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sheusedtobesassier · 2 years

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Day 10,947

I am 10 days away from turning 30.

This tumblr ends then. It’s been for the twenties. Cannot resist a good time capsule.

Ten years ago was the final night of UDTS. Nine years ago I had the morning off at Forest Springs and was looking up bus ticket prices. Eight years ago was the day after Mary and I got our asses stranded in Duluth, MN. Seven years ago I was begging everybody to tell me what two colors they saw when they looked at The Dress. Six years ago I think I was pretty sad. Five years ago I was binging Scandal and missing Brandon. Four years ago I was binging Reign. Three years ago I was celebrating the beginning of Jayden's existence. Two years ago we didn't know we were in the last regular days before the pandemic experience. One year ago I was making a Top Ten list of musicals I love.

I listened to SAY MORE this morning after a Tiffany recommended Leonard Sweet talk. The girls did an ode to their twenties and Leonard talking about who Jesus called daughter and who He called son. Both were rambled, but some good stuff is that way. Olivia used the word "profound" more than once and it's making me want to obsess over the word a little.

"She just needs some reassurance Randall!!"

I finished filling both of my biggest journals last night. Two sketchbooks. Will need to pick a new one up soon, prior to birthday day. Will love starting a new set of writing as a 30 y/o. Feeling very positive about turning 30. Feeling very positive about writing in my thirties. Lol, always feeling very positive about the possibility of being a writer but haven't ever quite gotten around to pursuing that in any sort of official capacity. Lord, grant me the ability to choose a habit that will actually be good for me AND the world around me then put it into practice. Please, please, please, and please.

You just kind of wasted my precious time. Don't think twice it's alright.

Here are the material things I want and then I'll never need anything else, okay? (This list builds off of the stuff I've already collected thus far. Keeping my goods.) A laptop that works. A sturdy desk with the right chair. A very large mirror. And a continuous flow of freshly potted plants. Yeah and then like, a shelter of my own with running water and a bare minimum kitchen. That's it!

Star is constantly coming in and out of my room. Like I try to leave my door open just enough for her to slip in and out without letting the laundry machine noises in but SHE CANNOT BE COOL ABOUT IT. She's always busting it wide or barking at me because somehow she's pushed it closed and can't get where she wants to. Last night I did something I've never done, I shut the door when I went to bed without her in here. When Jeremiah came downstairs this morning, homegirl had upset dragged a lot of the contents kitchen across the living room. She is consistently a bad dog when she's stressed. I wasn't even a little mad at her. I shouldn't have shut my door, haha.

I can't think of the word for what I want to be more of. It's in the same category as like ambition and drive, but it isn't those words because those words suhhhhck. Gimme a moment to google the synonyms to organized. Not meticulous. Maybe diligent? Maybe structured? Yeah I'm picking that one. I want to be more structured. I've effectively shook off almost every structure I've ever signed up for, lol. Which. Yeah. I think that's ultimately fine. I don't feel bad about it. But I'm very interested in creating my own structure and living accordingly. Carefully calculated. Looking at all the possibilites I've gathered in my twenties and deciding the best way to minimalize my way into my thirties. A reducing as a way to let more light in and let go of some of the goodness I don't need to keep around any longer.

"For once there is nothing up my sleeve. Just some scars from a life that used to trouble me."

The sunlight is drifting across my bedding in a way that made me go, "Oh it must be like five o'clock." It is in fact 4:37 and I am in tune with my tiny square portion of the universe.

I am growing my hair out to hopefully longer than it's ever been.

Next week I get to take a couple planes up to Wisconsin in order to get quality time with my girl gang for the sake of my birthday. Courtney and Amber and Janelle and Jess and Marissa and Rebekah, I think. Courtney has been the one orchestrating and it's honestly one of the most loving things to handle the stress of planning a party for someone you care about so. Will forever love her for it.

Omg you should of seen the chair we just stumbled upon at Target. Holy shit. Let me look it up so I can remember the name of it forever. It's a Southport Patio Egg Chair by Opalhouse. And like, you can fully climb right into it. Like you succumb to the chair when you sit in it. Bruh. Me in another life would bring that $500 chair home today and curl up inside it for weeks and weeks, for months of my life if I could. Like I know I'm going to be longing for that chair for the rest of the year at least. Me in another life would know how to build that chair and she wouldn't need to know anything else.

I LOVE THE SONG VALENTINE BY FIONA APPLE MORE THAN 99% OF OTHER SONGS THAT EXIST.

Chance the Rapper is my favorite rapper. I know he's corny and sometimes that bothers me but my face smiles physically so fugging hard when I listen to him so whatever I cannot deny that he is the one that makes me feel that way.

"We made sangria and failed. I spilled mac and cheese on my pants and thought about kissing you underneath kitchen lights."

I made a DO MORE OF WHAT YOU LOVE list a long time ago now. It was a weekly calendar, each day a different thing I really cared about. The idea was to try to do that thing that day every week, like making the effort to consistently include stuff I enjoy into my living. I can't remember it now. Could go digging through my Instagram archive and find it I think, but nah. The problem is I'm a TOTAL brat about tasks. No interested in setting myself up to feel like I have to do something when I CAN'T HANDLE the feeling of having to do something. Like my favorite thing about the feeling is having a very strong inner voice that'll go, "ACTUALLY SHE CAN DO WHATEVER SHE DAMN WELL PLEASES. THANK YOU VERY MUCH." Lol, like that voice even talks to me haha. The internal dialogue of half my soul telling the other half it's not the boss of her. Hahaha. Wtf Anga.

Things I will endeavor to include in the upcoming evening! Going to sleep before two o'clock because I work Monday's lunch shift. Wordle at midnight, lol. The final episode of the second season of Euphoria. Several bottles of Stella Artois with lime. Probably dinner. Perhaps listening to the first part of the Joe story in the Rosie voice memos in preperation of telling the second part. Perhaps catching up on the Valkyrae stream I missed last night, though I don't super want to because I know there was Poki interaction in there. I should probably shower because I'm a little gross. Maybe unpack and repack my bag for the birthday trip. I'm still settling on what I want my wardrobe's theme. If I had a stylist I'd tell her to blend Beyonce's 7/11 music video, Rihanna's maternity looks, and Dakota Johnson streetwear. Like that's the actual inspirations/thought process. I'm trying. Oh fuck, this is supposed to be a list for the evening. I also want to read at least a full chapter from the Gatsby book. I read a book in January and it would be GREAT if I could finish this one tonight or tomorrow. A book per month is so friggin doable, right? Of course. At least!!

I told Addey the way her hair was falling looked perfect. Yeah I called it windswept, told her that meant she looked like she'd been in the wild and it played with her hair. She was like, "Oh like I look homeless." Lol. Basically. She complimented my fresh java candle I put out. It's got a kind of abstract doodle face on it and she was like, "You would like this. Because you like to make things up in your journals." Hahaha. It's because I've got so many of their toddler scribbles in my journal pages. Jayden was doing some illustrating with a highlighter one day and she came in trying to tell him what he should draw. I'm particular and was like, "NO. I LIKE THE AESTHETIC OF IT NOT LOOKING LIKE ANYTHING." She was confused but particpated lol.

Blue is missing.

I wasn't going to shave, but I shaved. And I'm not going to get acrylics, but it's not because I don't really really want to. I'm just trying to accept a little that I don't have enough money to be doing whatever the heck I want all the time. There has to be some sacrifices lol, some suffering.

I hope we take too many photos next week. That's the goal. Feel beautiful and be really vocal with my gratitude and my affection and to not even consider the possiblity of being disappointed haha. No chance. And yes take a lot of photos, both ones I'm in AND candid ones of the women I really really really really care about. Yeah like ideal scenario is getting everybody on that list a picture of theirself that makes them feel like, "Wow. That's what I really look like?? Wow." Yep, I want to exude fondness for those I'm fond of. That's the hope for the birthday trip. The agenda.

I realized my current favorite favorite plant totally gives me Nerds Rope vibes which only makes me adore it more.

I DON'T BELIEVE IN SOULMATES OR REALLY I GUESS I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE THE WORD A DIFFERENT DEFINITION AND BY THAT I MEAN I'M PRETTY SURE THAT OLIVIA GATWOOD AND I ARE SOULMATES. TWIN FLAMES. TWO OF A KIND. THE SAME LIVING DIFFERENT BUT PARALLEL LIVES.

“Let’s be clear and honest here and do away with anything formal.”

I like being on my own an indecent amount. Ooh, ooh, let me find the Pisces Energy post. Got it, got it. “I can sit in my room for hours and be happy as hell lol. Y’all need to learn how to be alone.”

Annnnd I found a journal! About halfway through this Ally and I left a while and came back home. I overpaid for a plain Moleskine. She’s periwinkle. I’m pretty sure I haven’t had a Moleskine since my red one that was in the suitcase Greyhound lost. So. Some kind of redemption I guess. I found a pink trio of sushi, waving kitty, and hot sauce too. Will have to decide what they’re for.

Jeremiah heard Mahalia Jackson singing Summertime/Sometimes I Feel Like a Motherless Child. He asked who it was then made an Adele joke. He walked away then came back to soft ask, “Are you okay? This is pretty sad music.” Haha. He is the best kind of brother I swear.

CHEERS TO STRUCTURE THAT YOU DON’T FEEL THE NEED TO BUCK.

I’m obsessed with how that little girl referred to lotion as “losh” okay? I need some. I’m posting this then handling my prickling hands.

And omg, Mike talking to me about that puppy he doesn’t want but obviously has a soft spot for. He keeps offering her to me but I hope she ends up being his pal.

#personal

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