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Amna, Sudanese-American, queer, 21 Insta: @hotmess.inc | twitter @OG_hotmess
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Link
Check out my first ever “YouTube” video about being messy
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The Four Seasons
-freezing to death
-pollen and humidity
-“were those gunshots or fireworks?”
-pumpkins
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African Americans making $50,000 to $60,000 per year are way more likely to live in a polluted environment than poor white families making just $10,000 per year.
Very important & informative article about environmental racism.
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Black Panther is bringing out the EVIL in a lot of non-Black folks and I’m just watching y'all show out.
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I don't know why i’m writing this on here but its going up
The concept of forgiveness has been overwhelmingly popping up in my thoughts. I was so frustrated that no matter how much i grew internally there would still be people ready to shoot me down or is angry about my success(es future and/or otherwise). I get it though, because before I sat down to write this I was so angry that people that hurt me were prospering and succeeding and still influencing my life in some way. I was so upset that I could never fully enjoy anything because in someones eyes somewhere in the world they really didn’t want that for me, which I could totally be projecting but thats a piece for another day. I believed this though because I knew that when I saw the same happening to them I would be so hurt. I would think ‘how could the universe give them happiness’, knowing how I felt after these people were out of my life I had completely painted them as evil- abandoning. But thats not a surprising conclusion for me to come to, especially if you knew me well enough.
Anyway- I was so mad at first thinking about this. Like livid but I realized that these people thought of me as the scum of the earth. Those I couldn’t forgive, couldn't forgive ME even though I KNOW I’m not a bad person. Their feelings towards me are more than valid. I wasn’t always striving to be a good person, and my reasons against them are just as valid. It was just so sad to feel like I couldn’t press rewind before the stench of my past self and somehow plop this Striving For Perfection persona. Which I still don’t even succeed at, I’m a hot mess. But so yeah, I realized that they wouldn’t ever be able to forgive me in the near future because the actions I took are mine and I have to own that. I have to own that I’m shitty sometimes but I’m less shitty and sometimes I’ll be better and sometimes I’ll be worse.
I realized these people were going through their own tides of self actualization and re-building/branding themselves just like me. I realized not everyone will come to these conclusions and that I was lucky to have a mind that could invert into itself. Those people from my past were just that- people. They would could through their own self actualization process and look into themselves; or they wouldn't. I sat in traffic and looked at all the cars around me and for once my road rage took a back seat (I’m a bad driver with an automotive napoleon complex) and I didn’t care too much that it took me a while to get home because someone zoned out and didn't turn at the light immediately, because they were people dealing with their own shit and I’ve been in that seat before. Of course the accountability process will ensue next time but today I got to humanize strangers and then I got to humanize the people I’ll never be able to love again. I (for once) felt the mercy of heart breaks. I was grateful for the anger I’ve felt. I needed to experience that. I am so thankful for the people who’ve made me feel pain this deep, I wouldn’t have learned to heal without them.
But also it’s not that deep
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Men cause so much pain, so much fucking pain to their mothers to their sisters to their children to their wives and they’re oblivious, they’re absoutely oblivious to how much they have negatively impacted and ruined each woman’s life individually in the household.
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Video
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