Trans Fem Alastor AU
"So are ALL of your friends woman?"
Alastor looks up from his book and tilted his head at Angel, briefly dislodging Nifty who was crafting him a new King Roach 2.0 crown.
"Whatever do you mean my good fellow? Husker's right behind you!"
Husk scowled and pointedly flipped him off while drinking straight from a bottle of vodka.
Angel patted his paw and took the bottle away with his other hand. "I mean a guy you don't have on your pay role."
Alastor hummed, "Woman are much better conversation partners. Witty, charming, and full of pizazz! Men just can't compare."
Vaggie poked her head into the room, and hearing this, grunted in agreement, "For once, can't say I disagree with you."
Angel exaggeratedly placed his hand over his heart and gasped like he'd been betrayed.
Lucifer was a bit suspicious, "You know, that sounds like something you'd say to describe yourself."
Nifty finished the crown and bestowed it upon Alastor with a flourish and a bow. He gave Lucifer a mocking smile, "I'm flattered you think so, I'd only be so fortunate."
Angel stopped antagonizing Vaggie and jokingly said, "to be a woman?"
Alastor laughed, this time like Angel had said something absurdly obvious, "Well yes, wouldn't everyone?"
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Another thing that fucks me up about Thancred & Ryne's relationship through most of shb is that Thancred KNOWS hes messing up he KNOWS hes making tons of mistakes with how he deals with Ryne. He knows full well but doesn't do anything about it. He knows he should reassure her but he doesn't, and he probably doesn't even think he can. Because he knows it won't be completely genuine (and Thancred doesn't even know how to be genuine to begin with) and Ryne is too smart to not see that. And because Ryne already has such a low view of herself she'd never accept his words even if they WERE genuine. Because she still knows that Minfilia means more to him than she does.
And Ryne knows that he's fucking up the entire time too. She knows that he's stressed and grieving but she also thinks she knows his feelings better than she does. Ryne assumes a lot about Thancred, she fills in the blanks between everything he doesn't say or do, but she always fills them in negatively. To her, the default is ALWAYS going to be people wishing she was someone she wasn't, because that's all she's ever know (Vauthry saw her as just "the Oracle" and Ran'jit saw her as just another "Minfilia"). She knows Thancred knows she's not Minfilia, but she thinks he wishes she was (and she's not really wrong, but it's not correct either).
And Thancred is scared to say anything, because he doesn't want to decided her life for her, because he knows Ryne's life is her's to do with as she pleases, but in doing so he inadvertly pushes her towards the option no one really wants. Minfilia doesn't want to come back at Ryne's expense, Ryne doesn't want to just be "Minfilia" for eternity, and Thancred doesn't really want to lose Ryne either.
It's only as the final decision is at hand that Thancred really shows that he DOES care about her as an individual person. It's only after Ryne has already decided to take her life into her own hands that she gets to understand, just a bit, of how he really feels.
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Reading the webtoon and…
Does this imply that Kim Dokja also tried to write a questionnaire for her to fill in since she wouldn’t speak to him, that either he 1) never gave her in the end (especially if he couldn’t find her after she was released) or 2) gave it to her and she STILL refused to answer?
Because that is so so so so awful. It was already bad but if he tried so many ways to get her to speak and she still gave him no response, regardless of her reasoning… isn’t that still directly choosing to cut herself fully out of his life? Why in the hell did she lie for his sake and allow him to visit her if she wanted to never speak to him again?
I know everyone claims Kim Dokja is just like her in sacrificing himself for loved ones, but at least he tries his best to stay with them and to keep them in his life. He still chooses sacrifice, but it’s not because he intends to never return. He always returns (even if much later than planned).
The only time this differs is with 51%, when he STILL tried his best to stay with them - at least as much as he could.
I sometimes like Lee Sookyung, but I am mostly still SO mad at her for completely ignoring her child since he was 8 years old. Especially when he must have looked like shit any number of times from being mistreated and bullied by family, friends, army, employers.
But maybe that’s just the fragment in me being eternally pissed with her. She DOES love him, but like he says in the webtoon in this chapter - maybe such truths are painful enough to be false anyways, because they’re just SUCH bullshit. That’s not how affection should work, if you actually care about someone and want them to be happy.
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S1 Keeley with a boyfriend she genuinely likes and has fun with (the first one in ages) and is maybe even starting to love, even though she hadn’t ever planned on falling in love with him, and this was only supposed to be PR, right (probably), and he isn’t even the right material for a longterm thing anyway (unless he could be?) only for him to go and break their carefully woven trust and demonstrate that he really is more the arsehole everyone else keeps telling her he is, rather than the person he's been to her (the one who, sure, has an ego through the roof, but who's also funny and kind and ambitious and brave) in one fell swoop. To have to wonder if she’s been blind this whole time to who he really is, and to be made to feel like a total idiot because of how he treated her, and then to decide firmly that no, he is good and he is trying, and then to make the choice to continue to be there for him and help him when he asks...
Late S1/S2 Keeley with a different boyfriend, and this one she's certain she loves, and he could most definitely be longterm material with only a little polishing, in fact she's pretty sure this is it, and she's going to see this man through to his shine, because he's worth it. Even as he spirals in retirement and even as they hurt each other in small ways that eventually start to add up into something bigger, she keeps believing things will get better and they both will do better, because the little life they've been building is worth it. Or it has been, up until he goes and breaks up with her and doesn't even give her the courtesy of presenting something passable as a reason, even as he's turned into a stranger before he's fully out the door. And then they're barely talking and she's heartbroken and she knows she probably went wrong somewhere in there, too, but he never told her how and she's too tired to pick apart all the whys, and she's mad at him but it's difficult to even hold space for that anger because she misses him....
S3 Keeley Jones who stumbles into another new thing, and it's not going to be anything serious (unless it could be), and she's still grieving the last one (maybe the last two?) (but this will be different, really) and Rebecca's telling her she isn't certain this is a good thing (but Rebecca never liked Jamie, either, and Jamie's turned out all right, hasn't he). Her new girlfriend flying her on extravagant dates and flooding her with extravagant gifts and making Keeley feel appreciated, like all the time she's put in is finally being recognized, makes her feel worthy of love (she only wants to be loved. she wants people to stop leaving.) Even as her new girlfriend announces their relationship to the entire office (and sure, it's a little sticky, being that her girlfriend is also her boss, and it makes Keeley feel a little uncomfortable, actually, having all those eyes on her, her employees, but she pushes it aside because Jack isn't afraid to acknowledge her, to make it known that she likes her, to stick with her, and that's something). It's something until it isn't, anyway. Until she only acknowledges Keeley where she wants to, to the people she wants to. Until she leaves, too, and takes Keeley's funding with her. And then Keeley is left to feel like the clueless one again, the idiot for not spotting it coming all along.
And she's making stupid decisions again (sleeping with exes just to get the chance to feel someone), and Jamie and Roy are weirdly close now, and isn't that just flipping great. somehow she missed that, too. And she's the one who made them both better!! they never would have turned out like this if she hadn't been pushing them towards it all along, and now they're there without her, which really doesn't seem fucking fair and definitely sucks. And she's maybe still a little (a lot) in love with both of them, but then they're demanding she choose between them like quarreling stupid schoolboys, and she doesn't even want to choose and she wants both of them at the same time she wants neither of them and then there's still the sticky business of rebuilding her firm with what Jack did still sitting so raw in her chest (and it was never that serious anyway, so why does it bother her so much? why does everything bother her so much?)
(im gnawing at my enclosure)
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[Image description: A messy digital drawing of Dahlia Hawthorne from Ace Attorney as a young kid. She has short, bright red hair. She’s standing with her head turned towards the viewer with a somewhat sad, blank expression. Her front is cast in shadow. The background is filled with swirling scribbles and orange color, indicating a raging fire. End description.]
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