originalzin

[originalzin]

TMNT has been trending in my mind lately.

[originalzin]

[originalzin]

TW: Suicidal Ideation, Religious Trauma

I never thought I'd live this long, and it's a trip to be coming up on my 36th birthday. I was brought up in cults and so many different brands of fundamentalist, evangelical, right-wing Christianity. I was raised to believe I was, like all people, fundamentally disgusting, corrupt, and worthy of eternal torture.

I absolutely despised myself. I policed my own thoughts because God already knew them, and I was terrified that I would die with some unknown sin on my heart and be damned. Having thoughts about wanting to be a girl sure didn't fucking help my "Oh shit I am *specifically* fucked up more than other people" thought process.

More than once, I tried to follow the Bible's instructions and gouge my own eye out to keep myself from sinning. I remember sitting on my shag carpet, hyperventilating, trying to work up the courage, telling myself it would be over quick and that it was better than burning forever. I couldn't bring myself to do it.

I began to give God excuses to kill me. I would do increasingly reckless things, praying the whole time and telling him if now was the time he wanted to call me home, that was okay. I remember one particularly bad night in college, when things were so intense I just couldn't take it any more, I went out to the street by the school and laid in the road.

It was three AM or so. I laid there like ten minutes and nothing came.

I always told myself I didn't deserve to live past my early 30's. Jesus didn't get to, and he lived a perfect life; how could I live that far guilt-free? The shame alone would kill me. Couple that with the constant apocalyptic teachings that I got to swallow from birth, and I expected the world was kind of going to come to a fiery end sometime soon anyway.

I left the church when I was 26, and it was a gradual process filled with tears and lost loved ones. Suddenly, I was mostly alone and staring down the barrel of a life I was kind of expecting not to be there.

What do you do with that?

I finally had to reckon with my gender shit, because shocker, it turned out that part of me wasn't inherently evil. It was like starting from scratch. I tore my worldview down to the bricks and started over.

I could never have imagined I'd have the life I do now.

I'm poor, my career never went anywhere, I have very little relationship with my blood family, and still I am surrounded by so much love from people who have proved my old churches wrong again and again. There's so much good in people.

I came out as trans at 31. Sometimes, your life is just starting in your 30's, and that's okay.

There's lots of us out here. You're going to be okay. We'll figure it out together.

You know what people don’t talk about often enough? Playing catch up in life after spending your teens or early 20s suicidally depressed. There’s so many more layers than just being able to say “I don’t want to die anymore.”

The difficulty in academia or a career after spending years thinking you wouldn’t be alive long enough for any of it to matter.

The exhaustion that comes from self awareness and self soothing, with the constant voice in your head saying “don’t go backwards.”

How lonely it is to watch the people your age starting families when you’re just barely learning what stable relationships are, and the sudden societal pressure of being “up against a clock” for these kinds of things.

The judgement from others if you change your image or interests this late in the game just because you finally figured out who you really are under the demons.

Be kind to those who are developing and blooming after years of not planning on being here long. We are living a life we absolutely didn’t think we’d have, and it’s hard enough without society reminding us there’s expectations of our age.

We didn’t get to be young; we were too busy fighting battles few know.

-

[originalzin]

anyway all that to say that if you’re a dropout if you have shit grades if you go to an alt school and are looked down on for it if you’re in your 5th or 6th or whatever year of high school if you’re still getting your GED if you’re taking night classes if you missed out on “universal” high school experiences if you were abused by your peers (because make no mistake, that’s what bullying is) if you were expelled if you were truant every single year if you were homeschooled and got sick of the jokes if you never attended a full week if the whole world treats you like the scum of the earth all because of your high school experience or lackthereof you’re not alone. there’s so many of us that have been beaten down and broken by the school systems we’re subject to and the hostility they breed and the abusive environments they foster. some day we won’t have to be treated like objects of pity or contempt to be swept aside but until then we have each other

[originalzin]

After finding out we might actually get trans Vivian for real in the TTYD remake, I couldn't not draw her. Here's a free Vivian emote. Go nuts. <3

#vivian ttyd #vivian #trans #transgender #emote #lgbtqiia+

[originalzin]

ive been thinking about this video quite literally since i saw it 3 weeks ago

[originalzin]

Got to do an emote for the lovely @ayviedoesthings and draw her precious kitty~ Thanks so much~ 💙💙💙

#furry #catgirl #art #emote #cat #commission

[originalzin]

This was funnier in my head. Happy 4/20

[originalzin]

Quiet morning

[originalzin]

Dragon HRT Part 19:

??? months

Start - Prev - Next

[originalzin]

So you're being put up to deplatforming someone you don't personally have beef with? It seems like something you could just keep your nose out of and stop promoting rather than enforcing the social media penal system by posting about it.

Lmao I'm not being put up to anything. You've got a lot of big opinions, but I can choose for myself who I do and don't reblog, and I don't have to hate anybody to do it. 😌 If you wanna sit and be mad about some stranger on the internet and who she does or doest hit that share button on, be my guest, bestie.

Couldn't be me. There's way more important shit to occupy my headspace.

[originalzin]

Your local dog girl is trying her best~

#trans #transgender #furry #dog girl #anthro #pansexual #polyamourous #pluralgang #acespec

[originalzin]

Why would you stop promoting art you like from someone you forgive who clearly needs it? I dont understand what purpose that serves.

Not my place to forgive. I'm not the person who was wronged.

You can want better for someone without giving them a platform.

[originalzin]

puppychan?

There's a lot of threads that can do a lot better job than my uninformed ass in detailing the stuff that went down, but the very abbreviated cliff notes are that he was a twitter artist that got targeted by some chud asshole named Antoons. A bunch of folks (me included) rallied behind him because Antoons was such a horrendous fucking asshole and was going after him for being trans, among other stuff. Anyway, receipts came out and it turned out Puppychan did some real sketchy shit with minors, ditched his account, came back with a new account with a new OC called "Kung-Fu San" and spoke with a generic faux Asian accent in broken English to throw people off the sent that it was him. I want to say that I genuinely hope he's doing better and it was obvious from his posts that he was dealing with some severe mental illness. I have zero desire to pile on a black transmasc person who's gotten a fuckton of hate (some very warranted, some very unwarranted), but I'm also not gonna keep promoting his art.

[originalzin]

wolfertinger666 is puppychan btw

Well that is an unfortunate fuckin' discovery for my morning. I didn't know- thank you for the heads up. I went digging and found his post about it. I hope he's doing okay with his mental health, but I won't be reblogging anything else from him.

[originalzin]

she has a flower for you!

[originalzin]