#But hopefully next year I will have a lil shrine | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

atroubledoll · 5 years

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im trying to figure out the next move. because i need a bit of distance if it is this reality. which it is. i want to be happy. eventually. this year has been so intense. i can't find a comforting song either. it feels weird to feel this alone. this is only one night though. maybe tommorrow i will have a more linear plan and an idea of the upcoming. hopefully something works out. i still have dreams, i can remove myself from this area and scene. be someone else. i once was. i can work on my issues out there. and not have to be here and dwell in what was, and cope with the loneliness the way i do now. i have no idea what that would look like. it is a scary concept. im afraid to let go of all that was, but im going to.

i am a mess of a girl. not a woman. but there are some truths ive held quietly, reaffirmed from people who loved me this year. and who have known me for awhile.

im not ugly. i know it. i do know that and nothing anyone could say, would make me feel otherwise. i actually am pretty proud of my ridiculous loud, colourful, drag queeny style. im creative. it manifests in my entire being. i don't have a huge chin. lmao i don't. i am doll faced you motherfuckers lmao.

im creative. im an artist. i make things. ive always drawn. i like to create when i can. everything ever needs to be personalized. it isn't childish. i dont know how to not make everything uniquely mine. that's what i do. im not good with people. conversations. but i am a great listener. im not loud I'm too quiet. but i am a decent friend. the friends i make, i tend to really get to know. on a pretty deep level. i cherish those friendships. i love the ones i have with my family. im not a writer. but i can't stop writing. i crave understanding. it is easier to lay it all out in long, overwrought, rambling, expressive ass letters. my writing is full of hope and flinchworthy affection. i really think like that. im not very grounded. i need a layer of probability. kawaii glittery goddamn possibilities. that kind of hope for something amazing to happen over a weekend, like you are predestined for some distant, foggy just enough. an almost its alright in the world. I filter life through this lense and i get its a coping mechanism. but it is really inspiring. I'm a Lisbon girl. I am Cecilia. I am "ti jean" looking at dean moriarity. I admire and its enough to incite an inner passion. overwhelming, nonsensical, unfiltered, ravenous seeking. unabashed over romanticization. a not giving a fuck that most don't get it. i am often crash and burn but i never sought any kind of conventional societal confinement. it has lead me to ridiculous and new experiences. a no set goal destination. the goal is a feeling. and a community. im okay with not really knowing. i just need to reignite the want to discover. ravenous for new experience, books, obscure music, all of the things that inspired me when I was a teenager looking outward for something more. i can feel it. i contain a scary unbalanced, uncouth yearning that spirals me forward. i have definitely been able to reel it in easier. but its existence is essential and makes living way harder than it should be. everyone can line up for the spectacle. grab popcorn while im here. that is acceptable. i don't live in that realm though. i can't contain all of the pitiful, indecipherable too much of my thoughts. i lived in a world for so long where no one is willing to speak on it. I like letting the people i admire know. people deserve to know the good in them. i don't need to look cool. im unabashedly unfuckingcool. I am aware of most of my fatal character flaws. I can admit them I just really need to find some way to work on them and isolate my toxicity.

I guess that really makes my love empty ultimately. feelings without action. something I need to learn how to do. because we shouldn't have had to live in our sad, insanely viotale whirlwind of a relationship. we were in love though. a ridiculous, high strung, passionate affair that burned out fast in a tristessa kind of way. a seemingly unworkable, i wish. the too potent, unhealthy way two people who are outliers and have insanity as an interest would. 70s era NYC punk rock. beat poetry on amphetamines. a mistake you can later romanticize over in a sad way. i put you on a pedestal indeed. because I didn't communicate, stood silent out of my fear. the only way you felt my love was out of actions, nothing substancial or you'd have stayed. just physical touch applied carefully, intently. moon fan girl eyes , an audience. it isn't enough for an actual adult relationship. letters of admiration were bizarre. but just know you really are a transformative lover. I didn't expect you. you are a rarity, and full of indescribable depths. I don't care if my fangirling is looked down on. I meant the things I've said to you. you're a poet with something important to say, you are altruistic and your other good traits are annoying. you're a remarkable person who I will always remember. I wish you didn't spark a ridiculous, unexperienced, steady passion in me. I have been aching for awhile now. this will definitely be a painful , long undoing for me to process alone. the emptiness is a constant. if I could recall more of the hurt to the forefront I'd be easier. but I was worse. and my memories are soft and full of your precise love. the things we experienced together noone would ever know of. a shared tenderness, and an actual soul recognition that was rare. I love youi know thats not enough. but you actually know me. I can be a demon to the outer world. but at our heart I hope you remember the letters. "achin' to be" cued up for this sad girl sitting cross legged on your floor, when we felt what it was like to be so indespensible to eachother. countless other memories that proved this was once a mutual, encompassing felt rare thing. one where we were both hurt because it really meant something. I'm a naive lil asshole but i loved you at a shrine i errected in my heart devoutly until it was obvious you never visited anymore. o couldn't be more remorseful that I hurt you. you deserve so much good. thank you for your radience and unreal care. that's it.

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xtreme-icecream · 7 years

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since the weather’s a little sunny with a chance of superhero au on my dash here’s blueprints for an muse+aqours one i made but never shared; ‘tis nearly a year old

Blurb: Once upon a time in Japan’s Capital of Heroes™ (slightly sci-fi Akihabara) there was a team of seven superheroes that the public Idolized (hehe). since i’m reconstructing my memory by pulling stuff out of my ass we’ll call them the Dream Team, and atm they still dont have permanent superhero names but they were Honoka (glorious leader), Umi, Kotori, Eli, Nozomi, Nico and Maki.

They ran a good four years of Justice until one day Super Nozomi went MIA, which was bad because she had a pretty important role in keeping the whole band together. It Was Never The Same Again. stuff went downhill from there--Super Nico and Super Maki handled a lot of the PR after that which made it even worse when they disappeared next. the rumor mill revved up 2 turbo mode, and the public p much thought that the Dream Team’s time was over. a few hopefuls held that they’d get back on their feet somehow, but unfortunately for them especially, the next person to go missing after a heroic deed was glorious leader Honoka.

what was left of the dream team was more than just discouraged, but even after this, they still had to defend Justice. so they kept it up.

As they continued to work, tracking down their old teammates on the side, their biggest fan, Chika Takami from Uchiura (far far from sci-fi akiba) discovers her own set of superpowers, and alongside her friend You, a nearly-graduated sidekick herself, they visit sci-fi akiba to get advice and hopefully lend a hand to her heroes.

the visit goes awry when an evil robot that makes things blow up attacks, but that incident allows Chika and You a chance to join their heroes For Real. from there, the Dream Team (with the help of the Chikafriends) try to rebuild their name

and now for the good, the bad, and the wishy-washy (good vs. bad according to in-universe news outlets and idk genre meta stuff)

The Good Guys

Like any respectable team of superheroes, these guys all work together in the same city, same HQ. (also for Reasons i gave everyone archnemeses so in case everyone has to fight in an epic battle of life or death we know what the matchups are, but also they really do fight each other often and there are personal issues there)

1. Eli: - the new leader, taking the position after Honoka. kinda stressed out since the team’s in a bit of a tight spot as far as public and government approval goes. - she’s kitsune themed not just because i’m unoriginal, but Also because it’s matchy-matchy with shrine-priestess-themed nozomi - they might’ve been a two-person team before joining honk & co. idk - her powers include anti-demon blue fire, Regular blue fire, antigravity (limited to herself, so she can jump kinda floaty), and a spirit sense that clues her in on how her Squad is - manages the team overall - archnemesis: Super Kanan

2. Umi: - the second-in-command, even when honk was around - aside from being publicly acknowledged as a superhero and being four years older, she’s basically canon umi groomed for heroism - No secret identity. the sonoda family is a family of superpowerless superheroes that’s been in action since the birth of newspaper - blames herself the most for what happened to honk - her “powers” include archery, swordsmanship, being Umi, and several martial arts. probably can also use a gun if she has to. - Team Chika’s advisor, kind of. she signed up to take responsibility for them - Not ‘Batman With A Sword’!! - archnemesis: Super Dia

3. Kotori - Mom - also Very Super. superhuman strength, flight, fire and wind manipulation, six big strong wings, supernatural senses. she’s a seraph, george - a watcher-type angel, too. generally has some idea of what’s going on in akiba, but she still appreciates surveillance technology bc even she wants to turn her brain off sometimes - the Chikasquad likes to go to her to circumvent Umi’s Iron Fisted Ass. it works 90% of the time - best public approval. very nice to people she saves. spends the most time outside HQ for solo Justice, and sometimes even leaves the city for a bit - archnemesis: Super Yoshiko

4. Hanayo - formerly an apprentice of nico. she joined the team properly shortly after nico went missing, and succeeded her Super Identity even if their powers and uh personality are kinda different - still learning about her powers! learns very quickly though. kind of a natural actually, and would be a grade-A hero if she was a little less shy in front of the news - already a part of the team, but relates to the Chikasquad about being treated like a trainee. she is a cool super senpai - her powers include superhuman strength, speed and senses, regeneration, near invulnerability. very powerful, but the powers only recently stabilized👀 - she keeps rin’s secrets but at what cost - archnemesis: none really; ruby’s kinda her “villainous” counterpart but she’s hardly a villain and they’re even kinda friends

5. Riko - kinda like maki’s sidekick. not a proper member of the team because her powers are hard to learn and she’s still young and inexperienced - technically ChikaYou’s senior in the crimefighting department, but she’s not looking to be a leader - ChikaYou think she’s good enough to be promoted to proper membership. Riko has Doubts - manipulates Sound. very complicated power like if she’s not careful she could level a portion of city by making somethin loud enough. also she can do stuff like distort her voice, mimic other voices, make noise from out of nowhere, etc. stretch the science a lil i guess - one morbid technique maki taught her is to make a heart beat so loud it kind of explodes and breaks the person’s chest from the inside. Stretch the Science - also, superhuman hearing and some acrobatics skill - archnemesis: Super Maki

6. Chika - Honoka’s biggest fan!!! - more clever than she appears, but also may be a bit too eager to leap into the fray - takes the lead whenever she, You and Riko fight crime, but still thinks they’re better suited to think of strategy and stuff. tends to be in the middle anyway. - hopes to get the respect that will make the Dream Team finally tell her what dark secrets they’re hiding about The Incidents. she can smell a conspiracy - kind of weird powers. flight, fireballs (more like small stars really), small to mid-scale explosions, heat resistance, invulnerability to burns, regeneration. she can survive alone in space too but that’s not coming up anytime soon - archnemesis: Super Honoka, but she has to learn it’s Honoka

7. You - formerly a sidekick to her father (i call him Captain Pacific) she’s now an independent super identity - before chika got her powers they had that dynamic where theyre like ‘Superhero in high school + their normal best friend who knows their secret identity’ and she got this old mindset where she as a super needs to keep chika safe even now that chika has powers and can finally return the favor - also kind of?? rivals with riko?? not romantically, more like city hero vs. small town hero, plans vs. action, etc. these differences are kind of why chika’s the leader - her superhero identity is liger-themed fsr???? i don’t know!! shes not a boat or an anchor in any case. big cats make good superheroes maybe - superhuman strength and senses, water manipulation, night vision, Buoyancy manipulation (she will make things float in the air if she wants, george). also some special armor. not the type for spandex - archnemesis: Super Rin (Not because she’s the other nya)

The Bad Guys

like your usual rogues gallery, these guys dont really work together and just wreak havoc independently....... until the big twist that they all really Were in cahoots reveals itself!!! idk if they are tho, the good guys ^ are where most of my brainpower went. theyre numbered but really there’s no order.

1. Nico - in a villainous trio with RinMaki, kind of their leader - her aesthetic now that she’s Evil is assassin-ish which is totally Not nico. the cops will never suspect heehee (she doesnt kill people tho even if she totally can) - her powers include super regeneration (yes Super), super senses, and super strength. also now she has knives n swords n guns. Deadpool nico - for her mundane identity she’s a nico nico neet i think, living apart from her family - archnemesis: Mari, but in an ‘oh fuck not you again’ way kinda

2. Rin - Hanayo’s old friend. she lets hanayo in on the fact that she’s workin on some shady stuff with nickmack but she also asks hanayo to only tip the team off at the right time...... mysterious - currently maki’s schoolmate in her mundane identity. keeps up with schoolwork and crime despite having no life-juggling training with the help of her superpowers - rin is fast in that her neural system works at multiple times the speed of a regular person. fast brain, fast action, a+ coordination and memory skills. more clever than your average rin - also she’s still a star athlete that can parkour with the best of them and recently got her paws on some high-tech hacker/spyware. eventually she even learns to mod it herself - she’s lynx themed get it -leaves villain calling cards. for The Plan - archnemesis: Super You

3. Maki - kinda very sad about leaving her old team, esp riko, whom she was supposed to mentor, but like she wont show it - sure they steal but she still has Money just in case. also she has some houses to hide out in i guess - kind of mission control now. only reveals herself in the most dramatic moments. kind of a big deal - regenerates, can help others regenerate, can straight up manipulate blood n stuff. can also sense heartbeats and make hearts explode (not that she has). Danger danger - archnemesis: Super Riko :(

4. Yoshiko - Died and was resurrected as some kind of pseudo-angel ofc. doesnt remember her life as a human and fsr nothing comes up in investigation either. slightly concerned about the fact that no one who knew her is looking for her and about the lack of such people in the first place - has a bad handle on her powers. her flight and invulnerability do their jobs, but her fires start at bad times and her feathers feel a little more like needles than down and Also they shoot. porcupine bullet wings. her super senses give her headaches. sucks to be her - her flavor of villainy is more like ‘local safety hazard flies again’ - ‘yoshiko’s dead, george. I’m yohane now’ - archnemesis: Super Kotori, whom she’s naturally opposed to fsr

5. Ruby - woke up from some kind of sci-fi stasis with powers, was confused, accidentally blew shit up and got locked up. very stressful beginning for ruby - she’s staying in the basement of HQ while they observe her and try to help her manage her explosive powers. Hanayo, especially, tries to help - vaguely remembers having a sister. also has positive feelings about some ‘hanamaru’ - again her archnemesis is a Friend so

6. Dia - woke up from some kind of sci-fi stasis missing some of her old skeleton and a portion of her spine. she’s part terminator now - on that note she’s got Very Fast reflexes now and among other things, a more efficient circulatory system. doesnt tire easily. also immune to electric shock and is cybernetically connected with her special Not-Adamantium™ sword+armor. most bullet wounds are nonlethal to her. - is looking for ruby. among other things - incidentally her mask is very important to her because her mole as a facial feature is really incriminating. no clark kenting for her - lowkey wanted to be Eli’s right hand man in the past. ended up being enemies with Eli’s actual right hand - archnemesis: Umi

7. Kanan - she’s like if sharkboy was also a waterbender and an eel. aqualad but with more Teeth. u feel - tbh idk what her personal agenda is anymore but she’s kind of a cowboy - buddies with dia in both their identities. inconvenient hiding her gills tho - also they share origin stories but the corrosive vat of radioactive waste or w/e turned her into a fish person instead of melting her from the inside like it did with dia - archnemesis: Super Eli

The Other Guys

the news doesnt know what to make of them. theyre very mysterious

1. Honoka - honoka’s body is missing (hidden in an evil lair somewhere) but portions of her mind and powers were uploaded into a robot. honkbot gradually gets more honoka-like with every encounter it was with the Dream Team - as a robot, her steel does not melt and no substance on earth can scratch it. probably can crush her tho - Lots of Fire. breathes fire, shoots fire, flies with fire, kind of a human-shaped tank with flamethrowers. honoka as a fleshy also could not be burnt (but she probs couldnt survive in space) - honoka’s mind does her best to hack the robot. with her mind. - archnemesis: Super Chika ofc

2. Nozomi - knows shit. what shit? only she knows - kind of friendly with yoshiko and tries to help out but yoshiko is equal parts shy and abrasive with people so they dont hang much - telepathic, can see spirits, sometimes gets glimpses of the future. her cards can cut things - the wildest of wildcards. gives tips to Everyone - also leaves contact cards. she can weaponize them tho - no archnemesis

3. Hanamaru - i’ll be frank i have no idea what maru can do but chances are she’s met nozomi - most likely a human burdened with knowledge of super affairs - maybe she remembers yoshiko too. maybe she connects it all - no archnemesis

4. Mari - powers: Money. also her left arm is entirely robotic. she lost it saving kanan and dia from radioactive Death. it’s bulletproof, can shoot things, communicate with her personal vehicles, and has wifi tho - doesnt really involve herself much with stuff going on but she’s biding her time and savings, waiting for The Right Moment. vague - keeps an eye on everyone and everything but especially KanaDia, who have unfortunately split up from her. she keeps them alive tho - actually she’s responsible for turning Dia into Samurai!Terminator. (dia consented to it ofc) - no secret identity! mari ohara being a cyborg is just another celebrity fun fact - archnemesis: Super Nico, who keeps stealing her stuff!! she doesnt mind too much tho

side info: - the Dream Team are also kind of the spiritual successors of Tsubasa, Anju and Erena (we’ll call them the Arisers). Honoka is Tsubasa’s literal successor, but by the time of that succession the three of them has disbanded, mostly bc Tsubasa fuckin Died. - saint snow are probably telepathic parkour artists or someth. also good guys tho. if the plot ever goes to sci-fi hokkaido we’ll see them there - t b h shion girls academy are their own justice league, and YG international school are international supers who do superheroics in two countries. supers everywhere - Captain Pacific is an international super too - right now it’s no plot just lore

#see the biggest twist is that yousoro was the first furry #xtreme clutter #i dont remember a lot of things this is a really old au but im glad that dia's sword has always been a constant in the public consciousness #choose from a roster of 18 heroes!!#also i probably remembered some things wrong like maki's powers but they were Red #sharing this bc its all i can do with it at this point. its so Old

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