#Fucking everything I’ve ever loved

[fridaynight--saturdaymorning]

Fuck EVERYONE who ever taught me to hate myself. I was never like this before and I never deserved to feel this way about myself. The hardest part of this is the fact that I know it’s just been instilled in me! I could have been different. Fuck, I was different! I was happy to just exist as myself. I didn’t care what other people thought. Now I’m just like you. Fuck you for taking that away from me

#Yeah sorry folks I do hate myself for being queer sometimes I wouldn’t have it any other way but i also wish I didn’t have to sacrifice #Fucking everything I’ve ever loved #Either sacrifice myself (the only person it seems has ever really loved me) #Or sacrifice everyone I live for. What a fucking choice. A choice I knew I had to make from the age of 11 because of the way ive been treat #I’ve had a good life and I will continue to. I’m fucking privileged and I notice that. But I wish I didn’t have to live like this sometimes #I’ve never been a girl. I’ve always liked them. Why are those things that make me weak. Why do they make me wrong. What is all of this even #Fucking for. How much do I have to suffer before anyone even cares whether I live or just pretend to. #I used to fantasise about trying to kill my self. Not actually dying but waking up in the hospital. My mum saying that it’s okay. That she #can accept me being a boy and that she’s just glad I’m alive. Why the fuck should anyone ever feel like that. It’s so fucked. #Instead I’m just told that my mental health is a burden. That everyone walks on eggshells around me. That everyone hopes Ive grown out of i #That everyone loves my deadname. That everyone would be disappointed if I wore a suit. That people would talk. I can’t FUCKING TAKE IT. #I’ll be okay though. Don’t worry about me. I’ll repress it a bit more. It’ll go a bit further down. I’ll practise my little self care ritua #And eat good and try and tell myself that maybe it’s not all bad. #And I’ll tell myself that I’m being dramatic when I cry myself to sleep #Genuinely tho don’t worry about me this will probably all be forgotten by the morning it’s just sad boy hours

[applebees4prez]

when i say that this was my 9/11 i fully mean it. i would pull out my computer and write it myself if it weren’t so personal to dan. i will go into debt to make this happen. @danielhowell if there is anything i can personally to get dan is not okay out into the world i will do it i don’t care if i’m a freshman in college i would die for this.

#DINOK MY BELOVED #i’m getting way too fucking emo about this #actually idc #this is everything i could ever want #not only is this concept so fucking interesting and cool #but i love dan and everything he does so much #i have full trust in everything he creates #idc if it’s parasocial #i went to wad it was the best thing ever #i’ve watched every dd episode five times as they came out #daniel howell is a true creative visionary who should get to run wild #but also i need to go back to the plot #not only is it a reflection of dan’s life #but so many people are actually going through this same thing #and will continue to #i go to class every day and see the guys who are business majors or whatever #and i just want to scream in their face that there is more to life than d3 sports #also as somebody who’s interested in dan this is everything to me plotwise #like yes queen i am also incredibly grateful that you dropped out of law #i am so happy that you have become comfortable not just with your sexuality #but with who you are in general #you don’t know me but you raised me #and i am so proud of you #AKDHAKDHSK SORRY IM DONE NOW #BUT I COULD GO ON FOR HOURS #daniel howell #dan is not okay #dinok #why i quit youtube #dan howell

[euphoricfilter]

aaron warner the man you are 🧎🏻‍♀️

i cant do this anymore

#book recommendations #it’s foul how much i love this man #and i’m never getting over this scene #because what the fuck #but also them being soulmates is everything i’ve ever needed #shatter me #aaron warner

[biblionerd07]

I tried watching some of the Ian/Mickey scenes from season 11 and it made me ill. These are IMPOSTERS. That is not Ian and Mickey!! Especially Mickey!!! Look at how they massacred my boy. But one of the most frustrating parts is that if you watch the deleted scenes it shows that someone in that writers’ room DID know how to write Ian and Mickey but the producers or whoever makes that decision were like “nah, no meaningful conversations that show how much they love and respect each other and are working on their relationship. These fans who’ve been watching the characters struggle for a decade want them to continuously argue and beat the shit out of each other and act like they hate each other!”

#John wells if I ever catch you #there were a very few small spots of goodness and I credit ONLY Noel and cam for that #they were doing their level best #some of the things they had coming out of Mickey’s mouth made me want to drive my head through a wall #in what world am I supposed to believe Mickey was getting blow jobs from other guys #and making a joke out of Ian’s bipolar???? #like the one time they remembered they even wrote Ian as bipolar and it was for a shitty line where Mickey throws it in his face #it feels like every season is a whole new show and not connected at all to the others #and then it starts feeling like every EPISODE is a whole new show that’s not connected #why was there like a goofy soundtrack as Mickey’s literal Nazi abusive rapist father moved in next door #Noel was giving us everything and they made a joke out of it #and then they made a joke out of Mickey being conflicted and crying after terry died?????????? #I want to kill them #Ian saying frank was worse than terry????? girl in what world?????? #Mickey was NEVER insecure about bottoming and he was always adamant about how much he loved it but suddenly it’s an issue #from ‘liking what I like don’t make me a bitch’ back when he could barely LOOK at Ian to…this #also Ian used to be very sweet even when he was being stubborn and self-righteous and even violent #but they really lost his sweetness #and I know it wasn’t just cam growing up bc there were glimpses of it in the way he chose to have Ian move and hold onto Mickey #but the writers seemed hell bent on all of the characters being so horrible to each other #in the early seasons they could sometimes be cruel and selfish even to each other but underneath it all they loved each other #and it feels like when they decided to lean solely into goofy comedy that lost that #it’s just sad to see a show that started so good end so badly #I’ve seen people talking about a spinoff with Ian and Mickey and I don’t even fucking want it with these writers #maybe if cam and Noel were producers and got to choose the storylines #they’re the only ones I trust

[kuja-kujaku]

lmao I’m not even 32 yet and someone asked me when I’m going to start coloring my grey hair. never, actually, it’s a condition. it’s called Pretty Boy Disease and it’s terminal. it just gets worse as I get older, I just keep getting more and more grey hairs until I’m so hot people can’t stand to look at me. make sure it’s an open-casket funeral, don’t put me in the ground without getting a good eyeful bc I worked hard for these sultry little grey binches.

#god damn this society hates everything about being human at a base level #I’m not old and grey hairs are just normal #I’ve had a grey patch since I was like 14 #but like shut the fuck up also #throw the entire concept of being old out the window until you’re like fucking. 75+ and then get back to me #30 will be peak if you let it #in fact I feel better now than I ever did before #undo that conditioning that the 20s are the only fun times in your life or that you’re old past 25 #it’s insane to me to see people hating wrinkles or average facial features and calling them old #when we literally are born with wrinkles and some of us have more dramatic creases even in our teens #American media especially just fetishizes this false idea of youthfulness #but anyway fuck everything and everyone who tells you to change yourself bc of your age #aging gracefully has nothing to do with coloring your hair and everything to do with treating yourself with kindness and loving your body #aging gracefully #thirty is not old #real shitposting hours #y’all need to do some introspection #and some self acceptance while you’re at it

[unnerving-presence]

everybody following me for wesker content must be hella confused that i’m suddenly fawning over a medieval hungarian knight that loves murder

#dw i still love pookie bear #i still love like every fictional character i’ve ever obsessed over #yes i still love mikey my my #and irish cowboy #and big fucking tyrant #that don’t go away.. #i’ve just always really loved knights #i love their armor and their weapons and like everything about them you best believe i’m obsessed with any knight based character

[sunnibits]

he literally. fucking. he wants to be better but he doesn’t know how. he wants romance deep down but he doesn’t know how to be romantic. he’s in love but he can’t even recognize it. he wants to be softer but he’s all hard edges and he just doesn’t know how!! he doesn’t know how to make himself gentle!!! he doesn’t fucking know!!!!

#and here comes this GUY who just knows everything and is everything he never even knew Ed wanted because he never TOLD him #and he thought he fucking NEEDED to be sharp and hard and cold like a shard of glass because nobody fucking TOLD him there was another way #nobody ever bothered to teach him how to be tender and Ed presumably never asked for it so how was he fucking supposed to KNOW. #how was he supposed to know!! how to be any different!!!!! #how could Ed possibly ever choose him now that he has all the tenderness he wants and Izzy is too mangled to ever be soft again!!!!! #how!!!! #he’s fucking lost and he doesn’t even know how to fight this battle!!! #izzy hands #ofmd #sorry but cons comments have been making me INSANE #and it’s 2am and I just can’t handle this right now #he literally wants to be better. he wants to love he wants to be loved but he doesn’t know how…. #something something when you train your dog for the pit fights then leave it on the street to go adopt a pretty little lapdog instead #I’ve just. had many discussions with my friend ab this concept and it murders me every tim wand cons fucking comments are just making it #so much worse

[valoale]

Life is too fucking unfair

Just got a message from my friend who told me one of the working dogs I used to train and handle and lived with me for a while was put down today because of health issues

I can’t stop fucking crying

#everyone is fucking dying around me #I hate it #can’t take this anymore I hate everything #everything fucking hurts #I loved that dog more than anything #and my biggest regret is not buying him and giving him a forever home #this is why training dogs that aren’t yours is hard #I just fall in love with every dog #he was the best German shepherd I’ve ever had the pleasure of training #I love you now and forever #wish things would’ve gone differently #but now you aren’t in pain anymore #and that’s the most important thing #cw pet death #vee talks

[seventh-district]

so uh. that 2.2 Special Program, huh

#hsr #honkai star rail #hsr 2.2 #hsr spoilers #hsr leaks #the body of this post reads as far less enthusiastic than i really am #i just don’t know how to casually return from my latest 2 week hiatus only to gush abt a game i’ve hardly blogged abt before #but i’m not making a whole ass sideblog for it like i did for Genshin. nah y’all r gonna bear witness to my fixation with this one #so anyways don’t mind me. vibrating into another dimension with anticipation for the next 11 days #it’s insane man. a year ago i Never ever woulda thought i’d be so invested in this game. and it took Months for the game to really grab me #but i’m v glad i kept coming back even when i was struggling to really get into it. like i just had this feeling that if i stuck around and #gave the game a chance to really like. come into its stride. i just always felt like there was Something there and i just hadn’t found it #and holy shit i finally found it in Penacony. the devs really truly outdid themselves with this region and these characters and this story #not to discount everything that’s happened prior. like i was genuinely Liking it all before now but i wasn’t Loving it y’know #but that may be more a ‘me having to fight tooth n’ nail to force myself to consume new media’ thing than it is a matter of the actual game #anyways i came here to talk abt the program! bc since i’m not filming my HSR stuff i’m gonna be insufferable abt it on Tumblr instead ! :) #and i’m probably not filming any more Genshin stuff. or anything else at all for that matter but let’s not talk abt that dead dream #pun not intended lmao. Anyways let’s return to the subject at hand while there’s still room left in these tags shall we #i’m so fucking glad they had Aventurine on this program man. especially since he’s leaked to only have 18 lines in 2.2… it was nice to see- #-him here at least 🥹 i’ll take what i can get. his unenthusiastic little bird noises at the beginning.. him being reluctant to come out.. #the way one of the first things to come out of his mouth was ‘y’know DR RATIO once told me…’ like boy we get it ur in love with him 🙄 (/J!) #i love how they can’t go on these programs w/o talking abt each other it’s adorable. AND THE WAY HE WAS THE ONE TO EXPLAIN BOOTHILL’S KIT!? #they can’t just fuel my crackship like this… god and his whole ‘muddle-fudger.. son-of-a-nice-lady?’ thing had me wheezing #Aven mocking Boothill’s inability to curse was not on my special program bingo card but fuck i’m here for it #and Robin being all curious abt him was so cute.. ‘who /is/ he? … does he order milk at the bar?’ i’m crying she’s so sweet #also the trailer was fucking insane. which feels redundant as hell bc all of HoYo’s version trailers go hard but like. still. wow. #that millisecond long shot of Boothill surveying the skyline is so fucking good. also what the fuck is Jing Yuan doing here!! #not complaining at all tho. we’ve got JY & DH(IL?). Argenti(?). Boothill. Sunday. Aven. all my men r here and i am eating so fucking good #Seven.txt #viddy game stuff

[conjectureand-gloom]

“but i want to live

and not just survive”

#yall. i don’t think i’ve ever discussed this song on my tumblr. #which is a shock bc this is the runner up to that anon ask i got about what song impacted my life most #this fucking song is absolutely everything to me #i won’t go into it #bc it’s depressing asf #but everytime i hear this song i will cry #if yall wanna see me cry play love in the dark around me #anyway #this song just came up on my playlist and i’m sobbing lol #Spotify

[autistic-katara]

heartbreaking: beloved mutual reblogs obvious propaganda and dogwhistles but ur too emotionally attacked to block them

#guys please i am begging u think for a second before reblogging the most antisemitic shit i’ve ever heard disguised as antizionism #yes israel sucks but remember alotta ppl hate them more for being jewish than committing genocide #and if ur gonna be reblogging alotta stuff abt this u gotta be careful abt what kinda stuff ur reblogging #i honest to god do not have the energy for this #please for the love of everything ever think before reblogging that “israel’s stealing baby blood and hamas is good actually” shit #i have these tags blocked for a reason but those badly disguised nazis can’t even tag right #im so fucking sick of this i don’t wanna have to make this post everytime i see smthn on my dash that u could find on a neo-nazi site #antisemtism #tell me if i need to add any extra tags to this btw

[dreamertrilogys]

going into instagram comments is crazy it’s like seeing into a (much MUCH) worse alternate reality like You ppl live such unfathomably terrible lives to me….

#aside from the general everything they’re just so boring and miserable. Btw #sorry it’s just i’ve had insta on my phone lately (unfortunately i can’t delete it until the party ☹️) & every SINGLE time i see some sort o #reel and i’m like HA yknow what i think? and then everyone in the comments is saying the complete opposite thing #every single time without fail #the other day i saw a reel where a bartender dumped all the leftover stuff from the thing (idk what it’s called) into a cup and every1 in #the comments was like ugh yucky disgusting / yk ppl put even grosser stuff in their mouths like genitals. besides if it’s cleaned regularly #enough it should be fine / that’s a big IF. meanwhile i’m like Yum jungle juice 😋 #also one time i saw ppl talking abt how they sleep in binders at sleepovers COME ON reddit is free transtape exists. please #<- these r like the worst examples ever but it’s ok #also like the insane casual misogyny. it’s so bad out here guys #.txt #ppl arguing in the comments like ‘that’s like 2k calories’ / ‘why r u being negative besides it’s only like 300 at max’ / ‘it’s not #negativity’ GUYS. WHAT THE FUCK. CALORIES ARE GOOD I <3 ENERGY???? YOUR BODY ALSO LOVES ENERGY. COME ON. BUTTER 4 LYFE BITCH #OH AND ONE TIME someone made vanilla extract and the comments were all panicked muslims like oh no im rethinking all my vanilla extract #buying GUYS do you or do you not eat bread. great now figure out the alcohol content of fermented yeast vs a drop of ethanol in a cake (that #is being baked anyway!)

[mainenorth]

Hunting Adeline has a The Most Dangerous Game reference don’t talk to me I’m inconsolable

#FUCK THIS #I HATE THIS BOOK #I HOPE ADELINE GETS FUCKING BRUTUALLY MURDERED AND LEFT IN A DITCH #Haunting Adeline is genuinely the worst thing I’ve ever read #going crazy #dont even say erm actually it doesn’t 🤓☝️ #god i hate it here #anyone who says anything written by the author is good needs to get hit by a truck #I hope anyone who likes this author and her writing gets all of their limbs crushed in a factory #<- me after a hunter huntee dynamic is introduced #do not get in the way of a man and his favourite short story #jacks thoughts from the moon #haunting adeline #booktok #booktok slander #if anyone wants a review tell me because I love to rang about stupid shiy #and everything this author has written is stupid shit #anybody who is peddling this book: I hope you get cheated on and witness iy #kys #hunting adeline

[d0d0-b0i]

people stop being mean about my favorite medias challenge >:(

#not pictured: me verging on tears #you don’t want to know how many of my fandoms this applies to #it’s either that or severely underrated #anyway saw people being mean about rwby again online. they simply don’t get it it’s about LOVE and HOPE bitch of course i would fall into it #this is coincidentally also about sonic. and fnaf. and undertale. and minecraft and kipo and everything i’ve ever liked because they have #always gone through periods of ridicule and i’ve always been forced to watch the flames get fanned #like NO the two hour video by hbomb on rwby isn’t correct!! it’s not even half the show and all he does is make fun of it without #providing coherent arguments !! i will not listen to this fucking slander he got paid to do that video he doesn’t even CARE- #sigh 😔😩🙏 i hate loving too easily cus haters always seem so sad and unnecessary 2 me. gods bless n good night ig

[iknowwhereyousleepatnight]

forgor to put something really expensive and cool on my wishlist for my weirdly money-having relatives that forget we exist unless they’re buying christmas presents (we don’t even do christmas lmao) or trying to convert us to christianity (we’re too cynical for religion lmao. it just doesn’t stick) so for christmas i got 10 usb drives. yippee. i’m going to keep 10 copies of my tumblr blog and all the fanfic i’ve saved and all the things i’ve totally legally downloaded so that i can keep them around the house and on my body at all times

#this is bc i’m paranoid btw. if u even care #like a month or so ago i was freaking the fuck out bc i was convinced the internet would go down and i would never be able #to access a bunch of things and i became convinced that i needed to download all the fic on ao3 to keep safe #and download all the copies of every book i’ve ever loved. and my digital art #and then print them all out and keep them in a hoard and have usb drives just in case #like i was lost in the sauce lmao #but at least i wasn’t convinced i was dying that time #so i see no reason not to carry out this plan #i should get money so i can buy a self-sustaining house in the woods and live as a hermit who hoards things and never leaves ever #ah fuck. wait no. shit. ugh #i can’t do that bc i will be giving in and becoming just like my stupid awful horrible relatives #ugh. is paranoia and the instinct to become a conspiracy-driven hermit something that can run in a family #bc i have multiple cases. they aren’t even related!! i have it in both sides. ah shit. now i’ve gotta break the curse or smth #nvm them. i will live not in the woods and i will hoard my things in a nice space near people so i don’t lose touch with reality #take that thing that overcomes my family members one by one and makes them live in the woods and become paranoid of everything

[diffenbachiae]

today is the first day of my dungeons and dragons summer camp and my heart is beating out of my chest !!!!!!!

#i’m SO EXCITED but also SO NERVOUS #i keep picturing the kids all hating D&D and not wanting to play like that’s literally ever happened before. every kid i’ve introduced D&D #it has absolutely loved it #i think it’s really getting me that it’s all on me. #i had the idea for the camp i organized it i made it happen and now i’m leading it #and i don’t trust myself not to fuck it up ngl #but IT WILL GO GREAT the kids will love it and have fun EVERYTHING IS FINE #my coteacher is absent today which isn’t helping #i need her quiet organization brain to balance out my loud wild brain #i’m sitting at the kitchen table trying to resist the urge to show up an hour early for no reason