spasmsofhumanity

[spasmsofhumanity]

i have witnessed unspeakable horrors . the horrors weren't undescribable or anything, i just had to sign an NDA

#wip: the horrors (derogatory)

[spasmsofhumanity]

"normal guy in an really weird place just chilling" and "weird thing or creature in a really normal place confused as hell" are both extremely funny concepts to me

#wip: the horrors (derogatory)

[spasmsofhumanity]

Bro the horrors are so real. No really they’re right outside bro. Bro no matter what don’t open your door. Bro you’re breaking up. I think it’s too late. Bro?

#the black friday event... *shivers*

[spasmsofhumanity]

the horrors may be unrelenting but motherfucker so am i!

[spasmsofhumanity]

I’m a reliable narrator. You can trust me

#true

[spasmsofhumanity]

A devastated retail worker comes back from the dead.

#me on a daily basis

[spasmsofhumanity]

the horrors are well within my comprehension but I wish they weren't

#yeahhh....

[spasmsofhumanity]

Okay so some of you may remember from my last rant how Kathularen owed us a few of her sacrifices right? So that. Backfired.

So good news first, they aren't animals. We already have so many mascots that any more and we would have to convert into a spa&petting-zoo, with mostly goats for some godforsaken reason.

Okay I got off-track- now, about the sacrifices, or the new employees. After the mandatory therapy (horrors beyond comprehension getting sacrificed to an Old One yadda yadda, trust me it's not that big of a deal. Kudos for management for making it free, though), one had to be sent back to school under our custody - they're like, twelve - while this nice older lady got right to work like nothing happened. Makes puns, gives massages, doesn't take shit from the clients, we love her. Somehow stole her cat back from the mortal world. His name is Satie which I think might be short for Satan and he's the most darling creature alive (I have to stay away from him because fucking allergies but he is Baby).

But. There's the third fucking guy. I think he's around college student age - anyways he just? Follows me around? It was fine at first because he was supposed to learn the craft and all that, but it's been a week and he just. Stands there. And look, he's this listless lanky thing that looks about 0.4 seconds away from an emotional breakdown. The dude jumps when the doorbell rings. Sending him away feel way too much like kicking a puppy for my personal comfort. So uhh. I'll just. Try to motivate him or something ig. Or talk to management. Or HR (although I hope to the Void it doesn't get to HR. They are legit not okay).

#seriously this dude is watching me type this right now #with his sad fucking doe eyes #I feel like a adopted a dog with abandonment issues #wip: the horrors (derogatory) #my writing #original writing #eldritch horror

[spasmsofhumanity]

oh so when the reader knows something i don’t it’s “dramatic irony” but when i know something the reader doesn’t suddenly i’m an “unreliable narrator” 🙄

#dude FELT #I'm not that unreliable I just don't give a fuck 'bout the details okay-

[spasmsofhumanity]

Cosmic horror protagonist who has seen the Terrible Truth but is so good at repression and compartmentalization that she goes about her life just fine.

#I ain't seen nothing what are you a cop

[spasmsofhumanity]

SHE DID IT she demanded to speak to the manager, and I, being the absolute delight and role model of a perfect employee that I am, summoned the manager, who in this case was Carl. She tried to start the old virgin blood talk to which Carl asked how she would know the sort of blood without drinking it, which a) yes, she absolutely did do b) is strictly against the rules, otherwise we wouldn't stop running out of employees. Anyways she now owes us three sacrifices and is banned for at least a couple of centuries, and Carl said fe'll get me and extra blood transfusion tonight. Sometimes I do love my job

those horrors may not be above my comprehension but they're definitely above my paygrade

#wip: the horrors (derogatory)

[spasmsofhumanity]

Update: okay yeah some of them Are beyond comprehension and it's "bUt yoU dIdn't usE vIrGin bloOd fOr thE rejuvEnAting baTh" Kathularen. Lady, you saw me draw the blood and I know you spread the whole "he's not really ace he's doing it for the attention" crap at the last great family summoning and I'm the only reason you don't look a day over two million. Have you maybe considered that your actions may have consequences

those horrors may not be above my comprehension but they're definitely above my paygrade

#wip: the horrors (derogatory)

[spasmsofhumanity]

"but David what would you manicure on a tentacle" shows just how much you know about tentacle care. Those bitches need so much moisture keeping them healthy is the real horror

those horrors may not be above my comprehension but they're definitely above my paygrade

#wip: the horrors (derogatory)

[spasmsofhumanity]

my job ain't to comprehend them it's to manicure the tentacles

those horrors may not be above my comprehension but they're definitely above my paygrade

#original writing #wip: the horrors (derogatory)

[spasmsofhumanity]

those horrors may not be above my comprehension but they're definitely above my paygrade

#unreality tw #original writing #i promise I'm going somewhere with this #my writing