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i fucking blew it

threw it all away because I just can't find a good reason to smile these days.

I miss you so much my dearest sunshine. Our time together was intense and passionate. I miss you more than words, more than phrases, more than cliches and now my mind can't erase

The love we had

The nights we shared

The tears and triumphs

My open heart, rended apart, and now I'm back here at the start.

Stuck and spiraling all around you.

I miss you Shawnee. I miss you more than anything I can bring into this world.

I just can't believe how I blew it with someone I would have shared it all with.

We had explosive chemistry

But we're we able to last, to be?

Like the twisting tomato vines, temporarily

Dying in the garden with cool autumn frost

I pushed you away and now I am lost.

Maybe I was never truly found

Just bumbling along and spiraling down

This haze, the malaise, unfazed and crazes

My idle mind, unable to rest, without you, your words, I can't stand it

Unless

#rambles #heartbreak #Venting to the void

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And now I have learned... Always save your drafts before posting. My lanta I've lost 2 big neature posts due to some incompatible images.

Who said technology made lives easier. I'll strangle them with my phone charger cabl- oh it snapped.

#.________. #friends dont let friends shitpost

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They're counting the days. I seriously can't wait.

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Waiting

You ever have those moments, the kinds that send shivers down your spine, where it just feels like things were meant to happen? After all this time, I still can’t believe you remember so much about me. My favorite foods, the random quirks of what I had shown you before, the weird relationship spirals I’ve spun through before. You remember so much about me, and It almost scares me, because I wish I had remembered as much as I can about you. The memories I have of us when we used to see each other every day still somewhat haunt me, making me question whether we should have or should not have when we were both naïve and silly, like watching fledglings fly from the nest the first time. 

You’re fucking incredible and I can’t believe you reached out from the endless spaces that separate us both. Not only do you remember who I am, you’ve learned so much about yourself too and fostered that into an incredible beauty.. While we only communicate in keystrokes and unbridled imaginations on who we were when last we met, I can’t help but feel closer than ever before. Even after all this time. I look back on our fleeting time we last spent together. The kayaks, the aquariums, your trashed coworkers in the dingy karaoke bars, the towering eucalyptus interspersed in our walks by the sea. I remember how surprising it was to see someone who cherished life so much, who wanted to live so richly and deeply with the people you enjoy. You left an impression on me that I still hasn’t slipped past my vision, no matter how tumultuous our distant lives have been. 

And now, our reunion will be dawning amidst the setting desert sun. A surge of anticipatory adrenaline flows just under the skin every time I think about these moments we will have. I don’t have my doubts. I don’t see my faults. I don’t care what may come thereafter. I am E X C I T E D in ways I hadn’t dreamt I could be. To spend a month traveling, exploring, and being in each other’s company, without even a second guess is one of those few decisions that you don’t second guess. I only hope you’ll fly along with me when we both get swept off our feet.

But until then, we are waiting. And while we will be in the midst of one of the most magical places on the planet, there isn’t anything I wouldn’t enjoy more than being there with you. 

#I'm so fucking excited I just can't hide it

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Headed out to Zion in a few weeks. Now that it's the season, it's time to really kick my butt into gear.

Thinking of some other things that I'll be posting here. I like the idea of sharing some neature finds, maybe some silly science along with it. Cat pics, of course. Hiking sights and stories. And while I could be sharing my memes and dreams into the void, I think I'll keep my posts personal. For those that somehow are still here, well, I'm glad you are. Maybe the void can clap back.

#da future #hiking #neature

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Just you wait motherfuckers

You have no idea what I've been up to. It's been 10 goddamn motherfucking years. You know it. I know it. But I'm back to share a bit y'all.

This cat adopted me before I hiked ~ 50 miles on the North Country Trail. "Donut" was a starving little thing that approached my dad and I while fishing with friends in 2021. I had already planned to do a thru-hike out there (When in Rome...). She just managed to come along on all the miles. Sometimes me carrying her, and sometimes her being my little trail troll scurrying along.

By the way.

I had/am having my hippy phase. Love to all of y'all and can't wait to scream more of my life into the void once more.

Have a good night folks, whoever is here

#Donut

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Dear Past Me,

I'm sorry I screwed up all of your life dreams of being married, having a job you love, and living in a house with your husband and couple of kids. I'm sorry I wasn't smart enough to do something about it sooner and you were trapped with a horrible, abusive person for 10+ years. I'm sorry I kept making excuses for why things weren't right at home, and I'm sorry I threw everything away that actually mattered.

I feel like I can't say "I'm sorry" enough to make up for it.

From your idiotic future self

While I'm just catching up to everything, this question feels eerily accurate about myself, like something I would have written.

I could never stay in a relationship that failed for so long, albeit those feelings are always hindsight.

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are you ever gonna do a reunion with InnerMindTheaters with Sirene, Courtoon, and Solo?

While that would be fun, we definitely have been off doing their own things for... oh jeez the last decade? I know that Court and Solo are in CA, Sirene I think PA?

We definitely had a bit of a falling out, but my doors are always open. I look back on these times fondly, knowing to embrace our true dorky selves no matter if the cameras rolled or not.

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Shuffie, I lost control of my account. I'll need to make a new throw away account if I want to flirt and keep your messages. Sweet, sweet kisses, handsome. -FlirtyAnon

HOHOHOHOHOHOHO OH BOY WHAT DID I GET MYSELF INTO.

Be your fun self m8, you know how to reach me :D

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Okay, so I don't go by Steven, but if we dated we would be Adam and Steve. Lmao.

Okay Steve, But you ain't getting any of my succulent ribs.

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words

Well this is a weird time. I can't tell if I'm just manic or lonely these days. Lots of people who I CAN connect with, lots of people I SHOULD connect with, and the overwhelming unfathomable depth of people I don't connect with, despite that being the primary axiom these days.

So I write to the void, not for a pen pal but because I hope my words can give me some meaning when all seems upside down.

I invite myself own in the midst of mania, in the throws of struggle and I can't help but worry about who I may become. The human imagination is a limitless font of incredible beauty, but the risks dipping your toes in too deeply might make you see the youth in every direction. It doesn't always have to be a demon that's whispering into your ear, despite that's what you want it to be.

Instead of the negative kneejerk reactionisms, I'd rather move on to being slightly more enlightened. I think I am getting there slowly, but breakups break open who you were and leaves you to collect the pieces. Sometimes you don't always get put back together the right way, sometimes some extra pieces come along with, sometimes you're missing the edges and corners. But without a constraining edge, you can reach for new potentials, new limits, and opportunities to spread beyond the tapestry of who we felt we were destined to be.

I can't help but realize that I have been deeply unhappy for many years. The passion and the void, The obligated orgasms, the disappointing despair of a long that had long slipped through our fingers. It wasn't fair to you, but I never took the time I needed to be loved. There is nothing worse than the pillars you chain yourself to as the backbone of you penance, and baby, these pinnacles are piercing the heavens. Can I tear them down?

It's finally time to start taking agency in my own life, and my goodness Im doubling down on this hard. I can't help but worry that I won't land on my feet well, but I also wonder whether it's even worth the crisis of self worth. I know what I like, I know I can actually be happy with the world I've created and explored. I can have those vast deep conversations that rub the heartstrings in harmony. I can appreciate the suspended drops of dew amidst the the grass, the crystalline dessicated husks of life after the ice.

Despite all the shit, all the things that make you check under the bed at night, all the things that make you hope tomorrow never comes, I want to cut through my blackness, your darkness everyone's deep seated doubt. I want to hold your hand. And your hand (everyone gets a hand!). We're gonna step forward, not stand stationary, to experience this goddamn beautiful existence.

Take a look at the leaves and marvel at their immaculate perfection. Listen to the squabbled calls of the starlings, chirping and cawing a song from far away, made uniquely here. The log of a mighty oak, rotted and rooted, and even in its passing, life persists amidst it's decayed core, flourishing in uncountable denizens thankful for the shelter.

These chains of inadequacy, the tethers of doubt, this grip of a paralytic time will be shed, are being shed. Despite all this, I will rise and grow, even if it must be as an ephemeral amidst the concrete jungle. I will do good, we will do great, everyone will inspire and move

For if life has no meaning, that meaning is for us to define. The ties that bind and the joy that shines will carry us to the next season in this cycles of rebirth and decay. And in this next cycle, let's forge those chains, not that keep us tied down, but rather, tied together.

I miss this community, I miss every community left to rot, especially due not to our own actions. But rather the actions around us. Reach out. Find someone to talk to and tell them everything. It's the only way to get started in this next cycle. Much love from the Crunchy Granola Grandpa (TM).

#rambles #emotinal #neature #Crunchy granola grandpa

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Those that predicted my demise were right

I’m fucking back here and shitposting my brainaspaces here and hopefully reconnect with everyo..... oh jeez where did y’all go?

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Number 1 rule of lab safety.

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I just heard this woman say “you procrastinate because you are afraid of rejection. It’s a defense mechanism, you are trying to protect yourself without even trying.” and I think I just realized what was wrong with me.

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Clubs suck, nightlife sucks, being a partier sucks, and I’m like 99% this is just because I’m getting older. Live EDM is incredibly hit or miss and if you’re not someone who stays up late into the night, this entire scene is just silly.

Fuck dis sheit Im not an adult but I’m certainly not a kid. 

#I'm jaded and cynical right now

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me: does something really, really stupid with my sleeping and/or eating schedule

me: this will be fine

arrested development narrator voice: it was not fine

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Bored Lame-o is back home for break, expect this quiet blog to potentially0g et shittier as break goes on

I mean hi losers