitch!”

“I can, this is my establishment.” The manger contended.

Mr. Smith took a half eaten slice of pizza and smushed it against Simon’s face, who began to cry. Then Mr. Smith’s face lit up with realization. “This is my last chance to have a fun birthday!” He grabbed an empty pizza box, and then rubbed the bottom on top of the cake. Then he ran to the slide and yelled, ���I’ve made my own slip and slide! You won’t ruin my birthday!” He laid on top of the pizza box and went headfirst down the slide, but then got stuck halfway through the tube slide. “Help! I’m stuck!” He yelled.

The manager called the fire department, who had to take the slide apart just to get Mr. Smith out. Humiliated and enraged, Mr. Smith rubbed his hand against the icing on the bottom of the pizza box and then rubbed it on one of the firefighter’s faces. “Take that!” He yelled. Then he ran away, followed by his friends, yelling, “Time for my dramatic exit!” But he forgot how to open the door until Philip remembered how, and then the whole group fled in shame, back to Mr. Smith’s house where they finished the cake and then ate all the food in the fridge.

Fin.

***

#silly story #mr. smith #funny story #cute gay couple #fiction #fictional gay couple #original story #amy and susan #philip and simon #leo and ritchie #kitty #bob and frankie #that moment of horror when mr. smith shows up at your workplace #mature mr. smith having a birthday party at chuckt cheese as any normal adult #poor leo and ritchie just want to do their job

[mr-smith-stories]

Leo and Ritchie’s Best Moments: Part Four: Mr. Smith 14- 17

From Mr. Smith 14: Mr. Smith Goes To The Zoo

The Hardest Thing Mr. Smith Ever Said In His Life:

Then they came upon Mr. Smith’s favorite exhibit- the bears. Mr. Smith ran excitedly to the front of the crowd, his friends hurrying behind. When he saw who was there he gasped. “YOU! The teenage gay geniuses! Here to ruin my day at the zoo! Oh no! What do I do?”

Leo sighed and Ritchie groaned. “No, YOU’RE going to ruin yet another date for us! You’re always showing up wherever we are!” Leo exclaimed, exasperated.

“I don’t WANT to run into you. I don’t LIKE you! You’re… smarter than me!” Mr. Smith lowered his voice at the end.

“So you admit it,” Said Ritchie.

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “Admit what?”

“That we’re smarter? You just said it,” Ritchie said with a laugh. Leo chuckled.

Mr. Smith began to mouth things and gesture, pointing to places in space. “Oh no! I did! Help! He’s smarter than me!”

“That wasn’t so hard, was it, Mr. Smith?” Ritchie asked.

“It was the hardest thing I ever said in my life!” Mr. Smith yelled.

Mr. Smith Joins His Bear Family:

“That’s it!” Yelled Mr. Smith. “I’ve HAD IT WITH YOU… you… you… GAY GENIUSES! I’M the genius here! If you can’t appreciate that, I’m going to have to live on a nature reserve and finally be among my people, the bears!”

“Bears aren’t even people. And you wouldn’t survive living among the bears,” said Ritchie.

“I COULD live among the bears! I’ll prove it!” Mr. Smith began to climb the bars of the bear exhibit like a spider monkey, huffing all the way to the top. Philip and Simon cheered as people shouted at Mr. Smith to get down.

“This reminds me of the time I went to the zoo and climbed into the lion exhibit. They had to call animal control to get me out. I just wanted a selfie with the lions. It was so annoying!” Amy said.

“Oh my God, I went into the snake exhibit and they had to get me out! I wanted to feed the snakes but they said I was breaking the rules! That was annoying too!” Susan squealed.

“That IS annoying!” Amy high fived Susan.

“Get down from there, Mr. Smith!” Leo shouted.

“Those bears will kill you!” Ritchie yelled.

“The bears won’t kill me, they’re my people! The bears will protect me from your insults!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“You just want to oppress his freedom as an American citizen!” Bob snapped at Ritchie. “It’s his basic human right to live among the bears! You can’t rob him of that! Those bears are important to him, in the very depths of his soul!”

“It’s because you’re richer than him, isn’t it?” Frankie asked Ritchie. “You think you’re better than him because you have money? He’s a hard working American citizen! Let Mr. Smith be with his bear family!”

“We just don’t want him to DIE,” Leo said desperately.

“Those bears won’t hurt him. They’re his brothers and sisters of another species. They will accept Mr. Smith as their own. Mr. Smith can live out the rest of his days happily among his bear brotheren.” Bob said.

“They’re wild animals! They’ll KILL HIM.” Leo stressed the last two words.

“They’re civilized forest creatures. They’ll not hurt him, they’ll welcome him into their bear community with open arms. Mr. Smith will become part of the zoo, just like all of the beautiful creatures here. He will be a fixture of this establishment.” Frankie said calmly.

“How are you so calm?! He could DIE!” Ritchie was shouting now.

“Shut up, devil spawn! I’M the genius here! I’ll prove it while I join my people! Mr. Smith’s day of pre- demption will come!”

“I think you mean RE-demption,” Said Leo.

“I don’t know what that is,” Mr. Smith looked bewildered.

“Just please get down from there! You could fall and hurt yourself!” Leo yelled.

Mr. Smith released one hand from the bars and scratched his head, still balancing himself. He began to mouth things and gesture with his free hand, then said, “Oh no! I could fall! I had better get down from up here!”

“Yes, Mr. Smith! Please climb down!” Leo shouted.

“Okay,” Mr. Smith said, and then climbed down the bars into the bear exhibit.

“That’s not what I meant!” Leo yelled. “Climb back up, Mr. Smith!”

Mr. Smith scratched his head. “But you said I would fall!”

“Yes, he did, but the bears are just as dangerous! Please climb back out!” Ritchie shouted.

Mr. Smith’s face contorted into rage. “Shut up, devil spawn! With these bears is where I belong!”

“Oh dear lord,” Sighed Leo. “Please, don’t go near those bears!”

“I will approach my bear friends! I’ll go and pet one of them; and then they’ll accept me into their bear tribe!”

From Mr. Smith #15: Mr. Smith Becomes A Child Psychology Professor

Shouldn’t You Be Teaching Instead of Arguing With Us?:

Mr. Smith smiled to himself as students began to enter the class and take their seats. Mr. Smith’s friends all sat down next to Mr. Smith’s desk. Mr. Smith stood up, turning on his computer with the syllabus displayed on the screen. It was five minutes until the class began, but Mr. Smith figured it was time to start. “Hello, class. Welcome to Child Psychology. My name is Mr. Smith, but you must call me -“ Mr. Smith paused upon seeing who entered the classroom. He gasped. “YOU! The gay geniuses! Oh no! What do I do? I have to teach a class and now you’re going to make me look STUPID!”

Leo and Ritchie groaned while Alex held back a laugh. “We’re in class with YOU? Oh dear lord. This is going to be a long semester, unless of course you inevitably quit your job once you remember that we’re smarter than you,” Leo said.

“Now you listen here, devil spawn! I’M the genius here! You’d better RESPECT me, or you’ll be forced to leave this class!” Mr. Smith stamped his foot.

“Shouldn’t you be teaching instead of arguing with us?” Asked Ritchie.

Mr. Smith’s PhD:

“Please, TEACH the class, Mr. Smith.” Ritchie groaned.

“Yes, let’s try not to make this as painful as possible,” Leo remarked.

“That’s DR. Smith to you!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the white board.

“Oh yeah?” Ritchie snorted. “What was your dissertation on?”

Mr. Smith began to gesture with his hands and mouth words no one could hear. “Is a dissertation a type of dessert?”

“No. Oh my God!” Leo facepalmed.

“What is your PhD in?” Asked Ritchie.

“I studied genius IQ in children at the puppy farm! Did you know children from the puppy farm have more consistent scores on standardized tests?” Mr. Smith asked.

“Do you mean they all fail?” Asked Leo.

“Yes! Because their minds are pure with the beautiful, creative freedom of thought taught at the puppy farm! These children know all about Greenbirds and Oak Trees, but these tests simply don’t know how to measure intellect. If they did, why do all these geniuses score so low?” Mr. Smith scratched his head.

“Jesus Christ,” Swore Leo.

“Just get on with reading the syllabus.” Ritchie sighed.

Leo Gets Everyone To Walk Out:

“Now, before we begin, let’s establish some background knowledge. Does everyone know what a child is?” Mr. Smith addressed the class.

“Are you kidding me? This is Child Psychology. Of course we know what a child is!” Leo exclaimed furiously.

“Well, as your professor, I have to account for the fact that most of you did not attend the school of the puppy farm, and are wherefore not as educated as me. And that some of you are level 10 or 50 IQ.” Mr. Smith said smugly.

“For the last time, I am obviously not a level 10 IQ, and Ritchie is obviously not a level 50 IQ! We are both geniuses and you are just jealous of us!” Leo snapped.

Mr. Smith scatched his chin, then began to gesture with his hands and mouth things. “I didn’t have any jello with the sandwich Mom packed me today.”

“That’s not what jealous means!” Leo snapped.

“Shut up and let me lecture, devil spawn, or I will give you a Detention!” Mr. Smith stamped his foot.

“This is college, you can’t give me a detention-“ Leo began.

“Shh!” Mr. Smith shushed him. “Let’s discuss the maturity of children. Despite common miscontraceptions, children are very mature. I know this because people are always comparing me to a very young child, and I’m very mature. Children must wherefore be very mature and geniuses, and lose their genius intelligence as they get older, except me because I have 1 million level IQ.”

“That doesn’t make any sense,” Said Leo. “You’re not qualified to teach us anything! That’s it! I’m walking out! Who’s with me?”

Ritchie and Alex got up to leave, followed by several other students. Mr. Smith yelled, “Wait! Don’t go!” More students got up to leave, so Mr. Smith became enraged. He ran to his desk, picked up his computer monitor and chucked it out the window. “Whole lot of good you did me!” Then he picked up one of the student’s backpacks and threw it across the room. Then he tipped his desk over and dumped water all over his computer, and chucked that out the window for good measure. As more students began to leave, Mr. Smith ran to the whiteboard and began to pound on the white board while yelling, until finally everyone was gone, including his friends who thought it would be funny to leave and make Mr. Smith angry.

Mr. Smith ran out into the hallway. “That’s IT! I’ve had it with you gay geniuses! I quit! I’ll never teach ever again!” Then he called the dean and quit his job, which he had only gotten because the dean had eaten yet another apology pot brownie from Mr. Smith’s father.

From Mr. Smith #16: Mr. Smith The Lawyer

Do You Even KNOW What The Word Fraud MEANS?:

“First of all, it’s because you’re GAY! Gay people are going to be the downfall of this great human race! You think that just because you like MEN means you’re better than us, and that you can sue people whenever you want! Well, I have one thing to say to YOU, Leonard Philips! I am NOT gay and never will be! You won’t convert me to the dark side!”

“My sexual orientation has nothing to do with why we’re here! Bill Stevenson is a fraud!” Leo insisted at the stand.

Mr. Smith addressed the witness. “Do you even KNOW what the word fraud MEANS?!”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Yes, do you?”

Mr. Smith began to gesture with his hands and mouth things. “No, I was hoping you would tell me. ANYWAY, Bill is an innocent man, I tell you! Leo and Ritchie are the TRUE criminals! Leo BULLIED the other students in his high school by being smarter than them! A stuck up intellectual who cared more about philosophy than to make the students who were mean to him feel better by intentionally FAILING ALL HIS CLASSES, like he should have done! Leonard Philips is a menace, I tell you! A menace! And Ritchie is almost sort of just as bad!”

Mr. Smith Forgets What Hibernation Is Sometimes:

Leo raised his voice, exasperated. “I just want back the money he cheated me out of! Ritchie and I are planning on getting married when we turn 18, and we need that money!”

“AGAIN with the homosexuality! Your sexuality is NOT AN EXCUSE FOR ACCUSING MY CLIENT OF CRIMINAL ACTIVITIES! He is an innocent man, wih a wife and children! An innocent man whose life has been destroyed by your lies, by your homosexuality! You have devastated the heart and soul of this community, but never again! I think YOU should be behind bars! You think you’re better than us, but I’M the genius here! You need to be taught a lesson about disrespecting your elders!” Mr. Smith picked up a reporter’s pen and threw it across the room.

“I’m not making excuses! We just want to be together! This is ludicrous!” Leo snapped.

Mr. Smith gasped. “Your Horror, the oppopreposition is trying to call attention away from what we are trying to discuss here! Leo has been using so many words that I do not understand, and it’s not fair! He’s trying to confuse the courtroom and make me look STUPID! Throw him behind bars for his lack of respect before he makes a mockery of this courtroom!”

Leo snickered. “I think you mean “opposition.””

“Again with the large words! How on earth do you expect us to understand you when you use words we never learned in Kindergarten? How can I further my career as a lawyer if you confuse me into making bad arguments! You are a bully and are just trying to distract us from the truth! That YOU AND RITCHIE are the frauds!” Mr. Smith wiped sweat from his brow. Being a lawyer was such hard work! Thinking of all these complicated arguments was really taking its toll on him already. He had no idea being successful took so much energy!

“Opposition is not a big word!” Leo argued, desperately looking at the judge.

Mr. Smith took out a miniture white board he had brought with him and began to write big vocabulary words on it. “There are so many words that end in -tion, how am I supposed to keep up with them all? Frustration, hibernation, nation, motion! It’s hard enough to remember those, and I even forget what hibernation is sometimes! How am I supposed to remember all of those giant words? It’s too hard, Your Horror! Do you agree?”

The Judge now appeared to be sucking on a lollipop, but Mr. Smith wasn’t sure where he’d gotten it from. “Yes, yes, very clever. You make many excellent points.”

The Judge Rules In Leo and Ritchie’s Favour:

Question one,” Mr. Smith began. “Why is this money so important to you? Is it important enough that you would wrongly accuse MY client of fraud to steal his hard earned salary?!”

“Leo and I intend to get married once we turn eighteen. He told you this already.” Ritchie said.

“But… do you HAVE to marry Leo? Why don’t you just let poor Bill here keep his money?” Mr. Smith scratched his head.

“We just want to be together. We’re in love,” Said Ritchie.

“LOVE?!” Mr. Smith exclaimed. Then he finally remembered he needed to be professional. “Define “love” for the court, please.”

“Uh, it means I care about him more than anyone so I want to marry him?” Ritchie said, annoyed.

“But… why?” Mr. Smith asked.

“Why? What do you mean why? I love him.” Ritchie looked confused.

“Why do you… LOVE him?” Mr. Smith choked out.

“Because he’s the smartest person I know and he cares about me more than anyone,” Ritchie replied.

“But… he’s a robot,” Said Mr. Smith.

“A robot?” Leo snapped.

“Yes, an emotionless robot. HOW can you care about anyone when you’re a cyborg? How can we even accept anything a cyborg says as true? You probably work for the government! It’s one giant conspiracy!”

“I’m not a cyborg, you absolute moron! I’m a human being!” Leo snapped.

“But… you’re emotionless! You bully people by being smarter than them! It’s cruel and unjust! All humans are supposed to have equal rights, and you take away their right to do as well by being smarter than them! It’s like I’ve always said, you strike fear in the hearts of others, a fear of insecurity, inadequacy and despair! You are a menace! Do you hear me, everyone? A menace!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on a nearby table where his client was sitting.

“This isn’t even relevant to the case!” Ritchie snapped. “I’ve had enough of this! You come in here acting like you’re better than us because you’re straight, but you’re a total dumb ass!”

“Shut up, devil spawn! I’M the genius here and we both know that’s what me winning this case is really about!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“That’s the POINT! You’re not even taking this seriously! The only reason you’re still here is because your father is bribing the judge with food!” Ritchie shouted.

The Judge looked up with a piece of a hot dog sticking out of the side of his mouth. “Mmf!” He tried to speak. He swallowed the rest of the hot dog and protested, “How DARE you! I haven’t been eating FOOD while this session has been going on!”

“Everyone can SEE you!” Ritchie was exasperated.

“Can YOU see anything?” Mr. Smith asked the jury. They all scratched their heads in confusion.

“Oh my God! This is ridiculous! This is an unfair trial and this judge is just STUPID, just like you, Mr. Smith!” Ritchie yelled.

“Shut up, devil spawn! You can’t deny my obvious one billion level IQ! You’re just envious of me!” Mr. Smith yelled back.

“Quiet, Mr. Smith!” The judge pounded his gavel. “I’ve made up my mind. The jury is dismissed, I’M deciding this case!”

“You can’t do that in a court of law!” Leo desperately argued.

“It’s MY COURT, you asshole! I’m in charge here, this is my domain! But today’s your lucky day, because despite Mr. Smith’s father’s bribes, I’m ruling AGAINST HIM. No one calls me stupid!” The judge pounded his gavel again. “Bill is sentenced to fifteen years in prison and must also repay all the money he stole from Leo and Ritchie! Court is dismissed now! Bye losers!”

From Mr. Smith #17: Driving Class

Mr. Smith Wants To Be Friends With Leo and Ritchie:

The teacher then walked to the front of the room. “Good morning, class! I’m Mrs. Jacobson, your Driver’s Ed teacher! To start, does anyone know the rules of turning left on a red light?”

Mr. Smith raised his hand. “Ooh ooh I know! Does it mean you can turn left as long as you’re going in the red light district?”

Mrs. Jacobson gasped. “I meant the red light on any road!”

Mr. Smith began to mouth things silently and gesture with his hands. “What does a red light mean again? Does it mean to go? And what is a road?”

“A road is what you DRIVE ON. Oh my GOD, you are stupid!” Leo rolled his eyes.

“Drive? Like Driver’s Ed? That must have something to do with what class we’re in!” Mr. Smith clapped his hands, proud of himself.

“How are you in Driver’s Ed if you don’t know what driving is?!” Ritchie demanded.

“I knew this morning, but I seem to have forgotten now,” Mr. Smith said, scratching his head and pointing to places in space. “Oh I know! Drive is the name of the person teaching this class! Driver’s Ed!”

“Oh my God,” Leo chuckled. “You’re literally the stupidest person I’ve ever met.”

“Actually, I think Kitty’s dumber than Mr. Smith,” Ritchie argued.

“Of course I’m more smarter than Kitty! Kitty is the only person I know who is dumber than me!” Mr. Smith pounded his fist on the desk.

“So you admit you’re very unintelligent?” Ritchie asked.

Mr. Smith closed his eyes and with his bottom lip extended, began to point to random places in space. “Does unintelligent mean I’m extra intelligent?”

“Compared to Kitty, yes,” Leo said.

“Thank you, devil spawn! For once you recognize my genius level brilliance. Now maybe we can be friends.” Mr. Smith said.

“No, thanks, I’m good,” Leo chuckled.

Mr. Smith Says He’s Like “A Bottomless Pit Of Intelligence”:

Class! Pay attention! Now, Mr. Smith, if you’re at a crosswalk and a pedestrian is passing by, what do you do?” Asked Mrs. Jacobson.

“Is a pedestrian a type of pedetrician?” Mr. Smith asked, scratching his head. “They both start with the letter p.”

“A pedestrian is just a local person,” Said Mrs. Jacobson.

“What does local mean? Is it in any way related to locomotion? Because they’re crossing the street?” Mr. Smith asked.

“Sure. Whatever. Just answer the question.”

Mr. Smith scratched his chin as if deep in thought. “I honk at them until they get out if the way, and if they don’t, I just drive around them.”

“That’s not what you’re supposed to do! You stop!” Mrs. Jacobson’s mouth was hanging open.

Mr. Smith looked bewildered. “But if I stop, I’ll be late to wherever I’m going!”

“If you don’t stop, you could cause an accident!” Ritchie snapped.

Mr. Smith began to gesture and mouth things. “What does my accent have to do with driving a car?”

Leo groaned. “HOW do you think you’re a genius? You’re a complete moron!”

“I AM a genius, devil spawn! I learned to drive at thirteen at the puppy farm, I probably know more about driving than you! You are just envious of my infinity level IQ!”

“Infinity level IQ? How can an IQ score be level infinity? That doesn’t make any sense!” Leo argued.

“I’m such a genius, my intellect is never ending. I’m like a bottomless pit of intelligence.”

“That makes no sense!” Leo yelled.

“Shut up, devil spawn! I’M thr smartest person to ever live, and who will ever live! I can sing my alphabet song! I just learned it yesterday! Watch and learn! A B Q D C S P, smart is who I want to be! See, that’s the whole alphabet! I AM a genius!” Mr. Smith sang off key.

“That’s in the wrong order, and not even the entire alphabet!” Leo sighed in exasperation.

***

These are some of my favorite Leo and Ritchie scenes! I love their sarcasm and how supportive they are of each other. Will do more of these as the stories continue, not just for Leo and Ritchie but for all the other major characters as well! What are some of your favorite Leo and Ritchie moments, either in these montage posts or those from the stories that were not included? Feel free to comment and let me know!

#leo and ritchie moments part four #ritchie makes clear how much he cares about leo #cute gay couple #mr. smith #leo and ritchie #more iconic leo and ritchie moments #leo and ritchie’s best sarcasm #we love a gay genius king #we love to see it

[mr-smith-stories]

Leo and Ritchie’s Best Moments: Part Three: Mr. Smith 11- 13

From Mr. Smith #11: The Movies:

You Can Be Gay And Rich:

As Mr. Smith and his friends walked through the theater, there was a jump scare and Mr. Smith yelled, “Oh no! Run away, don’t let the scary ghost get you!” Everyone in the front row where Mr. Smith and his friends were to be sitting whipped their heads around. Mr. Smith gasped. “Oh no! It’s YOU! The gay geniuses! Again! What are YOU doing at MY movie theater?!”

Leo sighed. “We just came to see a movie.”

Mr. Smith saw they were holding hands. “You two are awfully close friends! Why do you hold hands while watching a movie?”

Ritchie rolled his eyes. “We’re dating you idiot.”

Leo added, “We’ve been through this before.”

Mr. Smith gasped. “YOU’RE GAY! Two boys CAN’T date! Right, Kitty?” Mr. Smith turned to his best friend.

Kitty looked Leo and Ritchie up and down. “You’re wearing very expensive clothes. Can you be gay AND rich? Is that legal?”

“You can be gay and rich, dipshit,” Ritchie said.

“No you can’t!” Yelled Kitty. “It’s NOT FAIR! I should be rich! I I’m HOMELESS!”

Kitty Is Even Dumber Than Mr. Smith:

“You don’t even know us. How can you judge us?” Asked Leo.

“Mr. Smith told me all about you, Leo and… and… and…” Kitty paused, unsure of himself.

“Are you ok?” Asked Ritchie.

“No, I’m Kitty.” Said Kitty.

“He’s asking you if you need help,” Said Leo.

“You think you’re so smart because you’re richer than me,” Said Kitty. “I could be rich if I wanted to. I could be a rich entrepeneur, and you’d have no idea!”

“You have beer stains all over your shirt, if you were a rich entrepreneur you’d pay someone to wash it.” Said Leo.

“I don’t believe in hiring a maid, I believe in hard work as part of the American dream,” Said Kitty.

“Is that why you live in a cardboard box?” Asked Ritchie.

“I pay rent to live in that box- twenty dollars a month!” Kitty yelled.

“Why don’t you wash your shirt yourself?” Leo asked.

“I don’t know how to turn on the washing machine,” Said Kitty. “And water scares me, because of my name.”

“Oh my God, you’re a moron. I bet you flunked out of school,” Said Leo.

“I made it out of Kindergarten, then I joined the puppy farm Elementary School equivalency program where I later met Mr. Smith,” Said Kitty. “I made it to college, where my GPA was incredible, top of my class.”

“It was lower than mine. I had a 1.1 GPA and yours was -4,” Said Mr. Smith.

“The professors didn’t like that I kept doodling pictures of myself as a cat at the puppy farm on all of my tests, and the answers were wrong already, so I kept getting negative scores in all my classes.” Kitty explained.

“Oh my God,” Said Leo.

“You’re even more stupid than Mr. Smith!” Ritchie exclaimed.

From Mr. Smith #12: Sociology Test

Or What?:

“We’ll take this test and prove we’re smarter,” Said Philip.

“Good idea,” Said Mr. Smith. “I never noticed you were so handsome before.”

“You are too. But no homo, right?” Asked Philip.

“Yeah,” Said Mr. Smith, and they gazed into each other’s eyes again.

“Once again, you’re gay for each other,” Said Ritchie.

“No I’m not!” Yelled Philip. “STOP SAYING THAT! Or… or… or…”

“Or what?” Ritchie challenged him.

“I don’t know. I’ll get back to you on that,” Philip said, looking bewildered.

“Sometimes I don’t know what I’m going to say too, even though I already started speaking,” Said Amy.

“Me too! I have to write down everything I say on notecards or I might forget,” Said Susan.

“No way!” Amy exclaimed. They high fived each other.

Leo Stands Up For His Transgender Friend:

Bob raised his hand.

“There are no questions during a test!” The professor snapped.

“How can we know any of the answers to this test? There’s no proof any of this is true!” Bob said.

“I only understand social inequality, because I live in a carboard box, and cats don’t have the same rights as humans.” Kitty said. “And why is transgender on this test? It’s not real.”

“I’m transgender,” Said Alex. “I’m real.”

“But how do you KNOW you’re real? You have no proof,” Said Bob.

“I think you’re delusional. I’m a cat and we have a sixth sense, so I know these things. It’s my kitty sense.” Kitty explained.

“You think you’re a cat, so YOU’RE delusional. Don’t insult my friend because you’re a moron who thinks he’s a cat!” Leo snapped.

From Mr. Smith #13: Psychology Presentation

Christopher Columbus:

Mr. Smith waited outside his class with his friends, early probably for the first time in his life. Three students approached the class. Mr. Smith gasped. “Look!” He shouted to Philip. “It’s the GAY GENIUSES! And that other person! Help! Don’t let them see me!” He cowered behind Philip.

Philip did a double take. “Leo and Ritchie? Oh shit! You hide me!” Philip ran behind Mr. Smith. They spent several moments running behind each other, until finally Alex, Leo and Ritchie reached the classroom.

“What are you idiots doing?!” Asked Ritchie.

Mr. Smith pulled his hat over his eyes. “Help! He’s smarter than me!”

Leo rolled his eyes. “You’re a total moron. Please get out of the way, you’re blocking the door.”

Mr. Smith planted his feet firmly in the ground. “No! I refuse to be condescended to by someone smarter than me!”

The professor approached the door. “Mr. Smith, you’re blocking the entrance,”

“I’m not Mr. Smith, I’m Christopher Columbus.” Mr. Smith said, his hat covering his face.

“Christopher Columbus is dead,” Said Leo.

“I’m not dead, I’m immoral,” Said Mr. Smith.

“I think you mean immortal,” Said Leo.

“I don’t know what that is,” Mr. Smith scratched his head in bewilderment, lowering his hat.

“If you’re Christopher Columbus, why do you look exactly like Mr. Smith?” Asked Alex.

“I got rhinocerous- plasty,” Said Mr. Smith. “To look exactly like Mr. Smith, my best friend.”

“I think you mean rhinoplasty, and that is just a nose job.” Leo said.

“What is a nose?” Asked Mr. Smith.

The Jupitan Kitty Cat Conspiracy:

They all entered the classroom, and Mr. Smith and his seven friends all went to the front of the room to begin their presentation. Frankie began, “Our presentation is on the government conspiracy of mental illness and mental health.”

Leo raised his hand.

“Yes, devil spawn?” Mr. Smith asked.

“Mental health is NOT a conspiracy! Mental illness is a legitimate issue in modern day society.” Leo said.

“What does modern mean?” Asked Mr. Smith.

“Mr. Smith, please continue your presentation.”

“Mental illness was invented by the government to press the poor. That way the government can increase social inequality and conquer Jupiter,” Bob explained.

“Don’t you mean ‘oppress’?” Asked Ritchie. Mr. Smith shushed him.

“Jupiter is a gaseous planet. How could it be conquered? It can’t support life,” Alex said.

“They don’t have gasoline on Jupiter, they only use solar powered cars,” Said Philip.

#leo and ritchie iconic moments part three #more iconic leo and ritchie moments #we love to see it #cute gay couple #leo and ritchie’s best sarcasm

[mr-smith-stories]

Best Leo and Ritchie Moments: Part Two: Mr. Smith 6- 10

From Mr. Smith #6: The Waiter

Ritchie Stands Up For Himself and Leo at Red Lobster:

Mr. Smith, Simon and Philip approached the table. When Mr. Smith saw who sat there he gasped. “It’s YOU! Leo and Ritchie, the gay geniuses!”

“So you finally admit we’re geniuses?” Asked Leo.

“Yeah, do you?” Asked Ritchie.

Mr. Smith gasped again and covered his face with his hands. He yelled, “Help! They’re smarter than me!”

Leo rolled his eyes. “Just please take our orders. And no peppers or cucumbers on our food this time please.”

“Got it,” Mr. Smith said, writing down the words peppers and cucumbers.

“Did you just write peppers and cucumbers?” Asked Ritchie.

“No?” Mr. Smith covered the paper with his hand.

“I’m right next to you. I already saw it. Cross it out or I’m going to talk to your manager.” Ritchie said.

Philip Tries To Prove He’s Better Than Leo:

Mr. Smith lowered his piece of paper. “No. I refuse to serve someone smarter than me.”

“Come on, Mr. Smith. If you don’t take their orders, we’ll be fired and I’ll cry again,” Simon said.

“I don’t know, Simon,” Said Philip. “He’s onto something. I think I’m better than both of these chumps.”

“How’s that?” Asked Leo.

“I don’t like your haircut,” Said Philip. “My barber does a better job.”

“Your hair is sticking up in multiple places,” Leo said, stifling a laugh.

“I do that on purpose. I put gel in my hair to make it do that every morning. The girls love it.” Philip said.

“Sure they do,” Said Leo.

“If you were smart, you’d style it more like me.” Philip said. “I could show you how.”

“No thanks,” Leo chuckled while Ritchie snickered.

Mr. Smith Tells Philip Leo and Ritchie Are A Couple:

Mr. Smith poked Philip. “Did you know they’re gay?”

“Do you mean they’re happy?” Asked Philip.

“I’m not very happy right now,” Said Simon. “That girl whose table I waited is glaring at me for messing up her order. I have to go cry in the bathroom now.” Simon ran away to the bathroom.

“No,” Mr. Smith said. “I mean.. they like OTHER MEN.”

Philip gasped. “Is this true?”

“It’s literally none of your business,” Leo said.

“Yeah, what’s it to you?” Asked Ritchie.

Philip said, “I only like women.”

Mr. Smith added. “Me too, bro.”

“You can’t say bro. You’re thirty and I’m twenty,” Said Philip. “It’s not cool.”

“Sorry,” Said Mr. Smith.

From Mr. Smith #7: Great Adventure

Mr. Smith Tries To Trick Leo and Ritchie at the Skyline:

Susan poked Amy. “Look who it is,” She said, pointing.

Mr. Smith whipped his head around. Sure enough, it was Leo and Ritchie. “Oh no!” Mr. Smith yelled, stepping into one of the cable cars. “Quick! Start the ride!” He yelled to Philip.

The manager chose that moment to come over. “Mr. Smith, get out of the cable car,”

Mr. Smith covered his face with his hands and said in a deeper voice, “I’m not Mr. Smith, I’m Bob,”

“No, you’re not Bob. Please step out of the cable car, Mr. Smith,”

“Don’t you mean… step out of the car, Bob?” Mr. Smith said, his voice still deep.

“Get out of the cable car or you’re fired!” The manager yelled.

“Is something wrong?” Asked Leo.

“What’s the holdup?” Asked Ritchie.

Mr. Smith stepped out of the cable car, and the manager left. Mr. Smith turned to Leo and Ritchie, his hands still covering his face, using a fake Bristish accent and deeper voice. “Hello. My name is Bob and not Mr. Smith. Let me help you onto the ride.”

“We know that’s you, Mr. Smith.” Said Leo.

“That’s a terrible British accent,” Said Ritchie. “Seriously. Just let us on the ride.”

Mr. Smith Refuses To Let Leo and Ritchie On the Ride:

Mr. Smith slammed shut the cable car door. “No!”

Philip said, “We’ll only let you on if you prove you’re better than us.”

“That’s ridiculous. We just want to ride the cable car-“ Leo began.

Ritchie held up a hand. “Wait, Leo. This could be an opportunity to put this guy in his place.”

Leo looked at Ritchie. “Alright,” He said. He turned to Philip. “How would you like us to prove it?”

“I will ask you some history trivia, and if you answer wrong you have to leave,” Said Philip.

“Ok,” Said Leo.

“Sure,” Said Ritchie.

From Mr. Smith #8: CVS Pharmacy

Ritchie Just Wants Mr. Smith To Give Leo His Allergy Medications:

The door chimed, and two teenagers walked in. Mr. Smith gasped. “Leo and Richard! My arch nemeses! How dare you come to my terf AGAIN!”

“Oh Jesus,” swore Leo. “How is it you’re always wherever we go?”

“YOU’RE wherever I go!” Mr. Smith yelled. “The bane of my existence! The teenage gay geniuses! Why can’t you be stupid so I don’t have to feel insecure?!”

“We’d just like to pick up a prescription,” Leo said.

“Can you handle that, Mr. Smith? Just one prescription and we’re gone,” Ritchie said.

Ritchie Threatens To Talk To The Manager:

“I just need some allergy medications. I have a bit of a cold,” Leo explained. Leo sneezed and then took out a tissue, wiping his nose and throwing it in a nearby trash bin. “I’m hoping to feel better before my psychology test at the end of the week.”

Mr. Smith scratched his chin thoughtfully. “Ok,” He said.

“That’s it?” Asked Leo. “No, “I don’t like you!” or “I refuse to help someone smarter than me!” You’re going to actually help us?”

“Ye-s.” Mr. Smith said. “I’ll be back.” Mr. Smith came back a few minutes later with anti- depressants. “These should do the trick.”

“These are anti- depressants,” Leo said upon seeing the name of the drugs.

“You’ll feel better by your test,” Said Philip.

“But I don’t have depression,” Leo said shortly.

“Well, I always feel better after taking those.”

“You have depression?” Asked Leo.

“No, I just like taking them after I sneak them out of the pharmacy,” Philip said.

“We steal drugs from here too,” Said Amy.

“I used to steal drugs in high school,” Susan said. “But they were my drug dealer’s, not from a pharmacy.”

“Me too!” Amy exclaimed, and they high fived each other.

“Please just give me cold medications,” Leo said. “I’m really sick.”

“Yes, please stop wasting our time,” Ritchie said. “Just give Leo his medications or I’ll talk to your manager.”

From Mr. Smith #9: Ornithology Class

Ritchie Tries To Explain That Dodo Birds Are Extinct:

Mr. Smith pressed the button on his remote, and a slide with a picture of a seagull and a turkey vulture came up. Mr. Smith addressed the class. “These are two specimens called the dodo bird and the pheonix. Surprisingly, the dodo bird is not extinct despite common miscontraceptions, I saw one in the parking lot outside the mall.”

Leo raised his hand. “Do you mean misconceptions?”

Mr. Smith blinked for several seconds in confusion. “I don’t know what that is.”

Ritchie raised his hand. “That’s a seagull not a dodo bird, dodo birds are extinct!”

Mr. Smith blinked again. “What does extinct mean again? I just forgot.”

Ritchie groaned. “Oh my God. You’re stupid.”

Mr. Smith snarled, “Don’t insult me, devil spawn! I worked hard on this presentation! It took me ten minutes!”

Mr. Smith Doesn’t Know What A Foot Is:

Presentations are hard,” Said Amy. “I had to do a presentation in psychology once, and it was so hard I failed. I had to label the parts of the human brain, but the professor didn’t tell me labeling it left side, right side, back and front wasn’t good enough.”

“Oh my God, something like that happened to me too! I had to label the parts of the body in anatomy class, but the teacher got mad at me for saying foot, arm, head, legs and all the other names. I know I got it right! It was so annoying.” Susan said.

“What is a foot?” Asked Mr. Smith.

“I think it’s what you see out of,” Said Simon.

“No, that’s your eyes,” Said Philip. “Your foot is the thing in your mouth that lets you taste things.”

“Oh my God,” Said Ritchie.

“That’s your TONGUE.” Said Leo.

From Mr. Smith #10: Microbiology Class

Leo and Ritchie Realize Mr. Smith Is Gay:

“Anyway, does anyone know the different types of eukaryotic microbes, which was in the homework?” Asked the professor.

“There was homework?” Asked Mr. Smith. “Why didn’t Simon tell me? He’s supposed to be checking these things for me.”

“I sent out an email,” Said the professor. “Have you been checking your email?”

“I don’t know how to check my email. I always have to ask for my dad’s help using the computer. There are a lot of square buttons and it’s confusing. I don’t know why they have letters on them,” Mr. Smith explained.

“Bro, I always found that confusing too,” Said Philip, and they gazed into each other’s eyes for a brief moment.

“That was incredible,” Said Mr. Smith.

“It was,” Said Philip. “No homo though, right?”

“What’s a homo?” Asked Mr. Smith. “Is it a blood disorder?”

“Have you never heard the term homosexual before?” Asked Leo.

“Term?” Asked Mr. Smith. “Do you mean how long the president is in charge? Are you saying the president is gay?”

“Mr. Smith, I have a question for you,” Said Ritchie.

“Ok.”

“What is the name of our current president?”

“My father, of course. It’s his secret job he won’t talk to mom about. He goes away on Saturday nights sometimes. I used to think he was fighting crime, but he tells me it’s to meet with his secret service. Mom doesn’t believe him, but I’m not sure why.” Mr. Smith explained.

“My father does that too, they must both be president,” Said Philip.

“We have a lot in common,” Said Mr. Smith, and they stared into each other’s eyes again.

“We do,” Said Philip, blushing.

“You’re homophobic, but you’re both obviously gay,” Said Leo.

“Don’t call me gay! YOU’RE GAY!” Yelled Philip. “I’M a STUD!”

“Your shirt is on backwards again,” Said Ritchie. “And inside out.”

“I do that on purpose. The ladies love it.” Said Philip.

“I’m sure they don’t,” Said Leo.

Mr. Smith Tries To Prove His Intelligence:

“Oh my God,” Said Leo. “This is just a never ending cycle of stupidity,”

“I still don’t know how to ride a bicycle, so stop bringing it up,” Said Philip.

“Neither do I,” Said Mr. Smith. “But I can ride a tricycle.”

The three (actually intelligent) boys snickered.

Leo remarked, “I don’t know how you think you’re a genius.”

“Yeah, don’t you think your IQ is 390? It makes literally no sense.” Ritchie added.

“Actually, my IQ is 1,000. I tested my own IQ recently, and it turns out I’m the smartest person to ever live.” Mr. Smith explained.

“You tested your own IQ?” Ritchie chuckled.

“That won’t give you accurate results.” Leo added.

“Shut up! The test does not lie! I am a 1,000 level IQ! You are just jealous of my brilliance, devil spawn! And of my heterosexuality! I am a real man, and ladies love me! Like Amy!” Mr. Smith yelled, stamping his foot.

“I think you’re gross, and so do most girls.” Said Amy.

“Shh! Be quiet! Don’t make me look stupid!” Mr. Smith shushed her.

“I think you did that to yourself already.” Alex said.

“What did I do? I forgot.”

“Also, you really shouldn’t be calling attention to your own masculinity. You have a woman’s name, and you literally act like a six year old girl.” Ritchie said.

Mr. Smith shushed him. “Shh! I don’t want the girls to hear you say that, they might not date me if they overhear.”

“I was six years old once.” Said Susan.

“Me too!” Exclaimed Amy.

“Oh my God. You have to be the dumbest people to ever live.” Said Ritchie.

“The tests do not lie! Especially if I give them! My father says I am a genius too! He taught me all about IQ at the puppy farm middle school equivalency program!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“Please be quiet and pay attention. I’m trying to teach a class!” The professor was yelling now.

“No!” Yelled Mr. Smith. “I refuse to be condescended to by people smarter than me! It’s time for me to prove my intelligence!” Mr. Smith ran up to the front of the room.

“What are you doing?” Asked the professor.

“Proving that I AM superior to my arch nemeses, the homosexual intellectuals!” Mr. Smith grabbed a dry erase marker, drawing a web of bubbles connected by lines, writing his ideas in the bubbles. “First of all, I’m older than Leo and Ritchie, so I have had more experience, and more schooling at the puppy farm. At the puppy farm, they teach you for a long time! One hour a day!”

“I very much doubt you’ve had more schooling than us if you had school for one hour a day,” Said Leo.

“Sh-h!” Yelled Mr. Smith. He began scratching his head and pointing to different bubbles on the white board, trying to decide what to write next. Then it dawned on him, so he scribbled in another bubble. “Also, the puppy farm has better, more accurate information! Most people don’t know that greenbirds exist! Which brings me to my next point.”

“Oh dear lord,” Sighed Leo, amused.

“The puppy farm teaches better planning, which is why I was able to get away with murder. Dead bodies in your fridge is genius. I’m surprised no one has thought of that before. The puppy farm teaches creativity! Which brings me to my next point.”

Mr. Smith wrote in another bubble. “The puppy farm teaches you to approach philosophy creatively. That’s why I was too smart to pass Advanced Moral Philosophy. You see, there’s a flaw in Leo’s explanation of the allegory of the cave. He thought about it too much. Simple ideas are better, and wherefore more creative, because they’re easier to think of.”

Ritchie interjected, “Do you mean therefore?”

Mr. Smith scratched his chin. “I don’t know what that is. Anyway, that brings me to my fifth and final bubble! You’re both liars!”

“What does that have to do with bubble #4? And what do you mean we’re liars?” Asked Ritchie.

Mr. Smith looked at the board for several minutes, and then gasped. “I don’t know how they’re related. I’m completely lost. Anyway! You’re liars because you exaggerate your intelligence. Leo doesn’t REALLY like philosophy. He just PRETENDS to understand it to spite me by making himself look smarter than me. And he’s so stuck up, doing well in all his classes! He has the gall to do better than me to make me feel bad! And he can’t really be intelligent, I think he’s arrogant! He showed Ritchie his A on a test in Ornithology when they joined! I failed that test! Only a pretentious jerk would wave it in my face like that! No one likes to be told someone is smarter than them! No one, I tell you!”

“Why don’t you like me?” Asked Ritchie.

“You’re a cruel jerk! You make people suffer, and then you laugh at their misery because you think you’re better than them!” Yelled Mr. Smith.

“That’s why I call him Dick,” Said Philip. “Because, you know, he’s a dick. I think it’s clever.”

“I’m not cruel,” Said Ritchie. “I can’t help that I’m smart.”

“Lies!” Yelled Mr. Smith. “You’re only smart to spite us! You just want us to hate ourselves! That’s why Leo is so arrogant! He likes making less intelligent people cry! He’s a bully, and bullies like him always want to make people feel bad about themselves!”

“I don’t want to bully people, I was bullied in school,” Said Leo.

“YOU were the bully! You made them jealous with all your good grades and your stuck up attitude! You struck fear in the hearts of the other students, a fear that they would not do as well! You devastated their hearts!” Mr. Smith pointed an accusing finger at Leo.

“Ok,” Said the professor. “That’s it. You’ve hijacked my class long enough. Please sit down so I can lecture.”

#more iconic leo and ritchie moments #adorable gay geniuses #we love to see it #leo and ritchie’s best sarcasm #leo and ritchie on a date #leo and ritchie #mr. smith #philip #susan and amy

[mr-smith-stories]

Montage: The Best Leo and Ritchie Moments Part One: Mr. Smith 1-5

From IQ Test #1: Leonard Philips

Jenga

“I have to give these IQ tests to you stuck up jerks every f-ing day. You all think you’re so much better than me. I bet you think you’re really clever, don’t you Jack?”

“My name is Leonard-“ Leonard began.

“Don’t interrupt me! You think I’m stupid, don’t you?”

“I never said that,” Leonard said. “Maybe we should get started on the test.”

“I thought we could just play Jenga instead. I bet you’re not smart enough to beat me at Jenga. I came in one hundredth place at a tournament last weekend. There were a lot of us too- one hundred and twelve.”

“We’re not here to play Jenga, I just want to take my IQ test.” Leonard said.

“Fine,” Said Mr. Smith. “Sit down, you stuck up intellectual jerk.”

“O-kay,” Leo said, pulling out a metal chair and sitting down.

Spell “Go”

“First test- spell go.”

“Go?” Asked Leo.

“Yes, spell go. I know it’s a hard word to spell, which is why I’M the genius here. I’m a good speller.”

“G-o.” Said Leo.

“Wrong. It’s N-g-o. The “n” is silent.” Said Mr. Smith smugly.

“That’s not how you spell “go.”” Leo said.

“Don’t contradict me! I’m perfectly qualified to give this IQ test! I made it all the way through Elementary School.”

Leo Leaves The IQ Test

“Next question. Tell me every single digit in pi, including the undiscovered ones, or you’re not a genius.”

“It goes on forever!”

“Then you’ll just have to go on forever, or you’re not that smart.”

“I’m leaving,” Leo said. “This is ridiculous.”

“Then you’re no genius!” Mr. Smith yelled as Leo got up to leave. Then he said in a singsong voice, “Leo’s not a genius! Leo’s not a genius!”

“Whatever, you freak,” Leo said, and walked out of the room while Mr. Smith giggled and stuck out his tongue.

From IQ Test #2: Ritchie Johnson

Ritchie Meets Mr. Smith

Ritchie turned the knob and pushed open the door with his foot, squeezing through the frame. Inside, a thirty- something- year old man sat in a chair at the end of a long wooden table. “Hello,” Ritchie said. “I’m Ritchie. You must be Mr. Smith?”

“I’m surprised you got my name right, you pretentious stuck up jerk.”

Ritchie was taken aback. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me, you stuck up intellectual piece of garbage! I’m just as smart as you are!”

What’s Mr. Smith’s Favorite Holiday?

Next question- what’s my favorite holiday?”

“Christmas?” Asked Ritchie.

“No!” Mr. Smith yelled. “You got it right! Now I look stupid!” Mr. Smith suddenly jumped up from his chair and ran to the door, but struggled with the knob. “Dammit,” Mr. Smith swore loudly. “I always have trouble with door knobs.”

“Are you ok?” Asked Ritchie. “How did you even get in here if you can’t open doors?”

“I had the Librarian help me. I never remember to push the door open after turning the knob,” Mr. Smith leaned on the door. “There we go. Goodbye now!”

From Mr. Smith #3: McDonald’s

Leo and Ritchie Figure Out Mr. Smith Is Their Server

Leonard and Ritchie approached the register. “Hello, sir,” Said Leo. “We’d like two orders of a big Mac and large fries.”

Mr. Smith stayed turned around with his hat over his eyes, not saying anything.

“Hello?” Asked Leo. “Can you hear me?”

“Can you hear me?” Mr. Smith mocked.

“Excuse me?” Leo said, shocked.

“Excuse me?” Mr. Smith repeated.

“Wait, I know your voice,” Said Ritchie. “Leo, that’s that guy who gave us our IQ tests.”

“Mr. Smith, is that you?” Leo asked.

Mr. Smith turned around slowly, pulling his hat further down to cover his face. “No,” He said, using a deeper tone to disguise his voice.

“We know it’s you,” Leo said, laughing. “Please take our order, we just want our food.”

Mr. Smith takes Leo and Ritchie’s order

“What do you want, snobs?” Asked Mr. Smith.

“Two big macs-“ Leo began.

“Two big cats, and?”

“Two big macs and two large fries, not two big CATS,” Leo corrected.

“We don’t serve big macs, only big cats,” Said Mr. Smith. “Or if you want I could find you a rat from the back and put it on a burger. We have an infestation.”

“How about two cheeseburgers and two large fries instead,” Said Leo.

“Ok,” Mr. Smith said, typing that into the register. “That’ll be two thousand dollars.”

“What?” Asked Leo.

“Two thousand dollars.”

“That’s not how much it should cost.” Leo argued.

“Yes it is. If you can’t do the math, maybe you’re NOT a genius. Maybe your IQ IS a level 10 like I said in my report.”

“My IQ is a level 190, YOU are probably the one with a level 10,” Said Leo.

“Leo’s obviously right,” Said Ritchie.

“Stuck up intellectual snobs!” Yelled Mr. Smith, pounding his fist on the counter.

“Please calm down, and charge us a reasonable amount,” Said Leo.

“Fine,” Mr. Smith pouted. “That’ll be $25.99.”

From Mr. Smith #4: Mr. Smith Goes To College

Leo’s Sarcasm:

Mr. Smith gasped when he saw who sat in the front. It was Leo and Ritchie. “YOU!” He yelled. “Not YOU TWO again! Oh no!”

Leo and Ritchie groaned. The professor said, “Please don’t interrupt my class. The three of you, come sit in the front next to Leo and Ritchie where I can keep an eye on you.”

“But I don’t LIKE them,” Mr. Smith whined. “They’re smarter than me.”

“You’re so childish,” Leo mumbled under his breath.

“What did you say?” Mr. Smith asked. “Why don’t you share it with the whole class, huh, you PUNK?!”

“I’m good,” Said Leo with a laugh.

Leo Tries To Explain Plato’s Allegory of the Cave To Mr. Smith:

“It’s Plato,” Said the professor. “Do you know what Plato’s philosophy is?”

“I know from what you said.”

“Which is?”

“That it’s better to live in a cave because the real world is scary.”

“That’s wrong,” Said the professor. “Leo, I’m certain you can explain Plato’s philosophy to Mr. Smith?”

“I’ll try my best. He doesn’t listen,” Said Leo.

“I listen,” Mr. Smith countered.

“Sure you do. Plato teaches the allegory of the cave, that man is blind to the truth and can only be liberated by leaving the cave and recognizing the truth.”

“Why would anyone leave the cave?” Asked Mr. Smith. “I would like to live in a cave, and be one with nature like the bears. I really like bears.”

“That’s not what I’m saying. See, he doesn’t listen.” Leo said.

From Mr. Smith #5: Mr. Smith Becomes A Missionary

Mr. Smith Knocks on Leo and Ritchie’s Door

Mr. Smith knocked on the door. “Have you heard the good news? Jesus Christopher died-“ Then the door opened, and Mr. Smith paused upon seeing who stood there. “YOU AGAIN!” He yelled. “Oh no!”

Leonard sighed. “No, it’s YOU again. What do you want? My boyfriend and I are in the middle of studying.”

“Your… BOYFRIEND?!” Asked Mr. Smith. “Like, two boys that are friends?”

“No, we’re more than friends,” Said Leo, as Ritchie came to the door.

Leo and Ritchie Learn the Homophobe/ Transphobe Mr. Smith’s Real Name:

“What’s going on?” Asked Ritchie.

“You two are LIVING IN SIN!” Mr. Smith yelled. “REAL men don’t date other men! I know it says it here somewhere-“ Mr. Smith flipped desperately through the Bible in search of a passage to prove himself right.

“You’re not a real man, though,” Said Amy.

“Yes I am!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“But you have a girl’s name!” Susan exclaimed. “Your parents named you Petunia! That’s why everyone calls you Mr. Smith!”

“Your name is Petunia?” Asked Ritchie, giggling.

“My parents thought I was going to be a girl. I was born in the hospital of the puppy farm and the doctor forgot to check to see what my sex really was. My parents only figured it out a few weeks later, and then it was too late to change my birth certificate.”

“Oh my God, that’s hilarious,” Said Leo. “You’re saying we’re not real men, but you have a woman’s name.”

“Shut up!” Mr. Smith yelled. “At least I have TWO girlfriends!”

“We’re not your girlfriends,” Amy said.

“Yeah, we actually think you’re creepy,” Susan said.

“This is NOT why we’re here,” Mr. Smith said. “Jesus DIED for YOUR sins on the letter t!” He yelled.

“The letter t?” Asked Leo. He and Ritchie giggled.

“Yes, the lowercase letter t!” Mr. Smith yelled. “I paid attention in church that one time, so I know!”

“You never went to church,” Said Amy. “You just flipped through the Bible before we started going door to door so it would seem like you knew what you were talking about.”

“You don’t even go to church and you’re a missionary?” Asked Ritchie. “Let me guess. Your Dad blackmailed the church into giving you this job?”

“The pastor was stealing food from the food drive and my Dad took pictures of the pastor eating it in his car in the church parking lot. He had to pay us.” Mr. Smith explained.

“Once again you’re in a job you’re not qualified to do. You barely read the Bible.” Said Leo.

“Shut up, ATHEIST!” Mr. Smith yelled.

“Ok, PETUNIA!” Leo shot back. Mr. Smith gasped.

“You’re mean!” He yelled, stamping his foot.

#most iconic leo and ritchie moments #cute gay couple #we love a gay genius king #idiocy montage #leo and ritchie #ritchie making mr. smith look stupid #leo the sarcastic king