#...oh ok triggered my own dysphoria in record time with this one ouch

[wrecking]

i love my friends and family and support network but i'm not gonna lie i have ended up with some glaring missing spots in it and i'm so afraid of reaching out to new people that i'm just kinda resigning myself to figuring it out all by myself lol

#d #...oh ok triggered my own dysphoria in record time with this one ouch #thinking about how i'll never get to like get the experience of doing makeup with my friends or trying on clothes w them #or having like peers to share those aspects of my expression with #not to mention being fat gives me a unique horrible angle on trying to find stuff and feeling alone among my network #i love them all so much but there are times where i wish i still had more and i feel bad about it but i also know i shouldn't #i just feel rly alone with regard to where i'm at with my transition and presentation and what i need social support from like #i am looking to people i can like. imitate. learn from. that i can kind of bounce ideas off of and have them actually know how to help #not to say there's no way i could do these things with my current support but like there's a glaring lack of people *like me* in that group #i feel like i am kind of living an alien life compared to what they all do and experience and it's disorienting bc we get along so well #this is 2 separate overly verbose ways of saying i wish i had transfem friends irl or even just cis girl friends irl to do stuff with #my online friends and my mom can only do and understand so much you know #sigh . whatever i'm posting this despite it being a mess and pathetic lmfao