#♡ ⸺ hiniji.

[peachmuses]

knb, ship edition tags.

#♡ ⸺ nijihimu. #♡ ⸺ shuumako. #♡ ⸺ shuzuya. #♡ ⸺ hiniji. #♡ ⸺ haryou. #♡ ⸺ aosaku. #♡ ⸺ chiyou. #♡ ⸺ umoyo. #♡ ⸺ koshi. #♡ ⸺ kikuro. #♡ ⸺ yamatsuki. #♡ ⸺ kazuki. #♡ ⸺ tatzuya. #♡ ⸺ makoya.

[peachmusesa]

sociieties asked: do you love him, nijihimu

hideaki is the sun and freedom and the skies and everything good in the world. shuuzou should love him / love the freedom that runs his fingers through his hair in the night / love the light that shines on his skin when their bodies come together to meet / love that he’s gentle with shuuzou’s own rough and jagged edges that comes from being shattered one too many times. hideaki is kind and caring and gentle and ---- nice. but he is not cool anger that runs through veins / he is not card tricks and sly grins and hands that appear to soft / gentle to throw a punch but does anyways / he is not bets and gambles. he is not running wildly at three am and swinging on the sets when they cant sleep and both decide to meet in the middle of no where just to spend a little bit of time together. hideaki --- is responsibilities / and safe. he’s not the gamble from teenage years / he’s the responsibility that comes with adulthood. shuuzou knows that love / love is not a requirement for relationships to work now. shuuzou doesn’t gamble like tatsuya. 

what makes a relationship is work / compromise. he tried love before / with tatsuya , and it didn’t work. he’s not stupid enough to try that again. he doesn’t understand why hideaki sometimes looks at him with soft / understanding / sad eyes. he sees how hideaki no longer questions him / no longer lingers after he tells him that he loves him because he knows it won’t come.  tatsuya asks him randomly one night on the phone / hideaki is asleep and shuuzou is on the couch, wide awake after staring at game plans for a few hours and work out routines for each of his students. “ do you love him ? ” shuuzou lets out a breath, “ what. ”  “ do you love him? ” tatsuya wants him to say no / wants him to not be in love with hideaki / because if shuuzou doesn’t love him then everything is fine. then they’re fine / shattered once / twice maybe / but fine. they can fix themselves / pick up the gold that tatsuya keeps in the back of his mind for shuuzou specifically and each of them can put their pieces back together one by one / and meld them together with the gold. make them better than before. make them prettier / studier.  “ don’t ask me that, tatsu. ”  “ why not ?”  “ it hurts. ” “ hurts because it’s true or hurts because it isn’t ? ” “ tatsuya. ”  shuuzou’s voice is low / carries a note of warning and tatsuya breathes out slow into the bar air. the other is thousands of miles away from him and he can see how shuuzou shifts on his couch / and eyes narrow as he looks at him. he shifts in his chair at the bar and looks at his whiskey glass / and swirls it around for a moment to watch the ice cube move. shuuzou is avoiding the question / that’s a yes / that’s a no. he knows shuuzou better than anyone / knows that shuuzou runs when things are good / runs when things are bad too. knows that shuu isn’t the type to make the same mistake twice / ( and yet, he answers each time he calls. )  shuuzou shifts on the couch / stares up at the ceiling. he remembers taiga nearly fighting him over his phone when he jumped over the couch to pick up a call from tatsuya after their break up. remembers makoto’s face in the dark of the night / knows that was a mistake. he also knows that that will never become common knowledge. no one will ever know. knows that if tatsuya had told him to come back / he would. knows that he cannot stop himself from falling / from holding onto tatsuya.  but hideaki is safe. responsibilities.  sometimes / shuuzou thinks love could exist between the two of them. knows that it could if shuuzou was willing to let go of tatsuya. possibly. maybe. thinks about tatsuya and him fighting in a random ally way and then them fucking afterwards for the first time / thinks about confessions before the winter cup / about how they both went into the zone against each other and never again. about kisses and hands held under blankets and the two of them knowing each other without even having to speak. he misses it. misses the warmth and basking in the moonlight’s glow where nothing was ever cool and everything was always right. then he feels guilty for thinking that and comparing it to the fact that the house / home , that he and hideaki share ( not even theirs / they just stay over at each other’s place more than not ) / how it’s comfortable and cool / but nothing that’s heart racing.  sometimes, he thinks it’s better. better to be safe / better than to gamble on someone that will leave him anyways. better to be safe with someone who he knows loves him and won’t leave than to toss all his chips into the pile of someone who loves him and has a problem with staying.  “ shuu? ” “ i was thinking. ”  “ about ? ” “ gambling. ”  tatsuya laughs, “ you’re not a gambling man, shuu. ”  shuuzou lips quirk upwards, unseen but heard, “ and doesn’t that answer your question ? ” “ shuu--- ”  “ tatsu, you shouldn’t be asking me those type of questions. ”  “ i had to know. ” “ curiosity has always been our downfall. ” tatsuya goes silent / remembers telling shuuzou to satisfy his curiosity and to kiss him. remembers that summer / and the heat pounding on their back, and he licks his lips. “ yeah. ” he remembers words whispered between the two of them that no one else was privy too / remembers sitting in shuuzou’s clothes / and sleeping in his bed and his head on his chest , and the cocky grin that shuuzou wore so damn well. wonders sometimes , if shuuzou sits on the balcony and thinks of him / and misses him / and wants him as bad as tatsuya still wants him.  “ why isn’t it me. ”  “ tatsuya -” “ no because i want to know. why not me. ” “ you broke up with me. ”  “ because i was scared. ”  “ tatsuya --- don’t. ”  “ shuuzou the thought --- the thought of someone having you in ways that i had you -- of you loving someone else -- i hate it. ” shuu breathes out. glances towards the bedroom where he knows hideaki rests peacefully. thinks it’s pathetic that he’s got someone so safe in his bed asleep / and yet here he is on the phone with his first ( and only ) love where they’re venturing into dangerous territory for the both of them.  “ why were you scared ? ” shuu speaks eventually, softly, measured.  “ --- my parents. ” tatsuya eventually answers / drowns his whiskey.  “ because your dad left your mom ? ”  “ yeah. ” “ and you thought i’d do that ? to you ? tatsuya i tried -- i tried so hard with you. ” “ no. i thought i’d do it to you. ” “ you did. ”  “ fuck you. ” “ you have. ”  shuuzou sighs , moves his gaze to the clock on the wall.  “ what do you want from me tatsuya ? ” “ i -- ” a pause, “ i want you not to love him. i want you not to love him because he doesn’t get under your skin like me. i want you not to love him because he’s not me. he’s not going to hurt you / you’re not a gambling man, you’ve settled for someone who won’t hurt you. he’s not reckless like us. you want danger and freedom and wildness and passion. not something safe and warm. ” “ tatsuya - ”  “ good night, shuu. ”  shuuzou pauses / hears the phone click and stares into the wall before he throws his phone at the wall , not even caring if it shatters or if it wakes hideaki. fuck him. fuck him for everything he said / fuck him for being right. it’s loud enough to stir hideaki from his sleep, and shuuzou pauses when the other lets out a quiet “ babe ? ” and he breathes out / counts to ten, “ go back to sleep, hideaki. these plans are just confusing. ”  hideaki stares up at the ceiling / knows that shuuzou voice carries the pain of talking to his ex once again. swallows / “ okay. ” doesn’t go back to sleep anyways. instead, he breathes out. decides that he can’t do this anymore. can’t do this when shuuzou lies to him as easily as he breathes / decides that they both deserve better. he tried / right ? “ shuu ? ”  he peeks his head into the room / tired , and hideaki almost feels bad.  “ i love you. ” he tries once again / hopes / prays / that shuuzou says it back this time. it’s been a year / please, please say it back. lingers to see if shuuzou says anything. sees the other freeze for a moment before he relaxes and moves into the room. “ i know ? ”  hideaki wants to cry. “ i’m breaking up with you. ”  shuuzou freezes. “ what. ” “ i can’t --- won’t - do this. ” “ do what. ”  “ you don’t love me. ” “ i -- ” “ you need love. you need love in a relationship too. ”  “ hideaki-- ” shuuzou reaches out to him, places himself on hideaki’s lap, and the other wants to laugh. of course / physically, shuuzou would try to stop him. of course, he’d come to him like this after tatsuya. shuuzou runs his hands into the other’s hair / and hideaki’s hands come up to clasp at his wrists, “ no. ”  shuuzou pauses, and looks up at him , blinking wide / hurt eyes. “ no ? ” hideaki shakes his head. “ no. ”  brows furrow on shuuzou, “ why do --- why are you breaking up with me. ”  hideaki untangles shuuzou from him, sets him on the side of him and places a gentle kiss on dark crown, ignores the fact that shuuzou’s got tears streaming down his face now, ( it somehow both makes him feel better and worse , simutanously. )  “ you are still in love with tatsuya. ”  “ am not. ”  “ you can pretend you aren’t / but you still run to him. ”  “ hideaki ---- ”  thumb rises to wipe at the other’s face, “ you’ll be okay, shuuzou. but i cannot do this anymore. i cannot keep coming in second place to him. ” shuuzou shakes his head violently / sobs, and hideaki breathes out. “ please don’t cry. ” and shuuzou only sobs harder. “ i wanted too - i wanted to give you everything i could. ”  “ i know. ”  “ i tried, ”  “ i know. ”  “ i was happy with you. ” “ i know. ”  shuuzou sobs and hideaki pulls him into his arms, and lets him cry on him. “ we could have worked out, ” hideaki says quietly into shuu’s hair, “ i love you so much -- and maybe in another life / another universe, we do. ” shuuzou cannot breath from how hard he’s sobbing / digging his nails into hideaki’s arms.  “ don’t be scared. ” hideaki whispers, before he pulls shuuzou away from him. he debates for a moment, “ go to him, shuu. he’s the one you want. ” shuuzou shakes his head, “ no. i want you. ”  hideaki breathes out, “ shuu. ”  “ stop calling me that. ”  “ shuuzou. ”  “ shuuzou, you don’t want me. not like i want you. ”  “ why does that matter ? ” soft / quiet, unsure.  “ because, because i want someone in love with me too. i cannot feed you love and not get anything back. ”  “ oh. ”  “ you’ll be fine. ”  hideaki stands / stares at shuuzou , whose still got tears running down his face in silence / with messed up hair and he breathes out. “ i hope -- i hope things work for you, shuu -- shuuzou. i really do. ” 

#♡ ⸺ hiniji. #♡ ⸺ nijihimu. #god i hope this posts correctly.

[peachmusesa]

tenacityreturns asked: “Could I easily fill his shoes?” hiniji

“ could i easily fill his shoes ? ” he doesn’t mean to ask / it slips out when he sees tatsuya on the screen. it’s a game , and hideaki shouldn’t be jealous but he is. he’s sitting himself on the couch , opposite of shuuzou , and the teiko coach turns to look at him confused. hideaki blinks.  “ hideaki --- ” where is this coming from , he wonders ? things were fine / now they’re not. they’re sitting in the living room / and he asks a question out of the blue. shuuzou knows hideaki enough to know that he’s been sitting on it / but he’s bristling anyways. he doesn’t have to specify who ‘his’ is, shuuzou already knows. he feels guilty that he already knows.  “ no listen shuuzou, i’m tired. i’m tired of wondering if he’s going to call again , and if you’re going to sneak out of bed to answer the phone. i’m tired of coming second place to an ex that you say doesn’t even matter anymore but obviously does still matter or you wouldn’t be picking up the phone. ”  shuuzou blinks , breathes out. “ that’s not it and you know it. ” and it isn’t - not to shuuzou. they’re completely different / maybe not so different. maybe shuuzou likes the three am phone calls because it shows that he’s still on tatsuya’s minds / maybe it’s a chore at this point to make sure that he gets home , maybe he likes hearing from tatsuya’s drunk mouth that he still thinks about shuuzou. it’s different / hideaki and tatsuya are different. one is the sun / one is the moon.  hideaki shrugs, “ maybe. maybe not - but it’s what it feels like. it feels like you want him more than you want me. i’m understanding, i get that he’s bordering on alcoholism and your father was an alcoholic and you feel responsible for him , but tatsuya is a grown man who can make his own choices. who does make his own choices. you aren’t responsible for him. ”  shuuzou’s brows furrow , and hideaki shakes his head. “ see, we’ve been together for a year and you still haven’t even told me you were in love with me. you told me you loved me but that’s not the same is it, shuuzou ?”  nijimura opens his mouth “ i do love you. ” he loves hideaki in the way he can.  “ not like you love him. ”  shuuzou scowls, “ stop being ridiculous, hideaki. tatsuya was my first love , of course it would be different. ”  hideaki stares , dark eyes watching shuuzou and he breathes out. “ yeah , that’s what i thought. you can’t have both shuuzou. you can’t have me and him. it doesn’t work that way, we’re not poly. ” nothing is said for a moment , shuuzou taking in hideaki’s words and licking his lips once he realises.  “ so what , you’re breaking up with me ? ” is he ? hideaki blinks -- and breathes out. for some reason it doesn’t hurt as much to think about. he knew that shuuzou would be the one to force his hand / that shuuzou wouldn’ be able to do it himself. still, it sits on his tongue bitter. he swallows it.  “ ..... yeah , shuuzou. yeah i am. because i deserve better. because you want tatsuya still , even though you won’t admit it. because you don’t love me the way i want to be loved , because as much as i love you -- you can’t love me in the same way. you want too - i think. i think you want to love me back but you can’t. i’m not going to put myself out anymore than i have only for tatsuya to one day decide that he actually wants you back and for you to leave me. ”  “ i wouldn’t. ”  “ maybe not, ” hideaki’s shoulder lifts , then drops , “ but i can’t afford the risk. i’m in love with you , and you - despite your protests - are still in love with him and i can’t do anything about it. ” there’s a sad smile on his face , dark eyes staring down at the wooden table as his hands fold together , and thumb roams over other thumb. “ there’s nothing wrong with that , shuuzou. nothing wrong with still wanting to be with someone else -- but i wish you had told me before we got to this point. i wish you had broken up with me instead of me having to break up with you. i’m not a lay-away choice. ”  “ hideaki -- ”  “ shuuou just -- don’t okay. don’t say anything , just --- ” hideaki doesn’t know. “ just be quiet. leave. something. let me gather my stuff , and i’ll be out of your hair. ”  he doesn’t want too - shuuzou wants to ask him to stay / doesn’t. he wants hideaki / to press himself against the other and remind himself that hideaki’s warm where shuuzou is cold but he doesn’t. instead he stands, “ okay. ” is said softly , while he moves to put on his shoes and grab his key. “ text me when you’re finished so i can come back. ”  the door shuts as shuuzou leaves , and hideaki all but melts into the couch. it’s ironic that the one time shuuzou is willing to give up attention on tatsuya is when hideaki is currently breaking up with him. part of him hoped -- that shuuzou wouldn’t allow it / that he’d say something , but he didn’t. hideaki swallows the lump in his throat and stands to start gathering his things -- he wants out of this apartment. out of the vice-grip that shuuzou has on his heart. 

#♡ ⸺ hiniji. #verse ⸺ NKRU. #🍑 ⸺ drabble. #ic ⸺ shuuzou. #i forgot....... to do a readmore but it's FINE