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Madrugada, de Crônicas de uma Garota Sonhadora
Queria você aqui comigo, nesta cama, neste quarto escuro. Queria ver a luz do luar iluminar timidamente as curvas do seu rosto. Queria ver seus olhos brilhantes e seu sorriso incrível.
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We sit together on the high deck of the summer house. Our feet dangling over the edge, looking out at the water. She has her arms resting on the middle bar and seems intensely focused on the small cabin across the bay. It was derelict, the dock falling away and the cottage unpainted and weary looking.

I am focused on the large rock across the bay next to the small decrepit cottage. There is a tall flag pole, painted white and naked without a flag. The cicadas sound their cacophonous symphony off in the distance and we say nothing. She is just as lost in thought as I am. She turns her face to me, a smile dancing across her lips before she leans in and slaps me upside the head. I blinked, confused.

“Mosquito,” she murmurs and goes back to staring across the bay.

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Honestly, I’m a little overwhelmed by the possibility that I have no idea what I’m doing. I have a thousand things to do and no real motivation to do them. What I will put above everything else time and time again are matters of the heart. I find this blog helpful (and my new followers in kind) to express these matters in hopes that I will be able to set them aside for a little while so I can go about my day. 

Friday I met up with Julian and if you’re just now joining me, Julian is someone I dated for two months over the summer a short while after I moved here to SoCal. He isn’t the same when I first met him. I put so much on hold thinking I could make myself be in love with him if I really tried hard enough because financially, the future seemed bright. It took me breaking up with him for him to have any sort of real passion for me. I agreed to go to a bar with him for one drink Friday night because he had things to tell me. Mostly he wanted me to know he loved me and that it had been hard watching me from afar these last few months. He wants to be the last person I ever date. It’s nice to be wanted and to see how your very presence makes someone giddy. I agreed to go on an actual date with him Saturday afternoon to the zoo. When we dated the first time, we never went out. He seldom paid for things. Now he’s trying to wine and dine me. 

I had already agreed to a Tinder date Saturday morning for a hike. I chose the place, a busy hikes and one of my favorites in the area. His name is Rainer. When I showed up he was heavier than his pictures and teeth like piranhas. Not pointy but certainly came three inches out of his mouth whenever he smiled. The conversation started awkwardly silent as I had designed but quickly fell into what I lovingly dub the “good cop mode.” Making someone feel warmly comfortable answering all of my quaint interrogations. We spoke at length about his life and the things he’d done without ever revealing much about my life. A typical first date in my world. The hike had him out of breath but that’s probably because I walked the five miles at record speed to get the fuck out of there. 

I drove straight to the zoo. I was annoyed by Julian’s initial presence. He always a bit lost. Never really ever having to figure things out for himself. His brother is moving to the other side of the country and his family is following suit and this will be the first time he’s ever had to look for a place to live by himself. I find it all sadistically amusing as I’ve been alone on my adventures since I was 17. It took food and a beer to get me into the correct headspace to make the time at the zoo comfortable for him. Falling into pace and taking him out of his comfort zone only by insisting we take the stairs instead of the elevator. Even that one simple act of comfort for him annoys me. If I had no other choices, I could marry him. For no other reason than I could own him, he would be loyal but he’d think he’d own me financially. 

I don’t love him. The whole time, every day actually, I’m thinking of someone else. Looking at my phone to see if he’s messaged me. Imagining what life would be like if he was around more. Hearing songs and thinking of him. I have an affinity for men who aren’t around. Childhood trauma or some shit though I do not register that I have father issues. My dad is great, a hard worker and provides for his family regardless of any situation. He did leave for a year and a half for work when I was in elementary school and when he came back I had developed a stuttering problem and food issues. I didn’t know any of this until I went back home this last time. It does make a lot of sense but I didn’t think I was that weak. 

Scott, though. Scott is 29-years-old with auburn-ish hair styled meticulously modern. I am a very big fan of the way he styles it and how it flows neatly into his red beard which is also finely groomed. I can appreciate how he takes care of his appearance. His skin pale, probably easily burned, a perfect accent to his large dark brown eyes. Nordic or Irish maybe. German? Coupled with the fact that his last name is hispanic so there’s a sort of spicy mystery in his face. He’s taller and bigger than me which is difficult since I’m not a small woman. He makes me feel small though, in the best way possible. He’s obviously strong with muscular arms that draws one’s attention to his very well placed tattoos. His voice like rough grainy honey you’d want to drip on everything you ever eat again. The color of the tone in his voice matches everything else about him and it would make anyone feel warm and obliging. Like a trap of which I am a willing victim.

Of course he doesn’t live here 10 months out of the year. I speak to him daily. He makes me laugh every day. He says the best things and I didn’t realize how much I needed someone to talk to who had no stake in my future success, owed nothing to yet cared, is supportive and knows exactly how isolating life is sometimes. I want him. I obviously say this a lot. Especially if you’ve seen past blog posts you understand that my yearns for something, someone, every other week and it’s always the same. I’ve fallen too hard, too fast and end up alone looking like the idiot. This feels different though it’ll never happen. Or what I want won’t happen anytime soon. 

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everything I say these days comes down to, “Actually listen to people”, but I just want to say that the person who cries the loudest isn’t automatically the one suffering the most. Some people keep their pain to themselves for a plethora of reasons (which are all perfectly valid, even though they can sometimes hurt us more in the long run). That doesn’t mean they should be dismissed. Doesn’t give you the right to assume they’re perfectly fine. 

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He was simply exhausted. The funeral had been tiresome. People and their condolences over his daughter. He didn’t want to hear anymore. He comes home to an empty house. He sits down in the breakfast nook, and stares at the tabletop for a moment. His phone had been vibrating in his pocket intermittently throughout the funeral and even now. He reaches into his pocket and sighs.

His phone is filled with text messages from friends concerned, and more condolences. He is too mentally exhausted to read them all. He presses DELETE ALL and goes to put the phone down. One message is left behind. A voicemail. It’s a last message from his daughter, left before she passed and it is still marked as ‘new’. He would have to listen to it in order to delete it, so he plays it. Her voice sounds in his ear, and she simply says,

“Hey dad, I just wanted to let you know that I’m okay, and I’m home now.”

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Who my boyfriend is versus who I am

He calls himself an artist and I am just fat.

I’m in a really bad place today mentally.

I don’t want to wake up tomorrow and face the world. Work is so exhausting.

I just want to rest. I need to sleep and spend some time doing nothing. I really need it, but until Friday… it’s going to be a hard week. I already hate it.

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I need help. I'm confused and scared. Okay, to start, my name is Katie. This can go out to anyone. I've been dating this boy, we'll call him Flannel, for almost 2 months now, but we've known each other/were flirting for a while before that. Honestly, we're in love. We've confessed that, and the more time I spend with him, the more in love I fall with him. Here's my issue: before I started dating him, I had been talking to this guy, we'll call him TN, for a few months. It's hard to explain (1/4)

my relationship with TN, but we were on and off again kinda with how we felt. I fell in love with him, but he lived in a different state so it was all online. He said he couldn’t do long distance and it broke my heart. I moved on, and eventually found Flannel. I had never loved anyone more than I did TN, but now I feel like I’m more in love with Flannel, and it’s insane how in love I am with him. I’m young, but I want a future with him. God, I love him. Anyways, so here’s the issue: lately, TN and I have started to talk again. It’s nothing too much, just as best friends, on snapchat. Sometimes I’ll send a pretty pic to TN because I’m bored, though, and the compliments start flowing in. He then starts to flirt with me, and I kinda flirt back?? Like it’s fun, but then I start to feel guilty. I feel like it’s not cheating, but at the same time, if I wasn’t doing something wrong, I wouldn’t be feeling this kind of guilt, right? Am I cheating? I never intend to hurt Flannel when I’m doing it, sometimes I’m just having a little bit of fun. I don’t send TN *those* kinds of pictures anymore because I know THAT’S wrong. I don’t know. It upsets me a lot. I love Flannel with all my heart, I think it’s just that TN was the first person I ever felt that way with and now it’s weird having it again with someone different… I don’t know,,, please help!

Hey Katie, Sam here.

It can definitely be tough to navigate different relationships, especially as some are developing and some are more complicated than others, so I completely understand why you’re feeling confused. First of all, I want you to know that starting up a friendship with TN again certainly isn’t wrong, and if you like talking to him, I don’t think you necessarily have to stop. When it comes to flirting with him though, it becomes a bit more difficult. Cheating isn’t really an easy thing to define, and it usually depends on how your partner (in this case, Flannel) would feel if they found out about it. Do you think Flannel would be upset by the things that you say to/talk about with TN? If you think the answer to that is yes, then I would say that it’s better for your relationship with Flannel to cut off that sort of communication with TN. If you think Flannel would be alright with those kinds of conversations, you can go on from there.

Also, it’s really hard for us to get over the first people that we really feel deeply for, so I totally get why you still kind of feel that way towards TN even though you’ve been with Flannel and care about him so much. It’s okay that those feelings don’t really go away – we’ll always have a little sliver of that for the people that made a big impact and were really important to us. But remember that your relationship didn’t work out with TN for a reason, and if you’re happy with Flannel, I think that’s something you want to work on preserving.

I hope that helps.

Always keep fighting,

Sam

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