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babyblue
womp womp. yeah you found my online journaling. fucking congratulations. yall thought this shit was interesting
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19/8
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I forgive
those I was antagonized by as a child, for planting numerous seeds of doubt and negativity in my mind and body. for making me feel unworthy of love as I was. for just straight up hurting my feelings because I triggered something in them to evoke such a response
my extended family for not being as welcoming as I needed them to be, for when I felt alone at home or school, I believed them to be a safe haven but they became strangers with little interest in including me.
my sister for growing up and out of my first friend in the world. I think I miss (that side of) her everyday and cannot and am unwilling to put that in more words.
my parents for what they’ve allowed me to see, hear, experience. they hurt me and each other in ways they would never allow another to hurt me. it’s hard to do this without trying to make excuses for them. but I will try to forgive because that is probably the weightiest weight on my shoulders right now.
my partner for not always wanting to see my side of things or forgetting to care. it goes both ways.
i forgive myself for not always getting things right and forgetting to move within my life’s intention. but I really want to now.
I release the anger and pain and sadness and resentment I’ve held onto. I choose to move forward with peace and love.
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I said that I could and I would struggle for my happiness. But I cannot. Not when I know that a better way is possible. Not just easy but meant for me. I should be able to have challenges without questioning my faith and inner strength. YEARS ago, I Knew that all I wanted was peace, to be happy. I fee i’ve walked though the portal but it’s like my rolling suitcase is caught in something. I can’t just go. Unforeseen things are tripping me up and I don’t know a way around it. Except to ask the universe of this: help. I want comfort, I want to be able to express myself in whatever way I want. I want to be able to rest and be productive whenever I want. I want to contribute to a better world. I want to love freely.I want to be sunshine. I don’t want to keep going the way I am. I am tired and worn down. It takes a lot to shake my faith but these last couple of weeks are testing me. I hope you hear this.
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so I’ve just reached new level of existential sadness where whenever I see really happy extended family members ( like grandparents, cousins) get together and interact and be happy, I’m just like “mbn” in my head and then I want to cry
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Granted, I am staying safe and making new choices in my life…
However, I’ve partially placed my life on hold because I had this great expectation around how my life would go once I got this, and did this, and blah blah. My life has been on hold. And it didn’t need to be. It’s out of people pleasing and I’m thankful that my body has this way of letting me know when Ive had enough. When I’m too tired. But I don’t want to keep letting it get to that point. Because it just makes me sad thinking that I’m not advocating for my self as much as I thought I would in the kind of situations I’m in. I guess it’s the same healthy routine thing that my brain has on loop all times. Eventually I’ll get to a point of finding the right balance and order for myself. But I just don’t want to miss out on life. This year has been long but not in a good way. I definitely don’t feel like “oh, that’s it” or like it’s beat the hell out of me. I just feel a little unfulfilled . Like I’ve just entered a cryogenic sleep over and over and the times I was awake were just stress, stress, stress. I don’t know exactly where I go from here, if I should go a little backwards and do the things I used to do or search for new things. I don’t want to have a plan or whatever but I also want to be more purposeful with my actions. Where to go, what to do?
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does it get any easier to think about death. it’s just way too permanent for my comfort. I think about never seeing my loved ones and holding them close. having permanent loose ends on my timeline. dying without fulfilling big dreams of mine. never looking in the mirror to find the version of me that lived up to all of her potential. what’s really scary for me is imagining myself during. will i be lonely and scared? will i call out for help and have nobody come to my side? i’m so scared. surprisingly, it is comporting to think about the many versions of death. will i become grim reaper among a rag tag group of other reapers processing emotional baggage over morning coffee and waffles? will i fall down a dark void that leads me to my next life in alternate universe? will i be huddled in the corner if my own mind replaying my life like a movie, just watching for all of eternity? these are my top 3 options tbh. i want to stop being sad but i really have to acknowledge how much i just want to hug my brother and sister, my boyfriend, and my ex best friend. i want to cry and save myself because nobody else is going to. but i have no power over this situation and i hate it. but i want to live and i feel like this worry is legitimately shortening my life span.
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done lol
I WANT TO SHAVE MY HEAD!!!!
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The inner sense of purpose, drive, and responsibility is often very strong when Saturn is in the tenth house, particularly if he is conjuncting the midheaven. There is frequently a strong sense of fate with regard to the role in life. Often sacrifice is required and a long, arduous process of building and preparation, where the personality with its desire for recognition drives the man on until he has achieved some degree of notice or responsibility.
— Liz Greene, from Saturn: A New Look at an Old Devil
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SOLAR RETURN OBSERVATIONS: PART TWO
Sun in the 1st House - This is a great year to center yourself and to focus on your needs. This is the start of a new chapter, and the influence of this placement gives the native enough energy and hope to bring about positive change. You might feel more excited about daily life and waking up every morning will feel a little bit easier. Enthusiasm comes naturally, and this placement will ease any other negative influences seen within the solar return chart. You might have several lightbulb moments in regards to your identity, and at the end of the year you’ll be feeling more confident than ever.
Jupiter in the 10th House - Opportunity is on its way. Jupiter is expanding all themes regarding the tenth house. The native is going to develop a strong sense of reputation and will notice a change in status by the end of the year. Their ego may inflate a bit, but this can be good if used wisely. Getting recognized, promoted, or an increase in salary are to be expected with this solar return placement. If the native travels under this influence, they will receive a lot of attention for their journey. Gaining favors from people in authority should also be relatively easy.
Venus Conjunct Ascendant - The native is going to feel a lot of affectionate feelings and a need to express them. A sense of love is going to be elevated within all connections and the native will benefit from this influence. This is a great time to take on relationship problems. The native will seem especially attractive during this time and will probably go through a glow-up of sorts. Their personal style is being defined, and they’ll have the energy to put extra effort into their appearance. Negotiations will go well and will work in their favor.
Sun Trine Midheaven - During the course of this year, the native is gaining an understanding on who they are and how that aligns with their wants and desires. Garnering achievements or some sort of reward is to be expected with this influence. The native is going after their goals and has all the support and tools on hand in order to do so. They are being encouraged to use their skills and resources in a focused manner.
Moon Square Saturn - This aspect points to a lot of frustration. The sign of both the Moon and Saturn can give indication of what exactly the source of contempt is. The native might be lacking emotional control and is learning how to manage this.
Pluto in the 6th House - A change in routine is very much needed with this influence. The native might take on a new position at work, giving them a new list of responsibilities. Or, they might start developing a workout routine or exercise plan. The native may start to notice changes to their body, ranging from weight gain/loss to aging. If you have any health issues, make sure to get checked up sometime this year. Physical trauma to the body might occur this year. The native could find themselves being more accident prone than usual.
Saturn in the 9th House - There isn’t going to be much adventure this year. In fact, vacations or travel plans may end up delayed or canceled. If you are in college or university, this might be an especially hard year for you. Expect restrictions in school and from mentors. Assignments that used to take no time at all might start to take days instead. It would be a good idea to take a gap year during this time, or just a break in general. Saturn does reward hard work and effort though, so this decision is up to you. If you know you have it in you to keep pushing, then don’t give up.
Mercury in the 4th House - Now is the time to make plans for future stability. Natives under this influence need to start thinking about domestic issues. Home renovations and fix-ups are a good idea when Mercury is in the fourth. Redecorating your home is also something that should be done during the year. The past is going to weigh heavy on the mind, and it would be good to focus on comforting your inner child.
Moon in the 12th House - Mediation is a skillset that absolutely must be used and developed during this time. A lot of emotional fulfillment can be found through charitable work and spiritual practice. Emotional cycles and chapters in your life are going to be coming to a close. This is a time to retreat, reflect, and recharge. Embrace solitude.
Mars Conjunct Uranus - Be cautious of accidents. Please drive safe and follow directions when using machinery.
Mercury Trine Mars - Expect a lot of speed and energy entering your life. If this is a tight aspect, then this year is going to fly by. The days will go by quickly, and there is going to be a lot to do.
Moon Trine Pluto - Go to therapy! This is an excellent time to connect with the subconscious. Deep rooted feelings and emotions are going to reemerge, but this will be beneficial and help aid the healing process.
Uranus in the 11th House - If you’ve been feeling drawn to social justice and activism, this would be a good year to start getting involved. You might make some unexpected friends or unexpected changes may occur within your friendships. A wish fulfillment might randomly manifest during this year. The native will be able to come up with solutions for whatever setback might occur. You might realize that the straightforward path you were once trekking isn’t as straightforward as it once seemed. Issues within society might be affecting you on a more personal level.
Chiron in the 11th House - Your connections with friends, and your hopes and dreams might undergo some damage. This might be a lonely year and the native is going to face rejection at one point. They are going to be told “no” over and over again, it is going to be a painful process. You might not fit in where you currently reside.
Mars Square Ascendant - Unfortunately, the native is going to have to put up with a lot of bullshit under this influence. They might get bullied, harassed, or violated. It is important for them to avoid arguments and for them to try and walk away first during disagreement. People might assume they’re in a bad mood when they’re actually not.
@courttt-xo
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i’m facing a lot of uncertainty and much certainty at the same time right now. I couldn’t be more sure about not wanting some things but if you ask what I’d want instead, I’d have no words. I feel like a lot of it is my thinking about other people’s feelings and I think I decided I want this one to be just about that.
People pleasing is a disease. it’s an illness. it disables you. you can’t think or move without thinking about who could possibly disapprove of you. and it feels like this because approval is love. and I am constantly chasing it even when I convince myself that it’s already within me and that is enough. either i’m lying to myself or it’s not enough. if i could have any one wish right now, it would be to be free from this paralysis.
my voice is stuck, tears are welling, my heart feels heavy. i have too many painful moments to look back on all because I was this way before for so long. so when will i learn?
please give me this wish
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I feel like in order to love, I have to surrender my pride. And it’s not the good type of pride. It’s the type where my ego is like an angry and fragile child. I don’t like that type of pride, and yet here I am. Unable to say sorry and surrender. Unable to give peace of mind to a person that I love dearly. Just because they’ve seen the hypocrisy in my actions. I don’t want to live like this. And yet, this empty feeling inside that I’ve been left with is far too familiar to just let go of. It hurts and it screams void and loneliness.
But it’s mine. It’s my pain and anger that only I’ve had permission to know of up until now. Now, in order to surrender it, I have to admit that it’s still there. That the pain still exists and it’s existed since I was a baby. And that even though it is now 20 years later, I don’t know any better to let the pain go. To finally release my fists and unclench my teeth. To finally let a love in that I have no choice but to be naked and vulnerable in. That is probably the most threateningly beautiful thing I could ever accomplish.
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I think more and more as life goes on, I understand the sentiment of not wanting to be alive anymore. At least for myself, it’s not really that I have little to no respect for my life but when your life is at a certain point + having certain emotions in the mix, you can’t help but wonder what the point of it all is. Why am I doing all this work just to continuously feel the shame, embarrassment, anger, despair that will no doubt follow after? I just don’t know what to do with myself. And the more people remind me of how much potential I have to be doing So Much Better than I already am, like? Thank you, I feel even shittier. If you really want to remind me how worthless to feel, please continue to add how sad it would make you if I were to go away indefinitely. Please Imagine How I Feel to even get to this point. And it just makes me feel even emptier because not only do I feel nothing about you and your bullshit tears but it just reminds me how unfulfilled I am by every single relationship around me. Nothing is really healing, and it’s all just a distraction from the darkness. I’m constantly trying to uplift myself and allow the world in enough to help but despite some good efforts from me, I can’t seem to hold on tight enough to what was able to make me happy with a single thought. Maybe I was never allowed to hold onto happiness for long like some people. Maybe I didn’t choose the right belief, the right god, the right family, the right experiences, the right loves, the right life. The way my mind works, I’m gonna feel a bit more hopeful tomorrow and all will be well. But life will definitely be lifeing these days. And I just keep taking punches because I’m a persistent and stubborn ass bitch who just wants to see how the story is gonna end. And how boring would I be to stop here? Shit hasn’t really popped yet and my annoying ass optimism loves telling me that it’s all right around the corner.
I feel really STUCK and LOST and STUPID right now. HELP!!!!!!!!!!
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why yes, I Absolutely have to pretend I’m snuggling with my boyfriend before I go to bed because otherwise, they’re not gonna feel my kisses and warmth in their dreams DUH 🤨😘🥺☺️💕
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Despite my own limiting beliefs in my talents and potential, I’ve had so many others see my light before I was ready to see it myself. I’m still unsure sometimes. But the teachers who encouraged me, built me up, praised me, saw me, and listened, I will never forget them. I try not to end up on the negative side of thinking that I could not live up to that potential, especially with how much I needed them in that exact moment in my life. Because I truly felt like shit in some of those years. I just wish I could get one more “I’m proud of you” from each of them. I could really use the encouragement and love right now. I don’t even think it’s the feeling special that got me be cause so others who could do the same as me and more (I mean it was 6-12th grade). I even really appreciated all of our talents coming together to create beautiful works for that many could enjoy. I’d like to let go of the idea that I’ll eventually “stunt on” past peers because I don’t want to live in that mindset. If they see it, they see it. If they don’t, *shrug ig*. Because I know that’s still rooted in not feeling adequate enough and people pleasing. There have been plenty of times that my accomplishments didn’t feel like a competition. How is that and how can I get back to there? Where will the balance in desiring appreciation lie in the journey of a recovering people pleaser 😭? Is it in what I do, the where, the why? Is the answer within me to realize what truly makes me happy?
I just want an “I’m proud” not gonna lie. It’s a hurtful thought to think nobody is actively caring about you and your journey. It’s scary first of all and then yeah, a bit hurtful. I want a hug this year and a “congrats”, a “you did that”, “I’m so impressed by you”, a “I can’t wait to see what you do next time”. First and foremost, I want to make sure I do it all for me first. There’s an emptiness right now inside that I’m ready to satisfy. I think there will be a lesson here.
Live not for battles won.
Live not for the-end-of-the-song.
Live in the along. Gwendolyn Brooks
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I’m so tired of whining. And so tired of hiding. I am Not going to be happy settling for every single one of my experiences. Whether that change through what I accept from others or myself, it is going to change. I feel like that fight for my true self is happening whether I want to declare I’m ready for it or not. This world loves to push and push and push and push and soon enough, you end up on the edge of a cliff. Whole time, you’ve been given these fists to fight back against whatever it’s been that’s been pushing you. You have feet, you can charge back. You have a fucking mind and you can use logic. I can do all these things instead of feeling the way I do right now. A punching bag, the victim, stupid and left empty. I’ve always said that success to me, is being happy and feeling at peace with myself. I never questioned that. It’s something that I am Extremely willing to fight for and defend. I’m trying so hard to not lash out cry and and scream and fall over. Because out of everything, this is what I feel most alone in. Nobody can help me the way I can help me. I know I can be guided but I’m always looking for someone to hold my hand across any rough waters. Even in the times that I’ve crossed by myself, I was still holding out for someone/ something to come save me. I’m not saying I ever really do anything alone (because my guides), but I am a lot stronger and smarter and capable than I like to give myself credit for. It’s really hard for some reason to see myself on par with impressive when it comes to much of anything but I hope this will be time I can look back on and feel proud of myself for the confrontations I’ve faced, speaking the thoughts I’d never thought I would, and doing what I didn’t think I’d have the power or confidence to do. Adding on to my definition of success; to be free.
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I don’t know how more people aren’t scared of loving somebody. Or maybe that fear is what we see so often transform into toxic habits. But yeah. I miss him so much. I just put my face into the jacket that still smells like him and started crying. I wasn’t even trying to be sad rn. I was just daydreaming about what it’ll be like when I see him again. It feels like this definitely needed to happen and he needed to go when he did but things just aren’t feeling right with me rn either. the impending doom has subsided a bit but this job doesn’t feel right. would it have felt right if I could still see him at the end of my day? idk how big a deal to make this.
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In case it happens
Dear Joseph,
your presence in my life and my heart is unmatched. You have allowed me to experience a happiness I wasn’t sure I’d get. You make me light up like nothing else. I know that during our time together, you weren’t in the best place personally but you had space in your life to love me as much as you did. And I’m so thankful for that and for you. I’ve never felt so loved and understood. I want you to have everything you want. You deserve more than you think. I would give my life to know that you were going to be okay for the rest of yours. I love you and I want nothing more than to stay in your arms and by your side for the rest of our days. I wish we could take care of each other. I miss you all the time. You’re amazing. I hope I make you feel as loved and you make me feel. You’re the love of my life. I’m crying because I don’t know what I did to deserve you and all that you are. You’re so unique, funny, amazing, beautiful, thoughtful, caring, sensitive. So much more than that. I want nothing more than to hear all your stories, jokes, movie quotes/references. I can’t get enough of you, I never will. I wish you’d wake up from your nap, I miss you and I’m scared lol. I hope this doesn’t dissuade you from napping in the future. You need your sleep. You deserve peace. I love you more than I’ll ever be able to write out. We are on a timer, an invisible one, you were right. But you should still relax. Let’s enjoy the time we are here now and let’s never stop looking in each other’s eyes. You have the most amazing eyes. Please kiss me on the cheek like you do. I love you. And I’ll never forget you. Thank you for loving me.♥️🫂🥰💕😘💜😊💞☺️
goodnight love😘🫂❤️
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