soror--mystica

[soror--mystica]

Enneagram 4 vs. 9 in relation to "origin"

The difference between the 4 and the 9's longing to return to "origin" is that 9 longs to return to origin in terms of being-ness/autonomy, whereas 4 longs to return to it in terms of identity/individuality.

If a 9 has a 4 fix, I think it uses 4 only inasmuch as it can differentiate itself so that it can finally re-connect as an individual, and no longer as a nonentity (going full circle)... but it is an unconscious goal.

I think if a 9 wants to be a 4, they unconsciously don't trust that they will achieve enough separateness, so there is a sense that differentiation must never end, hence identification with 4. Thus, they are unable to anticipate a final goal (re-connection as an individual).

It probably also has to do with 9 inertia. Once the impulse to differentiate is activated, it will stubbornly remain in motion, so the goal of re-connection is lost to sight in the meantime, unless they realize it and move towards a synthesis instead.

It is sort of like the ouroboros symbol. 9 begins where the mouth eats the tail (one-sidedly attached), then realizes he/she has to traverse the length of the body (one-sidedly non-attached/separate) until it can return back to the beginning, renewed (balanced/the true essential quality of harmony). So, the return is not a regression/backward-moving but forward-moving, even though the locus in each case (beginning and end) looks exactly the same, hence the need to develop the capacity for differentiation.

#enneagram #enneagram 9 #enneagram 9w1 #enneagram 4

[soror--mystica]

Unconscious mediating tendency of 9 core operating in the 469 Enneagram trifix

I just realized that if I wasn't bombarded with so much of what I consider to be shallow or generic, I wouldn't attach so much to depth, and that the attachment is due to wanting to complete the picture, so it isn't so much that I am against the shallow but the one-sidedly shallow.

Deep down, I want to honor both the shallow/generic and deep parts of myself but feel compelled to go the other way NOT as a contrarian, but as an equalizer.

I think that is why I am frustrated. It is because the more shallow the culture at large or environment is, the less I feel able to honor the shallow part of myself lest I frivolously feed into the one-sidedness of the general energetic field… I would feel like I was complicit in a vice.

I think the part of being frustrated (anger) at the one-sidedness of the general energetic (visceral) field, and regulating it by STUBBORNLY and inflexibly going the other way (inertia of detachment) to restore equilibrium is largely a 9 core thing but the fact that it's about shallowness vs. depth seems like the 4 fix.

It's like I'm angry that people don't care to round their individual selves out (in this case, to counterbalance the shallow with depth in themselves), and therefore something ESSENTIAL (the holy virtue of wholeness) is at stake in the larger scheme of things... and so, it necessarily becomes somebody else's responsibility — that is, the person whose personality is wired to unconsciously tune into that aspect of reality aka 9. And I say responsibility because it triggers the 9's unconscious compulsion to respond (thus, it has the impact of a responsibility), so the more unconsciously one-sided (in this case, shallow) the collective is, the more it triggers my likewise unconscious mediating tendency (attaching to depth) at the expense of my individual wholeness, hence ANGER.

It's like I want people to find the paradox (carry the opposites) in themselves... because one-sidedness could only be responded to one-sidedly (like how one-sided shallowness triggers the unconscious response of one-sided depth). But if they could develop paradoxical thinking, then I would be free to be individually whole (shallow and deep) as opposed to a mediator, which is a collective role (come to think of it, it's like 4 alienation in the service of the collective or self-scapegoating).

A 6 core would probably do it in the service of a humanist/real-world ideal, whereas a 9 would do it in the service of a universalist/metaphysical ideal, so both the 6-4 and 9-4 stems reinforce the balance but with different motivations.

Also, in connection with the 6 real-world vs. 9 metaphysical dichotomy, I assume 6-4 is more likely to find depth in what is relatively familiar/of central significance, and 9-4 is more likely to find it in what is more mysterious/of marginal significance because 9 and 4 are both fantasy and withdrawn types.

#enneagram #enneagram 9 #enneagram 6 #enneagram 469 #enneagram 9w1

[soror--mystica]

Enneagram 6 and the victim/survivor complex

I think 6s can attach to the role of survivor, if no more the victim (valid though it is) probably because it increases self-belief.

If 9 is attached to being the "medium" through which the universe speaks (by always taking the middle position), and 3 is attached to being the "center" or star of society, then 6 is attached to being at the "midpoint" of the life story arc — i.e., where there is an obstacle to overcome — and the self-repossession that may come from it. This is probably why they are so attached to their journey, aka the transition from victim to survivor.

#enneagram #enneagram 6

[soror--mystica]

469 Enneagram trifix and grief

I think social 469s are into the Goth subculture because it concretely represents what I now realize is also in myself — a sense of GRIEF (all black = mourning). I only recently realized that the only images of myself that really feel like me portray some measure of "gravitas" which, as I later found out, comes from the exact same Latin root as grief, gravis.

"Pensive longing," "nostalgia," "whiny tears" are all just iterations of the core thing, grief. I think it also relates to "the endless frustrated search" — grief over the dim sense that there is no final resting place of the mind, no philosophical stopping point... and so life will continually grind you down.

I also think all three types have an emotionally exposed quality and are seeking after some kind of truth (4/6/9 = personal/practical/universal).

In addition, 6 and 9 are circling around 4 (whirlpool), hence their non-linearity, which is probably why they long to revive a sense of lineage.

#enneagram #enneagram 469

[soror--mystica]

Enneagram 9 thoughts

I used to think calm meant grounded. I did not realize one could be calm and yet still be living from the neck up. If anything, it is like putting tensions on the back burner, that is, hiding them away under gut pressure, which could only last for so long, until the full-bodied heat finally gives way, over-sensitizing you to inevitable aversive stimuli — which cannot be stomached, precisely because the gut is cut-off. The root is blocked, so the crown self-calcifies, and to prevent itself from losing its bearings, it loses itself in compulsion. I realize now that groundedness requires consciously withstanding tension so that I move with the tension, and thereby learn how to tame it. This is Vitality. On the other hand, to be calm but internally opposed to the tension would be to arrest movement, in which case I stultify and become a stone that is hopelessly a stone — stolid, yes, but sterile. The Inner Sanctum then just becomes a spiritual sickbed for the interminably convalescent. And the enabling mind becomes a headstone dragging along a corpse. This is Stagnation.

#enneagram #enneagram 9 #enneagram 9w1 #enneagram type 9 #enneagram type 9w1 #typology #personality typology #personality theory

[soror--mystica]

Random ruminations on ego/Self & preconscious vs. conscious totality

Personality is probably a supposed attempt at damage control by the ego on the Self's behalf. It is akin to the archetypal protection of females (Self) by males (ego) despite the risk of torment, but through the male protector's (ego's) suffering, the females (Self) in this case likewise suffer from their protector's loss of vitality, and so are disadvantaged nonetheless.

So the Self has the option to either do battle and suffer the full impact of living in this reality (instead of merely existing in the background), or rely more on the ego and eventually suffer nonetheless.

Put another way, the containing illusions of the ego act as an efficient defense against life's blows (efficient because the ego is concentrated as in compulsive and therefore pointed like a spear), as if by bringing one concentrated/spear-like aspect or pattern of the self to the fore as armor, one minimizes the damage done to the edgeless, "rounded" Self — but in so doing, it gets smothered with protectiveness, or is forced into being bottled up by the small ego-container until it is lost to sight and eventually forgotten.

We thereby neutralize our intrinsic complexity and reduce ourselves into a manageability that will make the world likewise manageable for us.

In the context of the Enneagram, the 9 uses a quasi-edgeless ego to protect the edgeless Self, thereby failing to protect it by assuming premature identity with it (unchecked presumption and imposition of harmony/unity — that is, neglect). The other types, on the other hand, use a too pointed ego to protect the edgeless Self, thereby failing to protect it by splitting it.

In both cases, it is masochism in order not to feel something worse... that is, the fuller suffering that comes with living the fuller self.

This puts me in mind of the Blakean pattern of "innocence/experience/redeemed innocence" in that 9s remain in innocence (sloth) and cannot commit the heroic act of cutting off from paradise behind (innocence) in order to catalyze the journey towards paradise ahead (redeemed innocence). As Carl Jung once said, "In contradiction to the saying of Christ, the faithful try to remain children instead of becoming as children." The trap for 9s is that they cannot distinguish between the preconscious totality they are enwombed in from the conscious totality they must attain to unless they are able to see through a differentiated lens to begin with. This probably applies to the other Attachment types in some other way.

Conversely, the Hexad types, I assume, are laboring in the limbo of experience, but are no longer in connection with the Archimedean point of paradise, and so have to get to a thing they are blind to, for how can one discern totality if one is entrenched in a pattern that insists on merely one definite, concentrated aspect of it?

#enneagram #spirituality #psychology #carl jung #jung

[soror--mystica]

9w1 Auto-Scapegoating

When faced with peace-disruptive conflict, or even just the looming threat of it, I sometimes subliminally and purposively take on a distressed disposition. It���s like I auto-scapegoat and bear the burdens of others by unconsciously appropriating them. I use my body as a kind of apotropaion by absorbing negative energy into myself — in other words, I use my body as a channeling vessel to ward off the disharmony. It sort of affirms my MO: “Hope for the best and prepare for the worst.” I have this genuine unconscious assumption that the surrounding energy field auto-regulates and auto-equilibrizes, probably because I project my attachment to equilibrium onto the environment… and probably because it’s true to some extent. So if something disruptive has happened, I either zone out or furtively absorb it all in the hope that the subconscious psyches of those in my environment will pick up on my unsettled psyche and then, taking it into account, auto-regulate and “settle” themselves. (This subconscious belief that people are able to pick up on subliminal cues and therefore change or adjust their behavior is probably what is also perpetuating passive-aggressive behavior). Basically, it’s masochism in order not to feel something worse. Attachment types are probably more susceptible to this, since they’re more attuned and thus adaptive.

#enneagram #enneagram 9 #enneagram type 9 #9w1 #enneagram 9w1 #enneagram type 9w1

[soror--mystica]

Enneagram 9 individuation and adaptation

As a 9, I feel freer to individuate when I conceive of people as an abstracted homogenous mass perhaps because the individual identities involved vanish into a mist; and because I am someone who is instinctively inclined to neutralize one-sidedness, I acquire greater momentum to serve as counterpoise to the obscure mass.

It feels more thrilling to contend with a mass as opposed to an individual because it gives way to a grander opportunity to transgress. But in the case of an individual, obscured identity can no longer be used as a crutch — their individual identity calls for my individual identity, and, again, as counterpoise, I in turn vanish into a mist.

To give an illustration, when I am in the midst of a crowd, I naturally assume my 4ish attitudinizing. But once faced with an individual, I can't help but water down my individuality. It's like each person is a container — the lesser they are in number, the narrower my personality's latitude; the greater they are in number, the more I am able to hone in on my individuality.

It is easier to feel antagonism towards an obscure mass, and since identity is conflict, my simultaneous attachment and resistance to it becomes grist for the mill for my sense of identity.

#enneagram #9w1 #enneagram 9 #enneagram type 9

[soror--mystica]

Some 9w1 Reflections: Existential Guilt, Identity, Attachment to Disconnect, and Art

I remember a conversation I had with a 9w8 (972) back then about meaning in life, and he said that he found meaning in happiness, which, according to him, he had already achieved. I thought it was ridiculous and still do since I always felt like something had to be sacrificed in order to derive meaning.

In hindsight, I think I've always felt in my bones that I had to suffer in order to grow, and thus I have always felt a pull towards suffering (my 1 wing?)... but the kind that I unconsciously welcomed was suffering on my own terms and therefore of my volition (need for autonomy), which explains my disorientation in the face of UNFORESEEN troubles.

I am not at all comfortable with the idea of living life without having to sacrifice something (it's like this line from a poem: "to be happy, sometimes, feels like quitting"). Without suffering, there is no meaning. But suffering that is out of my depth or beyond my purview disorients me, so I create my own suffering. As Carl Jung said: "Neurosis is always a substitute for legitimate suffering." I lead myself down the path of self-created/-regulated and therefore "knowable" suffering so as to avoid "true suffering," which requires unguarded confrontation with life's turbulent immediacy.

The forms which my self-created suffering takes seem to be self-abnegation and complacency. I partly mutilate myself in order to satisfy that drive towards suffering, to quell the existential guilt; and through this self-created/-regulated, insular suffering do I derive the yearned for sense of "growth." ("Mutilation is mystic expansion").

Carl Jung said: "One cannot individuate on top of Mount Everest ... one can only individuate with or against something or somebody." This struck me because I'm always, always resisting something. If I was put in solitary confinement in some off-the-map fortress, I would still find something in my head to resist. Every thing and every person is grist for the mill, even if it's just their memory. I could gnaw at, say, a collective idea that came to mind completely unannounced and really dig into why it's worth either rejecting or absorbing. This is habitual with me. It's a way to make clear my distinct essence or personal pattern.

Also, I just realized how easily overwhelmed I can get not just when faced with unforeseen conflict, but also with no conflict at all (attachment to disconnect). If fantastic things keep happening to me and if I keep indulging in them, I would feel "too blessed" for my own good. There'd be nothing to resist. It would almost feel like Fate itself as a 2 smothering me with gratuitous benevolence. 

On the subject of art, when I'm in the middle of creating, once my thoughts start directing themselves at me — that is, once they become more about me than the work itself (manifested as self-consciousness), the whole thing unravels. I could literally feel that the "essence" I hoped to imbue into the work has been curtailed. I always have to forget myself when I'm making art, otherwise I could not shake off the feeling that it has been contaminated with inauthenticity or self-serving intentions. I sometimes notice it in pieces of writing by others too (or at least think I can)... If there's a bit in a poem that viscerally feels self-conscious, I could not help but feel like there was a break in the flow state of mind. It's like there's no escaping true intention, which is why I value integrity. I simply assume that intentions are always written on the face of things, if one only knows how to sniff them out.

#enneagram #enneagram 9 #enneagram type 9 #typology #personality typology

[soror--mystica]

9w1 Inertia and Nostalgia

It just hit me that inertia plays out not just in my approach to life but also in my perception of life. Every moment is a proxy for selfhood. A moment feels either perfectly harmonious and smooth-flowing and "anchored" OR inharmonious and disrupted and "afloat." Likewise, either I'm continually on or not — awake or asleep, embodied or dissociated, anchored or afloat.

If I can't attend and face up to the present due to perceived disharmony in a situation, there arises a sense of incompleteness, a lack of harmony in myself that needs annexation. Therefore, I outsource material to passively (because dissociated) absorb, attach and anchor myself to so I can fill the gap in my experiencing of wholeness, in my sense of completeness. That way, I cleverly regain a sense of harmony in myself by apportioning the fulfillment of what is missing in my present experience to the "attached object" which I may passively absorb.

I was talking to a friend who I'm pretty sure is also a 9w1 and the predicament she's in right now used to be mine — it is one of compulsively hearkening back to past experiences (the past as object of attachment) to dissect them so as to fully absorb their fullness. It's returning to the full stream of what-has-already-been so as to feel anchored. Since it has definitely happened, the past is like a stable and therefore "anchored" stream from which I could sip (absorb) — it is able to fill the lack of streamlike fullness/wholeness in the present, to eliminate the disrupted state of the present.

My falling asleep to the present was therefore replaced and annexed by a passive attempt to experience totality in a more peripheral, albeit more definite and governable area of my life — my past. It's like leeching off the fullness of the past. Hearkening back to, attaching to, and absorbing past memories as in nostalgia was to shortcut my way back to the "full" stream against the perceived incompleteness of the present.

#enneagram #enneagram 9 #enneagram type 9

[soror--mystica]

Enneagram type 9 and immanence

Our egos identify with abstractions. When one says "I am an artist," we are sometimes apt to identify with the abstract and therefore transcendental idea of an artist as opposed to simply acknowledging the given and grounded fact that one paints or makes crafts. We then cease to think sober thoughts for we have become inflated by equating an abstraction with our identity.

However, should we detach ourselves from the abstract idea of "Artist," the idea will lose its meaning and symbolic allure. It gets devitalized, and therefore becomes "nothing." Consequently, we merely become someone who tries his or her hand at painting, drawing, or what have you. We lose a definitiveness of self for we cease to be mystified by definite abstractions; we too have become arbitrary — "nothing." By stripping ourselves of illusion, we become obscured. Ironically, we then identify with the Whole — an abstraction in which all other abstractions are subsumed. We become nothing, but we also become everything, which is simply to say a blank slate brimming with invisible potential for illusion. If we identify with nothing, we stagnate; if we identify with a definite something, we are deluded.

The 9 chooses the former option and so does away with delusion. But how can one truly transcend and become self-actualized if one has come to a premature halt, for then there would be nothing to transcend, nothing to breach. It is as though innate wisdom (in this case, attaching to the Whole) is a curse in disguise, a fatal barrier which may doom one to immanence, a soporific impeding one's progress for notwithstanding the fact that one possesses innate wisdom, the self-actualizing process requires a severance from it — instead of clinging to innate, childlike wisdom, it requires achieved wisdom... a kind of wisdom that has been acquired by having first sunk into delusion. This clinging to "innate wisdom" explains the 9's susceptibility to stagnation. "The way of the golden mean," taken for granted, is stagnation for it is a compromise, a succumbing to a sterile intersection. What is truly needed is an expansive and inclusive dynamism — a creative synthesis. The unevolved 9 then is merely an inactive, immanent entity brimming with invisible but immense potential.

As mentioned, the 9's strict identification with the Whole may doom them to immanence. In a sense, the 9 needs to go one step further into relativism by realizing that their belief that everything is essentially relative is ALSO essentially relative.

#enneagram #enneagram 9 #enneagram type 9

[soror--mystica]

Some thoughts in relation to the Enneagram

A realization suddenly hit me as to how I preserve my own autonomy as a 9. Basically, I want to be able to exist without there having to be a witness. I cling and attach to the idea that I am WHOLE even without having to be seen or heard by an external witness. I am self-contained. My essential selfhood is not at the mercy of others; therefore, I can be self-effacing and self-abnegating, because at the end of the day, being a witness to myself is being witnessed enough. I may have admirable gifts and profound ideas, but to HAVE to show them for them to "BE," and for them to have value... is at variance with and is therefore a threat to the kind of intrinsic being-ness that is at the core of my innate spiritual philosophy. There is something that, to me, feels terribly ensnaring about that. I am attached to the idea of being an essentially whole and freestanding entity, which explains why I can so easily acquiesce to anything that is, in contrast, temporal and extrinsic.

I think a good way to describe a 9 is: “(Over)focus blurs.” When the spotlight is on me or whenever I'm too "present," I feel like one-half of my self, that is, my inner, oceanic, "essential" being, is running the risk of being terribly overlooked and dulled, so I have to "disappear" to preserve and nourish that essential self — its mystery and its boundlessness — so it won't be superseded by my limited ego-self which, in turn, would make me feel dry, inert, and sterile.

In a manner of speaking, the 9 is hydrophilic — they need to be in connection with their oceanic self (to be "washed" by it but also to "wash" things with it). I am compelled to always consider that other, amorphous self... lest I get hounded by concrete reality. In a way, I'm preserving a sense of autonomy.

#enneagram