sorapikayue

[sorapikayue]

I feel like the reason a certain lunar Kami showed up in my life to be my jailor to punish me for all of my mistakes. I feel isolated and invisible. I wake up every day feeling frustrated with the lack of effectiveness I have . My art doesn't reach people so I can't monetize it and actually make a living off of it. This also means my art does NOTHING for others. It does nothing for the world. It just remains hidden. Nothing I do seems to make a difference and i feel useless. And it's my punishment for something that happened a decade ago. When I was obsessed with Loki and Loki was NOT interested in me. But instead of accepting the truth I was given, I bothered people until someone told me what I wanted to hear and was shocked Pikachu face when it turned out to be a lie. I spent years resenting that person for messing with me, but every time I complained, things would get bad. I learned over time I had no support from the divine.

And with Kamisama, I took his visit the wrong way and developed *feelings* and pissed him off. Turns out he wasn't showing up as a friend, but to teach me about how I messed up. I just feel frustrated with myself for being the way I am. I also hate that I just get rejected. Why can't I be better and prettier.

I no longer have those feelings for Loki, but I feel horrible about how shitty of a person I was over him. I knew deep down it was the wrong path.

I was hoping it was different with Kamisama, but it wasn't. He was just there so I would understand exactly the things I do wrong and what i need to change. But the only actual guidance I get from him is my nose rubbed in my wrongs and angry blood moon dreams. I have no idea where to even begin being *better*. How do I stop being bad? How do I stop being selfish?

[sorapikayue]

#celestial #pixel art #stars #star aesthetic #sparkle

[sorapikayue]

Doing more pixel art , but on an app in my phone. The last few days I've had low energy and have had it a little rough mentally. I've been feeling like a failure and hyper self aware of my appearance and how it affects my success and how I'm treated. It's been hard to feel up to doing anything. But I did these. The app blurred them a little more when I downloaded them onto my phone, though.

#pixel art #moon bunny #moon aesthetic #moon vibes #magatama #celestial #moon #tsukuyomi no mikoto #i just love the moon

[sorapikayue]

I hate saying it, but I'm pretty burned out. I feel like I don't have the right to claim burn out. You're supposed to work hard to be able to claim it. Considering the lack of results I get, it must not be working very hard at the things I do. But I am so exhausted from creating and coming up with ideas only to have them fail over and over again. I feel ugly, I feel frustrated with always falling short and falling flat. I might have to take another couple of months away from social media and " rethink" how I do things and " rebrand" ...AGAIN...And it's terrifying because who knows what can happen. I am scared about the future , but I know that my work is mediocre and I need to focus on getting better at a lot of things in order for it to actually take off. I also need to fix the way I look, unfortunately. I am very off putting. It's just exhausting. And recently having to decide to move on from worshipping the Moon God because he has too many dumb rules that I can't follow and because it was a toxic exchange on both ends...I am just not ok. I'm just so tired of failure.

[sorapikayue]

Never make an enemy out of the Kami of the Moon. I should have behaved myself. These nightmares are insane. I need to learn to control my feelings and be a master of my own mind so I don't develop inappropriate feelings again.

[sorapikayue]

Doing more Journaling to draw out my nightmares about the moon or Tsukuyomi sama. Thinking about this dreams....I didn't think it was possible to be hated this much by a being. Even if I gave him good reason by not having good manners and some other things , its terrifying.

It makes me wonder who sent him back in 2018 only for them to hate me as much as they do.

[sorapikayue]

Very messy journal doodles to show what my nightmares have been the last couple years or so. And usually involving the moon or a certain Kami of the moon. I finally had to force myself to let go of a certain lunar Kami because of these nightmares and had to accept what they meant.

The blond person represents me.

These dreams were terrifying, miasmic, vaguely threatening. Nothing bad happened, just dark miasmic DREAD. Fearing him. My insomnia got worse, it caused me a lot of mental and emotional distress. Sometimes divine beings really hate a person that much. It was awful.

Next time I find myself feeling for them, I'm gonna remind myself that these were my dreams when I tried worshipping them. This was my mind then.

Am I the victim? No. I was rude and not welcome in their space. They had every right to feel how they did about me.

I know that Tsukuyomi No Mikoto is good to people he actually chooses and whom approach him right way. I messed up a lot. This is my reminder. Might make fully rendered because these also look cool, even though the actual nightmares themselves sucked

#nightmares #moon #blood moon #tsukuyomi no mikoto #paganism

[sorapikayue]

My love my dear 💖💓

[sorapikayue]

I haven't done pixel art in a long time. These still need some work but its fun to do.

#pixel art #sea creatures #comb jelly #sea angel

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#mermaids #rainbows #star aesthetic #rainbow aesthetic #rainbow art

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I forgot to make a birthday post for Kurapika on here..Happy Birthday Kurapika, to my cinnamon roll.

#kurapika kurta

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#konohana #peaches #spring aesthetic #cherry blossom #peach blossom #spring

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I need to post on here more

#leaves #fairycore #fairy aesthetic #faeries

[sorapikayue]

Swoooooon

The 2nd full moon of August 2023 l Rami Ammoun

[sorapikayue]

Recently my friend died, and for me it left me with complex feelings. I'm having to grieve for her twice. First, it was realizing she wasn't the friend I thought she was, but she gave signs that she secretly didn't like hanging out with me, so I put a healthy distance between me and her. I didn't burn the bridge, but it was a hard decision to make. We had been friends since middle school and it was painful. I don't wanna go into details about why I thought she didn't like me much, and it wasn't do with her lack of energy...it had been going on long before she got sick and it took me a long time to see it. But recently she died , losing her battle with the complications that came with a chronic illness, and now I must grieve her again. I have so many mixed emotions and feelings and they go beyond just my relationship with her. I'm having to interact with the other people in that neck of the woods that also hate me , and it's awkward. There are people that suddenly care about my feelings when they previously didn't. It's been this all around emotionally painful experience of having to not only grieve for my friends, but having to have my nose rubbed in with my failures as a social being. Part of it is that I chose a career as an artist/ artisan and so my friends started to resent me because now they think I just " play all day" while they are stuck working and being miserable at jobs they hate. I've had to hide part of my life from my friends as to block out the negativity. Not only that, but admittedly, I'm not the nicest person in the world , either. I've had to face that, too. Even my old Kindred all hated me becuase they thought all I did was play all day while everyone else struggled and suffered. It's all been very isolating and lonely. I can't advocate for myself becuase I know deep down they are right. Maybe I do just play all day while everyone else I know struggles. Maybe I am just an overgrown child who doesn't understand what it means to suffer to struggle or even the meaning or hard work. So instead of having to just cry like everyone else, I sit here not only grieving for my friend, but greiving for all the connections I could have had if I had at least kept part of my life hidden from them. But I also think that maybe I need to be a kinder person, too. Maybe I haven't been kind at all, and I don't even know where to begin with that. After we do this grief thing, I know they will all go back to thinking I'm a spoiled rich bitch who gets to play all day...even though I'm not actually rich. They just assume I am. And when I've tried to explain it, they turned a deaf ear and just continued to feel that way. Someone shouldn't have to die in order for people to suddenly be kind to me. It's gross, and I hate it. My friend should still be alive, fighting for herself and her right to be creative, and we should work out our differences or at least be honest and say we don't like eachother and I can move on at least knowing the truth, not just having to play interpretive dance with passive aggressive statements. Gods, I hate this so much.

[sorapikayue]

This time it's just the Moon. Not Tsukuyomi or Mani , just an entity of the moon. Lately my mental health hasn't been the best. Thinking about Tsukuyomi sama lately has made me feel ugly and unworthy. I'm not beautiful. I have smile lines and jagged features. I am not worthy to stand before Kamisama and never will be. No skin care routine or diet can make me beautiful. Social media has shown me content that has me comparing myself to all the porcelain models with perfect faces while I'm fretting over how inflamed and gross I always feel I look. Tsukuyomi sama is associated with beauty and order and I am the opposite of that. And the harder I try to be that, the less beautiful I am. So I need to step away for a while so I don't lose my mind and can take a break from picking apart my appearance. But just thinking of the moon without all that crap is nice.

#Lunar deity #moon god #nonbinary moon god #moon aesthetic #moon #celestial #i just love the moon #anime style #dreamy aesthetic

[sorapikayue]

Mani, the Norse moon god. I did the line art a little while ago and finally colored it in.

#moon aesthetic #celestial #moon #Mani #norse gods #norse mythology #moon god #masculine moon god