#I’m going full time next semester (the thing that. yknow. made me suicidal the first time) and winter break doesn’t seem like a reprieve

[victory-cookies]

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#vent #i really thought I was doing better #I’d been feeling ok. Not good but ok. #and now I’m back in my fucking rut #I had a panic attack last night #and I’ve spent most of today either crying or stuck in executive dysfunction #and I haven’t studied nearly enough for my math final and I hate myself for it #I feel useless #and I’m stuck sitting here knowing that even if I get through this it’s only gonna get worse! #I’m going full time next semester (the thing that. yknow. made me suicidal the first time) and winter break doesn’t seem like a reprieve #only a delay of the inevitable #and it doesn’t even feel like Christmas anyway so what’s the fucking point #I’m a worthless idiot who probably isn’t gonna fail math but is gonna do just poorly enough that it’s embarrassing to be struggling so much #why do I want to die. I have an 80. I probably won’t fail the class #but I’m not doing bad enough to justify the way I feel and that makes it even worse #anyway sorry for venting I’m gonna go try to cbt myself into not being depressed #I just needed to get things off my chest #See y’all in a couple days