social-ball

[social-ball]

really wanna kms rn lol just a small empty spaced out numb feeing tonight. my eyes wont close. I dont want to be cared about so it can be easier i just feel trapped and alone. I cant ever be anything or loveable how I want to be. idk how my tender heart willl accept that. its hard and i cant. I dont want to be here anymore 

#febuary #2020

[social-ball]

1 6 2020

Other than that stupid fuciking problem im putting myself through

Ive just been depressed. Sad. Yearning everyday.

Feeling worthless and embarrassing as usual! Less frantic but i ache really bad.

Me and damen are still sorta freinds. Not together anymore and its just gotten worse since.

Ive lost so much but i still feel ok cuz of geist i just love em right now and i feel like a bastard for it.

I wish i knew what was wrong with me ...

#yelling #january

[social-ball]

1 6 2020

Made it to 2020

I hope it passes or they just tell me no never one day and ill try to stop. I just miss them sk much and wonder about a cozy little life with them but then idk! They have a kid and ive never lived yet so idk im. Probably just being stupid and infatuated with a lovely person cuz im an asshole who cant handle no partner lmfao. I hope someone hurts me again ivjust wanna die rn.

[social-ball]

8-5-19

why does every good thing have to hurt too... why do good things make me sick and knotted up in my throat. why does everything make me feel like im bad  like i dont belong here.

#yelling #august

[social-ball]

July 7th 2019 2:33pm  today and yesterdays been okay. Damen left 2 days ago. Nothings been happening. Ive been kinda sad and dysphoric really bad. also really paranoid. I feel like everyone hates me or is so close to insulting me or telling me im actualy awful. Its becoming a bit crippling, im talkng to tons of people but I just still feel so scared.  got my period last night too, its VERY heavy so i have to finalyl wash the clothes that have been sitting since vacation in june lol......... god. Ive been drawing alot though, but i feel alittle disconnected, so it makes me sad, then i get tired at about 10pm so i make like one thing a day then sleep. its eh. Last night i made alot tho so i was happy about that.  Today ive just felt shamed and gross. I feel like a worm. I see and am freinds with ppl who cospplay and hang out and theyre all around my age. one is even a teacher. I just feel trapped, and worthless all the time now. I dont want to be known or seen ever again. Id be happy just living in my computer making art and scrolling forever. thats what it feels like ive done my whole life anyway. I dont know anything else.  I miss people and freinds but I feel too scared and broken about them now. I dont trust anyone, and i feel like im disgusting around people- i feel like a freak or a creep even though i dont do anythign or even think anything weird.  Im scared about october, im going to try my hardest to not make it awkward but god if I do Ill never forgive myself. I wish i could just be what I want. Im so sick of this 

#july 2019 #yelling

[social-ball]

July 2nd 2019 8:51am  hey uh 3 years alone! with no friends! no one but that awful piece of shit who ruined everything- I kinda wanna fucking kill myself im so tired of this lol!! If i could just see someone , just have a good time just have some freidn time and money id be okay i wanna die!!

#yelling #july 2019

[social-ball]

June 30th 2019  Being trans and who I am really sucks the years of my life away huh. I’ve already lost 20 years of my life to literally nothing, its all just running down like sand and it means nothing just like the sand.  Its very sad... I felt like I could do more in my life , i feel it in my dreams and my goals, but I feel so bad and stuck all the time, and its all my fault 

#yelling #june 2019

[social-ball]

11:08am god btw i did dryheave alittle i the floor earlier lol, I THOUGHT MAYBEEE ID CRY? i felt like one tear when i was in bed, literally just having my eyes well up with water felt so releiving i just layd there and enjoyed it for a moment.. it felt like something deep...god......... what am I gonna do........what am i gonna do..

#yelling #june 2019

[social-ball]

11:04 am  PHEW GOD , i feel fucking UGLY. I have potential but god im skinny im bones!! im sickly im bones!!! just BONES. i can feel them. my skin feels like distant velvet, idk what skins supposed to feel like. i feel UGLY DUDEEE. i cant stand this i cant look at any body part i hate my legs so much they make me frantic from a glance i didnt realize until just now......... they make me panic and feel bad instantly.  ugh ugh nothing works nothing works i cant do anything , id rather die than live like this any longer, im so sick of this i cant stand it, i dont wanna be seen i havent even seen my mom in 2 days cuz i havent moved from this bedroom. god godg ddd

#june 2019 #yelling

[social-ball]

8:10am  just thinking about how i just wanna fuck the pain away lol. i dont feel like happy attraction i just wanna fuck and passout or be inebriated somehow. I dont wanna be at my full consciousness yknow?

#yelling #june 2019

[social-ball]

June 27 2019, thursday, 7:38 am I feel like a caged animal, slowly losing their mind. I get scared trying to think at all

#yelling #june 2019

[social-ball]

8:50 pm  i dont have anyone, i dont have antyhing to do, ihave no money i have no way to do anything , i need a job to be able to do it on my ow nalready but how am I gnna work when im constantly on the brink of needing a break from thinking. i need to try for a job like asap but im too scared of people being awful to me, if i cant even be around myself idk what im gnna do. i just saw a post about someones dad being funny and nice too and they went out together, made me kinda annoyed, not really cuz i wanna hang out with my dad but just cuz like wow, itd be nice to be that close with someone irl or something. idk how in the world people go so much fun close things with their dad. it doesnt make sense 

#yelling #june 2019

[social-ball]

just still in bed, 2:30pm , my arms are sore, i wanna draw but im numb and irritable, idk what to do with myself. i keep getting anxiety spikes about my bf being upset with me eventho theyre probably not lol. god.

2:39 , was on twitter lmao, still frustrated i just kinda wanna sleep again. i have 0 energy to do what i need to. which is clean or wig style or draw, i just cant do it today i feel too unwell

#june 2019 #yelling

[social-ball]

June 25th , 2:20pm  Todays been something. started off horrible. Spaced out and was stressed about weight gain, i WANNA gain weight so bad, im only 100 lbs rn, relatively.

just made this blog cuz i need a place to put all this ugly shit 

#yelling #thatll be the talking tag here #june 2019