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mentallyinwalmart · 5 years

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Cressworth Modern Au- Dear Liza

I have a HC that even in a modern setting, Audrey Rose would still write letters to Liza when she was at Uni. Here are some of those letters throughout the first term of school~

Dear Liza,

Well the first week at Uni has been an absolute whirlwind. I miss father and uncle dearly (not to mention you of course). But I have made lots of new friends. You would love my roomate, Ileana. Noah from my anatomy class, and Anna from psychology are really cool too, and I feel lucky to have met such great people so early on. Noah and Anna are in my major study group, along with some stuck up bloke called Andrei and a few other people I don’t really know. It is a good group, all of us are very determined (though it is only the first week).

I have to tell you, Liza, the absolute funniest thing happened at orientation over the weekend. You remember Uncle’s summer intern? For the life of me I can’t remember his name, but, well he tripped coming down the steps to come over and greet uncle and I. I swear to you Liza, I almost died trying not to laugh out loud. Uncle says he is very bright, and that I will probably run into him at some point this term, seeing as he is in my same major, but so far, he seems to have disappeared. I spaced on asking uncle for his name, so it would seem perhaps I won’t encounter him again.

I am going to a party tonight, and I’m wearing that dress you made for me before I left. Ileana says I look ravishing, so cheers to you!

But enough about me, how is the school of design? How are your classes and flatmates? I want to know everything.

Love always,

Audrey Rose

Dear Audrey Rose,

The school of design is amazing! Paris is beautiful, and my flatmates are absolutely incredible! You must visit, because you would just die for the culture here. It is so different than home, even if it is just a train ride away.

Anna and Ileana sound just lovely. I think you’d get along swimmingly with my favorite flatmate Daciana. She has the most iconic grunge/vampy look, and it perfectly compliments my summer child vibe. We lovingly refer to one another as our “other halves”. I am dying for you to meet her. And perhaps one day soon you might! She has a brother who actually is enrolled at your school! I’ll be sure to ask if he’s the annoying Andrei. How funny would that be!

But anyway, Daci wants to take the train down to London to visit him in a few weeks time and unless something major happens between us in that time, I’m going to accompany her! It will be so wonderful, cousin!

But now that all that about me is out of the way, let’s talk about your encounter with Uncle’s (super hot) summer apprentice. WHAT LUCK AUDREY ROSE!!! I vividly remember the time the two of you met briefly, and how flustered you were when he walked away. Deny it all you want, but I know you were smitten.

If you see him again, I insist, for the sake of my romantic soul, that you speak to him, instead of laughing at him.

Love you, see you soon,

Liza

Ps- his name is Thomas you absolute fool

Dear Liza,

Before I get to my questions about Daci, and about the new aesthetic you’ve seemingly assigned yourself in the few short weeks we’ve been apart, I want to address how ridiculous your claims are.

I have zero feelings for Thomas. Except perhaps feelings of annoyance. True, I found him quite attractive when we met last summer, but i find plenty of people attractive without being “smitten” as you so foolishly put it.

And even if I had been over the summer (which I was not), it is surely gone after working with him this last week. Thomas was a surprise addition to my study group starting at the beginning of this week, and he has proven himself to be most insufferable.

Who has to be right all the time?

And dear Liza, I do not mean “stick to their guns even when they’re wrong” right, I mean, actually, genuinely correct, every damn time. It’s positively infuriating!

Now that we’ve established that the only thing I want between me and Thomas is a brick wall, tell me about your “summer child” aesthetic. Last time I saw you, you were neck deep in prep chic. What has changed?

Daci sounds positively lovely, and I cannot wait to meet her and to see you both.

Anna and I went on this unbelievable night hike last weekend, we went through the forest to the old ruins atop the hill. I’ll have to take you when you come to visit.

Ileana has a friend that goes to your school! She wouldn’t give me a name, saying since it’s such a small school she worries you’d know her, and is keeping her past girlfriends a secret from me ://

Hopefully someday soon I’ll get it out of her. It sounds like she was something special.

Love you, and I excitedly await your visit.

Audrey Rose

Dear Audrey Rose,

First off, I am, and have always been, a summer child. It’s too grey in London for me to fully unleash it. But now here, in Paris, it is lively and warm enough for me to embrace who I really am. You just like to imagine I was a prep because your taste is not nearly refined enough to understand my unique look. (Love you cousin, even if you have the fashion sense of an old woman ;) )

I can’t believe I not only go to school with Ileana’s ex, but also the sister of someone at your school! It’s fate! I’m not sure yet if what kind, but it’s something.

As for Thomas, he sounds infuriating. But then again, isn’t “hot-but-annoying” exactly the criteria for a hate sex partner? I’m just saying, maybe it’s time to ditch the sweaters for something a little more showy and get yourself some action ;)

Love you, please don’t disown me for my foul mouth.

Kisses,

Liza

Dear Liza,

I made the mistake of reading this in the mail room right after I opened my post box.

And who should I smack right into as my face was burning so hot I was worried my blood may boil?

Thomas.

Do you have any idea how embarrassing that was?!

Not that I care what he thinks of me, I would’ve been embarrassed if I’d run into anyone like that.

He asked what I was reading, and because I’m bad at making up lies, I panicked and just mumbled something about having to go.

He had the most infuriating smirk, I swear his already full lips probably doubled in size.

What an absolute buffoon.

Later that night I found him sitting in the (usually vacant) seat besides me in forensics. It’s such a big lecture, I didn’t even know he was in the class. I wasn’t about to ask him to move, even I’m not that harsh. He spent most of the class doodling around the edge of his notebook (he was the only one in the whole lecture who didn’t have a laptop) and yet somehow, he always had the best theories.

Though I don’t like him, I plan to glean everything I can from having him as a new seat mate. He is quite intelligent, but more than that he can insert himself into the situations. It’s fascinating the way his mind works, I intend to steal that trait from him.

As for trading in my sweaters? I will never. They are my truest love. And as for hate sex? Absolutely not. I’m not letting someone I hate be my first time.

Love, your fashion forward cousin,

Audrey Rose

My Dearest (fashionably challenged) cousin,

So what you’re saying, is if it wasn’t your first time, you would take the handsome Thomas straight to bed? You little slut.

Daci and I have set a date for our trip. It is to be two weeks from tomorrow, for neither of us have classes on fridays. We will take the evening train, and be with you by midnight!

Her brother is to pick us up from the station in his car, and drive us to your school. I can’t wait to see you!!!

My whole heart is bursting at the thought (just as yours is bursting with loooooove for Thomas)

Seriously Audrey Rose, no one can write that much about someone they “hate so much”.

I know just how frank you can be, and if you truly disliked him as much as you say, you’d have told him to move, or simply say somewhere else.

That and you wouldn’t have gone into such detail about how intelligent he is and how much you think you can learn from him (not to mention how full his lips are!!).

Stop denying it, and just embrace the fact that you are not only attracted to his face, but his intellect.

Can’t wait to tease you about it in person,

Liza

Dear Liza,

You’re wrong.

Enough about Thomas (though he did bring me a cup of tea to forensics lecture last night when I mentioned earlier that afternoon at study group how tired I was, and how I didn’t have a break until after our night lecture).

I don’t know why I felt compelled to tell you that, maybe just to do him the justice of demonstrating maybe he isn’t all bad.

But still, besides that courtesy he remains an annoyance.

I cannot wait to see you. Ileana and I have found the most wonderful little pub with this incredible live band. They’re from America, and they play this music called “surfer punk”. It is, the strangest thing, but I think you will love them. And if what you’ve said about Daci is true, she will too.

Oh, and speaking of women at your school, Ileana’s ex is apparently “the one who got away”. She told me and Anna the other night when we were all hanging out together in our room. How they only broke up because they were going to different schools. It was the saddest story.

Please don’t stop being my best friend just because you are a Parisian fashion queen surrounded by other Parisian fashion queens.

Love, your bff,

Audrey Rose

Dear Audrey Rose,

First of all, unless someone at school with me here can become better than you, they will never replace you as my best friend/future maid of honor. And spoiler alert, they won’t.

Daci is wonderful, but she will never replace you, no matter how alike we are, you complete me as my polar opposite in some aspects, and yet my mirror image in others.

Wow that was pretty, maybe I ought to be a creative writing major.

In regards to your little Thomas situation, i have been teasing you mercilessly, but in all honesty, that tea thing was very sweet. I think he may have a thing for you too. (Even if it’s just a “id smash if given the opportunity” kinda deal)

This feels like it’s going somewhere, I am thrilled to be experiencing this iconic love story second hand.

your bff,

Liza

Ps- if you get to insist Daci and my other fashion friends don’t replace you than I must insist that Anna and Ileana never replace me in your heart. If I find out you confess your feelings about Thomas to them before me, I will be infuriated. (That is mostly a joke, but in every joke there is a little bit of truth.)

Love youuuuu,

Liza

Dear Liza,

Of course no one will ever replace you. You’re stuck having me as a best friend forever.

Now that we’re done with that nonsense, I have so much to fill you in on.

We just got slapped with this massive midterm project that is due the day you leave, so naturally I am going to try and get it done before you come. I assumed I was working alone because Thomas didn’t bother asking if I might want to work with him, and I don’t know anyone else in that class. But two days ago, there comes a knock on my door. Naturally, I assumed it was Anna or that Illy had forgotten her keys, so I opened the door.

And who should be leaned against the door frame? You guessed it Liza, Thomas. He handed me a to go cup of Earl Grey and then strode right in like he owned the place.

“Messier than I expected.” was all he said before settling himself at my desk, spreading his notes across my own and launching into his take on the case.

He can be quite captivating when he puts his mind to it, and despite wanting to tell him off for barging in, the longer he talked, the more clear it became that our talents would go better together, and the only way I could get this project done on time would be if we worked together.

So I let him stay, and we have spent the last two days together working day and night trying to finish this. It seems to be driving him mad that he can’t crack it as easily as he can most things in that class. I think that must be what is suddenly making him more tolerable.

Only eight days til I see you, dear cousin. Love always,

Audrey Rose

Audrey Rose!!!

You are so smitten!!! When I tell you I canNOT!!! Don’t even try to deny it Audrey Rose!

I have, of course, been keeping Daci in the loop about you and Thomas’ whole “will they or won’t they” scene and she agrees with me that if his actions before hadn’t made it clear he was into you, what he pulled when he came to your room absolutely is. She says you should just make a move, and while I absolutely agree, I told her I bet you wouldn’t because that isn’t very you.

Prove us both wrong?

But even if nothing else comes of it, at least you will (hopefully) get everything done before I get in this weekend! I want every moment with you I can get! Daci and I have the whole thing planned out (of course your American band has made the schedule, Daci is very excited), you, me, her and her brother are going to be like a little posse this weekend, and it’s going to be amazing! And, if Thomas gets jealous you’re spending so much time with another man, you can just invite him. I don’t mind ;)

I’ll see you in six days Audrey!!!!

Love you to America and back,

Liza

Dear Liza,

I had not intended on writing you again before you visited, but a LOT happened tonight.

I penned this letter when I got back from Thomas’ room at three in the morning and honestly? The only reason I did was so that I wouldn’t think tonight’s events were some kind of strange fever dream.

We were in my room working on our midterm project to no avail, just as we have every night this week. It was infuriating. But then, suddenly I had this epiphany, and moved everything around, and it all made sense! I yanked Thomas over and I swear, he lit up like a firefly.

Before I knew what was happening, Liza, he had taken me in his arms and pressed his lips to mine. He tasted like chocolate, which mostly attribute to the mocha he’d been nursing all evening.It was the best kiss I have ever had, he put Will Blackburn from high school to shame, but he pulled away much too quickly.

His cheeks were flushed and his eyes had a mix of hunger and nerves. He opened his mouth, I can only assume to apologize, but before he could get a word out, my desire overcome me. I let my hands run through his curls as we kissed again, and as soon as it was clear I wanted it as much as he did, he was lifting me up and pressing me against the wall. My shirt was off faster than you can say “abracadabra” and his lips were making a sweet trail down my collar bone to my chest as I fumbled with the buttons on his shirt.

I had finally gotten his shirt off, and was running my hands over his abs, my legs wrapped around his waist as he left little love bites on my collar bones and upper chest until suddenly, I heard Illy’s voice outside and her key jingling in the door.

And then, the fire in my core was replaced with icy panic. Luckily, Thomas managed to get into the bathroom before she came in, and I managed to pull my shirt back on before Illy got in the door. I explained as casually as I could that Thomas was on his way out, he had just needed to use the bathroom.

When he reentered the room a few moments later, I was so worried he would give us away, but he looked perfectly put together. BUT LIZA THIS IS WHERE THINGS TRULY GOT INSANE!

HE GREETED ILLY LIKE AN OLD FRIEND!!!

Because apparently?? Thomas’ sister is Illy’s ex, and none other than Daciana Cresswell, your mother fucking roomate.

When I tell you I was floored Liza, I mean it.

Then this boy had the audacity to leave like nothing had happened. But at this point, I had nothing to lose, so after a few moments sorting through details and getting caught up with Ileana, I went up to his room to confront him.

He explained he had put it together when he saw me and Uncle because his sister had been telling him about you, her flatmate named Eliza Wadsworth.

You’d think I would be more upset that he had kept me in the dark, wouldn’t you? But surprisingly, I was not. I guess you were right, Liza. I think I have been smitten since he first stumbled down the steps at orientation.

He seemed nervous I would be angry he had held out on me, but when I told him I wasn’t, it’s like he let down a facade and suddenly he was a whole new person. Unfortunately there wasn’t much fooling around after that (besides the considerable ass grabbing that came with my kiss goodnight) because we both agreed finishing the midterm to be most important that way we can spend the most time with you guys this weekend.

He walked me back to my room despite me insisting he didn’t have to, and taunted me with another kiss, and the promise of taking me on a real date tomorrow night, ‘in the time we would have spent on the project you so brilliantly solved tonight’.

I cannot wait to see you, dearest cousin.

Love,

Audrey Rose Wadsworth

Ps- I will be with Thomas when he picks you up on Thursday night :)

~~~~~

Hope you all enjoyed! This is probably my favorite fic I have ever written!!!! I have decided it is going to inspire a tiny mini series of fic’s, so there will be at least two more coming

Thanks, as always, for reading, and let me know if you want to be tagged as I post the next ones in this series

#sjtr #stalking jack the ripper #Thomas cresswell #Audrey rose wadsworth #cressworth #cressworth au #cressworth college au #college au #sjtr fanfiction #sjtr au #hunting prince dracula #escaping from houdini #capturing the devli

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knightofbalance-13 · 7 years

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RE:RWBY Chapter 3 Review

http://archiveofourown.org/works/10099949/chapters/22790120

Students gathered in Beacon Academy’s large auditorium for an opening assembly. Ruby and Jaune managed to join to the crowd once they saw first-yeats flood towards the innards of the school.

Yeah, again this is a constant problem throughout the story as the author doesn’t understand that you need to add a bit more than what is necessary to keep an audience excited. Detail is the name of the game as it helps the reader visualize and see what is going on. Even in the original scene, I could tell the audience was excited due to the chatter and slight movement which made me excited as well. Here it sounds like everyone is like a robot. awaiting their orders.

“O-oh, okay! Bye…!” He sighed. “She thinks she has it bad, I can’t hold anyone’s attention for more than ten minutes. I gotta listen to Dad more…”

Another problem: Jaune’s original line “No where m I going to find another nice, quirky girl” was both cute, understandable and human. This feels...awkward and artificial due to the change in Jaune’s speech pattern.

“Yang Xaio-Long!” She announced as she walked up to her. “Oh hey, how’s your first day going, sis?” She waved happily, completely unaware of the trouble she experienced in such a short amount of time.

Um, again, detail. Maybe add in: “ up to her, ready to let out her frustrations and woes onto her elder sister.” Would have been more interesting.

“You’re lucky we weren’t blown off the side of the cliff!” Weiss warned. “Oh my god, you really exploded…” Yang did her best to contain laughter.

Yeah, in the original, Yang’s voice expressed surprise at Ruby being literal as well as Ruby’s compliants were being said just as we were seeing Weiss’ angry face thus it was one joke after another. Just as well, the way the Yang line is structured is just bad considering it should go like this: “Yang said, trying her best to contain her laughter.”

“It was an accident! An accident!” Weiss held up a pamphlet in front of Ruby’s face entitled “Dust for Dummies” and shoved it towards her hands. “The Schnee Dust Company” she began, “is not responsible for any injuries or damages sustained while operating a Schnee Dust Company product. Although not mandatory, the Schnee Family highly encourages their customers to read and familiarize themselves with this easy to follow guide to Dust applications and practices in the field. Well-readiness in the field of Dust applications can lead to none or fewer legal issues with the Schnee Dust Company and its providers.”

Describe Ruby’s lines as crying out and then it becomes funny. Weiss shoving the pamphlet into Ruby’s hands may not seem like a bad thing but it was the punchline of Weiss’ “read this and never talk to me again” line. Now, the line will be said without a punchline or a joke.

And Weiss’ talk is nowhere near as funny with it being speed up or seeing Ruby being overwhelmed. In fact, it’s not even funny just....there.

“I noticed your Dust cartridges,” Weiss said in reference to Ruby’s ammo belt. “Even if you do use an inferior and cheaper brand, that’s no reason you can’t familiarize yourself with proper safety protocol. For the sake of me and everyone at this school.” “U-um, it’s not really all that ch-cheap-” Ruby spluttered. Weiss ignored this. “You really wanna start make things up to me, dolt? “Absolutely?” “Read this, and don't ever speak to me again.”

yeah, the interjection of the two extra lines are completely superfluous and adds nothing. You could edit them out and it wouldn’t lower the quality at all. In fact, the joke of Ruby being awkward is now overstaying it’s welcome and becoming pretty damn boring.

“Look, uh, it sounds like you two just got off on the wrong foot. Why don't you start over and try to be friends, okay?” She offered. Clearly this girl had no intention to let things go with her little sister.

One word can make all the difference, like adding “hopelessly” after “offered.” Without that word, the lines here are kind of confusing as I don’t know why Yang is doing something she knows she’ll fail at while “hopelessly” implies she’s taking a chance.

“Yeah!” Weiss exclaimed with sudden and obviously-not-forced enthusiasm. “And we can paint our nails and try on clothes and talk about cute boys, like tall, blond, and scraggly over there!”

Narration is suppose to be factual and informal, not sarcastic. That defeats the purpose of narration. Everyone knows that.

“Wow, really?!” Ruby asked, far too optimistic for Weiss’s sense of humor.

Weiss offered no response but dead silence and a very disgruntled glare.

Okay, what narration style is this? This all over the place third person narration is something that beginners have hammered out of them by the second chapter. I know this because I had this problem in my very first work and didn’t repeat it.

Also, waiting for the punchline. You know, the frank “No” Weiss says that is the payoff to the build up of her sarcasim, Ruby’s hopefulness and her glare? ... Not happening? Then your joke falls flat. Also, Jaune’s “I’m a natural blonde” was set up by Weiss mentioning him but that’s also edited out so that’s another build up wasted.

A man walked on stage and the room began to quiet down. Ruby squinted and saw none other than Professor Ozpin make his way to a microphone stand with Professor Goodwitch in tow. Ozpin seemed to stand with regal straightness despite reliance on a cane. For that matter, Ruby felt like his eyes lingered on her for just a moment despite his sweeping, aloof gaze. A very unsettling, ghostly presence. He quietly adjusted the microphone to his height, and gave a slight cough to draw the crowd.

Normally this would be praiseable given that it’s fine detail...but it shows the author is too lazy to do it for everything else which is what really needs it. Youw atsed detail on Ozpin when this detail should have gine to the Weiss and Ruby part or to Ozpin’s introduction.

“Kind of a creepy guy, huh?” Yang asked, hardly respectful without the experience Ruby had. “Hey, he’s just a little strange. I promise he’s got it together more in person.” “Didn’t sound all there to me.” “Maybe he’s getting on in years,” interrupted Jaune Arc, who appeared between them. “You know, my grandpa hasn’t been able to tell me or my sisters apart since I was six.”

Creepy? I never got a creepy vibe from Ozpin. Your language from ebfore fits that but doesn't fit his character: Those description are better suited for Salem NOT Ozpin who is a mentor character and thus this unsettling vibe would conflict with that. And removing that and replacing it with creepy is both a downgrade and makes him superfluous.

Also, Jaune line here is...just dull and sad for people with Alzheimer disease. The blond line was much funnier.

Pyrrha Nikos commanded attention wherever she went. The young girl wished to keep things quiet on her first day at Beacon, but students who had heard of her fighting prowess and seen her face from magazine to cereal box refused to give her that peace. Weiss Schnee, the queen of entitlement, hardly attracted a crowd herself but made sure to make herself the forefront of Pyrrha’s followers. “Oh, Pyrrha, your gown looks simply divine!” Weiss kicked off a torrent of compliments, even though her night garb advertised nothing but modesty. Ironically the white-haired girl dressed richly and without shame of her wealth. Hundred-yard stares of awe and envy showered her every move. Everyone in the ballroom must have gawked to some extent; all except that scraggly blond boy who cluelessly wondered what made all the ruckus.

Okay, again, this clusterfuck of a narration style is giving me a headache as this gets hammered out of you mere days within writing. It’s too specific for normal 3 person and two wide spread to eb character specific.

This praising Pyrrha thing only worked because Jaune was there to provide a direct foil and counterpart to Weiss at the moment, bring misery for Weiss who at the time was the perfect joke magnet due to her bitchy side being the only side we see so far. Now there's no misery except Pyrrha who is too kind and composed for it to be funny. Also Jaune not noticing Weiss is very OOC.

Speaking of: You showed you can do detail now mind explaining what Weiss is wearing? no? The why is it so attractive?

“I know I do!” She purred seductively through her teeth. Several shirtless guys had taken the opportunity to flaunt themselves before they turned in. “Oh come on, after your sixteenth birthday, I don’t think he’d want you having sleepovers anymore.” “Ah yes, Lilac,” she reminisced. “Really made it a ‘sweet’ sixteen.” “Gross,” Ruby shuddered. “Is it really that much more gross than the time I walked in on you polishing Crescent Rose ?” “It’s very different!”

because the joke about Ruby being sexual attracted to weapons didn’t die out after Volume 1 ended...there years ago!

Also, ruby’s grossed out by Yang mentioning sex but had a sexual depiction of Blake?...Not only is this inconsistent with this version of Ruby, it’s OOC as Ruby would probably have a joke like that swing over her head! God, you know a joke is unsalvageable when Taiyang is mentioned and I’m not smiling like a goofball.

PS: Jaune was suppose to wlak in here and make Yang roll her eyes which is funny because Jaune was in a onesie which has lead to many a funny fanart. Here we have...a sex joke and a joke that went stale two years ago. See why jaune is important?

“Whatcha writing?” Yang asked, head tilted towards the scroll. “Just a letter to the gang back home. I promised to tell them all about Beacon and how things are going.”

Okay, the incosnistancies in the author’s writing style is pissing me off. it’s too robotic to be casual and too casual to be informal! It’s really ruining my experience.

Next: Ruby was writing a letter in the original script which kind of reinforced her being simpler than the others, hence “a simple soul.” Typing doesn’t work the same.

“The girl looked over her book to see Ruby unsuccessfully struggle against Yang as she leads her sister over to spot below a vast ballroom window. “Hel-looooo! “ Yang sang, “I believe you two may know each other?”Ruby, right.” She put her book in her lap and leaned back. “You exploded earlier and got that Schnee pissed off.”

Yet another example of animation failing to translate to written form. In the original we had Ruby visibly AND audibly fighting against Yang while Yang’s line was delivered in a cheerful and funny way. This lacks that charm and makes it just dull.

“Ruby, right.” She put her book in her lap and leaned back. “You exploded earlier and got that Schnee pissed off.” “Uh, um…yes?” “Made for a pretty good first day,” she said with a smirk. “See? She likes you,” Yang whispered as she nudged Ruby. “Keep it up!” “I don’t know what to say!” She hissed back, glad that she had the girl’s approval but completely lost on what conversation to make.

See here, this just feels artificial because Blake was so factual and netural about the incident in the last chapter that we would think Blake wouldn’t say something like that whereas the original just had Blake mention she exploded and Ruby tried to shake her hand she sniffed Ruby, reinforcing her awkward personality naturally instead of this unnatural crap.

“Blake,” she sighed. She had just began to pick up her book when Yang asked. “Well, Blake, I'm Yang, Ruby's older sister! I like your bow! “Thanks,” Blake said, a little irritated now. “It goes great with your, ya’know, pajamas!” “Mm..?” Blake tilted her head, impatient for them to either get on with the conversation or leave her be. Yang thought she even saw the bow twitch with annoyance. Ruby laughed uncomfortably as Yang continued to throw out topics.

Okay, this is where the narration style crashes and burns as I cannot tell what is going with it. Is Yang making the observations, is Blake , is the author? It’s mixing in all these things that do not work together!

Also, Blake was perfectly fine before with Ruby whereas in the original she was being factual and showed annoyance earlier on, displaying she didn’t want to talk naturally. Now it feels like Blake is annoyed because “plot!”

“Well, that's why we're here. To make it better.” “Oh, I am so proud of my baby sister!” Yang coddled. She smothered Ruby with a tight hug, which she valiantly fought and lost against. “Cut it out!” Ruby kicked at Yang’s legs to knock her down and they ended up in a pile on the floor. Somehow Yang’s hug turned into a headlock and soon enough sleeping bags were tossed tangled beneath them and pillows flew across the room. Blake sunk into her place against the wall further as eyes turned on the arguing sisters.

If they were being that rambunctious in the original, Glynda would storm in and scold them or at the least someone besides Weiss would come up and tell them to stop.

“What in the world is going on over here?!” No one but Weiss Schnee stormed in on the scene. “Don't you realize some of us are trying to sleep-” Yang and Weiss locked eyes, fed up with each others presence. “Oh, not you again!” They both shouted in exasperation. “Shh! Guys, she's right! People are trying to sleep!” “Oh, now you're on my side!” “I was always on your side!” “Yeah, what's your problem with my sister? She's only trying to be nice!” “She's a hazard to my health!”

Do I even need to point out how the original surpasses this due to voice acting and Blake’s expression?

Blake sighed and closed her book for good. She had been ripped from her peaceful night but couldn’t say the bickering didn’t entertain her some, especially with Weiss angry at an innocent Ruby. Something about the way that girl got worked up gave her a deep satisfaction, but that she would keep to herself.

Why would Blake not know why making Weiss upset satisfy her? She’s a Schnee and from her view Weiss is a spoiled privileged brat that caused her kind Fanaus and her comrades the White Fang trouble for years?

... Blake’s not a member of the White Fang in this is she?... It’d say how dumb that is and how by removing that Blake should be a completely different person but I’ve got house work to do.

Final thoughts: The writing is boring and uniteresting, lacking detail and comedic timing to be engaging or funny. The changes just make the story worse and the narration pisses me off.

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