#CantUnlickMyAssTho

[21ninjashoes-blog]

The Break Up

So, after two years (well, maybe a year and a half, because the first 6 months was just sex w/o feelings) of being 100% committed to the man I loved, He dumps me....Over the phone.... As I was driving to his house.... After two years of putting me through bull shit he didn’t even have the decency to do it in person! He was too much of a pussy to face me!! I guess that’s to be expected, since he was too much of a bitch to even introduce me to his family after two years! I honestly don’t know why I was so head-over-heels in-love with this man! There were so many red flags from the jump but I ignored ever single one of them! I knew in my head I should have never let him in! But something inside me kept screaming at me to go for it... I know that I shouldn’t be as hurt as I am, since there was nothing real about the relationship, its just hard to let it go like that! I mean, the break up is still super fresh... It happened on St. Patty’s day(2 days ago) I cried myself to sleep instead of going out and having fun with friends, finally fell asleep at 4am and then woke back up at 7am and continued to cry. I hate crying and in my head I know he isn’t worth the tears. But for some reason, I couldn’t stop no matter how hard I tried. Everytime I tried to stop crying, I cried harder. I want to hate him so much, but I just can’t. I know 2 years of a bull shit “relationship” isn’t really worth being this upset, I mean, its not like we were married for 20 years or something. But before he showed up I had already made a conscious decision to stay single and not get close to anyone for a long time. I wanted to wait to until I had my life back on track and everything figured out before getting into a relationship. I had planned on not getting into a relationship unless I saw a future with that person. And then along comes he-who-must-not-be-named. (guess I dated Voldemort...he’s just as evil and Likes to use people the same way) And I saw a future with him, because I am fucking retarded!

I don’t understand why I fell so hard for him. I just don’t get it. And I honestly don’t know if I’m really as hurt as I feel, or if its my pride that is hurt. I mean, first of all, I don’t get dumped... I do the dumping... And I invested a lot of time into him. I wouldn’t have put up with being kept on the back burner for 2 years if I had thought that it wasn’t going anywhere! I wouldn’t have wasted that much time on someone that I didn’t see myself with in 40 years! I made the decision long ago that the next time I invested that much time into would be the last time. Not as in, if it doesn’t work I won’t eventually move on. But as in, if I took the time, I was in it for the long haul. 

His reasoning for breaking up with me is that he’s “not good at this stuff.” And all he’s done for the last 2 years is hurt me and that he doesn’t want to hurt me anymore so instead of MANNING THE FUCK UP AND DOING WHAT THE FUCK A REAL MAN WOULD HAVE DONE he hurts me even more by BREAKING UP WITH ME!!! It’s no wonder his baby mama cheated on him and left his ass!!!! He says that if after 2 years he hasn’t brought himself to “do the right thing” than it will never happen. And the reason is he is scared that he will fuck it up somehow and that I will leave and it will crush is daughter.... Call me old school, but I feel like if something is broke you fix it...Not throw it away. So if that were to happen, I wouldn’t have just left... I would work it out. I would NEVER do anything if I knew it was going to hurt a child!! I love children and I would never just up and leave a child in the dust. Whether it was my kid or someone else’s. And he knows full well that I wouldn’t he is just making excuses like always. Every single excuse he has come up with for “not moving forward” was just that.... Excuses... Every one that he came up with was bull shit and easily countered.

I just wanted the truth from him... I want to hear him say that he did it because he didn’t love me back. (Which I have known for a long time) I wanted to hear him say that he could never love me and that he would never be willing to try! I wanted to hear him tell me that I was never more than just a booty call and that I wasn’t good enough for his love. He kept trying to say that wasn’t the truth and that it was so much more than that. But I can’t help but think everything he says is a fucking lie! I don’t believe anything that comes out of his fucking mouth! He told me he was sorry almost every day for a year and a half thinking I was dumb enough to not understand that if someone were really sorry about their actions they  would change them! He pretended to give a fuck for two whole years! That is what I wanted to hear him say!! I wanted him to tell me that it was all just a lie and that he never gave a fuck the whole time! He wouldn’t even do that for me. He kept trying to say that he did care (or that he does care) and that is why he was doing this in the first place. He broke my heart because he cared??? WHO THE ACTUAL FUCK SAYS SOMETHING LIKE THAT!!!!! He said that like it would make it hurt less! It would have hurt less had he just told the truth! Had he just said he never cared at all and all he wanted was a good fuck to pass the time it would have hurt so much less! And that may not be the actual truth... But that is the truth in my head! That is how I see the situation! Because everything he said made zero sense!! 

I don’t understand why I’m not good enough for him. What I did that made me not worth it? I don’t understand why he was too ashamed to introduce me to his family? Was it my history in drugs? The fact that I used to be a stripper? My tattoos and piercings? The fact that I have a tendency to dye my hair crazy colors? What about me is not good enough for him!?!? Why am I not good enough to meet his family!? Why am I not good enough to build a life with?!

I don’t want to be in this much pain, and I honestly wish I could erase every memory of I have of him. Which would be really hard since he technically hired me at my very first job back in high school. I mean I should have realized back then that he was a piece of shit when he got FIRED FOR KNOCKING UP SOME DUMB BITCH THAT WORKED FOR HIM! I guess when he stepped up and took care of her and the baby, almost married that dumb bitch, and actually fought for and won custody of his child that I assumed he was a good guy! I guess what that really means is that he’s not as good of a guy as I thought and that she’s probably more of a piece of crap than I thought. Because it’s not very often a judge sides with the dad and not the mom! I know that I am only talking shit about her because I am angry with him. But we all worked together so I did actually know her, and from what I remember she wasn’t really my cup of tea. And their personalities didn’t really fit well together. At least not from what I remember. But who knows, people change. Obviously, since he went from a nice guy to a complete douche in 2.5 seconds!!

Well, I should stop here before I get too deep. This entry was supposed to be 1 paragraph...That obviously didn’t happen. I guess I’ll be on tomorrow or the next day.

#DeadManWalking #BetterOffAlone #EatShitAndDie #GoToHell #KillYourself #DirtBag #DoucheBag #POS #Prick #CantUnlickMyAssTho #YouWillDieAlone #YouWillNeverBeLoved #DearDiary #YouAreDeadToMe