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keevansixx · 6 years

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Nowhere...

Yesterday, I died. It just happened, no rhyme, no reason, the vessel that housed me stopped working. This mortal coil shed, like a serpent leaving behind a dried out skin snagged on a twig in an old forest. I feel nothing, no cold, no pain, no hunger nor thirst....I am, yet I am not...

What they don't tell you anything about dying in books, religious dogmas, and human mythology, is that there is no time in death...well, there is a sort of sense of time, but there is no way to measure it, quantify it, give it a steady pace to determine a forward progression the living rely on so much. If I concentrate hard enough I could watch myself die, very slowly, repeatedly over a long span, or just that brief spark when I stopped breathing, and everything grew still around me in the dimension of the living.

I spend a span of moments doing this....traveling forwards and backwards along a strand of time, visiting small snippets of my former life. All the happy moments, pausing for some span at the faces and places I had long forgot. I see my mother, young, happy, pregnant with what was me, sitting in a chair and humming softly at her belly...her hand tracing lazy circles around the little footprints I was pressing into the sides of her womb while she whispered her dreams of whom she hoped I would become. I see my father, young, in fatigues fighting a useless war in a foreign land, joking with his buddies about the girls back home, while he stares at a laminated photo of me my mother mailed to him...I see him kiss the picture, then say "my son..." as he holds it to his chest. I see my grandfather's smile the first time he held my infant form cradled in his arms. I travel to and fro, seeing all that had transpired in my life, and all the little things I missed as I lived. If it were even possible to cry in the afterlife, I couldn't tell....just the wash of emotions both happy and sad without the mechanisms to adequately express them.

I grow bored after awhile, so I move backwards seeing history rewind, pausing at all the interesting bits, and learning all the truths that historians got wrong, or misinterpreted, or just plain lied just to make a name for themselves, or support the dogma of the day. I hear other voices out here in oblivion as they too travel to and fro observing what was, have been, or will ever be....sometimes we converse, discussing a moment trying to get to the truth of it all, but mostly we move along our paths with nary a notice each of passing.

I travel forwards, seeing all that will be...amazed at some things, horrified by others, sad, happy, and phantom scratching at what I assume to be the equivalent of my head. The future for us is unwritten, you see.... constantly changing, and only becomes tangible when their moments have passed into history. I answer some questions as best I can from those future souls inquiring about my small tiny piece of time. In exchange, they tell me bits and pieces of their journeys and what will be....not necessarily equivalent exchange, as the souls I encounter from the future are numerous and constantly in flux with their outcomes not entirely set in stone...

existence, for me, passes....time to move on.

I'm just hovering in nothing....to my right a passageway that looks warm and inviting. To my left, a passageway that looks stark, cold, and ominous. I hear voices from each hallway, and take my time investigating each corridor. After some length, I surmise that each corridor is the human equivalent of heaven or perdition. I am given a choice....left or right, hell or nirvana, order or chaos....

They each make their case...opening their gates wide waiting for me to enter. It feels like a trap, either way....but I listen. One side offers peace, tranquility, bliss but no ambition, no creativity. It's the end reward of the final level of a lackluster game and you only made a passing score. The other side offers ambition and challenge, but at the total lack of joy, compassion, love, or any other of the rewards that would motivate someone to grow. It's a Korean grinder, and the rewards follow a law of diminishing returns so I would be stuck in an endless loop for an eternity or more.

I'm drawn towards the right passage...I was raised theist, and everyone wants to go to heaven, at least that is what all the dogmas would have you to believe, but I pause....it looks peaceful, serene, not like the cover art of the Led Zeppelin album "houses of the holy" all many steps and columns, and most tranquil. It looks like whatever I most want in the universe in smaller scale....hollow, steadfast, but never changing. The set pieces are permanent, and I'm just expected to exist and be happy forever.

I amble back to the void to ponder my choices, left or right. I float forward towards an impossibly massive wall, all the while contemplating the pros and cons of either choice. The wall is neither of substance, nor form, but it exists none the less. My fingers slide across it's surface, feeling the texture as I float and ponder. This goes on for some time until my fingers find the tiny beginning of a crack....

I float along the tiny fissure within the unblemished surface of the wall, and as I float upwards following the crack, my fingers notice the changes as I travel upwards, growing larger and larger the farther I travel along. I could not discern the distances involved, but it felt like a very long time, all the while the crack growing ever wider and wider until I could no longer feel the sides between my arms. I stop.....before me is nothing....no lights, no sound, nothing...and being the curious child I ever was, started floating forwards into this new void.

a voice speaks out in the darkness "ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO THIS? AFTER ALL, THE CHOICES WERE TAILORED TO FIT YOUR NEEDS... "

wait...what?!

"SERIOUSLY...THERE IS NO GOING BACK AFTER THIS..."

Ok.....who is this?

"WHOM DO YOU THINK THIS IS?"

*rolls what passes for eyes* duh....why do you think i'm asking? You tell me...

"I'VE HAD MANY NAMES...WHICH ONE WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO GO BY?"

Ummmm.....is this god?

"MAYBE....MAYBE NOT. IT'S HARD TO KEEP A NAME IN ALL EXISTANCE, THINGS ARE ALWAYS CHANGING, IN FLUX, BUT IF IT'LL MAKE YOU FEEL ANY BETTER...YOU CAN CALL ME GOD IF YOU WANT TO..."

yeeeeeahhh, this is a little too much to believe right at the moment....

"TAKE YOUR TIME....IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE GOING ANYWHERE."

It's so dark...why can't I see you?

"BECAUSE....I HAVN'T BEEN CREATED HERE YET. TELL YOU WHAT, JUST HOLD YOUR HAND UP, AND SNAP YOUR FINGERS FOR A BIT....I PROMISE YOU IT WILL BE WORTH IT.....GO ON."

yeah....yeah.....sure. I hold up my hand in the void, and snap my fingers a few times. After each snap, a small light, like a pinprick, starts to grow, shedding light into the area I exist in. Growing larger and larger till the light fills the space, and everything there is revealed. From the center of the light I hear the voice again...sounding more directional and focused than it was mere moments ago.

"NOW THAT WASN'T HARD NOW...WAS IT?"

well....no. but I'm not sure just what exactly did I do.

"CREATION..."

what?

"CREATION...YOU MADE SOMETHING FROM NOTHING. GIVE YOURSELF A LITTLE PAT ON THE BACK, MOST THINGS DON'T MAKE IT THIS FAR..."

ok...now i'm really confused....I just did what you told me to do.

"IF YOU HAD DONE WHAT I TOLD YOU TO DO, YOU WOULD HAVE MADE A CHOICE BACK AT THE GROTTO, AND WE WOULDN'T BE HAVING THIS PARTICULAR CONVERSATION, NOW WOULD WE?"

heh, well you do have a point....now what?

"CREATE SOME MORE...."

create? what would I create?

"ANYTHING YOU WANT, ANYTHING YOU DREAM, ANYTHING YOU CAN IMAGINE....HAVE FUN."

wait...wait...wait....hold on one sec. You mean if I imagine there is a tiny beagle puppy named snoopy sitting there at my feet, it's just going to magically appear? at which point the puppy appears with a little golden nametag dangling from it's collar, and yapps excitedly while wagging it's tail...I pick it up, and it licks my face lovingly as I realize I now have a face, and I feel the puppies slobbery tongue caress my wet cheek.

ok....this is a bit too much, don't cha think? I mean, I can feel myself and that should be impossible because I'm dead. There is a puppy here that wasn't here before and that in itself should be impossible, but there it sits.....and just when did this dirt plain appear? this is all so crazy!!! I'm going insane....that has to be it....i'm loosing my marbles from floating out here alone for so long.

"YOU ARE NOT CRAZY, THE PUPPY IS REAL, AND EVERYTING APPEARED BECAUSE YOU WISHED IT TO BE....ANYTHING ELSE YOU MAY BE CONFUSED WITH?"

yeah.....i'm confused with everything, I don't know where I am, what I am, how all this can be. I know that I used to be a average dude, living in the woods, loving life, dealing with stuff, and trying to be the nicest, honest, caring person I could ever be.....I often failed, but for the most part, at least I tried, and that has to count for something, right?

"HMMMM, WELL... WHO YOU ARE IS WHO YOU CHOSE TO BE. WHERE YOU ARE, IS WHERE YOU ALWAYS WERE OR ALWAYS WANTED TO BE, BUT EVEN THAT CAN BE CHANGED IF IT IS WHAT YOU TRULY WANT TO HAPPEN. AND ALL OF THIS CAN BE...BECAUSE YOU CHOSE THE PATH NOT TAKEN... THIS IS YOUR UNIVERSE NOW...MAKE IT WHAT YOU WANT IT TO BE."

so....does that make me god?

"IF THAT MAKES YOU HAPPY, THEN YES, BE A GOD. BUT I'VE FOUND THAT JUST BEING YOURSELF IS FAR MORE REWARDING THAN TRYING TO BE SOMEONES DIETY ANY DAY. BEING DEIFIED IS TOUGH, AT FIRST IT'S ALL FUN AND GAMES UNTIL THEY FIGURE OUT YOU EXIST...THEN IT'S ALL WORK WORK WORK.....GOD GRANT ME THIS, GODDESS DELIVER ME FROM THAT, ALLAH BLESS EVERYTHING, BHUDDA BLESS MY SHRINE, VISHNU MAKE THE CROPS GROW...IT'S EXHAUSTING I TELL YOU. JUST BE YOURSELF, AND BE KIND...THE REST WILL SORT ITSELF OUT IN DUE TIME."

ummm, thanks? I guess....

"OH YEAH....BEFORE I GO. MY LAST BIT OF ADVICE. LOVE. THAT'S IT....JUST LOVE. YOU ARE GOING TO NEED IT. IT MAKES THE TIME FLY, AND HELPS OUT WITH ALL THE TOUGH STUFF. AND NEVER CREATE ANYTHING OUT OF SPITE....IT JUST LEADS TO HEADACHES DOWN THE ROAD OF TIME. OK THEN....HAVE FUN, AND DON'T FORGET TO SWEEP UP BEFORE YOU LEAVE."

hold up, you're just going to leave me here all alone? by myself? all alone?

"YOU'RE NEVER ALONE....YOU'VE GOT A PUPPY, AND ALL OF CREATION. YOU'LL BE FINE. TRUST ME. IF IN DOUBT, MAKE A KITTY...THEY'LL KEEP YOU IN CHECK, AND HELP YOU SEE THINGS MORE CLEARLY. GOOD LUCK!"

Ok.....i'll try, and thank you....well.....for everything.

"YOU'RE WELCOME."

The last echoes of it's voice fade into the evening sun. I walk down a gentle path I created in my mind towards a small lake and nice house I dreamed up while walking. Snoopy is gracefully bounding in the tall grasses by the path spooking up birds, rabbits, deer, squirrel, and all manner of critter with each passing step. The breeze is cool, and the sunlight warm on my skin as I approach my new home. A kitten greets me by the front door, it's mewing telling me it needs fed and a few belly rubs for good measure. It was a good day. Tomorrow, I might just try to make a universe, but today i'm just going to relax, unwind, and enjoy what is already here for a moment longer. who knows....maybe another person will come along and creation will just be that less lonely. As I prepare for bed, I think about all that has happened, reflective, pensive, and somewhat excited for the days ahead...It also leaves me questioning why the other voice told me to sweep up after i'm through...is there somewhere beyond the realms of god? or just another nowhere to be created again and again? i'll figure it out eventually...but for now...this is my undiscovered country, after all. time enough to make the most of it.

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(I wake up....Meh....alarm clock goes off, I blearily stumble to the loo, take one look in the mirror, and swear to myself that I will never ever again drink mescal before going to bed, as I run a grizzled hand through the remainder of my thinning hair. never again.)

#life #humans are weird

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morrisseysnemesis · 6 years

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There were some bumps along the Laneway road, but it was stellar ride nonetheless.

I’m loser with no friends so I had to plough through the hipster fest alone but I have absolutely zero regrets. However, I only attended half the festival and entered the grounds at 5pm. There was no re-entry and I didn’t feel like wallowing by myself for a full day. Plus, I didn’t want to throw my money down the drain by paying for overpriced food which could instead pay for a week’s worth of lunch at least. Even though I only attended half the festival, I left with a full heart (yes, this is a cringe-inducing sentence).

I was there when Laneway alumni The Internet started their set to a very eager audience who were happy to welcome back the band. I was kind of indifferent to their return and was honestly just patiently waiting for Mac Demarco’s set to start. But band members Syd and Steve Lacy are enjoying some sort of rising influence and you can hear the enthusiasm from the crowd. They were extremely excited for Steve Lacy so much so that I was wrapped up in the energy (which was mostly made of attraction for Steve). While I was bopping my head along to The Internet, away from the stage waiting for Mac Demarco, I realised that The Internet might just continue to rise in popularity if this alluring charm of theirs manages to captivate an even bigger audience.

Another returning Laneway alum is Mac Demarco, who is probably the prince of the indie scene but being trapped amongst his fans was tormenting (and I’m one of those fans). I’m fine with a couple of people shoving me to get to the front as long as they’re aware that they are horizontally challenged. I got shoved by so many huge titans and they all blocked my view of the pepperoni playboy (which made me pissed). God bless Mac Demarco for his music because it was the only thing that made me forget about how I’m sandwiched between jerks chanting “USA” out of nowhere. Chamber of Reflect on your festival etiquette please.

Shout out to Andy who sang “Under The Bridge” out of key but his candid rendition still makes me laugh and brings me joy because I relate to not having a partner.

One of the harder bands on the line-up, Wolf Alice, definitely brought it. Ellie Roswell, the lead singer of the alternative rock band was at that moment, the epitome of female empowerment. She looked so elegant in her white dress and neatly tucked blonde hair but the girl could shred on her guitar while delivering some impressively fierce vocals. She balances the line of femininity and ferocity with such effortlessness that just leaves me absolutely envious. As much as I love this band I hit a low point during their set when they were performing one the fan favourites “Bros”. Ellie told the crowd to dance along with their best friend and since I am a lonely loser, had nobody to dance with (oh the woe that is me). I had to just constantly tell myself that I am an independent mofo that doesn’t need anybody while internally crying and screaming. I just had to yell my unwanted emotions out as I sang along to their song “Space & Time” (which is a banger btw).

Slowdive legitimately had me in a hypnotic state that I don’t remember much except the inner feeling of calm and ecstasy. Also a girl yelling “IT WAS SO BEAUTIFUL I COULD CRY” which sounds extreme but I share her sentiments.

The highlight of the night was hands down the man who just oozes charisma and confidence, Anderson. Paak. Like paak me, I love this man. His stage presence is truly divine. Hearing and watching him perform with a million dollar smile was like catching a glimpse of paradise (despite being drowned by sweaty young adults). The man got me to get low during “Lite Weight” which basically meant doing squats for 5 minutes and I willingly obliged despite being averse to exercise – that’s how much this man has me wrapped around his little pinkie. And it wasn’t just me, he had the whole crowd bewitched. It was an unforgettable atmosphere that was thirst-inducing (not just for water, but also for Breezy Lovejoy). One qualm I did have was the technical difficulties his set endured, forcing the already aggravated crowd to wait another 20 minutes. I had to breathe in the musky air of the people around me and listen to them chit chat arrogantly about their superior music taste (me heaving a big sigh right around here). But would I wait an eternity for this Anderson. Paak? Yes Lawd!

Anderson isn’t the only one who possesses a magnetic stage presence because Father John Misty, or Josh Tillman, has a way about him that you just gravitate towards. Mr Tillman has a lot to say about the glaring flaws of humanity (which I think sometimes just goes over a lot of listeners’ heads) but masterfully constructs his beliefs into songs that are memorable and substantial. You can look at his music as somewhat preachy, but he sways you with his melodies and cleverly written lyrics that is brimming with playful wit. It’s hard to knock Father John Misty especially after he delivers a fervent performance that just shows he belongs on the stage. I regret not being closer to the stage to soak up his spirited energy because I talked to a stranger in an attempt to make friends, but I don’t think she liked Father John Misty (she ditched me when she left to “go to the bathroom” but I was secretly relieved to be by my lonesome again).

I stayed around for Bonobo and The War on Drugs knowing that these two were kind of the stars of the whole line-up. But look, I’m neutral on these two musicians. I don’t hate them, but I don’t love them either. It’s possible that I might come to be more interested in both of them but for the time being, I’m okay with sitting down and watching them on the screen.

Like Anderson, Bonobo also suffered from technical difficulties (like Laneway, get your shit together because I did not pay good money only hear problems with your sound system). It’s especially frustrating with Bonobo as his sound is recognised for being more polished or refined. It’s what makes his music more prominent than his (I want to say electronica?) counterparts. What made even more disappointing was that his vocalist’s mic had some issues as well and her voice couldn’t shine through (use my money to fix this Laneway). But the silver lining was that I think people were drunk enough to dance along and wobble their head along to Bonobo anyway.

I had similar feelings during The War on Drugs’ set as I did at Slowdive’s set. It was made clear why this is a grammy-nominated band with their excellent musicianship and songs that conveyed a magnitude of emotions and earnestness. I’m complimenting the band to the high heavens now but the truth is I left early because I wanted to catch the last train home. Nevertheless, I sincerely enjoyed what I did hear and experience from their set and I think the band’s heartfelt indie rock sound was a perfect choice to close the entire festival.

Laneway wasn’t perfect; I was alone, there were technical issues and I hate crowds (hipsters that remind me of my own presumptuous self are particularly bad). But music has always been a priority for me, something that I religiously follow and something that also acts as a companion (perfect for someone with no friends). Laneway delivered on that front and I wouldn’t mind being slightly miserable again if I can revel in amazing live music.

A Lovely Day at Laneway There were some bumps along the Laneway road, but it was stellar ride nonetheless. I'm loser with no friends so I had to plough through the hipster fest alone but I have absolutely zero regrets.

#anderson. paak #bonobo #concerts #father john misty #mac demarco #music #slowdive #the war on drugs #wolf alice

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