#80% of being the oldest sister of a bunch of immature stubborn bitchy siblings is crying your anger away in secret

[ienvieu]

god i am so fucking frustrated

#80% of being the oldest sister of a bunch of immature stubborn bitchy siblings is crying your anger away in secret #damned if you try damned if you dont i am sick of it #berated for complaining even just a little and scolded when i decide not to share my struggles anymore like ffs pick your damn mind #compared to cousins compared to neighbors compared to random kids on the internet compared to their younger selves god i just. #and then they go and ask how my day has been and how im feeling gtfo i dont want that #either disown me and hate me or whatever or actually listen to me and not undermine everything i try to do #just pick a fucking side i HATE it when people demonize me and then smother me back to back #like i dont want to sound this whiny but god i wish they'd miscarried me too??? #man i sound like a total bitch rn lol idk i just want to leave #i can never seem to win #they dont let me express my exhaustion and anger and sadness and frustration and then they go ahead and wonder why this girl is #acting distant or passive agressive or why she keeps fracturing or bruising her knuckles or why she keeps biting her nails and #chewing on her lips and picking at her skin and just fucking lose it all the damn time #nothing i do is enough i just dont want to be here and i want to leave and take a break for a while but nooo that would make me #a family hater 🥴🥴 #and i dont even hate them i just cant stand the way they treat me all the time #i get so confused one minute she's telling me how bad i am and telling me that im wrong and wrong and wrong and how i cant do this #or that or how she used to be so much better than i am now and whatever #and the next she and i are sitting in the kitchen laughing about some random thing #i HATE that. idc if that's oh a 'normal mother daughter relationship' and 'everyone experiences it' and how 'it will pass' #well it hasnt passes and it's been years and im tired of this back and forth and constantly being shamed and i want out. just. out. #and when i tried gathering the courage to tell them i wanted a therapist to talk to she was like ' oh that's expensive and you dont even #look like you need one but if you insist we can pay for it ☹️👉👈 it's okay we will work extra hard to get the money 😖' #fuck that #thanks for once again making me feel like utter shit for asking for some help. again. #which brings me to my next point which is why the FUCK do we have to pay 50 fucking euroes for an hour of therapy?? #i can get all of the validation and grounding techniques off the internet for free why the fuck do we need to pay 50€ for talking?? #and like mental health is so stigmatized still with my family and my closer friend's family that we both cant tell them anything about it #girlie got clinical depression and she doesnt want to tell her parents bc she knows how they will react #and we both spend nights cry laughing about the fact that i have scars all over me that my parents dont have a single fucking clue about