#I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAS OVERCOME ME

[bburn-art]

Drew this freak Again

#I DO NOT KNOW WHAT HAS OVERCOME ME #was obsessed when i was 14 this one is for them i guess #soul eater #dr franken stein #franken stein #dr. stein #dr stein #dr. franken stein #maybe i should reread the manga. im lowkey too busy to consume new media tho

[realbeefman]

stacy is sooo interesting because she's in love with house but knows that they will never ever be able to have a healthy, stable, sane relationship because they're too similar so. she finds house-lite instead and marries him and. essentially moves on with her life! and is successful in this because she's a moderately well-adjusted person!

wilson, in contrast, never manages to escape the inevitable, in spite of his best efforts to find a house-lite of his very own, because he's an absolute fucking freak and ends up glued to house to the bitter. bitter end

#yeah im too sleepy to revise this. UNFILTERED posting wooahh #some may b shocked but i do actually read thru most of my posts several times to make sure i didnt accidentally write mein kampfe 2 #recently ive come to the realization that i am in fact not an incredibly chill person #and that the constant paranoia and fear in which i live my life is actually PROBABLY a symptom of severe anxiety #like damn. ive always known that im pretty prone to depression but ive preetty much always been aware of that #my mom is a chronic depressive so i know the symptoms i know the signs i have a pretty good arsenal of healthy coping mechanisms #UNFORTUNATELY mommy's mental health problems did not help her not abuse me as a child #so i ended up being a terribly anxious kid who was constantly being screamed at and told i was overreacting (because i was. because i had #a severe anxiety problem that was making me react irrationally.) to everything all the time #which is you know. it is VERY difficult to deal with a mental health problem when you arent aware you have a problem! #its incredible how much. better. my life has gotten since i figured this out and started actively trying to work out what triggers it #and being able to like. realize 'oookay. there is an Issue here and it needs to be overcome' #instead of just beating on myself constantly for not being able to do things without feeling sick or getting breathing problems! #anyways. trauma dumping in tags is over now! #house md #hilson #greg house #james wilson #stacy warner

[kaladinkholins]

mizutaigen is literally like. the first "toxic" m/f ship i've ever cared for. cuz like usually my taste in m/f ships is basically "unhinged baddie" x "badass wifeguy" *

* (see:yen/geralt. trevor/sypha. adolin/shallan. kataang but katara is sane and they're literally so wholesome like theyre traumatised kids in love who are each other's emblem of hope in a war-torn world! so basically they don't count. anyway. i'm rambling.)

and to that end my friend called mizutaigen yaoi-adjacent and im like. yeah you're right actually cuz like hell yeah non-binary mizu and bisexual taigen rights and all the gender fuckery in the show in general

but also like.

theres just SOMETHING else about mizutaigen that just GETS me. like there's a special secret sauce like the pheromones in that one sephora lotion attracting spiders and i am the silly spider!!! there's just something about it!!! it's not even the enemies to lovers trope cuz i personally am not even usually into that (obv it's fine if you are. but yk.)

so as i keep rotating these thoughts around i thiiink it's the fact that, yknow, theyre so similar. like i honestly truly think they could be besties in another universe: a kinder universe where taigen was not taught to hate. a universe where mizu was not born a girl in a deeply misogynistic society or half-white in a xenophobic homogeneous society.

yeah now that i think about it that really just might be THE secret sauce!!! like the fact that they COULD be perfect and happy together, if only things were different, if only they werent themselves.

smth v bittersweet about that's just driving me insane and makes me want to root for them to overcome all those obstacles, to say "fuck all that" (re:the world and all its fucked up shit) and find each other in the end. to eventually become each other's fav person and confidant. who obv still bicker and tease and insult each other all the time but they dont really mean any of it and over time it just becomes a running gag between them and no one else has to get it because it's just between the two of them.

#mizu x taigen #taigen x mizu #taimizu #[clenches fist] it's about the POTENTIAL of it all!!!!! #like taigen's last words in s1 being 'we're not done yet' like ?!? has me WANTING to see more. wanting to see them grow with each other #like i want taigen by the end to be ridiculously head over heels WHIPPED and SMITTEN willing to die and kill and just be BETTER. for mizu. #mizu. the person who changed his entire life. his entire worldview. pulled the rug from under him and made him a man forever changed. #to overcome his selfishness so he can be mizu's HOME in a world that doesn't allow her one #i want him to end up deciding like. 'on purpose. im going to love you on purpose.' #and mizu no matter how much she tries to convince herself that she cannot love or be loved. ends up accepting it anyway #love as work and violence but also love as rest and safety #and also bcs taigen represents the ideals of society. him willing to change & grow also represents society's potential to change & progress #LMAO okay sorry i absolutely cannot stop rambling about these bitches the brainworms are insane #bcs i just noticed that other mizutaigen enjoyers tend to also be in the same fandom circles for ships that i just. do not like. at all #and wondered like huh. i wonder why that is. and wondering what makes mizutaigen different #idk just ignore me i dont even know if im making sense my brain is goop from working on my research proposal #shut up haydar #fandom.rtf

[compacflt]

I just wanted to say as someone who has stumbled across your blog and has read your Wednesday wips and posts about anything topgun related that your thought process and consideration of mav and ice, specifically their political beliefs and relationships with their own identities, is honestly so impressive and cool. You have brought such realism and life to these characters which is just so refreshing to see. idk i just wanted to express how cool and awesome i think that is

Because of the thought into these characters does it make it difficult to like them or understand them if you have differing opinions from them? for me personally i feel like if i were to ever actually have a convo with ice or mav regarding identity politics i would actually start to lose my mind (like how one feels when your dad or fun uncle talks for too long at thanksgiving dinner). If it does make them difficult to like, does that make it difficult for you to write them sometimes?

oh yeah! i think, my ice i really empathize with & really love & really could get along with, once he grows out of the sexism of his teens & twenties, but my maverick drives me crazy. someone sent in an ask a while ago that was like “WHY is cyclone simpson your one true love??” And it’s because i too would absolutely hate maverick & hate working with him lol. people who are overly cocky & un-self-aware & a bit self-centered make me CRAZY. (narrator voice: compacflt is a hypocrite as all these things also apply to compacflt.)

Politically… It’s difficult to say. no one really wants to hear the intricacies of one person’s political journey, which is why i won’t give you mine, but suffice to say—since the start of the russian invasion of Ukraine, and my semi-concerted effort to learn more about the political landscape of modern warfare, my own personal beliefs have shifted a whole bunch. definitely aided in that shift by my top gun fic project that specifically aims to understand the conservative straight-passing male mindset as it relates to military matters… there are many end goals to a project like mine, but one end product is a filter you can take away and hold up in front of your eyes and see the world through it. When writing from the eyes of a conservative straight (passing) white man, your priorities totally shift. I had to write from the perspective of someone who doesn’t care about identity politics. Because they don’t! A core tenet of conservatism is very proudly not caring about that stuff, and being very annoyed when people (usually left-of-centers) make that stuff very visible and want you to care about it! “Don’t shove it in my face,” etc., etc. Don’t force me to care about this taboo, private thing I really don’t care about. It violates my freedoms, or whatever, to be forced to care—or even bear witness to—stuff that i don’t care about. Etc. And then, to be nominally a part of that community that you really, really don’t care about, and then to be told that you have to care about it because of your publicity… people asking you to be proud of something that has had a negative connotation for much of your entire life… that’s not a transformation that happens easily.

Jesus, I could write an essay about this. I have, several times by now in responses to asks over my blog. But there is so much that I could talk about. I think… I really worry that some of my writing falls into the first of the below categories:

I really try not to romanticize conservatism in my writing—I tried to show that ice and mav’s happiness is the price they pay for their conservatism. They’re actively choosing to be unhappy—but because they prioritize their honor over everything, due to EXTERNAL PRESSURES they cannot control, and which I think are often ignored in the fandom space for one reason or another. The fact of the matter is, in 99% of IPs, characters prioritize something other than their sexualities. It’s never Maverick’s personal identity that is at stake in either Top Gun or Top Gun: Maverick, because he has built himself so impermeably masculine that there are no grounds upon which to question his personal identity. He just isn’t thinking about it. He’s thinking about how to get into Charlie’s pants, how to win the Top Gun trophy, how to uphold his promise to Goose, et cetera. If he’s fucking guys on the side, it’s because he wants to and because hes maverick and he does what he wants without thinking about it—that’s the whole point of his character, from a story-construction standpoint. That’s his archetype. He’s a renegade maverick superstar who is both thoughtlessly brilliant and thoughtlessly dangerous. He’s thoughtless. His priorities are to survive and to look cool doing it, and that’s it. He is a savant in the Naval Air Force, where honor is your lifeblood, who feels he has been dishonored by his own family name, and who willingly joined the conservative post-Vietnam Navy right when/after Ronald Reagan was elected President, and who wears cowboy boots and who disrespects women to their faces, and who is eager to get into altercations with Soviet-Chinese-DPRK-X-second-world-country-coded-but-EXPLICITLY-Soviet-manufactured-Mikoyan-Gurevich-MiG-28s(-F-5s-painted-black)… I’m sorry. In my opinion, the conservatism is baked into him as a character. I find it extremely difficult to separate him from his conservatism, because in some ways his patriotic conservatism is his raison d’etre. IMO if you take that away from him, he ceases to exist.

Same thing with Ice and his unwillingness to openly rebel or go against the grain. That is his whole reason to exist in the story at all. I know that I’m saying this in a fandom space where the whole point is to change characters & put them in different situations (fanfic) but… in kind of a perverse self aware way, as in I know I sound ridiculous and pretentious, i guess i don’t really understand an impulse to change the core tenets of a character irreparably in fanworks. We are shown that ice always goes by the books in TG. Then we are shown that he achieves the fruits of that labor (four stars) in TGM. So he is rewarded for never rebelling, whereas Maverick, who always rebels (but NEVER in a way that challenges his personal identity), has stagnated in the ranks at full-bird O-6. And that’s Ice’s character. That’s what he’s there for in the story—he’s a tool to show us the value system of rank and prestige you earn by following the rules of the Navy. Why take that away from him? That’s his priority! Canonically, that’s his priority and reason for existence! And historically the way to achieve that priority is through conservatism.

And you ask me if it’s hard to like my ice and mav. Yes, but that’s not my choice. The movie already did that for me. They are not, I’m sorry, likable people. I am not a straight white conservative male writing about straight white conservative men to validate my own beliefs—I’m a queer AFAB person of color writing about straight white conservative men because I want to understand the limits of their conservatism. What they do and do not care about, and what it takes to make them care. And from what we are shown in TG… ice and mav would not care about ME. At all. And they would not want to be forced to care about me. Ice’s casual careless dismissiveness… “the plaque for the alternates is down in the ladies’ room…” mav following Charlie into the bathroom… turning the key in the ignition and driving away while pretending not to hear her… “what?? i can’t hear you! 🙉” … they do not care. They have no desire to care.

Again. Maybe I subscribe to a very very old-school and labored and pretentious ideology when it comes to writing… I know a lot of people write just to have fun. I do not. I wish i could, but I don’t. And when you’re not writing to have fun, you don’t have to like the characters you’re writing about. They’re nothing more than tools at your disposal to get your point across more effectively. No, I don’t like them! Of course not! My ice is cruel and cowardly and careless and hypocritical and subservient and weak, and my mav is demanding and dangerous and dismissive and oblivious and so, so, so unbelievably bitter.

And that’s what my story needed, to get my point across. So, shrug. My point was my priority. I don’t care too much about the characters themselves.

Re: icemav & identity politics. Part of hopefully selling this story is the attempt at empathy for the conservative male, to bring this discussion back to the top. Why write fiction at all if you’re not going to write about people different from you, and why write about people different from you if you don’t want to understand them? So… part of trying to understand them was to understand and have empathy for this shift in priorities. Conservative guys do not want to care about labels, or sexual orientations, or, God forbid, discussion of their gender identities. I can kind of see Ice tolerating it by the end… but, there are limits. Again, it’s supposed to be private. I think he’d chafe against getting labeled gay—he wouldn’t want to be called the first gay compacflt, or SECNAV, etc. He can’t say, “i slept with like a hundred fifty women before I even MET the ONLY man ive ever slept with,” because that’s like intensely private personal information!! No one deserves that information, but people still want to call him gay, even though in his head he really is not!!!! Again—from the conservative perspective, it’s a public imposition of left-wing, overly sexualized, too-neat labels and politics onto an area of life that has typically been kept private and respectable—I don’t agree with the conservatism, but I can at least empathize with it. Pre-Maverick’s death (pre-coming to terms with it), it would’ve been shameful & embarrassing to him; but even after coming to terms with it, it’s still not something he “takes pride” in. I think he thinks of it like this—most people aren’t proud of being straight. Like, it’s weird if you are. Same thing with being proud of being white, etc. Why be excessively proud of things you have no control over? Why not take pride in your ACTIONS—for instance, his career that he has actively sacrificed so much of his pride for? I can really empathize with that thought. I don’t necessarily agree, but I get it, especially in his professional circumstances, where he has so much to be professionally proud of, and yet people keep wanting him to publicly care about this private part of him he has no control over and can’t change.

Maverick though. I think he’d be actively hostile about talking about it in public. He Does Not Care. he does not want to care. It’s all an insult. They call him the first openly gay Ace cause he’s married to another man— “okay, but, like, I’m not. Stop calling me that. Neither of us are. Oh my god we have slept with so many women. Stop calling us that.” Ok then what do you want us, the press corps, to call you? First openly bisexual Ace? “No that’s worse!! That’s a word some teenager made up and doesn’t mean anything!! I’m sixty years old stop asking me to talk about this stuff im too old.” What do you have to say to LGBT kids who want to go into the navy? “😎👍 there’s a place for you etc etc. Let’s go back to talking about all the planes I shot down.” Maverick does what he wants without thinking about it. That’s the core tenet of his character. Very conservative. Don’t ask him to care too much.

Idk. No I don’t like them. But I understand them, if that makes sense. Like their conservative anti-label logic does make emotional sense to me. So that’s part of what I took away from this project, for better or worse… probably worse: I understand why conservatives don’t like the modern over-publicity of sexuality. They don’t care and they don’t want to care. And because they are small-C conservative, my ice and mav still don’t care lol. So, yeah. It doesn’t make them hard to write, because thats why I wanted to write them in the first place.

#what does it say about me that i put myself in their shoes & understand their position #i don’t agree with it but I understand it #the annoyance and the bad optics and the over labeling of hard-to-label sexuality #being a gay republican has got to be the seventh circle of hell #note my ice and mav are not republicans #but also note my story would not change even one bit if they were #i don’t LIKE gay republicans because they’re republicans. but i can empathize with them cause that’s gotta fucking blow. #normie median biden voter ice #now I think if a kid came up to maverick at an airshow and was like… #sir im trans and I think I want to go into the navy to fly & you’re my hero… #he’d freak out like ‘omg that means so much to me actually thanks!! it might be difficult for u i won’t lie but we need more people who #can overcome adversity…omg let me set you up with this admiral i know… yes yes yes…’ #he doesn’t like the conceptual discussions but he likes the people if that makes sense #& he really likes people massaging his ego #i find them incredibly annoying. but that’s what character development is for. if u start out liking ur characters ur doing smth wrong #& if they weren’t incredibly annoying then i wouldn’t have a story to write. #pete maverick mitchell #tom iceman kazansky #icemav #top gun #top gun maverick #asks #edts notes #**obvious disclaimer this is just my interpretation!!!**

[ozdicaff]

I WROTE A LIL 800 WORD DRABBLE ABOUT GITM NOVA BUT IM. SO NERVOUS ABOUT PUBLISHING IT

Im not at all used to publishing my writing even though i write a bunch, usually i jus share it in dms or write it out as bullet point headcanons

#gahghhh god give me the courage to post it at least in the discord or smth #its a solo drabble too with no y/n so im jus like “will anyone even read this” #nova worms his way around my head and most of the time its with no yn bc i jus love himb nd everything he is GRHGRGR #cal cackles #not. trying to seem like im begging for encouragement but if any writer out there has tips for overcoming this anxiety id appreciate it GRGR #also when i do publish it #criticism is appreciated!! im still an aspiring writer and i wanna know what im doing wrong!

[sysig]

Pivotal bright spot (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #The Captain #Hhhhhh <3 #I am once again ''Who am I without you'' - ZEX relies on Zelnick to affirm who he himself is! His Captain is a huge comfort! #It's the codependency for me <3 #The way Zelnick comforts him is so sweet ;; He can be quite attentive! When he chooses to be hehe #He's hesitant and concerned but overcomes it to give ZEX what he needs in the moment ahh he's deserving of being a leader ♥ #Like covering his eye for him - and repeating back his greeting! ;;;; How many times has ZEX introduced himself that now it's repeated back #How many times has he said those exact words so confidently that Zelnick can repeat it back to him #So confident in his identity until it's all brought into question - too many pieces that align Just So to know one way or anything! #How would his human love know so many details - but such specific details are concerning as well! What's real and what's not! #What's experienced and what's mentally real - or false! There's so many tricky mental traps set agh it's so good <3 #It's so interesting how their character flaws interact with their self-assuredness hehe <3 Zelnick is brash and bold! #ZEX is careful and prideful - so which takes a harder hit in matters of the mind? ZEX is at a disadvantage in Max's body of course #Hghh there's so much about this scene that's so good tho ah #ZEX's worries of his own level of self-delusion bleeding out into accidentally telling lies - he's quite honest! Mostly ♪ #But here it's all just deep concern - not of Trying to manipulate but being so far gone that he can't Help but do so! Being out of control! #Of course that would be very scary for him :( And of lying to himself? The kind of thing that's wholly repulsive to him </3 #Ughhh this scene breaks my heart because they really love each other and ZEX wants him and needs him but I know what will happen ;; #At least they're able to give each other a bit of comfort in the moment - whether it's true or not (it is true haha) the contrast helps #Even in Max's body and even unsure of himself getting to hold his human - this human - feels real and right <3 #He's still worried afterwards of course - takes something convincing to pull him out of it! - and Zelnick continues to comfort him <3 #I love palm kisses as well ugh they're so sweet ;; <3 What a lovely way to show his solidarity! Hehe ♥

[angorwhosebabyisthis]

[pericky; a look into ricky's head during their meeting.]

---

"I'm glad you came, I wasn't sure you would." The wine pours, the sound of it drowning out the missing word in that sentence: back.

Of course, is the response, and the part of Ricky that's spent twenty years tearing itself apart to understand why vibrates with relief. It doesn't matter anymore. Of course, of course, he thinks giddily along with the words. He never needed to wonder why Pericles wasn't coming back in the first place; he was always going to.

I'm happy you invited me, and of course he thinks again. A lifetime of pretending he wasn't always going to either falls away. However harsh and lonely the world has been, all's right with it again; and the shy voice of the boy inside him that he's tried so hard to kill says, so quietly, I missed you.

#sdmi #scooby doo: mystery incorporated #pericky #ricky owens #professor pericles #anyway fucking end me actually. lay me down to die #i said i was gonna write more pericky and by fucking god i did #the 'why did you do this to me' to 'oh thank god you didn't actually do this to me' pipeline of abuse folks 🥲 #which like. their last conversation is yet another devastating example of ricky finally standing up to pericles' bullshit Too Late #ricky denounces him in the strongest terms he knows; based on his own feelings and opinions and the way he sees the world #(which: even then he can't bring himself to say 'i don't love you anymore') #(the closest he can get is 'i chose you and i can't take it back; the only way i can imagine not loving you is if i never had at all') #and pericles tries to go 'nyeh nyeh whatever i don't care' (and does a real bad job of pretending he is not obviously hurt lmao) #and ricky doesn't try to understand his logic; he doesn't try to reconcile a world where pericles didn't *really* mean to do anything wrong #his response is MAYBE YOU *SHOULD* CARE. #pericles' view of the world and what's right and acceptable are warped and *wrong* and he's the one who needs to get his shit together #'you shouldn't have abused me you shouldn't have killed cassidy you shouldn't have murdered a child in cold blood' #that is MASSIVE and i think it is really telling that pericles' response is to shut him down with force instead of trying to argue any more #and that in the end is the real true fucking tragedy of it all #ricky is making huge strides one after the other to take back his freedom from pericles emotionally #....and materially it makes no difference to improve his situation in the moment; because pericles doesn't have any less power to abuse him #he never has a triumphant moment where he Overcomes His Abuser and Breaks Out of His Control #there's nothing he can do to fight back until pericles is too Literally Dead to control him anymore #it is one of the rawest depictions of the reality of abuse i've ever seen and just. God. i love it so much #(at the same time i REALLY want to explore a version of events where he got the chance to expand further on that growth) #(the 'all witches are selfish; make all things yours; i have a duty' speech from the wee free men comes to mind) #whosebaby makes things #whosebaby writes #SDMItag #dyn: when i die i want you to die too

[banqanas]

i am a banana in stem that has a passion for language but not that eloquent in english, so im never confident in translating songs

But at the very least pls let my feelings come across!!!!!!!!!! *sends my feelings through the screen like a kamehameha beam*

#banantxt #lyrics can always make me cry #but i can never feel as emotional with my own translations for it #so i feel like i can never do lyric translation justice #thats why i dont really do lyric translations #but songs like pinky swear (psyfe) or its all good (fanta) has such beautiful lyrics #that gave me strength to overcome my own anxiety about translating song #and thats what art is isnt it #having the power to emotionally move someone into making something of their own #i have seen very good translations that made me cry too so despite the language difference i know its possible #lately i keep finding songs that made me go ‘ah i wanna translate this and dissect the lyrics even more’ #me @ me lets ganbanana!!!!!!

[icewindandboringhorror]

finally settling once and for all... with the evidence laid out plainly.. which of these brother boys is more stinkys ,,,

#also please for the love of gourd do not take this seriously i am joking I do not hold any of these behaviors against my cats I know that #all cats are a little stinky and weird I have had cats all of my life I am not genuinely condemning my cats i am being silly please lol #(some of my goofy cat posts in the past will always get like.. one or two people taking an issue with something incredibly #mundane. like me saying a cat is being rude or somehting and someone being like 'um actually cats cant process the concept of #rudeness. he has no idea he did anything wrong!' ........ yes...... i am aware.. that my cat has the brain of a cat lol #ANYWAY.... polls!!! so excited to have polls.. I will try not to be annoyig but I just love asking random things to the general #public. in friend groups I am always the one asking people to taking surveys. quizzes. making surveys and handing them out. etc. #the rare times I can partially overcome my social anhedonia/inability to socially function properly/etc. is when I'm interviewing people or #socializing specifically in the context of like Information Gathering lol #I love running questionairres and stuff . even about the most mundane pointless topics. there's just soemthing really interesting #about like....... being able to ask people stuff and then look at and analyze the results. #Even though that's an incredibly simple average thing. idk.. my brain loves information even if it's pointless silly information. #I Just Think It's Neat. I have so so sos os oso many ideas but I wanted to make the first poll about my cats #of course because I'm also obsessed with them lol. I was thinking of taking some of the pictures of them in front of a blank #canvas and doing a poll of 'what are they painting?' or 'what should they paint?' but I decided to go with babey crimes #for now. inspired by various baby crimes committed just this morning. Fresh on my mind.. #I wish they had a middle option though between '1 day' and '1 week'. I think a week is too long for a poll like this but also #one day is not long enough because I dont really have THAT many active followers. if it was just a day it would probably reach like 5 poepl #people. I want to at least be able to reblog it a few times maybe. lol #I think 3-4 days would be ideal. Its a new feature though. I'm sure they'll modify things as time goes on. #Still feeling sick and bad and weird and not being that productive at all generally but... I have just enough energy stores.. #using up every ounce of my power to make a goofy poll... a worthy sacrifice....

[ipatrichor]

actually i think one of the things in outsiders that really fucked me up was one of owen's turns of phrase

when magic tricks him and goes into the maze alone, only surviving because he figures out what happened quick enough to follow & rescue her, he tells her that he's never going to stop coming after her (to make sure she's safe, to protect her)

and then after owen's gotten his memories back, he tells apo that he's never going to stop coming after him (to hunt him down, to kill him)

#i am never going to be normal about phrases being repeated with a different meaning #and i think this one especially fucks me up because it really hammers home the difference between owen at his core #(wanting to keep people safe. living to protect. loving his friends so so much hed do anything to keep them alive & happy) #and the person he became as a result of the trauma he experienced and the actions he took and life he led because if it #i think the real tragedy of this character lies in that we see who he couldve been!!! he was Good and he loved so much & tried so hard #but he lost his support system (mostly apo but also rasbi + graecie) and just. never quite learned to trust/rely on the others #because he believed what angel said- he can't show them weakness. theyre counting on him so he has to stay strong for them no matter what #i fully believe that if things had been different he could have overcome his past after remembering. if that support system had been built #i think he wouldve had a chance at least. #and thats the tragedy. he was so caught up in being their rock that they didnt know how to love him and he didnt know how to let them #after apo and angel he didnt let anyone in enough that they couldve changed his mind #so of course no one could save him. he would never have let them #anyway this smp fucked me up real bad. i think it did something to my brain pathways i think theyre realigned #pat.txt

[quietwingsinthesky]

thinks about child-but-growing-fast amara and lucifer in the same room and gets ill.

#im gonna get called a homestuck again im SORRY its a good trope #she’s not his mom but she is. older than him and older than god and a being he helped imprison. #and the effects of that. here and now. are that she is so weak she has to relearn how to exist. #that she has to eat souls. tear them out one by one. you have to imagine that lucifer once saw her devour whole galaxies on a whim. #back when everything was moving in constant flux between destruction and creation. you have to imagine. #what is it to see her like this. is it pitiable. awful. comforting because she can’t hurt him right now and if he struck first maybe she #never could? #would he think about this moment this experience later when he’s made human. when he experiences a similar powerlessness. #anyway. lucifer gets out of the cage and trashes crowley’s place to kidnap his aunt-who-is-baby-right-now #u know me i love when characters go on the run together. what a weird little bond they’d form. #how do you overcome the anger at someone who helped cage you for eternity? does it help to know he didn’t escape your fate just because he #helped seal it when it was you? do you think they trade cage stories. #do you think lucifer tells her about how michael is still trapped in there and when he goes quiet. it’s not him who says he’s glad michael #knows what it’s like. it’s amara who says it. with an anger older than time. bitter enough to sting. #arms curled around herself because she’s hungry now. always hungry. tries not to think about what lucifer would taste like. (powerful) #sitting on a bench together watching people (souls. meals.) walk by. talking about prisons. talking about justice. maybe. or revenge. same #thing. and amara is leaning against him coiled tight through every muscle in her body and so so hungry. and when she says she’s glad michael #is suffering she isn’t really talking about him. but when she says it. lucifer lets out a breath. and says. me too. #and then he goes to find her something(one) to eat. #u see my vision. u do.

[brother-emperors]

locking in a final design for publius (I’ve redesigned him. like, five times now) because I have a comic I want to draw and publius has to be in it

(the comic is antony becoming increasingly haunted by cassius, publius, and crassus during antony's parthian war until it's a full blow horror nightmare sequence)

society6 | ko-fi | redbubble | twitter | deviantart

#this is basically my old old OLD brutus design but who cares it's not like i was using it for brutus anyway #the important thing is that the final road block for this idea has been overcome #antony going to talk to some of his men but when the figures turn around it's cassius and publius #honestly the cassius-publius visual parallels for this are doing wonders for me. the removal of necks from heads? nice #and constantly out of the corner of his eye: there's crassus' wandering shade!! #(thank you for this lucan I owe you my life) #and all of it escalates until its no longer confined to dreams and that blurry haze when waking up: its Every Waking Moment #antony cant escape it!!! and finally it will end with an absolutely nightmarish reconstruction of events like a play in honor of some fun #crassus texts ive read #(what inspired this? well. if you must know. i was playing thief. the original games not thief 4) #(those games honestly have levels that are scarier than actual genre horror games god bless) #publius licinius crassus #roman republic tag #drawing tag

[thehoax]

think i’m having chest convulsions and breathing really hard cause i saw some young Henry cavill clips unprovoked?? and the thing i saw right after was of an apartment in london. What the fuck?? I don’t know what this says about me

#amber rambles #i do not know what has happened to me these days #i feel entirely overcome with longing my organs are profused with LOVE and it should NOT be like this #je deteste ça ici 💗

[mars-ipan]

man. strangers you don’t know but have heard stories about are wild

#marzi speaks #my brother has 3 roommates right #i’ve never met any of ‘em #but i’ve heard stories about them and they’ve heard stories about me #they all have a solid case of young adult man syndrome. aka casual bigotry and self hatred that they’re hopefully working through #and i am an incredibly queer person with radical values #so they think i’m crazy. and i want to meet them So Badly #bc 1. i don’t scare a lot of people. i am harmless. i want a power trip #and 2. one of the best ways to teach people to overcome bias is to introduce them to the ‘enemy’ and have them realize they’re actually- #-super chill people who don’t mean any harm #but i just found out. a few hours ago. courtesy of my brother #that one of them has made jokes along the lines of #‘if your sister comes around let me know i’ll defend us’ #and MAKING A HAND MOTION LIKE HE IS HOLDING A METAL PIPE WITH WHICH TO ATTACK ME????? #so now like. NEW FEELINGS #1. holy shit i’m scary enough to this dude to be considered a physical threat??? it is gonna be SO funny when i meet him #2. BRO WHAT THE FUCK????? #like man. my brother’s going thru some self confidence shit so i’m not really mad at him but BRO. DEFEND MY HONOR A LITTLE BIT MAN??? #anyways. i do not think my brother would introduce me to someone who would follow through on that threat #so! i’m still excited to meet them :3 #i might wear my leather jacket + doc martens though. gonna be so queer #maybe bring the army hat as an olive branch lmao. but i’m gonna keep it lighthearted in general

[made-nondescript]

sometimes i go a little bit insane thinking about the towns of early western america and how many just aren’t there anymore people’s whole lives washed away by sand and sun with nothing but dry, old wood and stone foundations and mines, now empty, to prove they’d ever been there.

sometimes i go a bit nuts thinking about all the cemeteries no one has visited in decades because they are miles from any development, now. wooden headstones reduced to kindling and the stone ones worn down so far that you’re lucky to make out a single letter. fences that have long since stopped serving their purpose.

places built to be temporary but even still were at one point were full of people’s friends and family and hope. i don’t know. a little crazy about it rn

#every time i think about cowboys i am like overcome with. i don't even know #something about how the media has given them so much more credit than they deserve but also by doing so obscured their genuine role #the diminished importance of the miner whos life often ended violently and abruptly #the hundreds of ancedotes we will never be privy to #standing in what is essentially the living corpse of something that once was.... #am i even making sense #i dont know #this was brought on bc i was thinking about tumble town. again. #i never have anything interesting to say about tumble town but its a wonderful catalyst for me losing my mind over ghost towns #i get to bring up the highwayman as a little treat. to myself. bc the highwayman is SUCH a good western au fic #i'm not an expert. NOR am i going to hold the highwayman up as a paragon of historical accuracy bc that's just not what its aiming for #nor should it have to #but it is so much more grounded than a lot of western fics. it is so atmospheric and at least to me it captured the vibe #of being out in that kind of enviroment SO well #LIKE! i don't even know how to describe it. just vibes!!!! #it reminded me of what it was like standing in one of those old towns. the way things were laid out and everything. idk! i like the highwaym #have i made that clear LOL #ANYWAY! #this post that is only tangentially related to the blog's subject is sponsored by the dutch bros drink i ALSO got myself as a treat!

[itspileofgoodthings]

I love being surprised by good things in life but in order to be surprised by things you have to have let all specific expectations of receiving them go free which is hard to do when you KNOW that there are good things and you love being surprised by them. Hard not to crane your neck to get a better look at them in advance though doing it spoils the whole thing.

#I am really good at being surprised and also really terrible at it #I am really good at it because I am oblivious sometimes and stuck deeply in my own head/whatever has my attention #and then good things will spring out at me and I’ll be so astonished and then joyful #and then I’m really bad at it because I will look too hard for it/be overly aware/expect too much #I guess it’s hard because my total obliviousness is something that I lose more and more as I get older #and good things DO happen to me and I have experience of them and start to form ideas #whereas when I was younger the first time I really had an experience of love or beauty I was totally unprepared for it #and so completely flooded and filled by it #Like. There are moments I remember where someone would hug me or smile at me or say something kind and I was just Overcome by it all #but that does fade with time and understanding #but maybe there’s still a way of keeping some of it if you don’t let specific expectations take too strong a hold of you #And just keep taking what you’re given every day and letting things unfold #Except then it’s more like you start being surprised (in a good way) by the pattern of things #not just a moment anymore #but a bigger view of the picture #and the surprise doesn’t come from not knowing about good things but about not demanding them #Or looking for them too much #But just trusting and attending mostly to the present moment #Anyway! These hands etc. etc. #also ‘give us this day our daily bread’ I mean !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! #anyway I love being surprised by good things more than I love anything. It’s my favorite way to experience joy #so I’ve absolutely had moments where I’ve ruined it by over-expectation #making a lot of posts these days thank you for reading. It’s the season I guess!