#I've been sobbing for the past hour

[jazzkrebber]

we're never gonna get them on screen

#I've been sobbing for the past hour #I need my crows back #why did netflix have to do this to us #shadow and bone cancelled #soc spinoff cancelled #zoyalai #netflix #shadow and bone #six of crows #grishaverse #crooked kingdom #ruin and rising #siege and storm #wylan hendriks #jesper fahey #wylan van eck #wesper #kaz brekker #kanej #inej ghafa #nina zenik #matthias helvar #helnik #leigh bardugo

[icewindandboringhorror]

There's always a slight yearning in the back of my mind wishing I had been born in the right place, time, family situation, income level, etc. to have just lived in one single house for my entire life. Imagine being born in a place that still suits you, even through all of your personal evolutions and etc. The idea of deep familiarity with an area because you've lived and explored it for 40+ years, being encased in a web of memories and connections. Being able to clean out your old childhood bedroom and find personal artifacts, to dig in the yard and remember. I know those lives can still be plenty imperfect, but there's just something so seemingly solid and stable and Grounding about it that I sometimes wish I could have.. (At least from my outside perspective as someone who's moved around a bit geographically and even within the same area, never lives in the same house/ apartment /etc. for more than a few years usually.) Like... having a place that is printed upon, fully your own, rather than chronically a visitor, every thought of a space always tempered with the notion that one day soon you'll have to pack it all up again, etc. There's something peaceful about the permanence.

#I think also because I'm a very nostalgic person - THOUGH not in the way that somep poeple mean when they say nostalgia because I've realiz #ed that to some people apparently it means like.. more of a sad emotional thing? Or when I talk about being nostalgic they say 'me too' and #then describe how they're always depressed dwelling on the past wishing they could revisit it and replaying it and feeling sad and etc. #Whereas for me - it's not in a deep or emotional way at all. It's very detached - kind of like someone who is doing like a scientific #cataloguing of something? I don't feel any remorse or sadness or longing or sitting there sobbing for hours over people/pets I've lost or #etc. It's more like a fun contemplative excercise and extension of self analysis plus just documentation. Like I know your memory fades as #you get older OR even as stuff is actively ongoing humans have terrible recall - even the ones who are less emotional/more focused on #accuracy our minds still twist things or etc. SO I looove to have documentations of everything possible so that in the future I will have #as full and complete of a view of myself as I possibly can. sure the image will undoubtedly be a little distorted but having real evidence #of how something was at a time is very valuable. You look through old messages or letters or something and you always find other alternate #versions of yourself. Not in a worse way like inherently inferior Previous Models Of You who haven't yet been perfected but even just in a #neutral way like 'what they're saying is not a BAd thing but also is not how I would say that today.' etc. ANYWAY I find it really interest #ing to document and remember things and love revisiting the past - not in a sad way - but just like. curiosity. reminiscing and recalling #and filling in gaps. or trying to have the same feeling I felt at a previous time so I can remember what it was. Collecting information for #documentation purposes. Like for example - I would love to go back and tour all of my old childhood houses/apartments. Not to like #sit in the middleof them and cry and go 'ohhh my childhood waughhh' - but literally because I want to take detailed photographs so I #can remeber exatly what they looked like and recreate them in sims or some other digital way. Why? idk. just to gather the information. If #I ever live to like 80 years old and I'm still reflecting on my life curious about the dteails of it. I want to be able to fire up my #ancient windows 10 laptop I've kept all these years and open up the sims 4 and tour my old home with accuracy etc. ?? #Not sure why really. Maybe an extension of how I generally care a lot about having an 'accurate' view of things? Like I would rather be #accurate than be happy. I don't understand 'ignorance is bliss' because I would always rather know. I always always in any situation am mor #focused on 'what is the well researched practical truth' than about 'how does this make me feel' or etc. Truth above ALL else even if it #were to make me miserable. Aka why I'm a 'boring' 'annoying' 'UM actually..' type of killjoy lol because it's very hard for me to understan #that some people can enjoy something or have a good time even not knowing the full facts of a situation or etc. BUT anyway. since that is #some core driver of my personality for whatever reason (just the plague of ennegram type 5 perhaps lol) maybe that also drives me to my #kind of minor obsession with like 'I must have a complete view and calatoguing of my life that is as accurate as possible within the means #i have' . Is it REALLY important for me to know the exact layout of on of my first childhood bedrooms? no. materially it does nothing for m #in life. BUT hey. it would make a great addition to the Accurate Life Story Catalogue lol. ANYWAY.. But I think a lot of wanting to live in #one place forever is not just the ease of documentation. but the sense of having a constant. Much of what i crave most in life is stability #& familiarity &routine bc of how my brain works. And it just would feel so good to be Settled. Never uproot again. One little place FOREVER

[kanonavi]

I am once again tagged by @radellama, thanks a bunch!

~

Last Song: Song of the Ancients / Fate, by Keiichi Okabe

Currently Watching: Still Trigun (1998), I am unfortunately too busy to watch much else (Though I do sometimes think about how much I want to rewatch TGCF season 2....)

Three Ships: Xiao/Venti, Feng Xin/Mu Qing, Minamoto Kou/Mitsuba Sousuke

Favorite Color: Still cobalt!

Currently Consuming: Nothing at the moment, last thing was some chai tea. Now I'm thinking about grilled cheese again tho...

First Ship: Leo/Takumi from Fire Emblem: Fates

Relationship Status: Unfortunately, no

Last Movie: I genuinely don't remember... It was either Spirited Away or a combined Megamind/How to Train Your Dragon movie night

Currently Working On: A lot of my current angst is actually over the fact that I'm too deep in the schoolwork trenches to actually work on any of my own personal creative projects. But, my other project besides the Genshin Poetry Gala fic that I've been working on for months now is a TGCF essay about how the main couple are representative of the story's main themes. They make my brain explode <3

~

Tagging: @hollyisanonymous, @rubberbandballqueen, @tempests-bards-and-birds, @sl33pyr3v3ri3, @stardustdiiving, @h4msanta

#tag game #I think I'm gonna just let tag game be its own tag now lol #I haven't actually been listening to much music for the past two days #I've been on more of a talking audio kick if anything at all #As for the ships aside from the obvious I ended up putting feng//qing because I cannot see myself writing hua//lian fic #Cuz the books have everything I need from them lmao #But for those two bozos? There's a reason why my roommate and I have spent hours talking about all the stupid gay shenanigans they could ha #And kou//tsuba is just because I caught up on js//hk recently and they are still destroying my heart (sob) #I can't wait until school is done so I can get back to being creative #That's what will fix me I'm not even joking lmaooo #Thanks for the tag these are always fun!! (even though it was a little similar to the last one with some of the prompts lolol)

[totally-original-artist]

Avi have you seen the last hnk chapter? Got me starting at the wall at 7:00

I JUST READ IT!!! I've been putting off reading it after 100 and I just binged it and

I completely forgot abt the manga ngl, thx for reminding me walp

#ask #walp #like...i'm happy for phos bc they're finally with a group of people(or rocks ig) who want to be their friend and don't expect anything in #return or have ulterior motives but #phos... #they really ship of theseus'd my guy and he still made it...but like??? #I FEEL SO CONFLICTED #ON ONE HAND: Phos is alive and thriving 👍 #ON THE OTHER HAND: Phos fucking DIED #smt smt philosophy about soul fragments smt smt smt despite everything it's still you or smt #and the fact that they keep breaking down into smaller pieces but this time no one tells them that it's a bad thing instead that #it's just the way they are and that's ok AND IM NOT NORMAL #AND THE WHOLE THING WITH THE FLOWER UNIVERSES??? #How when phos broke the tiny fragments got into the flower's gem thingies which pitapat said hosted universes of their own and how these #phos fragments in them are like comets and the innocent phos in the the grass watching the comet (WHICH IS PHOS) and #and....sob #I'm probably making zero sense lmao #I've been alternating between rolling around in my bed and typing out this mess for the past hour #hnk #hnk spoilers #hnk chapter 108 #“I feel light. So so light.” #the noises I made after reading that were not human

[nulltune]

ccc translations are so hard to find and i can only ever find crumbs BUT HELLO TODAY I STRUCK GOLD AND FOUND OUT A HAKUNO LINE FROM THE CCC TRUE ROUTE AND LIKE .

Even if I forget about myself, I want to forever remember the person who touched my heart.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA?????!!!!!!!!!!!!!

#&&. out of #i've been screaming and crying over this line for the past hour btw ITS BOGGLING MY MIND????? #identity is so important to her so this says A LOTT THIS IS SOO 🥺🥺🥺😵😵🥹🥹🥹🥹 #H.AKUNO ALWAYS HAS THE MOST HEARTWARMING LINES ISTG 😭😭😭🙏🙏👍👍 #not 2 mention she tends to speak realistically so saying smth like 'forever' is just -clenches my fist- #IT RLLY MEANS A LOT AND MY JAW IS ON DA GROUND #*sobs in a rlly ugly way* I Love H.akuno K.ishinami ........... So much

[hopepetal]

don't talk to me I'm grieving (<- just finished lotr after avoiding it for 18 years)

#zera rambles #SOBS #WAILS #my friends HATE me #I've really just been sobbing on and off for the past four hours

[clairelutra]

the problem with your mom barely surviving cancer is when you try to pick up a book and the book tells you that cancer is the one great ill that kills everyone it touches no matter what, especially moms :/

#aka i've been sobbing off and on for the past two hours and still feel very very bad #hallie speaks #cancer tw #vent // #that's a dnf for me #the book is young wizards book 5-6 if anyone else needs the heads up

[abba-enthusiast]

so what if i watched the dance scene from mac finds his pride eight times in a row. some people do that to cope

#i've had a glass of wine and i've been full on sobbing for the past half hour lmfao #it's just. The scene of all time #also i'm stressed but not stressed enough to have a like genuine breakdown (yet. lmao) so now i gotta find other ways to make myself cry #and release some of that tension #and it's working like a charm babey

[theinfinitedivides]

Azad got the fainting thing from his mom it seems

#film: jawan #jawan #shah rukh khan #srk #vijay sethupathi #nayanthara #sanya malhotra #priyamani #deepika padukone #bollywood #local gay watches Bollywood.txt #local gay watches Jawan (and spends the entire time filing the various SRK avatars into new DILF categories).txt #i have to make jokes about it bc i've been stuck at the frame where she takes his hand in hers and kisses it before she leaves #to be executed for over an hour. physically could not move past that so instead of sobbing again when he faints after seeing #her body i remembered she fainted when the execution had originally be scheduled so someone had to faint this time around #don't think it worked though i just made myself sadder

[quick-drawn-a]

i know y’all are gonna say i don’t owe you anything,      but i would like to apologize for my absence at least one last time.

          i’m falling behind here.

     and not only here, but on discord and IM’s as well. i do intend to catch up on all of these things, so bear with me while i dust off my keyboard a little bit.

#✯ — нorѕeѕ ιn тнe вacĸ × [ ooc ] #death mention #throughout the tags but #the tl;dr of the sob story is my grandma died last night. #no worries — i'm fine. #but she's sorta been on the decline for the past month or so. #which is why i've been so sparse here and on discord. #just been trying to do my part in taking care of her and grandpa — making sure my parents are good. etc. #on top of working the usual 50+ hours at work. #there won't be a funeral or anything but i do have the week off so that's nice. #i'll still be over there a few days throughout the week for support — but otherwise we'll see what i can get done around here ! #and for real catching up on discord messages. #just — forgive me. my headspace has been...in space for a while now. #been trying to gather the spoons. #so i still make no promises but !! #tbd #ask to tag

[bluewlnteroses]

#my baby #will i love you so much #im so sad #noah you didn't have to say all of that i've been sobbing for the past hour #will byers #byler

[murderballadeer]

#don't even look at me i've been sobbing bc of this song for the past hour #soapbox #how can i keep from singing #Spotify

[noxtivagus]

i'm out rn hehe

#🌙.rambles #JUST WATCHED A MOVIE W MY FAMILY #maybe i'll ramble abt that later n other stuff too #i'll check the gbf stream later but i see a new chara of erin n #grand michael n charlotta aaaa 🥺🫶🏼 #merry christmas eve.. wahh it really doesn't feel like christmas season this time around :<< #the year ends in like.. less than a week now? #strange. 2023 flew by so quick #i have a lot to look forward to next year but it'll be hard sob with having to prepare more for the future #i have to do a lot better. i'll fix myself #i really don't know what to write anymore #i want to give my friends like. personalized christmas gifts but i have nothing at all n it's already the day in a few hours #i'm quite at a loss as to what to do #for the past month ever since like. november actually #i've been feeling way more empty n lonely #even right now i'm just sitting down waiting bcs we're gna eat dinner in a bit or smth #out in the city #i. don't want to go all poetic abt it rn idk but #this feeling just. i can't really place my.. words on it i suppose but #it's loneliness. a certain emptiness i know well as loneliness #it's suffocating it's a certain warmth that isn't.. exactly warm it's not comforting #i feel as empty as the night sky i see tonight is devoid of stars #the moon nowhere in sight #i don't mean to be so negative but.. #i want to write it down. not for any particular reason. writing in any way anywhere just keeps me grounded #oh man i really really can't feel the christmas spirit this year #it just. feels rather empty. but your light gives me warmth #your words earlier 🥹 i rmber how warm n happy they made me #lilies. garden. moon. everything. i really want to write a letter to all my friends as a christmas gift aaaa but it's alrdy nearly tmrrw >< #maybe new year!!!! oh man it rlly feels like i'm chasing time there's so much i want to do. i'll do my best

[no-i-cant-decide]

.

#would be cool if i could figure out how not to completely break down crying when i'm upset and overwhelmed #instead i had to ask my boss if i could leave work for a bit because i've been struggling to keep myself from sobbing for the past hour #i'm so fucking embarrassed #wish i could just go home and curl up in bed until tomorrow #things won't be any different or easier then i just don't want to deal with it right now

[thisisadecisionimayregret]

hm.

#delete later #had for various reasons a huge anxiety attack yesterday and kept digging my nails into one of my thumbs in #what i should probably admit is self harm #uh #self harm tw #and i didnt bleed like i had wanted to at the time but i did still manage to fuck up my skin there and #now here i am with Consequences of My Actions and trying to do what i need to do today is very daunting when my thumb hurts like this #its been rough since yesterday when the anxiety attack happened. i've slept like. 12 hours and still feel alternately tired and stressed #i just. ugh. one moment youre going to an art museum and then before you know it youre sobbing in the museum bathroom #having done sth you said you'd never do again Years ago. and yeah it wasnt as serious an action as it had been years ago #(which. if we're being honest. the fact it wasnt 'as serious' and could be passed off as not being a conscious action is part of #why i didn't stop myself sooner) #but it still hurts and it still feels like such a loss of progress and healing i've done for so long #and now we're pretending everything is Fine cause i dont want to upset my roommate with this or make them like. feel guilty or anything #and i want to move past how last night went for me and how awful my first trip to that museum was and guess what #my stupid actions means my thumb is right there hurting and reminding me of everything that went wrong. #anyway. i think the next museum trip i make will be made on my own #samantha talks

[confinesofmy]

just finished my flowerbed weekend project. 😮‍💨 i've still gotta put some taller plants in the back and i'm thinking about some sort of shallow-root groundcover in between the ones i just put in, but i've installed sandstone pavers, got the vincas planted and edged the bed again, so it's looking like i'm gonna have an absolutely bangin' flowerbed in a couple months. it's fucking spring y'all!!!

#the weeding.... god almighty the fucking weeding... #about a day and a half was spent just getting the bed back to a clean slate #girls will spend 12 dollars on a couple of six packs of flowers and then dedicate 20 hours to making a nice place to plant them #adam talks too much #also i've been having a mental fucking breakdown for the past week so i'm just like #*finishing sewing project* *sobbing & screaming* *hanging clothes on the line* *biting my hand to suppress screams* *gardening* *wailing* #wild