#compared to cousins compared to neighbors compared to random kids on the internet compared to their younger selves god i just.

[ienvieu]

god i am so fucking frustrated

#80% of being the oldest sister of a bunch of immature stubborn bitchy siblings is crying your anger away in secret #damned if you try damned if you dont i am sick of it #berated for complaining even just a little and scolded when i decide not to share my struggles anymore like ffs pick your damn mind #compared to cousins compared to neighbors compared to random kids on the internet compared to their younger selves god i just. #and then they go and ask how my day has been and how im feeling gtfo i dont want that #either disown me and hate me or whatever or actually listen to me and not undermine everything i try to do #just pick a fucking side i HATE it when people demonize me and then smother me back to back #like i dont want to sound this whiny but god i wish they'd miscarried me too??? #man i sound like a total bitch rn lol idk i just want to leave #i can never seem to win #they dont let me express my exhaustion and anger and sadness and frustration and then they go ahead and wonder why this girl is #acting distant or passive agressive or why she keeps fracturing or bruising her knuckles or why she keeps biting her nails and #chewing on her lips and picking at her skin and just fucking lose it all the damn time #nothing i do is enough i just dont want to be here and i want to leave and take a break for a while but nooo that would make me #a family hater 🥴🥴 #and i dont even hate them i just cant stand the way they treat me all the time #i get so confused one minute she's telling me how bad i am and telling me that im wrong and wrong and wrong and how i cant do this #or that or how she used to be so much better than i am now and whatever #and the next she and i are sitting in the kitchen laughing about some random thing #i HATE that. idc if that's oh a 'normal mother daughter relationship' and 'everyone experiences it' and how 'it will pass' #well it hasnt passes and it's been years and im tired of this back and forth and constantly being shamed and i want out. just. out. #and when i tried gathering the courage to tell them i wanted a therapist to talk to she was like ' oh that's expensive and you dont even #look like you need one but if you insist we can pay for it ☹️👉👈 it's okay we will work extra hard to get the money 😖' #fuck that #thanks for once again making me feel like utter shit for asking for some help. again. #which brings me to my next point which is why the FUCK do we have to pay 50 fucking euroes for an hour of therapy?? #i can get all of the validation and grounding techniques off the internet for free why the fuck do we need to pay 50€ for talking?? #and like mental health is so stigmatized still with my family and my closer friend's family that we both cant tell them anything about it #girlie got clinical depression and she doesnt want to tell her parents bc she knows how they will react #and we both spend nights cry laughing about the fact that i have scars all over me that my parents dont have a single fucking clue about

[fanfeline]

Get your cousin on Cam👏ille 👏 Des👏mou👏lins👏 asap!!!

@oh-and-this so this got FUCKING LONG my sincerest apologies to anyone on mobile I’m…I’m so sorry

it’s hysterical though

so: me, adoring Camille Desmoulins, vs. my cousin, who knows literally nothing about the man or about history in general!

N: Hello~

A: So, ready?

N: Yeah!

A: Alright, there we go.

N: Honestly…he doesn’t look- he’s not the worst you’ve pulled.

A: :) No, he’s not.

N: Like, we’ve definitely had worse. I’m disappointed in you.

A: [mock offended] Oh, okay! Fine!

N: I thought you could do better.

A: Yeah, fine, give me a second-

N: No, wait! I still need to describe this guy!

A: Alright, alright, it’s fine, we can do both major portraits, I can pull out Boze too. Okay, start with this, we can transition later.

N: Okay, so!

A: There’s a zoom function here too, I’m not sure quite how far it will go….

N: So, his nose is a little wonky. He should get a nosejob. Sorry.

A: Okay, this is the eighteenth century.

N: Yeah, just a little, you know, chop chop, go to the doctor-

A: I’m pretty sure this is the era of bloodletting as a valid form of medical treatment.

N: What? Whatever. His hair? Honestly, his hair’s not the worst. Although, you can kinda see these little, like, short pieces on the side of his face? Looks like a little kid, taking his mother’s scissors, chop chop chop.

A: Yeah, I could see that. I’ll be honest, having studied this man, specifically this man? [pause] Yeah.

N: Where are his eyelashes? Can I- can I zoom?

A: You can, I don’t know how far it will oh jesus. [high-quality portrait, it zoomed in a lot and startled me, okay?]

N: Do- do you see that?

A: Short lashes are not uncommon. I don’t know, ask the painter, it’s not like I have any photographs of the man!

N: There are no eyelashes there. There is: eyelid, eye, under-eye-bag. There are no. Eyelashes.

A: [high pitched] Give me details about this man.

N: Also, his eyebrows are not on fleek at all. Kind of just disintegrates. Like, “Mr. Stark, I don’t feel so good.” Um, okay, this man, he definitely works as an actor. But like, community theater. He takes improv classes, he lives in Pennsylvania- no, New Jersey. [imitating New Jersey accent] Jersey, honey. [normal] I can’t do the accent.

A: No, you really can’t.

N: He’s got ears, I think. I can see one…part of one.

A: Probably. [look, he never listens anyways]

N: He definitely, like [pause] unicycles to work.

A: [laughing] Okay.

N: But only on Tuesdays. The rest of the days, he bikes. He’s zero-waste, except he has a drug problem, sooooo. He’s also vegan, but only every other day. Oh, and he’s definitely an Internet troll.

A: [laughing harder] That’s the most accurate thing you’ve said yet.

N: His name is like…Cameron.

A: [pause] That was weirdly close.

N: Wait, what’s his name?

A: Camille. His name’s Camille. [note: my voice changed dramatically here and now I’m wondering if my voice always gets that soft, sad and practically reverent when saying his name because if so? that’s fucking pathetic]

N: His name’s Cameron. And he has- does he have any pets? An iguana.

A: What’s the iguana’s name?

N: Jorge [pronounced as in the Spanish]. Spelled J-G-E-O-U-R-G-J-E-U-X.

A: That is roughly the way he does spell names, I will admit, he’s terrible at it.

N: And there it is. He definitely works in a museum part-time, cause community theater doesn’t pay unfortunately. …Is that a rat tail? Oh no, that’s just part of his collar.

A: Yeah, that’s his collar, he wears his hair loose.

N: Okay….I’m just zooming in on random spots.

A: Yeah, no kidding.

N: Look at those LIPS, BABY!!! [dramatic kissing noises] Wait, why is his nose shiny? Oh, shit, the boba, hang on-

[N goes to go make sure the tapioca pearls didn’t melt again]

A: [calling across the kitchen] If you’re done with this one, I’m going to the other portrait, there’s another portrait. Here.

N: …You know what he looks like? A character from Pushing Daisies.

A: Okay, yeah, that’s fair.

[digression about Pushing Daisies]

A: No comment on his hair in this one? It’s very different here.

N: Oh, his hair’s so bad. Wait, is this the same guy?

A: Yeah, same man.

N: Oh god.

[break]

N: We’re recording again!

A: Yay! So, second portrait, this is the man you have nicknamed Cameron.

N: Cameron! Wait, this doesn’t look like Cameron.

A: Same guy, I promise.

N: This is Olga. [Ari starts laughing hysterically] Olga is a woman in her thirties, you wouldn’t guess it, she looks like she’s ninety. She lives on a farm in, like, Norway. Olga churns butter.

A: I swear to God, this is the same human being!

N: No, this is Olga. She churns butter with her brother, Üulga.

A: Oh, right, I keep forgetting he had siblings.

N: Olga is the girl, Üulga is the boy.

A: To be fair, I think he keeps forgetting that he had siblings too.

N: Üulga! Üulgaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. So, Olga. Actually, this more and more starts to look like Üulga. By the way, Üulga is spelled with two “u”s.

A: O-okay, I’ll figure out how to fit that in somewhere.

N: You’re gonna have a fun time typing this up.

A: It’ll be a mess! I love it.

N: Okay, Olga! Olga has a computer from the 1990s, and it only works with a bicycle.

A: You’ve established a connection between this man and bicycles, then.

N: Oh yeah, Cameron! I forgot about that.

A: It’s the SAME HUMAN BEING, I promise you!

N: Does he like bicycles?

A: I have no idea.

N: Olga’s trying to grow in a mustache.

A: [deep breath] Continue.

N: So…okay, moment of silence.

A: [laughing] For my last remaining brain cells?

N: Stop laughing, pay your respects!

A: I have PAID my respects in TEARS.

N: Okay, he kind of looks like that sticker on your laptop.

A: The sticker of Thranduil from the Hobbit movies with a flower crown?

N: …Yes.

A: Okay! Newsflash!

N: Will your followers know who that is?

A: Almost definitely, they’re nerds.

N: Wow, okay. [pause] Olga, precious Olga, I’m gonna end this with a scene? Of Olga, like I did the manchild. What was his name?

A: They were, like, neighbors.

N: They were roommates. Oh my god, they were roommates.

A: If you knocked down the ceiling or the wall or something, I don’t remember exactly where, I’m not good at this. Oh, yeah, these are his letters? This book I’m holding. They’re his letters. Oh, wait, any comment on his facial features, because they’re decidedly different than the last portrait, meaning I have no idea what this guy looks like.

[I can’t transcribe the scene because the file’s being weird, but she was basically voicing/characterizing Olga like The Final Pam from Monster Factory. It was a trip, I assure you. Maybe I’ll manage to get the good file at some point - Ari]

A: Okay, wait, here’s my favorite print, where he’s holding the sword by the blade like an idiot.

N: Yeah, he’s an idiot. This guy is named Christopher Columbus.

A: Don’t you dare compare this man to that rat-ass bastard that is Christopher Columbus.

N: No no no, this is Christopher M. Columbus, he killed Christopher Columbus, stole his name and became the greatest leader of Czechoslovakia that there ever was.

A: What a terrifying thought.

N: Can you zoom in on his hat?

A: No, if we were somewhere else- I actually have this print hanging on my wall?

N: Why.

A: [pause] What do you mean, why?

N: …Nevermind. His hat looks like Mario’s hat. It’s got a facial expression.

A: Where?! Where is there a facial expression??

N: There, see, eye, eye, mouth.

A: Those are leaves, and I don’t see! Oh…no, I do see.

N: I wanted to tell you, dear readers, I’ve loved doing this commentary, I’ll do more in the future, I don’t know when I’ll be back-

A: We’ve got time, we’re doing more recordings after this.

N: Oh. [laughs] Okay bye!

#ari babbles #overly detailed explanations #thp #the history peeps #long post #so sorry dear lord #frev #french revolution #camille desmoulins #desmoulins #this was really long sorry wow