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patersof · 4 years

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I bring this back again bc I'm so proud of what I wrote 🌼✨

100 Doves

well here's another one of my Paterson one-shots

This is one of the strongest and most personal things I have written so far, I suffer from panic attacks, anxiety attacks and am on medication, so this was based on a day in my life.

And I was alone that day and I felt very bad, and writing this helped me a lot, I hope you like it! ✨❤️

cw// anxiety, panic attacks, medications, depression, attempted self-harm, mental illnesses

Words: 2248

the song that the characters play is 100 Doves by Lady Gaga, in its piano demo version: here is the link✨

youtube

I changed the lyrics of the song a bit so it made more sense in the story, but you should listen to the song!

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-You were sitting on the floor in the living room, you refused to get up, you no longer felt yourself. Sometimes you wondered when you fell into this deep hole.

Medicines, therapies sometimes worked.

But not today.

Today was a breaking point, it was your second day on your new medication for your panic and anxiety attacks. Your psychiatrist had told you the side effects you would have, but you never thought they would be so strong.

You didn't feel your hands, the tics were much stronger, your emotions were running high, you were hyperactive, you wanted to pull your hair out, that feeling was horrible.

There was no one in the room, he and Marvin had gone out for their walk as they did every night. In the same way you did not want to worry him. Much he had done for you, he had not left you at any time, he was always by your side.

But just when he was gone, you were having one of the worst panic attacks of your entire life.

How much you wish he was here, you know it won't be long until he comes back, but you needed him right now.

How much you hate that he doesn't have a damn cell phone.

But another part of you tells you "you can with this alone, you are already a burden for him" you covered your ears with your hands thinking that that voice would go away "get out of there, he no longer wants you in that house, he already got tired of your stupid panic attacks, he got tired of you. Do you think he goes out every day to walk Marvin just because he likes to go out? No, he goes out to get away from you, he doesn't want you there. "

"Shut up!" You screamed, but the voice in your head kept telling you the same thing, your hands kept on your ears pressing them harder and harder “He does love me! he has stayed with me all this time because he cares about me! " you screamed again, your voice echoing through the living room walls, everything getting darker and darker.

“Keep believing that” that voice said mockingly “he feels sorry for you, that's why he's still there, just for that. You have nothing good to offer him, realize one damn time " you started to sob and your breathing began to fail " you are worth nothing, you are not going to achieve anything in this life, you are a failure "

“I am a complete failure, I do not deserve anything , I don't deserve him… ” you said several times whispering and sobbing, with your legs hugging your chest.

You didn't hear the sound of keys coming through the lock on the front door of the house, or Marvin's little claws scratching the door, or his footsteps.

"Pumpkin, I'm home!" Paterson's voice was distant "My love? are you here?" His voice was worried when he didn't hear you answer.

Walking into the living room, Paterson stepped on something, it was your notebook, he had never opened it, he knew it was one of your most precious possessions and it was extremely private, but this time he did not care, if you had left it lying on the floor without any care was because you were very bad.

He opened the last page, and read it. His eyes were closed tightly, he knew he shouldn't leave you alone on the second day of your medication, and less when the day before had been very hard for you.

"Honey, please answer" he said softly looking around the room "Pumpkin I'm here, nothing is going to happen to you, I'm going to take care of you" he started looking for you. Since the two of you had moved into a bigger house after Paterson had been given a better position at work a few months ago you were getting used to the big new house, which had many places to hide, that he didn't like it "My love, I can't help you if I can't find you" he said again softly.

You kept sobbing, you had hidden behind the sofa. Your hands were on your ears, the voices in your head did not let you think clearly. Paterson kept looking for you, around the house without being able to find you.

"Marvin come here!" He called to the dog, his little claws rattled against the wooden floor, he positioned himself at Paterson's feet "Go and find mommy, okay?" He bent down and gave the little dog instructions "And when you find her bark and stay with her, yes boy?" The dog, as if it had understood everything, barked and walked towards the living room.

Marvin started sniffing around the room looking for you, the little dog passed behind the living room sofa and found you. Marvin barked and sat at your feet.

"Did you find her boy?" Paterson's voice came from the bedrooms, Marvin barked again. His footsteps could be heard against the wooden floor, he was walking fast, almost jogging "good boy Marvin, you found mommy " he caressed her ear with affection

He saw you, crouched on the floor with your hands covering your ears, sobbing and shaking, totally weak and exposed.

You hadn't realized anything, you didn't know that Marvin and Paterson were in front of you, you could only hear the voices in your head saying how unsuccessful and useless you were and the beating of your heart going a million kilometers per hour.

The feeling of emptiness in your heart was horrible, you didn't know if it was the lack of your medication, since you refused to take your pills, you didn't even take half your dose.

You refused to feel like a damn robot.

"Pumpkin?" Paterson's voice was distant, he crouched down, he was not near you, he was a meter or so away.

"Shut up, shut up please" you whispered between sobs "I'm worth nothing, I know, but shut the fuck up please"you pulled your hair an then you started screaming and crying.

At that moment Paterson did not wait another second, he ran and hugged you and held you in his arms. You kept screaming

"I DON'T DESERVE TO BE HERE, I DON'T DESERVE ANYTHING!" You wanted to scratch your face, your panic had taken over your rational part.

"Love, it's me, please calm down" Paterson spoke to you softly, you struggled to be able to touch your face, Paterson did not allow it, he took, with one of his hands, with a little force your wrists so that you could not hurt yourself , and with his other arm he had you hugged against his chest. "Pumpkin I'm here, nothing is going to happen to you. I'll take care of you" at that point he began to give you delicate kisses on your head and on your shoulders. "Everything those voices tell you are lies Angel, you are important, you are valuable, you are incredible, you are brave, you are talented, you are worth a lot to me, and you deserve a lot" she kept whispering to you sweetly "I remember the first time I saw you, you were at Doc's bar, you were playing the piano, it was an Aretha Franklin song "A chance is gonna come" Do you remember Pumpkin?” You didn't answer, you were slowly coming to your senses, Paterson kept talking "I remember it very well, you were very beautiful that day, I couldn't take my eyes off you, but what hypnotized me about you was when you closed your eyes and started to play, as if you were alone in that room, nothing shone more than you" he began to caress your hands with affection, your hands were not tense and you could hear his voice much more clearly "From that day i fell in love with you completely" He laughed sweetly.

"Pat? ..." You came to yourself, and you realized that he had returned and you were in his arms.

And it felt like you were at home.

"Here I am my sweet Pumpkin" he said taking your hands and giving them a kiss "and I'm never going to go"

"Oh my god Pat" you turned around and hugged him tightly "God, Pat, forgive me, I didn't want you to see me like that" He caressed your cheek with his big hands.

"My love, I am here for you, and I always will be" he pressed his forehead against yours, it was something you were doing. Joining your foreheads was something more intimate than a kiss, something more meaningful than an "I love you" was special between you.

"I found your notebook on the floor love" he said after a while of sitting behind the sofa "And I read the last thing you wrote Pumpkin"

You got tense immediately, you didn't want Paterson to read your songs, especially not that last one.

“it was a moment of weakness love, just, forget it, okay? " You laid your head on his chest.

"No love, I will not forget it , because you are going to play what you wrote right now" you raised your head "you have to do it darling, I know it, i will help you"

"Pat, I think it is not a good idea" you said uncomfortable "also, the song is not even finished" he kissed your forehead with a smile.

"We'll see that later my love, now, up" he said getting up and extending his hand to you "come on Pumpkin, I didn't give you that beautiful piano so you can't play anything right?" He told you with a smile.

You agreed, you couldn't do anything anymore, when Paterson put an idea into his head it was impossible to get it out of him until he fulfilled it.

The two of you walked hand in hand to the large brown grand piano in the other room.

you two sat in front of the piano.

"Come on Pumpkin, play that last thing you wrote for me"

In that you took a deep breath, you always played for Paterson, he loved to see you play the piano, but this time it was different, it was a very personal song, you didn't even want Paterson to listen to it. You exhaled and put your hands on the keys and started playing.

I need you to listen to me, please believe me

I'm completely lonely, please don't judge me

When my tears are falling, you'll catch them as they fall?

I need you to listen to me, please don't leave me

I'm not perfect yet, but I'll keep trying

When my tears are falling, you'll catch them as they fall?

'Cause inside, we are really made the same

in life, waiting's just a stupid game.

You took another deep breath, felt Paterson kiss your bare shoulder, you kept singing.

Lift me up, give me a start

'Cause I've been flying with some broken arms

Lift me up, just a small nudge

And I'll be flying like a thousand doves

Flying like a thousand, flying like two thousand

Flying like ten thousand doves

Flying like a thousand, flying like two thousand

Flying like ten thousand doves

That's what you had written so far, you were going to stop playing but other piano keys were being played by Paterson.

He was writing on the fly what followed the song, his point of view.

I'd do anything if you would just believe me

I am human, invisibly bleeding

When your smile is shaking, I'll catch you as you fall

If I had a painter's mind, then I would paint it

Or a sculptor's hands, then I would shape it

But instead, I guess I'll sing it in this song

His hands looked beautiful on the piano keys, and his thick voice was melodious, you were completely hypnotized by the man next to you, you loved him so much.

I cry more than I ever sang

Each time, your love seems to save the day

i'll lift you up, i'll give you a start

'Cause you've been flying with some broken arms

i'll lift you up, just a small nudge

And you'll be flying like a thousand doves

He stared at you "Come on Pumpkin, finish the song with me" You were still processing what just happened, but you nodded and the two of you started to play and sing.

Flying like a thousand, flying like two thousand

Flying like ten thousand doves

Flying like a thousand, flying like two thousand

Flying like ten thousand doves.

The last key sounded and left an echo in the room, you were about to cry.

You really still didn't understand how a man as good as him had come into your life.

"I'm very proud of you Pumpkin" I kiss your cheek sweetly. "Little by little you are moving forward"

"Pat, were you really serious with everything you said?" you stared at him, small tears accumulated in your eyes

"Of course i did" he hugged you "That day I promised you that I would never leave you, no matter what, I will always be there for you" you started to cry "Soon my love, you will be fine, one day at a time " He separated you from his chest and put you foreheads together again "And when that day comes I will be holding your hand and I will tell you "we made it my sweet Pumpkin"

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I hope you like it❤️✨

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