#“well damn that sucks. sorry dude” and didnt offer anything else | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bunnyriviere · 3 years

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my god i cant get my head out of this mess so imma rant, then MAYBE i can focus on my assignment like damn babe i thought your passion is stats, why are you obsessing over a guy that doesnt care enough. huh? care about stats instead babe!!!!!! i just want to only have to care about maths but i know my life is ruined if i dont have relationships, so i try. but i must suck at it so bad if everything just ends in flame like this, im so tired im teary eyes.

im on my phone and honestly dont know how to do the uh line to cut short the post so if anybody unfortunately see this im sr :(

this is not even about a romantic relationship, i dont even know why i just couldnt like a person like that but damn fine. this is about a male friend i made in grade 11 i guess. i have never liked men. im afraid of them and dont want to have to interact with them ever. i know its bad and i should change but i just really want them away from me im sorry..... so i wasnt even friendly with him, but i was polite, i know how to be a decent person. he was friendly and nice and friends to all which only made me think aw geez just stop being friendly i know this is not because you like me. but i was eating the snack he brought to class anytime he brought it without much thought cause he offered i aint gonna say no. all the while still not consider him a friend. not until a friend said im not being nice if im eating his food while still not seeing him as a friend. and i have always feel bad about not being friendlier towards men in general and he made the 1st move which made it easier for me to just go along. so i did and thats how we became friends.

hes really nice and i mean it. i think really highly of him. maybe its just me having bad luck so i havent met many that are nice?? i really believe they are just myth tbh, im about to settle for that thought. and this guy is really how i wish is the standard for all men. hes just that good, i have no complain. i truly like him and glad that my friend said something cause otherwise we probably wouldnt be friends.

again no romantic feeling. i just have to, remind the invisible audiences of this post i guess.

now we all know covid. and because of it, i couldnt come home and wanted to lay in bed even more than normal. so i didnt push for it when he said he couldnt meet anybody in the summer because he didnt want to accidently give somebody it. just saying that cause this is a 2 ways road right, nothing is ever only his fault, its also mine. i want to rant about my feelings but i dont want to dismiss any mistakes i made yk. so we didnt meet up then.

christmas came and before then we were talking about christmas gift and i didnt wanna any so i didnt prepare anything also. this person is too nice and i dont want him to feel bad. but anw i just thought maybe we can still meet up even if its not for gift exchanging. but i didnt ask or anything at all cause well, hes from here, he has family and friends that are definitely closer to him, and he had work. i know hes busy and if he wanna hang out he know where to find me. i just dont want to accidentally add something more onto his list of to do. he would be too nice to say no. and we are not that close i dont want to add more work for him. i dont have relatives or friends here other than him so im free anytime if he wanted to meet up. but that didnt happen, i dont think we talked at all. which fine i hate to admit but i was hurt. ugh hate showing how vulnerable i am. yuck. yikes. -100/10.

i just didnt think about it? i didnt try to reach out either so that was my fault too but just, if he didnt care then i wont either. so i really didnt think about him anymore.

came reading week! it really was 1 year from the last time i saw him honestly. he asked to meet up and if i want to go somewhere and tbh no im in the countryside rn is that the corect word so there are no place to go. but i remembered this 2ndhand place i like to go sometimes and i hadnt gone in a while so why not. so we agreed on that. and i know he was probably just tired, and there are people who sigh a lot, its not uncommon. but not seeing him for a long while and knowing this is a place i suggested, him doing that really made me feel bad. i probably shouldnt, but couldnt get the thought that he was probably doing this just because hes friendly not because hes friend with me. it fucking sucked. when we got out and he dropped me back at my home i still felt so bad he didnt get to enjoy himself so i asked if we could watch jojo together. yeah he loves jojo. i dont really care for anime im so sr i prefer realing manga lmao sr.

now ok maybe im still being dumb, probably. but tldr i truly believe people can be friends and affectionate even when they are from opposite sex. it didnt work out so well cause i got molested lmao cause some other guy thought that was cool to do. so that honestly worsen my uh wariness of men. but like i said, i think ive said it, i trust this person. honestly i do, we hug a lot and i had never felt afraid of it. i believe he wont do anything. im just really comfortable around him. so we cuddled while watching anime, that had happened before im really sr if you think thats wrong, i still believe that could happen.

but maybe its because i was tense from thinking he really didnt enjoy hanging out with me that much. i kept connecting remembering what the molester did and while i just knew i swear i knew he wouldnt do anything like that, i couldnt get it out of my head. i felt bad for that but there were just 2 things that happened so similar to what happened with the molester. haizz he kinda laced our fingers together but it wasnt handholding, same thing happened once before with m-dude and it felt weird but i didnt want to question that friendship so i didnt. and at some point of jojo i kinda jumped and he held me back, not pulled me back or anything but was holding me in place, and it was probably to make me feel safe but honestly if anybody even use a little bit of force i will just think of when i finally got the courage to turn around to confront the other dude for touching me, he held me back and i couldnt move at all. i think i froze a bit.

argh back to the main story. see how i totally suck? hahaha just blaming this friend for something somebody else did. im so sorry, i suck.

well after that we picked up talking again but idk! was it me overthinking? was it? because it felt like he didnt want to talk to me at all. it was, how to say it. he was friendly yes he talked hmm. damn how-- it felt like he didnt care for what i said. its a feeling idk how to put into words. and that sucks. he didnt seem interested in me before, felt happy enough when we cuddled, then back to being uninterested. i knew i know he doesnt want me romantically. damnit am i only good now for hugs. are we friends? what i meant is not sex but am i only good for physical stuff? i dont fucking know, the m-dude obviously just want a fwb and i was to trusting to notice. is this my gut feeling or my anxiety idk!

another side story. another guy suddenly expressed interested in me right when covid hit but it was because he couldnt get over his ex so i stopped talking to him for a while and picked it back up when i thought he was no longer idk being annoying about it. i thought he had to at least like me as a person to even express he liked me romantically. but apparently not. he looked so uniterested suddenly and denied when i asked, then stopped reading my texts.

so you see. i just cant if haiz ok do- do anybody like me? just as a person? idk.

god i knew i fucking suck for being so sensitive and anxious and im sr for wanting stuff but maybe i want you to look like you care a bit when i said you are reminding me of the m-dude, instead of saying ok we can talk less then. i already felt like you dont want to talk to me, you dont have to say that...

officially crying heyho.

just saying no you dont dont like talking to me when your actions were saying the opposite is not cutting it either... i also thought highly of the covid confession guy too but what happened now. im sorry for comparing you to others! but i learn from experiences... and this was sus... (yah its a joke i cant help it.)

and if i just agreed and stopped talking to him right it just, felt like a confirmation that yeah its true hes just letting me hug him not because im his friend and he knows i like hugs so he lets me. but its more like its convenient that a girl is hugging him so he wont say no. something like that. that sucks. thats all im good for. if i were his friend, it would include the talking too.

ah!! i know we are not close, we are both casual friend. he is definitely not on my top list to tell stuff to but damn i still like him enough to hurt. and to not asking for too much.

so anw i kept talking with the anxiety that never got solved and that made me frustrated and i picked at his insecurity to made him hate me enough to stop talking to me cause i couldnt bring myself to stop, id feel so bad. this is really toxic and i admit this is not the first time ive done it, to a different person but its the same thing.

hahaha act like i hate him while just want him to see how i feel so bad. yeah im a tsundere.

it worked so i stopped talking to him for a week and focused on talking to my other friends. friends i know without a doubt love me and want me because i really didnt feel that with him at all. sorry i know you were tired with covid.

that made me felt better and i was not in panic mode anymore, i can calmly assess things now. and before, i felt bad because i truly believed i was just seeing things, i couldnt see pass my anxiety and was blaming him for what, nothing. he did want to talk to me. but my mind was clearer after that one week and yeah i cant really make more excuses? yes i was sensitive and made things worse, but there must be something for me to pick up first. it didnt just come out of thin air.

so i sent him some texts saying that, because just leaving without a word is bad communication. i have to tell him and at least give him a chance to change i guess? did he need change? im doubting myself.

i- hm he just said yeah his look and way of talking really make him look like hes tired and uninterested, and laughed at my marie kondo joke. you know the one. idk! all i saw in that was yeah thats how it is, accept it. and i-- i, cant? i dont want to... i dont want to :(

but my mindset for just about anything is value the process, not the result, like as long as you put work in! thats great! and he- he was, talking... he put work in..... i would feel so bad to deny it. but at the same time, it was not enough... i hate! to say you need to do at least this and that! but it didnt feel like enough..... im sorry :(((( i am.

ive talked about my tendency to lash out. last time i didnt want it but i had to get away quick so i didnt mean it but i still did it. but this time i was truly angry. because i just wished there was more care for me but i know that was all there was, and i couldnt do anything about it. couldnt even ignore him. he was even drier then, and i got it, i lashed out at him, ofc he wasnt going to be friendly. but just why were you trying so hard... no, no it was not trying hard, you were answering texts at the speed of once every 2 days. why were you answering at all? you clearly didnt want to. but again so was i. did i really have a say.

so i sent angry texts at him. about how fake his friendliness was, did he really consider me friend, why did he keep saying no it was not that he was uninterested while it was obvious that he was. also that i want to fight him. i really do want to. hopefully he will beat me up hard enough that i can be in a coma and die in 9 months idk. (listen 9 months is enough time to make a new human, if im not awake by then, you need to let me go, thats my wish.)

he said that no he doesnt like to fight and thats the last text i got from him.

because ofc i dont hate him him, the whole him idk what im saying. just angry and hate that hes not matching me on how we value this relationship i guess. not besties like how he likes to joke, but eh, was hoping more than what i was sensing. i still sent a text being like ok fine do you still want to talk and if so how do you want me to do. but he didnt answer it in time so i decided for him that nah we wont talk anymore.

heyho i was sad, i am sad. and ok hear me out, HEAR ME, i dont use tarot for future but just for my feelings and how to deal with them, and my deck said ok babe this is the end, you will have to move on now. so i will.

tbh lmao for every relationships that i emotionally invested in. i always make an essay on my feelings because thats how i conclude things, and so i wont forget that my feelings are legit. so the moment i started this post, hes dead to me i guess.

wow this post is long. but i did really like him so.

im moving to uni city next month but i know he will leave in the summer so i wont have to worry about seeing him then. and probably not further in the future either, we go to different uni and are quite far away and our common are not gonna question things i dont think. dont think they would even notice, we are not in a group or anything. and even if i do end up meeting him. my feelings while was anger, but it stemmed from sadness and disappointment so it wouldnt be too bad. on the other hand... m-dude..... i am afraid of meeting you, lets please please please not meet damnit.

#xxxpauline

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video-killed-the-radio-host · 5 years

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Father Dearest

With the help of the ever amazing @acealex-blueiguana , we wrote some angst about Cecil’s not very nice father.

TW: racism against Carlos, homophobia, deadnaming, misgendering

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Cecil puts the phone down, his face paler than usual. He leans on the counter and presses a hand over his mouth.

Carlos looks up from his work at the table. "Cecil? What is it?" He stands. "What's wrong? What happened?"

Cecil turns, burying his face in Carlos's shoulder.

"Love, I need you to talk to me." Carlos says softly, rubbing Cecil's back.

Cecil picks up his head. "My father is coming over for dinner." He whispers.

"I thought your father was dead?"

Cecil shakes his head but doesn't look up. "No. I wish I could say he was though."

"Maybe he wants to make amends?"

"You really think so?"

"We shouldn't rule it out."

Cecil nods but doesn't look convinced. He lets out a soft sigh and looks away. "Michael will be home soon."

"What are we going to tell your father?"

"It's none of his damn business!" Cecil snaps before taking a breath. "I'm sorry." He whispers. "I'm sorry."

"Hey." Carlos murmurs, cupping Cecil's face. "We'll figure it out. I promise." He turns as the door opens. Michael stands there for a moment, laughing and waving at presumably at Mika.

Michael walks into the house, shutting and locking the door behind him. "Home!" He calls out and carefully walks to the kitchen counter to lay his backpack down.

Carlos steps away from Cecil after giving him a soft kiss. "How was your day?" He asks,pulling open the fridge. "I'm thinking lasagna for dinner. What do you think?"

"There was a fight at school. Bet ya can guess at least one person involved." He smirks. "Whatever you make is always good. Still better than my house." The words come so easily. This is home to him now, but when did the change in his mind happen?

Carlos laughs. "Even Cecil's cooking is better than your house.'

"Hey! Rude. My cooking isn't that bad."

Carlos closes the fridge. "You made toast inedible."

"Maybe I like it burnt."

"Not even Khoshekh would eat it."

Cecil huffs a pout before looking at Michael. "Michael...um...my father is coming over tonight. I wanted to let you know."

The boy tilts his head, eyebrows furrowed. "Your father? How did he even find you?" He asks before shaking his head and twisting his sleeves. "Do- um- do you want me to stay someplace else while hes here then? I can stay at the station or see if Mika will let me crash with them- theyre normally down for it…"

"I have no idea…" Cecil shakes his head. "No. This is your home and if he doesn't like it, he can leave." As much as he didn't want to admit it, having Michael there would help to keep him grounded.

"Okie dokie." He pauses. "Um… if you change your mind, let me know. I can get Mika to pick me up if needed… I'm not really the greatest kid, and I dont wanna cause problems with your da- father."

"I'd rather have you here than him." Cecil says with a small smile.

Carlos puts the pasta dough and a jar of homemade sauce on the counter. "Do you know anything about your father?"

Cecil shakes his head with a sigh. "Never met him."

"Samesies." Michael says, trying to lighten the mood, before giving Cecil a hug. "We'll figure it out."

"Yes we will because that's what we do." Carlos smiles.

Cecil nods a little, wrapping his arms around Michael. "Yeah."

Unsure how to help right now, the boy changes topic to get Cecils mind on something else. "Mika was in the fight. They did good as usual. They also got suspended but promised they'd still walk me there and hang around until its time for us to go home."

"Who did they fight this time? And why?"

Carlos shakes his head with a laugh. "That kid is something else." He says as he starts to roll out the dough.

"One of the jocks on the football team. They threw food at Roger, so Mika threw a fist." He smiles. "Roger's okay. We checked on him before they got dragged to the office."

"Ah that means I'll be getting a phone call from a conflicted Earl later then." Cecil chuckles softly. "Oh well. I'm glad he had someone to stand up for him."

Carlos looks over his shoulder. "I don't condone fighting but i hope Mika kicked their ass."

"We both try to stand up for him, but Mika does a much better job." He nods. "They definitely kicked his ass. The dude didnt even know what was happening at first."

"I'm sure you won't have a problem with him anymore."

Carlos lets out a loud groan, making Cecil jump. "We are out of garlic!"

"Carlos it's not the end of the world."

"It's bad luck. My mama said that if you don't have garlic in your house when a stranger comes, bad things will happen."

"So get more garlic?" Michael offers. "Did you have garlic when I showed up?"

"Course we did. It wasn't fresh though…"

"I'll just run to the store and-" Cecil is cut off by the doorbell. He pales a little. "He's here." He whispers.

"Breathe, dad. We got this." The boy hugs Cecil tighter. "I'll get the door if ya want."

Cecil shakes his head. "No. I'll be alright." He takes a deep breath and squares his shoulders before crossing to the front door and opening it. He stared at the man on the other side of the door in shock. He looked just like Cecil, same deep eyes and platinum hair. He was lacking the winding tattoos though as far as Cecil could see. No wonder my mother hated looking at me. Cecil thinks.

Brian stands for a moment before crossing his arms. "You going to make your old man stand outside all night?"

Cecil quietly moves to the side, watching the man enter the house.

Michael grabs his bag off the countertop and slings one strap over his shoulder. "I'll- um- go put my stuff away…" he says to Carlos: his tone hinting at his growing anxiety. Visitors at his house always meant stricter parents than normal. After all, they have to save face and br the happy family the Richardsons claim they are.

He cautiously walks into the living room, doing his best to stay hidden and out of the way. He just has to make it to his room.

Carlos nods and puts a reassuring hand on Michael's shoulder before joining Cecil in the living room. "Hello Mr. Palmer. I'm-"

"Cecil you got yourself a maid?" Brian asks, looking impressed.

"I'm not-"

"Carlos is my husband." Cecil corrects.

"No. No son of mine is a fag."

Michael tenses at the word. "Not really your son." The kid, against his better judgement, mumbles under his breath as he's halfway across the room.

That catches Brian's attention and he studies the child. "You must be Michelle. The nice lady in yellow at the station told me about you."

"His name is Michael." Cecil says, shoulders tense. "And-"

Sensing that Cecil is about to ramble, Carlos speaks up. "Would you like a drink? Dinner is in the oven so we have about forty five minutes before we can eat."

"Got any whiskey?"

"We don't drink."

Brian cocks an eyebrow. "Since when? Last I heard you were a drunk and a whore." He snaps at Michael. "Get me a drink girl."

Of course she did. Lauren is just wonderful that way isnt she. Michael tries to brush off the sinking feeling in his stomach. He still has to put his bag away after all, so he ignores the request. Brian makes him feel similar to his Father, but Cecil and Carlos wouldnt let him hurt him. Right?

So Michael just grips his strap tighter and continues walking to the guest room. Theyve got forty five minutes to survive this "pleasant" conversation. He can manage that.

"Leave him alone. I'll get your drink." Cecil stands, grateful for the excuse to leave the room. He gets a glass of water but leans on the counter to collect himself. He hears his father call after him, something about not liking his attitude.

"Kids these days. To lazy to even listen." He looks at the Hispanic man he was left alone with. "It's bad enough my son is a fag but he settled for a mexican of all people?"

Carlos tightens his jaw and waits before answering. "I am not a Mexican. Not all Hispanics are from Mexico. I'm from Chile."

"I don't care what you are."

Michael flings his bag onto the bed. "People fucking suck." He says to himself. He doesnt want to go back out there, but he doubts Carlos or Cecil would be happy with him hiding away. So he snags his rubiks cube off the night stand and makes his way back to the living room.

"I'm not going to sit here and let you insult me."

"Well you're free to go back to the field you came from with-" Brian clicks his tongue. "Six bastard kids?"

"Here." Cecil interrupts before Carlos could answer. "All we have is water." That isn't the truth but his father didn't need to know about the bottle of wine stored away for a special day.

"Damn took you long enough. I see your mother didn't teach you anything about good manners."

"She was too busy raising two kids by herself."

"And what's your excuse with her?" He gestures at Michael.

Michael glances up at him before turning his attention back to the rubiks cube. It's the only way to keep himself from misbehaving. The click of the cube and the ability to keep his hands busy help his anxiety in a manner that doesnt destroy the sleeves of hoodies. Hes trying to swallow the growing pit of dysphoria, knowing that this evening will only make it worse.

"He's fine." Carlos sits down in a recliner as Cecil settles in the rocking chair. "You're hardly in a place to give parenting advice."

Cecil looks over, his face pale again. "Carlos…"

Brian shakes his hand and sets the glass down with a thud. "What you know about being a father? Besides the fact that you're supposed to throw sandals at them to shut them up."

The boy flinches at the cup and bites his tongue. He wants to say something. He wants to stand up for his dads, but hes scared. He doesnt know how Brian will react, and hes only just starting to heal again after being beaten by his own father.

"Is there a reason you're here or did you just come to insult my lifestyle?"

Looking away from Carlos, Brian looks at Cecil. "You'll do well to speak when spoken to boy."

"You'll do well to-"

"Why don't we change the subject?"

Michael keeps his head down, afraid of what might happen if he steps out of line. He's nearly done with solving the rubiks cube. Click. Click. Click. The sound near deafening when the conversation has silences.

"Fine. Straight to the chase then."

Cecil doesn't answer, pulling out his latest project and a set of knitting needles. He does look up when he feels eyes on him.

"Do you have any sense of manhood at all?"

"He could kill you with those needles." Carlos muses. "And I'd help."

Click. Click. Click. The boy smiles as he solves the cube. "Carlos?" He asks. Waving the cube at the scientist, he silently asks for him to shuffle before tossing it across the room to him.

Carlos catches the cube and looks at it for a moment before beginning to shuffle it. He turns it and shakes his head, shuffling it more before tossing it back. "There ya go."

"Some of us appreciate the beauty in art and take pride in what they make." He looks up at his father. "Even if it isn't what you want." He had a cold but sad look in his eyes.

"If it isn't good enough, toss it away and start over. That's common sense."

"The Chinese fix broken things with gold to show they are still beautiful despite being broken."

"Well last I check we are not Chinese. And we are to good for broken things. When something breaks, throw it away."

Michael scoffs at Brian's first words. That's what his birth parents did, but Cecil is different. "And you know all about common sense." He mutters as he works on the cube again. The kid knows he's not suppose to speak but cant help it. This dick is a moron, and hes lucky that Mika didnt stay for dinner like usual.

"Excuse me little girl?"

"You're good at throwing things away." Cecil whispers.

"You will not speak to your father that way."

"You cant call yourself that. You're just a deadbeat sperm donor." Michael snaps before he can catch himself.

"That is definitely out of line…" He mentally scolds himself. "Mika will find this amusing."

"You gave up the right to call yourself my father when you walked out before my mother and I even left the hospital." Cecil snaps, dropping his project to his lap.

"You haven't earned the right to have me be your father."

"You never even gave me the chance to try and be good enough for you!"

Carlos flinches at Cecil's words but tenses as Brian stands.

Panic and fear flood Michael's system when Brian stands, but the idea of him hurting Cecil forces himself to his feet. A giant on one end and a teen a little over five feet on the other. Brian is like his Father, but for some reason he doesnt feel as terrified standing up to him. "This is not your house. You do not get to talk to my dad like that." He growls.

Cecil keeps his eyes level with Brian as he stands, despite his heart pounding in his chest. Especially when Michael speaks.

Brian stops his track toward Cecil and turns on Michael. "You do not tell me how to deal with my son. I'm too late to make a decent man but I'm sure that can change."

Cecil stands and moves across the room, stopping in front of the older man. "I am not afraid of you, Brian Alexander Palmer."

Cecil barely flinches when a wide hand comes across his face.

"You do not get to address me like that. I am your father!"

"Abby was more of a father to me than you ever could have been."

Carlos manages to catch Brian's wrist before he can hit Cecil again. The motion causes Brian's sleeve to slip down a little.

Cecil's eyes fall on the marks on Brian's arms. The needle marks he knew all too well. I'm just like him….

Maybe Mika wasnt the best influence, or maybe they were the best one Michael could have.

As soon as Brian hit Cecil, Michael was reacting. He would gladly take pain if it kept Cecil safe. Rage immediately flooded the panic that was in his chest, and he throws the rubiks cube directly at Brian's head. "Asshole!" Michael yells. Hands clenched into fists; his body moving forward towards the bastard. Fight or flight. For once the boy chooses to fight.

Brian's head snapped to the side when it was struck by the plastic cube and he jerks his hand free from Carlos's grip. "You little bitch!" He brings his heel down on the cube, feeling it break under his foot. "I'll put you in your place since my worthless son can't seem to do that."

Cecil and Carlos react at the same time, rushing toward Brian as he lunges toward Michael.

Carlos manages to get ahold of the back of Brian's shirt but Cecil gets an elbow to the Face and stumbles back.

Too late to change my mind now. Michael's eyes dart to Cecil as he gets knocked back, but he stands his ground. Fists clenched, and eyes determined. He knows how to dodge and throw a punch. Hes not allowed to defend himself, but hes not defending himself right now. Hes defending Cecil. Hes defending his dad.

Carlos pulls Brian back towards him and away from Michael. "Not in my house."

Brian struggles against Carlos's hold. "The little brat needs to know her place."

Cecil picks himself up, nose bleeding a little but he didn't care. "You will not lay a hand on my son."

"My place is here. You do not get to talk to my dads like that." Murder in the boy's eyes.

"Where is your real family? Cause I sure as hell know this isn't it. Cecil's to dumb to keep anything alive more than a week."

"Out." Cecil says, voice shaking a little. "I want you out of my house."

"I came for dinner and we haven't eaten yet so I'm not leaving until I get what I came for."

Carlos brings his free and up to grasp the back of Brian's neck. "You heard him."

"This is my real family. But you havent met everyone." His eyes hold fire as he stares at the bastard. "Trevor! Can you help? Please!" The boy yells, making sure the sheriff's secret policeman can clearly hear. "Be lucky Mika didnt stay for dinner, or youd already be dead. You are nothing but worthless scum. So get out."

"Who the hell is Trevor?"

"If you bothered to stick around, you'd know." Cecil couldn't fight the smirk as the door was flung open.

"In my defense," Trevor says as he makes his way toward where Brian was struggling in Carlos's hold. "I would have intervened sooner but I didn't want to spook you. Also I found cool lizard in the bush." The Secret Policeman stops in front of Brian. "I was wondering if I'd ever see your face again Brian. I haven't missed it." He punches Brian in the nose, causing a satisfying crack. "That's for hitting an upstanding member of our town." He then thumbs Brian's forehead. "That's cause you're ugly."

"I appreciate it, Trevs." Michael smiles. "Did ya get any pictures of the lizard?"

"Hold em for me?" Trevor takes Michael's hand and puts down a blue gecko with orange spots. "It's not poisonous. I already checked. I'll take this" He takes ahold of Brian's arm. "And be back soon."

"You better take your hands off of me! I have rights!"

"Night Vale doesn't work like the outside world and I'm sure you'll find that out." Carlos calls with a wave before looking back at Cecil.

His nose had stopped bleeding which is good but he still was shaken up.

"Hey" Carlos says softly. "It's alright. He's gone now."

The boy cups his hands to keep the gecko in his hold. "I'm sorry for not behaving and staring a scene… I didnt mean for you to get hurt…" Michael whispers. He made it worse. Maybe he shouldve stayed with Mika.

Cecil shakes his head. "I was dumb to think he would be a nice guy." He sits down and puts his head in his hands. "I'm sorry I let him in here. I should have known better."

"There's no way you could have known…"

"I should have known! And what if I turn out just like him? I already am like him…." He groans. "I should have known."

Michael plays with the lizard as he walks over to Cecil. "Hey…" He gently taps Cecil with his foot. "You're not like him. I can prove it. Do ya want me t list all the ways I already know you're nothing like him?"

"He has my face and…" he leans down and rolls up his pant leg, revealing the needle scars. "It's easier to hide on my legs. I'm no better than he is."

The boy ignores Cecils attempt to argue. Hes not shocked by the scars; Em had told him about Cecil's past before. Still playing with the lizard, he sits on the floor.

"You dont drink. Ya dont misgender me- not accidentally and never intentionally unless it's to keep me safe from Mother and Father. You dont snap demands at me. You're not racist or sexist. Ya see good in broken things, and you dont see them as just trash to be thrown away. You havent walked out on your family." He lists. "Ya never broke my rubiks cube before." He gives a small smile. "You let me play with Tic Tac which I know he wouldnt ever allow if they belonged to him. You're a good dad."

"According to Abby so was he until I came along."

"And yet...you made the best you could with a shitty hand and you didn't let it beat you. Because you're stronger than he is. You are not your past. And you are not him. You are better than him."

"According to my case worker, Mother and Father were good people before I came along. Does it make it my fault that they're not good people now?" He asks wanting to prove a point.

Cecil opens his mouth to argue but whatever he was going to say was cut off by the over going off.

"See? Even the oven disagrees with you." Carlos chuckles. He stands and goes to the oven to pull dinner out.

"I know this shouldn't bother me as much as it does but it's a...chain isn't it? Hereditary?" He runs a hand through his hair. "I don't want to be like that."

"Theres no way you'll be like that. Carlos wouldnt let ya. You arent your father. Hes more of a sperm donor actually, and that doesnt determine how the kid will turn out. I dont know my birth parents, but I dont think I'm like them. I mean I wouldnt give up a defenseless kid and have them left in the snowy night only a couple hours of being alive. That's just a messed up thing to do." He pauses, taking one of Cecils hand and letting the gecko crawl onto it. "You already have shown that you're much better than Brian. You're a dad. Hes a deadbeat."

Cecil gives a small smile at the lizard before looking up at Michael. "It isn't often we switch roles." He says, his expression soft. "You're such a good kid."

"No, I'm a terrible child." He smiles. "Mika is so gonna have a field day when they find out I yelled and threw my rubiks cube at your sperm donor."

"I hope he's locked away when you tell them about how I let myself get slapped because they might go nuts."

"You didnt even flinch! I dont know how you did that! I flinched when he put his cup down too hard."

"I think I knew it was coming. I've spent enough time with pissing off Lauren to know when I'm about to get hit. Or stabbed. Or kicked. Or- yeah. I think you get the idea."

"I'm use to it too, but I still flinch. Even when m not gonna get hit, I still flinch. Its impressive."

"Tell ya a secret. I almost went into cardiac arrest. It's amazing I didn't."

"How about you stop talking about dying and come eat before this gets cold?" Carlos calls.

"I propose after dinner we watch a movie and try to salvage this evening. What do you think?"

"I couldve fought him. You and Carlos were quick to shutting that down though. Lame." He giggles and stands up, grabbing Cecils arm and trying to pull him up. "What movie?"

"I didn't want to risk you getting hurt. I can take more than you can." Cecil points out as he stands. "Coraline?"

"If I can knock you on your ass and slam Father into a wall with my ankle more sprained than usual, I think I could handle Brian." He huffs before smiling. "Okie dokie."

"I had never met him. I don't know what kind of damage he could do. I refused to risk your safety. And that's all I'm saying on it." Cecil says, hoisting Michael over his shoulder and depositing him at the kitchen table.

The boy squeaks when Cecil lifts him up and laughs when he gets dropped off at the table.

"Children. Settle down so we can eat." Carlos said,sitting the pan on the table. "Don't make me smack you both with a spoon."

"Uh rude."

"Oh hush and eat."

#wtnv #welcome to night vale #wtnv carlos #carlos the scientist #cecil palmer #wtnv cecil #cecilos #michael palmer #alex writes #angst #tw racial slurs #tw homophobia #tw misgendering #tw deadnaming

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