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kissing the kiss quotient goodbye

the kiss quotient (2018) by helen hoang. 24.04.2024

the kiss quotient is filled with sex. lots of it. so much that it’s mind boggling that it won the goodreads romance award when really, it’s just smut with a dash of autism representation. the smut is more cringe than hot and there are way more scenes than necessary. like, at one point michael, our martial arts boy of the story, says “you're milking my fingers stella” and well, just no. no, thank you. and sure, maybe it’s sweet, but it’s also a hell of a turn off if someone calls your pussy a sweet potato or a little bird. ladies, try it out on the guys when you’re in the sheets and get back to us on how successful it is. (we have an hypothesis)

but back to the beginning. in the kiss quotient we meet stella, a 30 year old successful woman working as an econometrist in silicon valley (and let’s just here take a moment of silence for how obvious it is that the author is not a mathematician by how stella is portrayed like a stereotypical brainiac). and why oh why is this book called the kiss quotient when there’s no mention of any kiss quotients, i guess coherency is too much to ask for.

the maths part isn’t important, but what’s really important for the plot is that stella is autistic and hasn’t really told anyone outside of her close family - consisting of her mother and father and like every only child (and autistic adult apparently) ever, she doesn’t have any friends. but luckily, she’s uber rich and is capable of buying a tesla for every time michael comes up with a new nickname for her pussy. and have we mentioned that her mother is weirdly obsessed with trying to marry off her strong independent daughter (who really don’t need no man!) so stella and michael meet each other because she hires him as an escort wanting to learn how to fuck. she has experience, but only with jerks (but which men in their twenties are not?!). so is this reverse pretty woman really giving hashtag slaying the day away, or?

and of course, stella’s autism can just be ‘solved’ by some very good shagging by michael. i think we should all try that next time we’re feeling anxious. it’s a curiously problematic take on an autistic character from an author who herself is diagnosed with autism.

the miscommunication trope is on full throttle here, although very badly executed. early on, when michael’s sweet cousin (whose name slips our mind, but he’s cute and probably more of the ideal man we all want) notices it, michael lets stella know that he knows in a very sweet lowkey way to which she acknowledged it. later on, it gets turned into this big reveal and they have a huge fight about it and as a reader you just kinda want to skip through to the end.

the point of view changes throughout the story completely forgetting our main character and the book ends up revolving around michael’s daddy issues instead of stella’s autism because her autistic traits have magically disappeared at michael’s touch. that’s what love will do to ya. so the whole premise of autism representation and stella being a girl boss just falls a bit flat when michael is the knight in shining armour who has so much more wisdom and experience than stella and how all her issues are solved by love and sex (where did the girl boss go?). and then we have phillip, her one dimensional jerk coworker, whose only contribution to the plot is being the villain michael can save her from.

is michael hot? well, not in our top 3 over book boyfriends. very forgettable (which doesn’t say much in bridget’s case). he’s sweet and cute and a good brother who cooks for his whole family which consists of his mum, many sisters and some more we forgot. the banter he has with his family is cute, so adorably written that whatever daddy issues he has gets forgotten by us and the author herself - and when it does finally get revealed it’s really fucking boring. come up with something original for once! we think he should have had it way worse for him to act so sulky.

in the end, the kiss quotient is really just another booktok dark romance book in the sea of tiktok books. that it has been turned into somewhat of a franchise tells you everything about the publishing industry nowadays and nothing about complex female characters. we all like to read cheesy chickflicks, that’s the reason we wrote this, but perhaps we should raise the standards, girlies. if anyone can recommend a good fun, romance that’s not about dorky girls and creepy men and their toxic relationship, please do let us know.

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