#THIS IS AMAZING FUCKING NEWS LIKE IT SUCKS TO HAVE LUPUS BUT I THOUGHT ALL MY SCREENS WERE NEGATIVE

[crimeronan]

I TESTED POSITIVE FOR LUPUS ANTIBODIES

#THIS IS AMAZING FUCKING NEWS LIKE IT SUCKS TO HAVE LUPUS BUT I THOUGHT ALL MY SCREENS WERE NEGATIVE #TURNS OUT THEY JUST HADNT PROCESSED ALL OF THE RESULTS YET #I CAN GET REAL EMERGENCY MEDICAL CARE AND GET ON MAINTENANCE MEDICATION NOW #the specific antibody is generally either for lupus or mixed connective tissue disease or systemic sclerosis or a combo #my result was 80x the lowest normal range 10x the highest normal range. #because it's not 100% conclusive i'll have to see what diagnosis the rheumatologist gives me but regardless #this means i've tested positive for systemic disease and that steroid treatment makes the most sense regardless of my specific diagnosis #AAAAAAAAAAAA I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA PASS OUT I'M SO EXCITED AND RELIEVED #i've really felt like i'm gonna die. like really really really.... #autoimmune tag

[nerdyclumsywriter-blog]

What REALLY sucks about depression...

So, I am suffering from depression. I still get my daily errands done, I job hunt, I write my fiction stories and I am extremely depressed. What bothers me about depression is that you are never the only casualty, it affects everyone you interact with.

My fiance, Dan, and I have been together since December 13th, 2014. (1) No, we don’t have a wedding date set. (2) No we don’t want children right now. (3) You’re annoying.

Anyways, he is the best man that I have ever known..next to my amazing grandfather who passed in 2010. Dan is a nerd like me, he has far superior gaming skills than I do, he’s funny, he’s highly intelligent, he teaches me something new every single day, he is a hilariously terrible liar, when he realized that being a lawyer for the rest of his life was not what he wanted he started his own small dog walking business. Now he loves his job and that’s what’s really important. We poke fun at each other but when we have a legitimate argument, we are able to just take a breath and talk it through. He is my everything. He is the reason I wake up in the morning.

On the unfair side of things, my depression doesn’t spare him either. He helps me as much as possible. He holds me when I cry, he hugs and kisses me to cheer me up, he cuddles with me so I feel comfortable and he compliments me on an hourly basis. (He has always done these amazing things.) I don’t know how I got so incredibly fucking lucky. 

Unfortunately, while I’m depressed, I tend to lash out at him. I have a lot of pressure at home. I take care of my mother who has Systemic Lupus but she is the absolute best. I also care for my grandmother who is vindictive, bitter, selfish and a narcissist. My sister is moving out with my nephew soon which I am happy about but that also means I get less help with errands and chores. My brother has an anger problem so no one in my family asks him to do anything because they don’t want to deal with him being a dick. So everything is up to me, as usual.

On top of that, I am looking for a second job or a full time job to leave my current job which is only giving me one day of work a week. Dan and I also want to move into our own place, but I have trouble affording groceries so moving is out of the question right now. Since Dan walks dogs from 7 or 8am til 4 or 5pm and that doesn’t include last minute walks on request, dog sitting jobs or cat sitting jobs. So I am the only one looking for apartments. I am looking for apartments that I can’t afford by myself while taking care of family members, working part time and job hunting full time. Did I mention my grandmother complains 24/7 and blames me for things that I have absolutely nothing to do with?

All of these pressures, topped with a more than healthy portion of severe anxiety and there you have it.....Me. I made a therapy appointment but I am not too convinced it will help. I had been to a therapist for an eating disorder I had in 2010. i ended up taking on the disease myself and I am proud to say I have been absolutely fine. In fact, I had a pint of Ben and Jerry’s last night...and a half pint about an hour ago. Don’t judge. Shut up.

Anyway, Dan unfortunately receives the brunt of my resentment and anger even though he has nothing to do with any of my problems. Like I said, therapy didn’t work out so well last time. I went to three sessions. After initially meeting her, I told her I was a babysitter and she asked if I could watch her daughter and she would pay me. I was young and dumb and I needed the money. From then on, she decided to assume that every time I came in for a session, I would watch her daughter afterward. I went to three sessions and then stopped, for obvious reasons.

I am willing to at least try again. I need to get rid of these negative thoughts and emotions. We’ll see and I’ll keep you posted!