#a year after THAT with baby 4 like WAS MY EDUCATION ON CONTRACEPTION DEFICIENT? I THOUGHT I EXPLAINED EVERYTHING QUITE CLEARLY. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thesmallcast · 5 years

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Catch and Ball

To play catch up since the unfolding of friend and boy drama. Work has been a lot. It’s been full-on with not being able to keep up with the workload, it’s different being in a commercial role because the responsibility sits with you and I have been taking things quite hard lately and upon myself. I’ve been trying to shift the mindset though I can easily get caught up in it; “ What could I have done better”

My schedule has been back on track with training which has been the highlight of the past couple of months. I feel my strength growing and I’m proud of where I’m at and how I’m getting there! The best investment was getting a trainer to help get me there.

My health has been up and down; I lost my period, I started to become more in tune with my gut instinct when I previously didn’t think I had one at all (I had a gut instinct about gym girl and look how she turned out). I had a gut instinct something was up with my health and I was right. I'm so connected to my body and how I feel these days. I went to the doctors during what would have been my ovulation cycle, because I was spotting which is very unusual for me. Since I removed all contraception I have been super consistent. I get my period every month on time, there are two medium flow days and two light days and then over rover. When I went to the doctor, he suggested a Pelvic scan, I had already done a pregnancy test so we ruled that out pretty fast. I didn’t go immediately to get the scan but when my period was a week late, I got it done. I did another pregnancy test, also negative. I also had a blood test, to confirm I'm not pregnant. Just confirming all ways under the sun that I don’t have a baby. But they did find a 5mm cyst in my uterus wall…. The plot is thickening ( but the blood isn’t). I have had digestive issues, bad bloating and I fainted at work ( due to not eating enough based on the fact I’m full from bloating ) I have been feeling a bit down about this though there are worse things in the world. I lost my period for a couple of months, from June to August but I now have it back though with no real reason or cause to why it disappeared in the first place, everything in my tests came back normal. Doctors aren’t much help either there’s no remedy, solution, answer. Zilch!

I started seeing a kinesiologist ( after a recommendation from my friend), I was a bit of a sceptic but it’s been the most enlightening journey. She was able to pinpoint I have vitamin D deficiency ( which I already knew from my blood test), also low in B. For my gut sake, I need to reduce my dairy and fructose intake. This is all by holding vials to my chest and seeing which makes my arm weak to hold up ( Don’t knock it till you have tried it). She also works on the emotional side and releasing emotional stress and trauma that can stay in our bodies which at the moment has all been led back to family; my parent's divorce, anguish with my brothers, abandonment. The way she explained it is ‘Imagine the door flies open right now and 100 huge hairy spiders start crawling in”. Your body physically responds to that ( well mine especially being arachnophobic) and that’s what kinesiologist is about it’s finding those inner subconscious thoughts that are affecting you or bringing up emotional distress! One thing that came up for me, was the feeling of 'yearning' and it came up for 'bar boy'. I knew I had been suppressing feelings cause I was only wanting casual. She digs deeper to find whIm yearning. She can bring up the emotion from the past, to when I was 8 and my parents divorced and my dad had left, not so much physically abandoned me but its how I had felt at the time because I didn’t see him as much as I wanted. I know there is some deep-rooted family stuff I just didn’t realise I was holding onto it or even had thought about it. Most of my emotional distress is held in my large intestine which is why also experiencing bloating and irregular bowel movements. I'm back there tomorrow so going to try blog the session in more detail.

I have been isolating myself a bit at home, having lots of Sam time which has been lonely and I have been pondering whether I’m spending my weekends the right way! I think I have avoided some social situations and it’s made me feel like a mixed bag of emotions. The weekends don’t have to be an expected way, they just need to be weekends if I choose to spend them in bed than that’s what I’ll do. I have to accept that. I’m not that bad I have one social day generally on a Saturday then have Sunday for me. My friend EM calls them sacred Sunday’s I would wholeheartedly agree! My only problem lately is I’ve been stuck in my thoughts too much. Its a work in progress.

I made some pretty big decisions which I am stoked about; I finally am following my New Year goal of putting my plans in place of moving to Europe, huge step! I have applied for my British passport and am waiting for it to come back. I will leave in April/ May of 2020, I’m not stuck on any date but that will give me the chance to save as much as possible. I booked tickets to go home for Christmas for 5 weeks - it’s going to be my longest stint back home in a while and I’m so looking forward to it ( though worried about how I'll feel emotionally with family and time)! The lead up to these decisions was overwhelming that’s for sure, I was overthinking and drilling too much into what each aspect looked like: work, travel, money, training, settling, career, my family, my friends. It was my work Mum who said to me “Samantra, you have been thinking about travel for a long while and nothing has to all be planned, though you have an opportunity to go do it and you will regret it if you don’t”.She is spot on, and yes she calls me Samantra and I love it! I have worked for GF for 9 years, I’ve been in Sydney for 4 which has been such a monumental time in my life of personal growth. I know that moving to Europe is just going to broaden my perspective, the experience in itself will teach me so much. A new culture, a new way of life, new people, new opportunities. I’m scared, to leave the comfort and security of a company I’ve been with for so long but I also know it’s the right thing to do! I will leave behind some friendships in Sydney too which will be life long connections. My mum is here in October, with the new suitcase she bought me. So I can pack up as much as I can to take back to NZ. It’s not to say NZ will be my immediate home after Europe but that’s where my family is and that’s where my heart is and always will be. I haven’t shared my plans with work yet and I don’t plan too til I’ve locked flights and the new year rolls over, I think that’s when it will become real.

We are just past mid-year so have just reflected on the goals I set myself. I had two fitness goals. One was to do city to surf marathon- I didn’t do this but I did walk from city to surf with AJ who came and stayed for the weekend! It was so great having her company. The other was to squat my body weight which I’m close too - I can do 5 reps of 50kg. I weigh around 70kg. My savings goals have been up and down I haven’t been as careful during the year as I would have liked but being strict on my budget now I have a plan to go! My friend LH, who has always been a massive inspiration and our friendship goes back a decade and we are still close as ever. She has been living in Berlin doing a summer course and living the “hustle” life so I’ve been taking some notes and finding the way of living the Sydney “hustle” life. Her example was recycling plastic bottles for money at the supermarket. I sent her mine, which was keeping my receipt from 2018 to exchange my faulty headphones. The Europe moving goal is still on track but pushed out though I’m not sure if I will learn Dutch or try learning basics of Spanish. I want to learn more and educate myself - I have been looking at doing a supply chain course; a CPIM, a world accredited course. It’s $1800 which I see as an investment I’ve enjoyed my supply chain roles the most. I think my CV would look good to any recruiter but even better with more education up my sleeve. I will give another month to ponder and see if that’s where I want my path to go.

I’m finally up to date on my blog! At one point I had 8 posts half-written in pieces to complete and upload - they weren’t all updates on current life but events and a few other topics of me which I'm excited about cause I had kept a goal to do more blog post this year and had brainstormed things I wanted to write about. I think as always its been a struggle but I feel I’m keeping up to date. I need to set aside the need for it to be perfect and continue writing as I feel! I truly feel lighter after writing everything out - it gives me a sense of satisfaction, but helps me to reflect on my thoughts with them on paper. Can you believe that with this post up I have written 14 posts this year?! With another post shortly to follow …. That is pretty cool! This is me playing catch up and chucking the ball to the next topic…

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