#Who cares he’s trying to live up expectations/earn the approval of his maybe dead mentor figure by any means possible | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

commander-orca · 3 years

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COTW FANFICTION

CHAPTER 8: MY ANGER LOVES YOU DEARLY

It was rare for Rochalizo to feel such uneasiness in the face of a mundane situation of this kind. He knew he was the type to resist others’ bad state of minds and could ignore without too much difficulty or sympathy those who gave in to tears or panic. A few months ago, he used to be insensitive to the suffering of others, even laughing at those who felt easily pressured or sad. Few things could move him in Amonlogia, where he struggled to find his place and crossed the city from day to day, withdrawn and shut in like an oyster. Here, it was different. He had the unpleasant feeling that his shell had split open to the limit. Suddenly he was attached to anyone and was moved by everything; recent events had upset him and broken through all his emotional defenses. His promise to help the residents still stood. But he was now sure he would not come back unscathed from this adventure. After the attack by the Gerakis forces, the smallest things worried him and this weapon which he usually carried casually around his belt, forgetting it most of the time, was now found a frightening number of times in his hands, clutching at the slightest suspicious noise. He had become far more protective than he ever thought he would be, keeping an eye on the locals, counting their numbers sometimes.

The light was barely reaching his legs, which were crossed on the chair in the corner of the room; the air smelled of ink and musty. With a weak breath, he cleared away from his sight the long wick which fell on his eyes. He was in the central tower of the island, in the room used by consultants as a meeting place to discuss and deliver certain laws and decisions of average, sometimes negligible importance. This place also served as an office for filling out papers, drafting decrees and speeches. More importantly, it was the antechamber opening onto the tower’s large balcony from which the captain spoke. For half an hour already, everyone had been busy in this too small room - which, let's be honest, had real claustrophobic effects - in order to finalize the imminent speech of the leader. Papers flew in all directions, pens fluttered, consultants made a few final recommendations, their insufferable voices taking on a high pitched tone with each turn of the clock hand which throbbed in the hubbub as uncomfortable as the heat. Backed up against the wall, Suoh put up with these recommendations, head bowed, his hand gripping the wall, barely standing on his legs. He looked pale, on the verge of fainting ... Rochalizo turned his head away, feeling that familiar retching resurface.

It was with Suoh that he had been most surprised. Staying by his side had taught him patience, when he had had to refrain from putting his stupid brain back in place ... But also had somehow, developed, he reluctantly admitted, his sense of empathy. , his kindness and selflessness. Being in the company of such a loving person must have rubbed off on him. What came next wouldn't surprise anyone; he had become attached to him, his usual gentleness sometimes relieving his moments of doubt or distress. It was something that had fascinated him from start to finish; the cries, the threats, any attempt to destroy him ... He responded to all of this with doubly more destructive outbursts of kindness.

That kindness had ended up grating, though, inevitably. So much so that Suoh once asked him to teach him how to shoot. So that he could end human lives. Rochalizo hated this turnaround. He had had fun at the start, making fun of him and his unconsciousness and like a child in whom one would take pleasure in distorting their innocence, he could not help but communicate his cynicism, his sense of the opportunism. But the dreadful realization that each day the young chief began to resemble himself and his brothers, aroused in him a nauseating disgust. Suddenly he felt guilty and if he had been able to turn back time so that Suoh would forever remain an ignorant lulled in sweet delusions, he would have done so without a regret. The worst had been when he had watched him with his own eyes wield a weapon, shoot innocent people, he who was repelled by all forms of violence ... It had seemed to him at the time that by shooting these bullets in the chest soldiers, Suoh had at the same time eradicated what he had been. The former Suoh was probably dead. And the new Suoh had almost been gone. A few hopes away from being changed into a flesh doll, a moving corpse forever. Recovered, -or almost-, he had only been entitled to a few ridiculous hours of convalescence before having to resume his role. Perhaps that was why this kindness dissolved like honey in tea, because people were exploiting the resources he had, without ever sparing him or treating him.

This is why, when he saw Suoh, with a pale face and folded hands, slump against the wall and pray for the speech to be postponed, Rochalizo felt his stomach turn violently. Near the young chief, the advisers in their long sober dresses, mingled in protests and in virulent encouragements. They formed a tight circle around him, some standing, loudly indignant, others leaning over him like idle parents over-brooding their offspring. Rochalizo uncrossed his legs, getting up to approach the stage. Suoh had crouched down with his back to the wall, the top of his head was covered with his hands in despondency and his eyes were closed and constricted. Even in the shadow of his elders, his waxy complexion was striking. His disheveled hair and his wrinkled tunic were proof that he had slept too little to think of taking care of his image.The elder counselor went into a fit of nervous anger, this Kuchiba who apparently served as a mentor figure to Suoh, but who Rochalizo thought to be useful only for unnecessary stress.

"Come on Suoh, get up, you have to go!" Everyone is counting on you! He insisted, trying to pull him by the shoulders.

"You have to go anyway, they're all together downstairs already," the black-haired counselor whispered to him, crouching down next to her boss.

Suoh lowered his head into his knees. His breathing was wheezing and his fingernails hollowed out his scalp, strands of light hair pulled painfully through his fingers. His knees against each other had started to shake.

“Please,” he begged once again, “I can't do it. I'm not going to make it... "There was a short silence during which the advisers looked at each other in dismay. Kuchiba reordered his neatly stacked papers and grumbled under his breath, stunned.

"I don't understand what puts him in such an awful state...

-It can't be the stage fright, he was never really impressed by all this ... "

At the back of the room, their only view of the outside, this panorama of a grandiose blue sky offered by the opening in the clay had become dizzying. The heat waves just came in and out, wrapped around their clothes. From the lodge there was an impatient, ragged hum. There was something oppressive about the roar of the sea, coming and going.

Shinono, the youngest counselor, took a soothing voice and matched it with a hand on her shoulder.

"Suoh, answer ... Tell us what's wrong ..."

Rochalizo couldn't take it anymore. If a single stupid phrase came out of their mouths again, he was going to implode. Did they not see? In this state, nothing could be earned from him. The poor monkey was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And a bunch of loud morons was sure to increase his agitation.

“Suoh, hey! What will people say if you-

-They won’t say shit, folks. Get away ! Rochalizo retorted, working his way through the advisers to Suoh.

His face had taken on two shades of red in anger and his irregular breathing showed that he was barely controlling himself not to give in to aggressive behaviour. With a few rustles of fabric, he joined the chef and grabbed him firmly by the arm. His annoyance worked on his strength as he managed to lift Suoh with just one effort. Suoh was so surprised he didn't say a word. The advisers now gathered around Rochalizo, watching him with a sort of admiration on his face. Poor, they were going to be disappointed.

"Can't you see he can't do it ?! Leave him alone! He snapped to their attention as he crossed the room, holding a still dazed Suoh around the waist.

Finally, the advisers seemed to understand that things were not going to turn in their favor. Their protests grew heavier. Several followed them to the door.

" Hey ! Come back! Kuchiba exclaimed, brandishing his fist in the air, "The speech should have started at least a good three minutes ago!" "

But Rochalizo was determined not to stop. He could feel it, he had to get it out of here. He crossed the threshold of the door not looking back, furious.

"Improvise your bloody speech yourself!" The only thing he's going to do is go rest! "

Rochalizo then took the direction of the hut in which Suoh dwelled, walking in determined strides. The heels of his boots clattered against the dry clay, and his sword, tied to his belt, clanged faintly in the long hanging gallery. Suoh still hadn't said a word to him; maybe he thought it was pointless. Either way, the silence sounded like elusive, crestfallen approval. He quickened his pace, convinced, and went out into the pleasantly deserted streets, since everyone had gone to the tower to hear the speech which would not be spoken.

Arrived at Suoh's, the young man heard himself sigh with relief; to be honest, he didn't really know what he had expected. Perhaps a neglected bedroom that would have allowed him to find with compelling evidence that something was wrong with him. He could not say, however, if he was more relieved than annoyed. If he listened to that little voice in his head and the way his fists clenched against his leg, he was sure he wanted to find something. Indeed, the current situation left him nothing concrete to be able to confront Suoh without appearing to be a nosy or a sentimental idiot. Rochalizo coughed to dispel his discomfort and grabbed Suoh by the shoulders, seating him on the bed, but this discomfort instead of disappearing, filled him up him like water in a bathtub. Suoh gave him a grateful look.

"Rochalizo ... Thank you".

The young man met his eyes, embarrassed. His hands tightened around the stakes on the footboards. What was to answer that? He was probably worse than those stupid advisers. Suoh was old enough to fend for himself, to support his own choices on his own, and Rochalizo had only acted like a mother hen, as if Suoh was a little child in need of a chaperone. He felt ashamed that he had behaved so impulsively and thought he understood exactly what his friend in the tower was feeling.

"Uh ... well ..." he began, rubbing the tip of his boot against the edge of the pink carpet.

But in the end, wasn't it all Suoh's fault? His index and middle finger, both set with thick golden rings, came to rest on the top of his mouth. He could not be blamed for wishing to check his condition. If Suoh had shown himself to be truly responsible, he would have made the decision to return home on his own and would have asserted himself. His tearful demeanor was causing concern to everyone around him, so it was his fault. The fool, why didn't he say anything if he felt low ?! Was he going to let everyone walk all over him until there was nothing left of him ?! Rochalizo fixed his eyes on those of the young chief, invigorated with a new irascibility. Furious, he leaned over Suoh and grabbed him by the collar violently, bringing his silly face close to his.

"WHAT WAS THAT, EH ?! CARE TO EXPLAIN WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR HEAD ?! DO YOU THINK YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO START YOUR LITTLE BREAKDOWN ON A WHIM?! STUPID MONKEY!”

Suoh froze, scared. His eyes, wide open in dismay, did not let go of Rochalizo's. For the first time of the day, to the immense satisfaction of the marquis, these green pupils had stopped looking at him without seeing him and gave him all their attention. Suoh had stopped seeing him as the ghost of someone he could push away and lie to as he pleased. Oh because Suoh hadn't said much yet but Rochalizo knew he would try to lie to him. The smile he had given him with his thanks had already been.

"Rochalizo ...

-DONT TALK! I’M FED UP WITH YOU! "

Suoh blinked several times, stunned to be scolded like this. Rochalizo released his garment and thrust his varnished index finger into his chest. His tone of voice had dropped, but he was still speaking loudly and the nervousness in his words was palpable. He was fuming.

"Now, instead of worrying everyone, you're going to rest! I’m leaving you no choice! ”

Immediately giving shape to his words, the marquis walked around the bed and pushed aside the covers of the box spring, shook the pillow to air it out and also straightened the headboard. Suoh watched him do it, speechless. When he was done, he dragged Suoh by the shoulders to the other end of his bed and pulled the covers back over his knees.

" Lay over. Or do you want me to do that for you too?”, He mumbled, staring at a still frozen Suoh.

Suoh swallowed his lips lightly, probably in the throes of an inner dilemma. He chose still to be docile and to submit to Rochalizo's requests, if it could not be said that they were rather radical orders. His face crumpled up a bit and he proceeded to push the corners of the duvet and bedspreads between the mattress and the frame once Suoh was lying between the sheets. The action made him blush, it was strange to find himself there tucking Suoh in and especially expressing his concern to him so openly. His pride had just taken a hell of a beating ... It was also just as unsettling to be leaning over him like a protector and showing this facet of himself being... Soft? How awful... Rochalizo suddenly stepped back, his cheeks flushed.

" Is everything alright ? Suoh asked, who had just jumped from his sudden withdrawal.

"Uh ... Yeah, yeah, it's fine, it's fine ..."

Rochalizo had replied automatically. His brain took a few seconds to process their short exchange. Once again, he felt anger radiate through him.

“A minute. You’re the one asking me that ?! "Suoh hunched over like a shriveled flower, fearing another fit of anger. But the insufferable habit he had of always taking care of others to his disadvantage took over this time.

“Accept my apologies if I’ve offended you, Rochalizo. You look anxious to me, that's why I'm asking "

Rochalizo would have liked to give him scold him again, it was not the urge that he lacked and the blood still boiled in his veins to this effect. However, he could only stare at him in the whites of his eyes and crush his face into his hand. Sighing, he sat down on the side of the bed, giving Suoh barely a second to shift his legs.

"You really don't get it, you hopeless case."

Suoh straightened up on his elbows, attentive to his movements. Rochalizo imagined, knowing him, that he was already looking for a way to be forgiven. This simple thought was enough to upset him. Why was he like this? Why was Suoh just a bunch of second thoughts whose contents he’d never reveal to others? It didn't make things any easier ...

"I don't quite understand, but if it's because of the speech ...

"Obviously it's because of the speech," muttered the marquis, his head bowed, through his teeth.

"My intention was not to be a burden to you," Suoh whispered to him, after he had straightened up and he put a pale hand on his forearm, "Nor to cause you to worry. Forgive me ".

-Suoh, is that hard for you not to speak in apologies? Rochalizo cursed at him, his eyes dark.

Suoh gave him a rueful smile.

"I guess I'll drop the apologies for today."

They both let the calm of the small room overwhelm them. It was lukewarm and the down was as comfortable on the top as it was when standing inside. Rochalizo's eye was drawn to the pots of cacti that bloomed at their own pace on the shelf and the many tubs of blue flowers that were becoming more beautiful every day. Bathing in the only ray of sunlight, a miniature tomato plant gleamed quietly and grew, more fertile than ever, given a perfectly adequate amount of water. An ear of lavender, too long to be arranged, escaped from one of the open drawers of the dresser, kept in a patch of damp earth. Everything here breathed life and thrived through the care and love that was given to them. Everything ... Except one thing.

Suoh rested his head gently against Rochalizo's shoulder. It was done gradually, first because his position stiffened the back of his neck and tilting his head seemed like a good compromise. Then because he realized that words might be too much in this heated dispute caused by clumsy misunderstandings. Rochalizo surely would never admit it, but those little gestures were at fault if he didn't manage to hold it against Suoh for too long. When his cheek was pressed against his shoulder, he felt caught in the whirlwind of something bigger than himself, of a universal and unconditional tenderness that did not belong to humans.

Rochalizo did not look at him, but as he got lost in the pots of the blue flowers, had the impression that their eyes had met. His azure fingernails scraped his own thigh despite being able to do anything.

"I don't like it when you’re not looking after yourself ..."

Too fast, too recklessly, Suoh's fingers had speared his face and forced him to watch him from up close. His face surrounded by his hair was like the tall trees of a forest which covered the sky and made you lose your way. Not this scary perdition, rather this unstoppable urge to run through the woods and never come back. A powerful instinct to obey that insistent question that came to mind who whispered "What would happen if I ran away from all civilization and got lost in these woods?" Rochalizo exhaled painfully.

"Your concern is precious to me".

A smile. A simple and yet too evocative smile. In a flash, Rochalizo recognized in those cursed features the memory of an expression that had paralyzed him, that had haunted his nights these days, had even given him nightmares. For a moment, he saw the gunshots again, the murderous rifle in those white hands, the rows of helmets and iron boots, the cries and those words he heard echo every time his feet brought him back unconsciously at this location.

"No ... No, shut up, it's not concern," he gasped, breathlessly, holding back his despair, "You ... you really don't understand."

Not giving in to tears, all that remained was anger. It was the best he could do after all.

"There is no one more inconsiderate than you! Can't you see you're screwing yourself up ?! And for whom? For a herd of ungrateful people who don't even see how much you sacrifice yourself for them! "

His face slipped out of Suoh's reach but Rochalizo didn't back down. He confronted him with fierce aplomb. Suoh was the one who looked down at this accusation he couldn't afford to deny.

"It is the role of the leader of the Whale, I cannot oppose it-

-Who is preventing you ?!

- ... But I'm happy. I am happy to offer myself to its inhabitants ... "Suoh continued, ignoring his interruption," I don't think this is a sacrifice.

-So you are completely blind!”, Rochalizo exploded, his eyes so dilated they looked like they were going to disappear.

His breathing heavy, he resumed, swallowing behind clenched teeth:

“You are just a puppet that they use to ensure the obedience of the people. They steal your life away with all their prohibitions. And in the meantime, they let you destroy yourself. But by carrying on like this, you will soon be incapacitated. And all those people you care about so much, they're all going to DIE ”.

Suoh flinched and jumped back suddenly, as if the Marquis had just burned his face with a tinplate. He clenched his fists, his fingernails sunk so deeply into his palms that he was quickly seized with a sharp pain. He couldn't understand. Rochalizo was just a foreigner. He hadn't grown up here. He knew nothing of the ties that bound the inhabitants to each other or to this island, nor of this ineffably sacred responsibility which had become his.

“No one else is going to die,” Suoh bellowed, “You don't know what you're talking about!

-Of course I know!

-No, you who fleed your country like an egoist, you know nothing of what I feel! I could die for them! Suoh yelled at him, his face twisted in frustration, trembling with fury, his mouth twisted.

He was about to hear Rochalizo and counter whatever he said, to say something else, maybe something that could be hurtful. Something that could have convinced him that what he was claiming. But Rochalizo stopped screaming. He lowered his head and grabbed his hands, crushed them in his.

"You fool ... Can't you see? I don't want you to die ”.

Suoh fell silent. Then the origin of the problem suddenly became clear to him. Slowly approaching Rochalizo, he pressed his forehead to the top of his head. The young man bore the same smell as him, the smell of milk. Why had Suoh said all those mean things? He belonged here, with them.

"It won't happen, Rochalizo".

Rochalizo gripped Suoh's face aggressively once again. This time his voice was sharp, threatening.

"Don't even dare to promise me such things!" It was only a few days ago when you ran towards the soldiers and ... I ... ", he shook his head to keep from thinking back to those terrifying events," I forbid you to speak of death as lightly as you do! "- he tightened his fist next to his face -" Suoh, in truth I do not care about your story of sacrifice. All I'm trying to tell you is ... Take care of yourself better than that! You have no idea what you're doing to yourself! Do you think you can live on sleepless nights, non-stop services to others and the punishments that you inflict on yourself ?! By neglecting your health ?! "

Suoh blinked, shocked, breathless. Even if he had wanted to speak, the words would not have come out.

" Lay over. I will not repeat it. "

Rochalizo got up from the bed, pretending that this exchange of screams hadn't happened. Staring down at him, he stared at him sternly, arms crossed, waiting for Suoh to do as he ordered. Suoh couldn't move for a few seconds. It seemed to him that Rochalizo's gaze pierced his skin like a million flamethrowers. The young chef quickly lay down and pulled the covers to his neck. Then Rochalizo came back to him and knelt at his bedside. He took Suoh's hands back in his and buried his face onto the mattress.

“You, forgive me. I didn't mean to scare you. You know very well that it is not against you that I am screaming ”.

Suoh slowly nodded. A slight piteous smile split his cheeks. His hand trailed tenderly through Rochalizo's hair.

"I didn't want to admit it but I'm afraid you're right ..."

Rochalizo looked up hopefully in his direction.

"Maybe thinking about myself once in a while would help, but ... I've always put others before me. I don't know how to take care of myself and ... I don't know if I would get any satisfaction from it ... "

Rochalizo smiled back and his eyes closed on his lids. His mocking sneer echoed through the room, but his face was marked with an unusual solar glee.

"Lucky you that I’m a selfish person then. Because I happen to know a ton of ways ”.

Suoh stared at his face, dazzled by Rochalizo's smile and he felt a familiar form of peace wash over him. For the first time, he was letting someone lift up the hearts and lighten up the mood for him. And he felt good. It was a small start, but it was a start.

#cotw #cotw fanfiction #fanfiction #rochalizo #suoh #suou #rohalito #knk #Kujira no Kora #Kujira no Kora wa Sajou ni Utau #children of the whale #children of the Whales #les enfants de la baleine

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