#a bit angsty with mentions of not supportive family members concerning lgbt stuff

[everwitch-magiks]

somebody save your soul 'cause you've been sinning in this city

Slowly, Will walked up the steps to his apartment complex. He was feeling a bit tired, maybe a little hungry, but mostly he was happy to be home. More importantly, though, Will wasn’t feeling completely exhausted, drained of all emotions with his mind wiped blank.

And that was new.

Before, whenever Will came back from a visit to his folks, he used to feel a sort of aching emptiness, as though everything he knew himself to be was suddenly gone from within him, his sense of self broken into fragments that he couldn’t seem to piece back into a whole. It would always take him days, sometimes even weeks, before he felt like he’d regained some semblance of clarity. It had gotten to the point where he’d found himself coming up with weaker and weaker excuses in order to avoid, or at the very least put off, his next trip home.

But that was before he’d told them.

Because he had told them, finally. Nearing a breaking point, Will had decided that their disapproval couldn’t actually be much worse than the constant feeling of living a double life. And so he had stopped. He had stopped carefully omitting anything that could give too much away about his life in the city. He had stopped the white lies, dropped all pretences and faced their shock and disgust with his head held high. He had told them, his voice trembling with a conflicting mixture of anger and fear, that if they had any problem with his choice of partners, that was on them. And he wasn’t going to deal with it for them.

It hadn’t been their most joyous Thanksgiving dinner.

Will’s uncle had been the first to come around. Jeremy Pointdexter was as traditional as they came, but he did have a big heart, not to mention a great fondness for his youngest nephew. That Christmas, Jeremy had made the trip to New York, demanding that Will show him all the sights and ignoring every call from their outraged relatives.

Will had never been so grateful for anything in his life. (And he didn’t even like sightseeing.) He had been struggling to come to terms with the fact that he was going to spend his first Christmas by himself – the first of many, if the whole situation didn’t improve – and finding himself in the company of his favourite uncle, instead, was in no way an unpleasant surprise.

His mother had held out until Easter, before she’d finally called.

Little by little, things had gotten better. It had been a lot of work, with many difficult conversations and near-arguments, and Will often had to remind himself that at least his parents were trying – for so many, that alone would’ve been a blessing. Slowly, things became a bit easier – not perfect, but so much less awful. Good enough, maybe.

Which was why, when Will walked into his tiny apartment in Morningside Heights, letting go of his duffel bag and closing the door behind him, all he felt was a distinct absence of emptiness.

Before, Will would have been out the door within minutes. He’d have taken the subway all the way down to 18th street, walking into one of his old haunts and quickly finding an appropriate distraction, someone with eyes to get lost in and touches that would render him blissfully incoherent. Someone who could make him feel less shameful, and dirty, and disposable. Someone to make him feel like he belonged, if only for the night.

Now, it was almost two hours before he got on the train.

Stepping into his favourite bar, he found himself looking around for familiar faces. Out on the dance floor, there was a tall brunette with a great ass who definitely rang a bell, and it was possible that he’d at least had a chat with the cute blonde next to him. But the one who made him grin widely was the all too familiar lady who was perched up on a stool by the bar.

“Dexy, my man,” she greeted him when he’d made his way over to her, already sliding a shot in his direction. “You’re later than usual.”

Will shrugged, then downed the shot.

“I had things to unpack.”

“Emotional baggage?” she teased, yet there was a hint of concern in her voice. “More shots?”

“No more shots,” Will decided. “And no, Lards, I’m fine. It wasn’t even bad, this time.”

Will had met Lardo shortly after he’d moved to the city. A coworker had introduced them, and it was only after he had not-so-subtly disappeared, leaving the two of them alone, that Will had recognised the situation for what it was. He’d panicked for a moment, unsure of what to say to her – he wasn’t anywhere near ready to come out to anybody, and definitely not to somebody he’d only just met – but to his relief, Larissa had beaten him to it.

“Wow, this is awkward. See, I’m pretty exclusively into women. No offence.”

“None taken,” Dex had breathed out, beyond relieved. “Actually, I’m not really looking to date anyone right now, so. It’s all good.”

That had made Larissa raise both of her eyebrows.

“Not looking to date, huh. You do realize I know what that’s code for?”

Will had frozen, his expression probably betraying far more than he was prepared to reveal. Larissa’s smile had softened immediately.

“It’s all right, Pointdexter. Let me buy you a drink, okay?”

That night, when Larissa (“call me Lardo, only my mother calls me Larissa”) had slipped him her number, Will had no idea that over the course of the next four years, she was going to become someone incredibly important in his life. His best friend, maybe.

“It’s good seeing you again. I’ve been so bored without you.”

“Yes, these two days have sure felt like a lifetime,” Will told her, rolling his eyes. “Going soft on me, Lards?”

“Quite the opposite.” Lardo grinned. “From now on you’re never allowed to leave New York, ever again. I need my daily dose of Dexness.”

“That still isn’t an actual word.”

“It can’t not be a word – I just said it.” For some reason, Lardo sat up a little straighter, her eyes suddenly focused on something behind Will. “And more importantly, it looks like I’m not the only one craving it.”

“Huh?”

“I spy tall, dark and handsome looking your way.”

“Really?” Dex asked, barely resisting the urge to turn around. “How handsome?”

“Handsome enough. Trust me.” For some reason, Lardo smiled sweetly, then made a vaguely beckoning hand gesture. “Awesome, he’s coming over.”

“What?” Will exclaimed, unsettled. “Wait, stop. How do I look?”

“Decent enough.” Lardo slipped off her stool and picked up her last shot glass, shooting Will a wicked grin. “He’s all yours, darlin’. Now behave yourself.”

“Why do I always let you do this?” Will called after her, but Lardo ignored him completely, quickly disappearing into the crowd on the dance floor.

Will barely had the time to take a deep breath, before someone spoke up behind him.

“Hey.”

Slowly, Will turned around.

Lardo was right. This guy was more than handsome enough.

There was a playful gleam in his brown eyes that immediately sparked Will’s interest. He was wearing tight jeans and a white crop to that just might be one or two sizes too small – it was absolutely perfect. His black skin contrasted beautifully with the white, almost sheer fabric, leaving Will torn between leaving it on and tearing it off.

By the time Will actually looked back up to meet the stranger’s eyes, he was met with a wide smile, one that quickly blended over into what was probably supposed to be a less ridiculous, more laid-back grin.

Well.

“Hey, yourself.”

“Dance?”

“Okay,” Will agreed, resisting the urge to roll his eyes at the guy’s rather poor attempt at playing it cool. “Let’s go.”

The stranger‘s grin widened as he took Will by the hand, leading him out into the sea of bodies. It was a little crowded, but not so crowded that the guy had to press himself this close to Will, his hands loosely gripping Will’s hips. Will let him take the lead, at first, following his movements as they swayed to the beat, but after a while he reached up to wrap his arms around the guy’s shoulders as he carefully pressed his lips onto bare skin, dipping out his tongue teasingly. The guy’s breath hitched, and suddenly Will found himself smiling into a quickly deepening kiss, his body hot all over as they both tried to pull the other even closer. The music changed, turning into something more up-tempo, yet neither of them cared as they stayed entangled with each other, each desperate kiss blending over into the next.

After a while, Will broke them apart, taking a small step backwards and trying to catch his breath.

“Fuck, that was incredible.”

Will smiled – the guy looked completely wrecked, his lips swollen red and his breaths coming out in short gasps. Not so cool and indifferent now, huh.

“Please tell me I can take you home,” the guy continued, his tone actually frantic. “I mean, only if you want to – it’s like super chill if you don’t, no worries, it’s cool. You can, like, take time to make up your mind and stuff. Or, we could-”

“If you say like one more time, I’m not fucking you,” Will interrupted him, speaking firmly. “Okay?”

The guy just looked at Will for a moment, his eyes wide. Will frowned.

“Unless you don’t want me to?”

“No, no – I want to.” The guy stepped closer to Will, lowering his voice a little. “It’s just… You would fuck me? As in, top…?”

“I mean, yeah. I want to.” Will tried his best not to feel self-conscious. “Unless you-”

“I’ve never wanted anything more in my life.”

Will blinked, startled. The guy was smiling again, almost shyly this time, except there was nothing shy about the way he took Will’s hands in his, pulling him back in to lick a slow stripe along Will’s neck, all the way up to his ear.

Ah. Okay, then.

“Let’s get out of here.”

Of course this guy lived in a spacious fucking studio apartment in Chelsea, of fucking course. Will held in several comments about trust funds and income inequality as he was led past the kitchen area and over to a wide alcove, where the bed was. He barely had time to take in the silk sheets and dark red throw pillows – fuck, that was velvet, wasn’t it, what the fuck – before a bottle of lube and several packages of condoms were pressed into his hands.

“They’re different sizes,” the guy said, hurriedly. “You know, in case…”

“Ah,” Will said, taking a look at them. And then, abruptly, he realized. “You do this a lot.”

He regretted the words as soon as he’d spoken. Why did he always do this, why. For once in his life, couldn’t he just think before he opened his goddamn mouth?

To his great relief, the guy merely shrugged, his smile bashful rather than forced. And suddenly, Will realized how much this guy reminded him of himself, from a couple of years ago. From before, when he hadn’t quite settled into himself, back when he’d still been searching for some sort of elusive clarity that he didn’t even know how to properly define.

“How old are you?”

“Twenty-four.”

“So we’re the same age,” Will concluded, tilting his head curiously. “What’s your name?”

“Derek.” For some reason, Derek gave him a strange look, as though the question seemed out of place to him. “Uh. Should we…?”

“Yeah.” Will grinned towards him. “We definitely should.”

When Lardo called him the next day, as per usual, Will would purposefully make his answers short, claiming that it hadn’t even lasted that long so there wasn’t very much to say about it. He didn’t like lying to Lardo – didn’t like lying to anybody, least of all to his friends – but this time, he did, the words just slipping out.

Maybe, Will simply hadn’t been able to find the right words to describe how it’d felt. How Derek had been so eager for it, more so than almost anyone Will had been with before. How they’d moved together easily, so easily, in almost perfect synchronization. Just as if Derek was Will’s lover of many years and this was far from the first time Will had him pressed up against a bedroom wall, fucking him good and fast and going deeper and deeper, his teeth scraping against Derek’s neck as Derek finally came with a low groan, Will following only a moment later.

It took all of Will’s determination to keep them both upright – Derek had gone completely limp in Will’s arms, leaning all his weight on him and breathing deeply. Carefully, Will managed to maneuver them both to the bed, where they collapsed in a graceless pile of entangled limbs and discarded clothes.

Will let himself lie down for only a couple of minutes, before he got up.

Quietly, he made his way over to the side of the room that functioned as the kitchen. He grabbed a glass from a shelf and filled it with water, gulping it down in one go before filling it again. Then he made for the bathroom, finding what looked like a clean towel and pouring some warm water on it, before returning to the bed.

“Hey,” he said gently, setting the glass down on a bookshelf that also seemed to function as something of a bedside table. “How’re you feeling?”

Slowly, Derek’s eyes blinked open.

“You’re still here.”

“Obviously.” Will held out the damp towel towards him. “Here. I got you some water, too.”

Derek took the towel, staring at it for a moment before he looked back up at Will.

“Why are you still here?”

Will paused, taking in Derek’s expression. He could just leave – he would, if Derek asked him to. Yet there was something in the tone of Derek’s voice that made Will feel curious, rather than deterred.

“I’m not in a hurry,” he settled for, after a moment. “And I wanted to make sure you’re good.”

“Huh.” Derek looked back down at the towel in his hands, before wiping himself over a little self-consciously. “Did you… Water?”

Will handed him the glass, and Derek finished it even faster than Will had, before handing it back.

“Thank you.”

“Do your partners not usually stay?”

Derek blinked, looking a little bit surprised. And, Will realized a moment later, a lot hesitant.

“I guess that’s none of my business,” Will added, because really, it wasn’t. “It’s just… If I’d walked out of here, leaving you without as much as a word after I’d gotten what I wanted, I would’ve had very little respect for myself.”

“But you’re not my boyfriend, or anything like that.” Derek was speaking slowly, his expression vaguely confused. “There wasn’t even a date. You clearly don’t have any kind of emotional obligation, here.”

“Emotional what?” Will exclaimed. “Oh, my God. Please tell me that isn’t something you had to hear from someone you slept with.”

“That is definitely none of your business.” Derek didn’t quite meet Will’s eyes as he continued. “And okay, maybe it wasn’t articulated perfectly, but it’s not wrong. If I had a boyfriend, and he  walked out without a word after sex, that would’ve been a serious level of dickheadedness. But when it’s someone I’m just sleeping with, it’s different. You walking out on me would’ve been fine.”

“It would not have been fine.” Will took a deep breath, trying his best to keep his voice calm, but still firm. “Even if you’re only with someone once, it’s not too much to ask that your partner should make you feel cared for, and safe. It’s not. I don’t know who you’ve been fucking, exactly, but please consider fucking someone else. Anyone else, really.”

“And if it’s everyone I’ve been fucking?”

That made Will fall silent. Derek was glaring at him, now, the look in his eyes defiant.

“If you could tell me where to find one of these brilliant guys who’d go the extra mile for someone they might never see again, that’d be great. But until that happens, I’m going to keep fucking whoever I’d like, and you can go fuck right off.”

“You could just fuck me, instead.”

And this time, Will didn’t regret speaking before he had thought things through. Because for once, he didn’t want to take it back.

Derek was staring at him, his expression completely bewildered.

“Did you not get the part where I told you to fuck off?”

Will paused.

“Right. You kind of did, didn’t you?”

“God, why do you have to be such an idiot?” Derek groaned, hiding his face behind the towel. “The sex was great, okay? It’s not that. It’s definitely not that.”

“Okay,” Will said, feeling a little helpless, and a lot awkward. “I guess I’ll, uh. I’ll just see myself out, then.”

“Oh, screw it. No.” Slowly, Derek peeked out from behind the towel. “I mean, I guess you could, like, stick around for a while. Stay the night, if you still want to? As long as you shut the hell up, that’d be somewhat chill.”

“You actually use the word chill unironically.” Will shook his head, but he couldn’t quite keep himself from smiling, just a little bit. “Okay. I’ll stay.”

“Yeah?” And suddenly, Derek’s tone was oddly nervous. “You really don’t have to just because you feel sorry for me, or whatever. I can take care of myself.”

“I want to, though.” Will reached out his hand tentatively, holding Derek’s gaze as he gently brushed his fingers across Derek’s cheek. “For completely selfish reasons, actually.”

“Okay.” Derek took a deep, steadying breath. “Okay. Good.”

“So. Big spoon, or…?”

“You really didn’t get the part about shutting up, did you?” Derek sighed. “I’ll spoon you.”

“Right. Okay.” A little awkwardly, Will got into the bed. “I never told you my name.”

“And what a tragedy that is.”

“It’s William,” Will supplied, despite Derek’s apparent disinterest. “Most people call me Will, though.”

“Isn’t that fascinating,” Derek muttered, even as he gently wrapped his arms around Will. “Can I sleep now, William?”

Will smiled.

“Sure. Goodnight.”

Derek made no answer.

Will stayed awake for awhile, quietly enjoying the feeling of strong arms wrapped around him and quiet breaths behind him. He wasn’t sure if Derek was awake, too, or if he’d fallen asleep instantly. Either way, he seemed relaxed, and that was all Will needed to know.

As Will finally drifted away, his thoughts of Derek followed him into his dreams, where he found them both years away in a distant future, in a time and place where Derek didn’t have that vaguely uncertain look in his eyes as though he was silently wondering whether or not he deserved to be comforted, or loved. Whether or not he deserved to feel more than disposable to those around him. Will had adored Derek’s smile that evening, but the smiling Derek in his dreams seemed even more radiant, somehow. Even more beautiful.

The next morning, Will left with the memory of a gentle kiss on his cheek, and a new number among the contacts in his phone.

#nurseydex #dexnursey #derek nurse #william poindexter #check please #fanfiction #au #nc17 #lemon #is that how we tag now are we officially back to citrus #this was fun #would write again #a bit angsty with mentions of not supportive family members concerning lgbt stuff #evie writes