myname-is-eli-blog

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Camp

Im going go a place called Action Camp on Monday and im very excited due to the fact that its like a queer camp and so for five days ill be called by my correct name and pronouns.

Being in queer safe spaces bring me such a relief its almost crazy honestly, i dont even really realize just how freaked out i am about just being around here until im in a safe space and i can physically feel the weight leave my chest.

On another note i have pretty bad social anxiety so im a little nervous as there are gonna be like a lot of people there and i only know 3 of them. Alas, its still something i think ill get past because the excitement i feel i believe is enough to shut up all the doubts in my mind.

-Eli: 10:43am 08/02/19

[myname-is-eli-blog]

My sister wanted to take pictures of me yesterday, who goal for the year is to turn me into an e-boy. Im a model now my dudes.

-Eli: 11:16am 07/29/19

#ftm transgender #transboy #transgender #trans #ftm #pictures

[myname-is-eli-blog]

if you are a trans mlm...

-it’s ok to want to feel soft or vulnerable.

-it’s ok to be rowdy and hypermasculine.

-it’s ok to have ‘feminine’ qualities.

-it’s ok if you don’t pass fully.

-it’s ok if you can’t bind or don’t want to bind.

-it’s ok if you don’t want to date other trans mlm. don’t let anyone pressure you because of a preference.

-it’s ok to dye your hair or wear skirts/dresses. your clothing is your choice.

-it’s ok to have a high or androgynous voice.

-it’s ok to be pre-t.

-it’s ok to be a punk, a jock or an artist.

we can get through this together!

[myname-is-eli-blog]

I feel not good and it has nothing to do with my dysphoria for once which is good but since its not that i don’t know how to address it. Thats fun.

-Eli: 10:23am 07/24/19

#ftm transgender #transboy #transgender #trans #ftm

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Im sick :)

So, for the last couple months i have been extremely sick i guess. I can’t really keep down that much food and when i can it’s barely enough, i have lost about 8-10 pounds which is fine except i already dont weigh that much so its a lot. Uhhh, my blood sugar levels and my iron levels have been up and down a lot which is really weird. I get dizzy and extremely tired when im up and around too much.

Ive been to the hospital 4 times in the last 2 months to do tests and an ultrasound, they were looking for tumours or obstructions, i have niether which is good but still leaves us with no idea whats wrong. They are taking my past injuries and trauma into consideration now which ill touch up on later but i have these things called Atonic siezures? which basically looks like im passing out and i have no idea what that has to do with my stomach, iron levels, and sugar levels but you know. Whatever. I went back to the hospital at like midnight last night because i had a high fever and wouldn’t stop getting sick (keeping in mind i didnt eat much yesterday so like, it hurt?). I was there till like 3am, had an IV fluid and they let my fever go down on its own. They didnt think it was related to whatever else is coming on and instead believes it was just a stomach virus but i dont know.

Today is my sisters birthday though, and im going to go see the Lion King with her and my mom because we planned on it long before my crappy immune system got in the way so hopefully that will be fun. Yeah, anyways, i hope they figure out whats wrong because im going to a camp in a couple weeks for 5 days and if im still like.. well this... i cant go but im realllyyy looking forward to it.

-Eli: 11:11am 07/21/19

#transboy #ftm transgender #trans #transgender #sick #hospital #🙄🙄🙄

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Binding

I bind everyday, and i need to stop. It’s starting to hurt a lot but i hate not binding it makes me so... it makes me disconnect or get extremely frustrated because i cant really pass at all with my chest like... well that. I dont know, i know i need to start taking bigger breaks from my binder so i dont hurt myself but i dont like what it does to me mentally.

-Eli: 8:39am 07/19/19

#ftm transgender #transboy #trans #transgender #binding #binder

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Reaching out

My ex texted me yesterday. It made my body tense up and made me sick to my stomach. The notification anyways.

They wanted to know if i was okay, i guess my friends were concerned about me and my ex was in Canada but they just got back and upon being told that i was off they texted me i guess? I dont know. The truth is that mentally, i am okay. I mean dysphoria, anxiety, that stuff of course but other than that i have been pretty okay. But i am sick, i have been sick for a while now i just never brought it up because im just so tired of it. So i told them that, because it was true. The only problem im having is that im sick and ive been sick and its taking a toll on my life socially.

I dont have the energy to go out and hang with friends for too long, i get tired, i get dizzy, and i get like... weird if that makes sense.

Anyways thats all they wanted to know, and then they started talking to me about their family in Canada. They said they felt like they needed to tell me that stuff because i was the one who introduced them into the idea of how important it was to be connected to family. I have a big family and they do too just not around here. So naturally i was way more connected and since i dated them for 11 months, i had them interact with my family a lot. I guess im proud of that, of helping them become comfortable with the idea of family and how important it is to have connections to them and where you came from. It just threw me off gaurd, i havent talked to them in like 3 weeks, and i havent texted them in over a month. So them reaching out just threw me off, and i dont know if it was good or bad. But i do know that last night i slept better than i have in a while. I missed them im not going to lie and because of that i have been restless. They were my best friend, and my SO, and i just miss the friend part. I hope this means they are slightly more inclined to interacting with me but if not, thats okay too. Ive for the most part learned to live without them, but id rather not.

-Eli: 11:14am 07/18/19

#transboy #transgender #trans #ftm transgender #ftm #relationships #ex relationship #emotional whiplash #healing

[myname-is-eli-blog]

My family

It’s something i have to remind myself of often, i cant get mad at my family for deadnaming me and using the wrong pronouns. Why? because they don’t know that they are doing that. Now i could come out, I am 16, if they disagree with it or try to kick me out because of it, i know i can survive without them. But alas, i dont want to. I love my family, they love me, i just dont know if they’ll entirely remain loving me or accepting me should i tell them that i am a boy. It sucks that fear is keeping me in the closet and i don’t know how long it will be able to keep me there. The dysphoria that overtakes me when im around them is insane and it does a number on my mind. I just hope that when i do come out to them, it doesn’t also mean saying goodbye to any of them.

-Eli: 8:07pm 7/10/19

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Contact Your Representative and Tell Them To Fight Against Trump’s Camps

Additionally, if you can see if you can donate money to these organizations

Lawyersforgoodgoverment.com

fairfightbondfund.org

lgbtqfund.org

communitybondproject.org

immigrantfamilies.org

freedomforimmigrants.org

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Where are safe and reliable places to find reviews for trans products (such as hard packers, mainly)?

The blog @packer-reviews has some reviews up, and you might try checking the blogs and links they’ve posted. The blog is now dead and marked as sensitive, but it still has posts.

Some of the blogs they’ve posted:

@transreviews is another one that is dead but that still has posts.

@lifeftm another dead one but that still has posts

 @transprosthetics is semi-active but has moved offsite since it was marked as sensitive

The resources we posted here may have more product reviews. You could also try asking at @tmitransitioning to see if they have more resources (I picked up the above blogs from them, but they don’t have any other posts).

Does anyone have more resources on this?

- mod BP

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Sadness with memories

Yesterday, my town had its fourth if july celebration at the lake. I dont know why it was on June 29th, dont ask about that part. I met Dylan on the fourth of july, though, 2 years ago.

I couldn’t help the intense sadness that followed me around at the lake as i remembered the day i met them then. Or the even worst sadness that followed when i remember how differently we spent it last year. Together, happy... together. It was bittersweet as i also was with a lot of friends, some that i hadnt seen in about a year, and another who just kinda... she... i dont know but shes great. It was nice but it was... hard.

On a great note, something that occasionally made me forget Dylan all together, was that i passed very well yesterday. My friend posted me on her story and her boyfriend thought i was another boy (i am but usually im not seen as a boy so fuck yeah) and got mad at her a little but overall said he trusted her, which was a bit to territorial for me but i passed. I came out to more people, and that same friends mom asked me what my preferred name was, she said she wasnt gonna call her “adopted offspring by the wrong name” (Adopted offspring is an inside joke between us). I felt more masculine and passing then i ever had. And the best part of the night was when me and my friend went to a secluded part of the lake and found THE BEST place to watch the fireworks. She’s pretty, and nice. She’s a year younger than me, and she makes me very happy. The only person who fully just makes Dylan leave my mind is her for some reason, so watching the fireworks with her, thankfully my mind never wandered to them. But yesterday made me realize.... Im not over them, and i miss them... a lot and it makes me upset but alas... all good things come to an end.

-Eli: 3:25pm 06/30/19

[myname-is-eli-blog]

[myname-is-eli-blog]

I took these at the lake in my town, 1 of 2. It was a good day. I played with a puppy, and played soccer. Watched the wwc. I walked around town for a while too, wandering. Thats all i really do now, wander around my town, usually alone, until i get a text or until i get thirsty and need to head home.

Thau Hod, Ai Ste Oden

-Eli: 6/28/19

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Steps in my Transition

Recently i’ve done multiple things to go foward with passing as a boy. i got a binder, threw out all of my feminine clothing, cut my hair short, changed my name, started to work on deepening my voice. Its helped alleviate a lot of dysphoria. However my bottom dysphoria is my new obstacle. i dont know how to fix that, packing im assuming.

I dont know how to officially pack correctly, i think im going to watch Ash’s youtube video on it sometime when im not surrounded with my family. Not out to them yet. For now i do with what i have. Its kinda hard, it makes me wonder how anyone who doesnt have dysphoria would want this. To be trans. I wouldn’t choose this for anything, not going to lie. Dysphoria sucks. Feeling trapped in your own body sucks. Being trans just kinda sucks. Regardless, once again, i do with what i have.

Ai Gonplei Nau Stau Oden

-Eli: 10:12pm 6/26/19

#Transboy #trans #dysphoric #Dysphoria #Struggles

[myname-is-eli-blog]

Who i am.

I have a list of common questions and things i’m going to answer as a way for you guys to get to know me better. Some are just little things like color and movies but down at the bottom are some mental things i struggle with to further solidify my perception of everyday life. If you have other questions for me that arent on this list, feel free to ask them.

1. What is your name?

Eli (i dont have a middle name) Avila

2. How old are you?

16

3. When is your birthday?

May 2nd

4. What is your favorite color?

Yellow

5. Favorite movie?

The Hate U Give or Avengers: Endgame

6. Favorite show/tv series?

Grey’s Anatomy, The 100, and Euphoria

7. Favorite type of music?

No idea, Pop, R&B, and some Rap, also i like any type of sad music

8. Favorite Album?

Camila Cabello by Camila Cabello or Hopeless Fountain Kingdom by Halsey

9. Favorite song?

Out Of Love by Alessia Cara

10. Favorite singer?

Camila, Kehlani, or Jessie Reyes

11. Favorite author?

Fuck bro idk

12. Favorite book?

The Book Thief

13. How do you pass time?

I paint, draw, watch tv, or hang out with my buddies

14. How do you slow down time?

Think, focus, read (this speeds up time but in my mind its slower and i love that)

15. How is your love life?

My Partner of a year broke up with me about 2 months ago and then asked a girl out a month later and that didnt work so yesterday they asked out a boy to go to Culvers.... in front of me.... knowing i was also going to Culvers... I dont really care who they date but its more the blatant disrespect and seemingly the need to hurt me thhat kinda took me aback. However, i’m actually talking to a couple people, but i’m not dating currently, i dont want to date someone thinking i like them, only for them to turn into a rebound, thats not fair to them.

16. What Grade am i in?

This year i will be a Junior in Highschool

17. What am i doing after highschool?

2 years in community college, four years in a university, then law school.

18. After college?

Hopefully ill work my way up to becoming an attorney.

19. Where do i see myself 10-20 years from now?

Hopefully im an attorney or almost there, hopefully i have kids.

20. Any regrets?

Dating my partner, and my ex girlfriend. i shouldnt date.

21. Biggest fear?

Losing control

22. Favorite Season?

Autumn

23. Favorite weather?

Rain and storms

24. Zodiac sign?

Taurus

25. Are you a morning or a night person?

Neither, during the summer i sleep early and wake up late. But i get more grumpy late at night than i do early in the morning.

26. What is your biggest insecurity?

My voice.

27. How many siblings do you have?

6

28. How many kids do you want?

I dont know, but i do want some

29. How many partners have you had?

2

30. What makes you angry?

Mixed signals, and people using me to get better then leaving when they realize im not fully better.

Mental Health Questions (it get more personal down here)

31. What mental health problems do you have?

I am diagnosed with Anxiety, Depression, Bipolar disorder, and PTSD

32. How does it affect your daily life?

I have anxiety attacks quite often sometimes, i wake up sad occasionally, and i have long stages of mania and depressive episodes that tend to leave me either very depressed or very unpredictable. my ptsd is just kinda random, i have nightmares and sensory flashbacks. But i learn to cope with all of this.

33. Do you know where they come from?

Yeah, first three are genetic. PTSD comes from My ex Vicky, (not my most recent, the one before that), and a night i messed up by wandering around my town alone at 4am (story for a different time)

34. Any triggers?

Yeah but i struggle to identify a lot of them

35. Do you talk to someone about them?

yes i have a therapist named Melissa, shes lovely

36. Do you take any medication?

No my mom doesnt like what it does to me..

37. How has trauma affect your daily life?

I have random triggers, i zone out a lot, i have panic attacks, other things. i struggle to focus, and i stuggle to fall and stay asleep.

38. How are you today (or in general)?

As of lately, i am fairly okay. Things with Dylan (lets say thats my ex, real name filtered for privacy) have got me confused. I see them every week, and i dont mind seeing them, but sometimes it leaves me hella hurt afterwards and i dont know why. i guess im not over them like i thought. Also, i dated them before i realized and accepted that i was trans, im new to this... but they told me they were gonna break up with me eventually anyways because they aren’t attracted to guys... but now they are talking to another transboy...???

39. How would you recommend other people get help for their mental health needs?

Gosh okay, talk to people, i know it can be scary but communication is key. you need people on your side to get passed all of this. you can do it on your own too, but its so much easier when you have a support system. an actual support system, not just one person, multiple people. Talk, express, question, get and give advice. Stay strong, and im always here to talk if you need it.

40. Are you open to people coming to you for any help that might be needed?

yessss please come to me if you wanna rant or talk, i’ll give you the best i can with what ive experienced or ill just listen if you need to rant but im completely open to it if you need someone to talk to.

-Eli: 9:34pm 6/26/19

#trans #transboy #questions #dysphoric #transgender #genderqueer

[myname-is-eli-blog]

An Introduction

Hello, My name is Eli. I am a boy.

I have to tell myself that about 100 times a day. My name is Eli.

My parents dont call me Eli. My sisters dont either, and niether does my brother. No one in my family calls me Eli, actually. But thats my name, it’s Eli.

My friends call me Eli. They accept the idea of me being born in the wrong body. Given a voice i hate to speak with. Raised as a gender i am not.

Hi, my name is Eli. This is my perception of the world and how i manage to cope with it as a transgender boy.

Understandably, i will probably get lost amongst all the other blogs on here, but i think mine is going to be especially unfiltered. Any questions asked to me will be answered, and everything i feel on any given day will be be typed and posted. I have nothing to hide, apart from my dead name, which could give me away to my peers around me.

Hi, my name is Eli, i am a boy, and i have so much to say and so much to share. So much to express and so much to do. So much to attempt to make those of you who follow me see. I just want to be understood, as myself, i want to be understood. Lastly i want to help anyone and everyone going through the same things i have gone through and am going through.

-Eli: 9:13p.m. 06/24/19

#trans #transboy #transgender #introduction #newblog #my name is eli