#They call me mr autism the way that its actually a disability and not silly goofy special interests | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

willowlillysunnyday · 1 year

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what years of unmasking looks like

I, like many others during COVID-19, realised that something wasn’t quite right. I’d been struggling for years, trying to figure out what was going on with me mentally, having formal diagnoses of social anxiety and depression. But living by myself for three whole months, barely seeing anyone for such a long amount of time, really put things into perspective for me. If you, dear reader, by some miracle, haven’t experienced solitude as I and many others have, then allow me to take you on a journey of how I figured out that I have autism.

I was always the weird kid in school; I sat by myself, daydreamed in class, and had a too-specific interest in astronomy. Mrs Russell always gave me detention for zoning out in class, Thai would always tell me to go away once I got too annoying to hang out with her, and Aisha and Lauren would follow me around and call me a ‘lezbyund’. It’s like they all knew something I didn’t, and looking back on it now, they probably did. ‘Don’t do that,’ was a lesson I recalled too many times.

I suppressed as much of my behaviour as I could, learning what was and wasn’t acceptable to others with each passing year. I told no one of my obsessions with Minecraft and Buffy the Vampire Slayer, swallowed back any out-of-place thoughts threatening to bubble out, and kept myself at a distance from others lest the mask slip. And it did slip, on many occasions actually, and each time I’d feel the sting of awkward silences and the disturbed ‘Okayyyy’s. I even feel ashamed to remember keeping the mask up around my best friend, thinking that she, too, would reject me if she saw what I was really like.

(Rachel, you were silly, she’s just as cooky as you, and you literally live together now.)

Looking back on it now, school kids are assholes. Things change once you enter a more diverse, adult world; sexuality, gender expression, nationality, and disability. These, however, were all turbo-charged by the time COVID-19 hit its peak. Early 2021, I’m not only realising that I don’t feel like a girl, but all the learned behaviours I’d built up over the years were all starting to crumble. I’d have a set routine, I talked to myself often, and vocal and physical stims started to come out. While completely alone for three months, I also felt the freest. No one was around to tell me I was weird for chirping on the way to get snacks from the fridge, no one could look at me funny for rubbing at my nose when I got excited, and no one could judge me for how I chose to dress and do my makeup. I accumulated hyper focuses on Pokémon, Stardew Valley, Miraculous Ladybug, and then reawakened my obsession with Voltron from 2017. The mask was finally gone and I could be who I wanted to be; both in how I understood my gender but also where I was at mentally.

Fast forward two years, and I’ve been identifying as a genderqueer autistic since those three lonely months. As expected, the mask went up again once I moved to a new town, but there’s not a lot of pressure to keep it up as long. I learned quickly that my best friend, her boyfriend, and our old flatmate were all so similar, nothing was ever truly weird or annoying, and I never get a warning tingle of ‘don’t do that’ but I’ll admit some stims have yet to make an appearance. My current workplace is so accepting and supportive, even if I literally have a meltdown on shift but I’m glad that I feel safe enough there to do so. The old me would have bottled it up and let it get worse until I exploded.

(The first time I had a meltdown on shift, that was exactly what happened.)

I allow myself to feel upset when my routines are broken, I allow myself distance when I feel overwhelmed, and I allow those I’m close with to know what they can do to help. I would like to get a formal diagnosis; maybe someday when it’s more physically and financially accessible to do so. For now, I know my mind, I know how it works, I do my best to keep it in check where need be, and I know where I can let it run free. Since my rebirth two years ago, I’m different from the child who hid away behind a crude imitation of ‘normal’ to evade rejection. Sure, I still feel that sting, but who really gives a shit y’know?

#sunny speaks #autism #adhd #depression #social anxiety #article #journal #informal essay #about me #genderqueer #non-binary #LGBT #optimism #unmasking #masking

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