#SO YOU CANT BLAME MEEEEEEEE

[lovebytheday-blog1]

Wednesday 02.12.2019 I am not okay

booze cruise was stressful, princess leia was bad, and i think i have to finally accept that I have a temper. 

if i read this in the future i will probably laugh because honestly who cares about a booze cruise?!

I am the common denominator in all my broken relationships. I worry I get angry too easily. Yikes. 

I’m working this weekend for JPW. I’m not sure why. I guess I need to distract myself. I need the money. Everything is a major yikes. Ugg. Fuck me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I’m so lonely and I hate myself and I have work to do and I don’t think I would have felt this way at this point in the semester. 

Even when i finish writing, when im not in the mood to rant, i just want to be sad . I just want to mull over my feelings. Is that okay? Just write until I’m okay? Does that happen?  I don’t think  ever thought I would feel like this. I had a fun time drinking on Saturday, tho Andrea did get a little too drunk for her own good. She also propositioned me. I was like yikes. She blacked out, when I told her in real life she’s like what I say drunk isn’t a lie, I just wouldn’t say it sober because that would ruin everything. i didn’t realize the implications of that until a day later. oh my god. And we’re getting everything waxed on thursday together, just for fun. and friday a performance. saturday i work, sunday i work. then next week should also be a relatively light week hopefully? idk. i have this gigantic 7 page thing for mergers and acquisitions due wednesday a long with a presentation but sleazy kevin is in my class so I really want to do a good job, but i already know my nerves will have me all fucked up. god, please help me. it’s the day of our lourdes lady or something. i went to the grotto because my mom asked me for that. oh yeah, i went to spanish mass yesterday for the first time in a while a few years freshman year. it was nice. i sat between andrea and leslie. near carlos. his new girl princess leia is so mean to me. and im mean to her. its not healthy. jesus christ. maybe its cuz i keep jerking it. i dont drink that much. idk. theres no cause to why im like this. i would stop anything at all for me to be happy. 

im starting to think its because ive cut out anything negative ever. maybe i need to add things. Idk. idk idk idk. maybe i need to stop blaming eveyrhting else , because i do that a lot. but arent i blaming myself when i blame the things i do? idk. i have the discipline. maybe i just dont have the motivation .is this sadness, is this hating yourself, maybe im blaming depression too for nothign that it does to me?

do i really deserve anything i do? why am i asking that question, im mad, not sad. idk. nat u good? bitch u think i know hahaha. idk. my room is surprsingly not messy. its not clean.

i dare myself to fix myself. Stop talking. bitch stop fucking talking, i promise you all yoru problems will go away. delete those tweets. slowly but surely. and you have your life planned out. you get some money this weekend. you dont need to bring back toxic people but how did you cut them off so cleanly? i dont know. am i crazy? i can’t be. what the fuck is bipolar disorder? that cant be me. i dont have depression or anything?  its just me being sad while in south bend? cuz i was fine at home. right? i will be fine again. idk. i wish i just had someone to rely on. do i really not? am i my own? i guess time to be religious again. but i am? do i need to go to confession? god? yikes, im not sure if im okay. hellllllp. lol. someone will read this and think im crazy. no, my humour is just a little fucked. :/ please don’t read this diary. this is a tumblr, not a diary! kajdgklajd;lkgj ad;kgj ;afkg yiekls yikes yikes yikes yikes fuck meeEEEEEe maybe thursday’s pain will help me!

#me #diary #myself #journal #daily #hate #no #bad