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You can’t really see it from the picture, but I really love the words on my shirt.

“I am somebody’s reason to smile. I am somebody’s happiness.”

(Also decided not to wear cat ears for this photo, just because)

~~~~~💌~~~~~

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Monologue Entry #15

Maturity and friendship is based on your ability to take responsibility for your actions as well as acknowledging the stem of them and the hurt you obtain from others. If you can’t do both you’re narcissitic, insensitive and manipulative and people like that don’t have a place in my life. Don’t expect my sympathy if you can’t be remorseful, and don’t expect my loyalty if you don’t understand my pain as well as yours. I don’t have room for toxic people and those who only know how to reuse the victim card. Do me a favour and don’t talk to me again, i’m sick of your childishness. Its unbecoming.

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a text to my ex (that i never sent)

you know, i hope you understand that i really hate you. i hope that registers. my hatred for you and everything you stand for and every memory that i can’t shake of you. you haunt me. and i hate you for it.

i hope you understand how much of a shitty person you are. and i don’t even feel sorry for being so mean. you deserve it. because for months, i have been consumed in this bottomless pit of depression and heartbreak. and you have been fine. hell, you even moved on. and i haven’t moved a single inch. for months. i have been eaten alive by emotions that i never asked for nor deserved to feel. all because of you. i don’t feel sorry for how mean and rude i am being. i don’t feel sorry for typing this out. and if i send it, i don’t feel sorry for that either. i don’t feel sorry for the fact that you assumed life without me would be so happy for you. so peaceful and free of whatever it is i caused you. and now, i get to hear about your suffering. don’t get me wrong. i’m not perfect. nor am i better off. i am still suffering, if not more than i was. but now i get to hear a bunch of i told you so’s in my head, from your expensive apartment and furniture and car and tax debt i told you to pay. but fuck me right? life will be better with her gone right? i don’t feel sorry.

even though i still for some fucked up reason love you. i don’t fucking feel sorry for you. i hate you. i despise you.

we went and saw coldplay 3 years ago from today.

the girl from 3 years ago. man, would she have been fucking surprised to hear about how her future went. and how her prince charming turned out to be a heartless, careless, alcohol-obsessed stranger. how upset she would be. how heartbroken. but it would have saved her the pain. i wish i could warn her. i wish i could convince her to leave and live her own life. and be herself. if there was one wish granted to me right now, that would be it.

a couple months ago, my one wish was for you to come to your senses and love me again. but what a waste of a wish that would have been.

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I haven’t had very good luck with dating. Over and over again I meet someone and either we just don’t have any chemistry at all or I find out something about them that I just can’t live with. I finally met a wonderful woman that I want to spend my life with, and she comes with her own deal-breaker. Is it just me?

She’s smart, funny, beautiful, and artistic. She writes poems and lyrics and composes music. She volunteers at a half dozen organizations around the city, and she really likes my cooking and laughs at my jokes. What she doesn’t do is make any money. At all.

It isn’t like I have expensive tastes, honestly the dole would be enough for me too. It’s just that I don’t see why she doesn’t even try to sell any of her work. Whenever I ask, she just says she doesn’t care about the money and doesn’t want the distraction. But even if she doesn’t want the money, shouldn’t she be pushing to improve her work and expand her audience?

I don’t know why it bothers me so much. I just don’t understand her.

- content or stagnant?

Creating a thing, making the thing popular, and making money from the thing are three very different activities with three very different skill sets and it’s a rare person who in genuinely gifted in all three and rarer still for a person to genuinely enjoy all three. Between my three wives, my two husbands, and myself, only Mana could make a claim to having that complete package. People who only read this column mistake me for an independent creator, but honestly I’m just one of several writers for a church newsletter that got entirely out of hand.

Your wonderful woman might be holding back because of a lack of confidence in her work. She could simply recognize that she doesn’t have the skill or the patience or the energy to produce her work and sell it. Or there’s always the chance she’s being perfectly honest with you and her only priority with her art is creating it.

In any case, unless you’re planning to offer to actually help her find financial success from her work it isn’t any of your business what she does. If the two of you don’t have any grand plans for the future that require more than your basic incomes, it sounds to me like you’re just looking for an excuse to sabotage things between you.

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What am I suppose to do. Am I not meant for the women I choose? Or anyone? I’m convinced more and more everyday I gave up my future with you. We had it lined up then I chickened out. It was so easy together. I don’t understand, when I’m all in I’m left with nothing.

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Hey so I’m in a small group of friends and we are all pretty close, the problem is I think I’m getting feelings for one of the friends and I have a suspicion he might too, though I could be completely wrong. If the feeling was mutual of course I would want to go further with it but I’m scared that if that was to happen it could ruin the group and make things awkward. I have no idea what to do and no idea if he feels the same. Help??

Finding out if he feels the same?Just ask him out on a date and you’ll have your answer.

As far as the fear with ruining the friend group: Look, that is a completely valid concern, but it is also avoidable as long as at least one of you can act like mature adults if things go sour. That means no passive aggressiveness, no open anger, and no hard feelings. Basically, if you dont do anything that would make your friends feel weird, then it wont hurt the friend group.

If you dont think you or him can act mature if things go bad, then it’s probably a bad idea to be dating him. You dating him is hardly going affect your friend group and they will get used to things no matter how they go. It also isn’t going to hurt your friendship with anyone in the group and will only do so if you yourself hurt your relationship with individuals in the group.

I’m saying all of this from experience. I dated someone in my close tightknit friend group, things didn’t work out and not a single thing changed in the friend group and no ones attitude towards me or towards each other changed because we were able to act like adults.

Wishing you the best and feel free to write in again if you have any more questions.

Posted August 24, 2019


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The world keeps moving so very fast

It’s hard to keep track

Of my mind

My heart

I don’t know where to start

My brain feels like clutter and my heart low inside

Trust yourself to make the right decision where it feels like I’m on a mission

To calm my mind just take a deep breath

It’s all worth it in the end

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