#all i do is think about suicide and sleep

[stxrvel]

losing myself

memories of how you lost yourself trying to keep your best friend afloat. content. angst, depression and suicidal thoughts. this is post-suguru's death, except the first memory. a/n. i just can't seem to bring myself out of the angst for jjk, i apologise in advance!

Helping Satoru was a way of losing yourself. When Haibara died and Suguru abandoned them, Shoko dealt with it in her loneliness and the only thing Satoru could lean on was you. Your shoulder was his support, the only thing that kept him sane to reality as you both tried to graduate and made the decision to teach school, you for a much more selfish reason than Satoru's human reasons.

Helping Satoru cost you a lifetime of loneliness. You loved your friend and after what happened you were so desperate not to lose anyone else that you were willing to do anything, even if it meant losing everything that once made you who you were and all motivation. You thought your identity didn't compare to the pain and helplessness of not being able to do anything while everyone walked away, but your decision led to a lonelier life than you had thought.

“Hey, everything okay?” Shoko approached through the hallway, the darkness relenting once she was standing next to you. “You look pale.”

“I'm fine. Just a little tired.”

The clouds around you enveloped them on either side, a somber feeling settling in between the space Shoko kept her distance with.

“Well, we've graduated. From now on the pains can't be so great.”

“Yeah, right. We're past the worst of it, aren't we?”

“I'd like to think so.”

Her cocked smile thawed a little of the chill settling in your chest, but her eyes told you everything her lips didn't. She knew, everyone knew, that you hadn't been the same since Suguru left. Satoru was staying afloat because of his goofy personality, but trying your best to keep it that way, the sparkle in your eyes disappeared. The person who used to be told that she brought the sun in her eyes had completely clouded over. Shoko saw the storms in your eyes, the impenetrable and unceasing tempest. She couldn't cross it without dying trying.

“You can talk to me if you need to.”

That was what she said every time, even though you never took her at her word. Shoko always proved she could survive on her own, however she had done it, whatever process she had to go through, the smile she gave you in those moments at least was more genuine than yours.

Satoru was too wrapped up in his own world, his own head and his own pain to stop for a moment to notice yours, which Shoko and the others could. You never placed that guilt on Satoru's shoulders, nor did you need to, but it was something you were sadly aware of. Satoru didn't push you aside because he was selfish, it was simply his way of processing things, so internally and individually inside his head. Just as you had made it your way of processing grief to help Satoru tirelessly, to the point of almost becoming his shadow.

“I don't know what to do anymore, y/n,” Satoru cried, hands holding his head and knees against his chest.

Utahime had called out to you, barely passing you out of eagerness and blurting out a couple of words that you could deduce were about Satoru. It was painful as you knew you had to prepare in advance to see him, because it was heartbreaking to have to help him process his pain while you had to keep your own at bay.

“I'm tired of dreaming about it. I'm tired of… seeing him.”

Your hands moved over his hair, his cursed technique disappearing every time you were near. You tried to contain the trembling of his body by holding his shoulders, but having you closer only made him more vulnerable.

“Not sleeping is not the solution, Satoru.”

“That's the only way,” raising his head, his puffy blue eyes returned your gaze. At times like those, you didn't know how he hadn't noticed your sunken eyes or the black bags that even years later still wouldn't go away.

But it was about him. Satoru was in bad modd. You had to help him. You had to hold him.

“No, it's not. I'm here,” your knees touched his feet, his face contracting as a fresh tide of tears lashed his chest. Cold hands wrapped around you and your numb hands wrapped around his neck. “I know you miss him. I know you regret it.”

His sobs against your shoulder grew louder and louder, but Satoru kept his grip with hostility. He held close to you as his lifeline, the float that carried him across the ocean, shipwrecked in his own pain, lost in his own mind.

“But you know you don't have to carry that pain alone, Satoru.”

“I don't know what I did, y/n…”

“You did what you had to do.”

“No…”

“If you hadn't done it, I would have.”

His head jerked up, his blue eyes crystallizing and pain written all over his face with the trail of tears that wouldn't stop flowing.

“It wasn't anything either of us would've had to have done,” you shook your head, trying to contain the memories in the back of your head, trying to focus on pain your friend in that moment, on what really mattered. “It wasn't anything either of us had to endure.”

“But you're fine…”

You almost snorted, controlling yourself enough to let out a sigh. His naive eyes wouldn't leave yours, almost as if he was constantly wondering what you were doing to deal with all that he wasn't. As if there was something wrong that he was doing or something he wasn't doing that you were, because in his eyes, up until that moment, you were fine.

“I'm fine when you're fine.”

“I'm not fine right now.”

“I know.”

You seemed to think a glimmer of understanding crossed his eyes. You didn't know, you couldn't be sure, but his face returned to your neck and the tears stopped falling. Minutes passed in silence.

“I'm sorry,” was the last thing he said that night.

Helping Satoru was something you would never regret, even when you had lost your spark and the students loved him more than you.

“I thought you were going out tonight.”

You ran into Nanami on your way to your dorm. It was getting close to the time of the outing Satoru had proposed for that night and you knew that if you didn't go no one else would show up there. You hated to think of dashing your friend's hopes, but he had already developed enough strength to go through such a disappointment. It had been months since he had becone strong enough to deal with such situations on his own.

“I'm tired.”

“For something specific?”

It was common for your friends to dance around the elephant in the room, and sometimes you allowed yourself to think how different things would be if they had at some point been more daring with their approaches, as you were with Satoru. What would've changed, then or in the past, if Nanami or Shoko had been more insistent? Where would you be now? Where would you be later?

“Nothing specific. I'd just like to get more rest tonight,” you sent Nanami a smile, the kind you had mastered to avoid such conversations.

“Very well. You know I'm just a phone call away if you need anything.”

“Thank you, Nanami.”

Were you really that selfish? In all their remoteness, your friends were still concerned about your well-being. Had enough time passed for you to not care? If you didn't want to be unwell, why was it so hard for you to accept their help?

“You've lost weight,” Satoru was right beside you from the moment you left Yaga's office.

“The mission went well, Satoru, thank you for caring.”

You tried to dodge him to go back to your room, but of course the white-haired man wouldn't just walk away just because. Lately he was closer, more attentive, more condescending…

“Are you eating well?”

Satoru was trying hard to ignore the way his words brought back dark memories. From the moment he realized what had been happening, his mind was scheming every second of the day in trying to find a way to bring you back to your original state. He couldn't even fully concentrate on the missions, but that was no obstacle for him.

“I'm tired, Satoru. It was three days. I need to sleep.”

“I told Yaga many times to let me go with you…”

“I handled it just fine on my own, Satoru.”

“I know! I'd just like to be of some use-”

“You want to be of some use? Leave me alone!”

The bed was freezing cold as it was every night. You changed the sheets that morning and organized the entire bedroom in a strange spike of energy. You felt a little better afterwards, but not enough. It had never stopped looking and feeling so empty, no matter what you did.

Satoru called you a couple of times that night, but as usual, he'd give up after a couple of tries.

You wondered again, drowsily, what would be different if only he had insisted a little more…

#satoru x reader #satoru x you #gojo saturo #gojou satoru x reader #gojo x reader #gojo x you #satoru x y/n #jjk x reader #jjk angst #satoru angst #gojo angst

[kikitakite]

@fantasyfictionfables

I was going to reblog some of your posts because I wanted to discuss your takes on Mystra, but then I found out you're a Christian conservative who hates gay people.

No gay person thinks their sexual orientation is their identity, but it's absolutely PART of their identity, just as being straight is part of yours. You can claim otherwise, but it determines who you might love and marry and that person will one day become a part of you and your identity. It's inevitable. As a wife and mother of three, you should know that better than anyone.

But people from groups like yours shame gay people for exploring that part of themselves and that's why Pride Month exists. Pride isn't "propaganda". It's about marginalized people showing the world they exist and they're not ashamed of it. Parades are also a great way for gay people to meet each other. My bestie met her wife at a march 15 years ago and they've been together ever since. It's beautiful. They have two happy, gorgeous children who wouldn't exist without Pride, because their moms never would've met.

Pride also raises money to help gay teens who've been cast out of their homes and gay refugees who've had to flee their country because being gay is illegal there. It also provides support for gay people who need medical help, therapy for abuse, suicide prevention and more. It's a safe space for people who are often discriminated against and even KILLED just for being who they are. So sorry that seems to bother you.

Your take isn't brave, it's just ignorant and hateful. You didn't have to write that post. Nothing provoked it. You just WANTED to to air your allegiances. And then you turned off comments and reblogs lmfao. For the majority of the year, gay people survive just like us straights. They go about their day and don't even mention being gay. You picked the one month in the entire year that's dedicated to them to complain about their existence and call them "deranged". And then you have the audacity to say you "bear no ill will" towards them? Bullshit.

I can only assume the word "pride" scares you because you're a Christian and it's a sin, am I right? Well here's something ironic: lust is also a sin, yet your entire blog not only consists of Gale thirst posts, but you're also stealing Tim Downie's voice to make audio clips using AI. Hmmm, I wonder if God would approve of a married woman posting NSFW content and using a man's voice for her hedonistic writings without his consent. 🤔

And by the way, as a veteran DnD player I can tell you right now that Mystra has done some absolutely VILE shit to her followers. She's not perfect. None of the gods in DnD are. They're flawed and often cruel. I've seen you compare Mystra and Gale to stories in the Bible, but that almost feels blasphemous. Mystra has a history of evil deeds. She orchestrated Elminster's rape, made sure he had kids and never told him about them. She turned Volo into an anchor without his knowledge. She tortured a peasant because he refused to sleep with her, then killed his wife and punished him for crying about it. And don't even get me started on the "daughters" she created. The third Mystra (who has Mystra and Mystryl's memories) is cruel to Gale as well and the game gives so much context for that. Plus ALL the companions agree she's unreasonable and tell Gale to reject her, and if he does it leads to one of his most satisfying endings. He's happy, he's a teacher, he marries tav and everyone approves. Your way of playing isn't the only right way and people aren't wrong for criticizing Mystra. There's plenty about her that deserves to be criticized, as is the case with every god in the pantheon.

Speaking of, I have nothing against Christians, but I do when they use their faith to shame people and act like total hypocrites.

#pride month #happy pride 🌈 #homophobia #gale dekarios #gale of waterdeep #mystra #baldur's gate 3 #bg3 #call out post #tw r4p3

[jujutsustraycats]

Hey ish! Your school would be starting in a few days and here a few things I wish someone told me when I was about to start my journey for 11th! Some of these might apply to you too even though the paths I have and you will be taking are completely different.

Next 2 years are gonna teach you a lot. They'll put you through the highest of high and lowest of lows. They'll change you as a person. They'll teach you so much about life (and also how people can be). Things would get overwhelming at times. You wouldn't understand what the fuck is going on at times. A lot of times you'd be left confused and hurt and alone for both, academic and non academic reasons. Also, you'd get a lot of career advice so you need to know how to filter out the useless ones! The best way to check authenticity can be reflect on the achievements of the one giving advice.

Even though your classmates might be in the same stream, you'll realise that everyone has a different story and that, in the worst ways possible too. There'd be times when it'd feel like none of your peers understand your visions and aim for future, there'd be times you wouldn't have a buddy to chat about your life philosophies with who also has the same opinions as yours (but remember to not give up on people as a whole okay? You'd find people you vibe with at the end of the day, you just have to be bold enough to put yourself out there!)

There'd be also times you might end up severely over worked and sleep deprived (but make sure not to drink so much coffee that your hands and shaking and your heart is beating so fast that your body goes into fight and flight mode thinking you're having panic attack lol). You know ish, these 2 years might completely make you or break you, but remember to not give up despite whatever situations you might end up in.

I personally was a several-Olympiad-gold-medalist kinda overachiever till 10th (even in 11th lol, i didn't sit for it in 12th because my priorities changed. And I overlooked it, don't do that. Celebrate your smallest wins and remember to appreciate yourself for the smallest milestones or you'll end up severely burnt out. It has happened to me twice over the span of last 4 years till now.) But even I ended up seeing the greatest academic downfall i ever had in front of my eyes at many times during these 2 years. And you should know that it's okay. A lot of people are going to be tough on you but try your hardest not to be one of them. Being kind to oneself can be difficult but try your best okay? And you said you are a perfectionist aren't you? Take care little dove.

I've seen a lot in these two years too. A lot of your academic experience also depends on what kind of teachers you get and me, personally, oh my teachers were pos and sadists. They'd bully me for the most stupid reasons (haha losers. You said i wouldn't be able to do it? Well. fuck y'all ✨ [you'd have to learn to be indifferent at times and not let their or anyone else's words get through you. Learn to develop a strong self belief.]) and I seriously hope you get better teachers.

But oh ish not every elder is bad, you'll get some amazing teachers whom you'd never want to break ties with. Hold on to them! okay? You'd also get really amazing friends who you'd know are going to last a lifetime and would be there for you in your toughest times. Hold on to them as well! Some bastards are too good to let go. Ha!

And also, in return, remember to be kind to your peers because you don't know what they might be going through (not to scare you but I had 2 of my friends who'd almost commit suicide, so yeah it can get scary for both, you and them at times but remember to heal them with your love and support. It's an age you all need each other!)

It's gonna be fun, full of lessons, scary, exciting and adventurous at the same time. You'd hate it sometimes and you'd love it sometimes, but despite all MASTI NAHI RUKNI CHAHIE!!! You won't ever get these 2 years back so make sure you don't walk out without making some amazing memories!! Vandalise stuff, copy the sign of principal to escape the school, bunk the classes (to study or not, your choice) have deepest conversations and most light hearted jokes and banters the exact other day, sleep in the class, eat from under the bench, give impromptu speeches on seminars and farewells, break rules....whatever ish. Whatever gets your heart pumping and adrenaline rushing. Because while it's the starting of peak years of your career, you should remember to be a human and have fun at times too. It's okay. It's normal. It's needed. One shouldn't be guilty about it.

Getting less than perfect marks on a few tests isn't gonna harm you as much as you think it will. The ones who love you will continue to love you. The ones who admire you will continue to admire you. The ones who support you will continue to support you.

Baki, main hun idhar hi ❤️ kabhi bhi kuch problem ho toh AA Jana apni badi behen se advice lene, I'll try my best to help you out. As I said the other day, the pain and trauma these 2 years have put me through has only served to make me more empathetic and protective of my juniors so if you come to me with loads of rants i won't say cliché things like "Stay strong". I'd first and foremost listen to you and simply that. I'd listen to you for as long as you want me to. Because sometimes you'd simply just wanna be heard ❤️

I'll try my best to be there for you! If nobody got you, I do! Remember that, okay? ✨

... Dear gods, I don't even know what to say. You made me cry. Like, tears actually sprung up in my eyes. Happy ones, though. Don't worry too much.

I'm not one for physical affection but I would've hugged you so hard if I were there. Thank you. This genuinely made my day.

#you're so sweet chechi thank you thank you for taking the time to send me this and to offer your support #never thought 🥹 would be me irl but here i am #hugging you tight rn virtually hope you know that #and i want to say that i'm here for support too okay? it's a two way thing. i'm also here to listen. #asks: nami! #familia nami #ish's favorites

[child-ofdust]

i wish i could just sleep forverr or maybe just be able to rot in bed every day every hour but i cant and it makes me so sad

#vent #vent in tags #<- yah #im just so #im so miserable #all i do is think about suicide and sleep #its all i really wanna do anyways #i get out of bed. i brush my teeth. i drink water. i eat if i feel i deserve it (i dont). i pace i walk. i feed my dog i let her out. #and what else #nothing interests me anymore but then again thats like. thats been the norm for awhile i guess #i make myself do the things i love because i hope it'll make me happy but it just #it doesnt #it distracts me #just for a little while #but once i stop i immediately go back to nothing. #when i was younger i never understood when therapists asked if i felt 'empty' i thought it was silly but now #that's the only way i can describe it #if im not miserable and suicidal i'm just nothing #the only thing i can really feel anymore besides misery is guilt that fades faster than it comes and anger #if im lucky i'll get a taste of adrenaline but #kicks rock #is it too much to ask to just feel something other than #yeah #just for a moment #thats all i want #im so sad #i dont want to get better anymore but i do but wouldn't it be so much easier to rot? #i'll die before 20 either way so what does it matter

[stardustdiiving]

You know perilous trails was a good quest when it singlehandedly improved Xiao’s fanon characterization by at least 50%. It seemed like more people began to realize that Xiao is far less of an edgy tsundere who’s snappy to everyone because he has #issues and far more like this tormented stray cat who stares at you from the secluded corner he won’t leave in the most poorly socialized and tense way imaginable when you try to coax him into approaching you because he is clearly starving and all alone in the rain and cold. He bristles defensively and bats at you if you get too close but every time you walk away and then look back you see he’s discreetly following you and is now staring at you intently from the bushes

#xiao #Genshin impact #Genshin #fern.txt #fandomferns #I feel like a lot of it was the original voice direction for his ENG dub #not even the VA I actually rlly like the VA like it works just fine in perilous trails #but a lot of the way they translated him early on was so muhc #for example. his voiceline about drowsiness in ENG sounds like he just suddenly snaps WHOS THERE? and is like oh? you think I sleep? tch. #no respect for the ways of the adepti #where as in CN. you hear him breathing quietly like he’s dozed off. and THEN he suddenly jerks awake #so him going huh??!? who’s there? you think I sleep? #now solidly sounds like he’d accidentally fallen asleep and is flustered you caught him doing so #which is so endearing to me & does a much better job of catching xiaos vibe as someone who’s actually very gentle in nature but conditioned #into thinking a lot of his existence must revolve around suffering all the time. like the way I took his eng voiceline was u run into him at #night hes on gaurd & snaps at u ! #it is perhaps just a lot harder to maintain portraying xiao as this dramatically edgy emo boy unless u massively mistranslate the perilous #trails writing where he is spending the entire time mourning his dead friends & everyone has to talk him down repeatedly from #being suicidal bc he sees himself as a weapon & not a person. NFJVJNFKVJ #I remember ppl being like huh they really toned down xiaos edginess for this quest now he’s just depressed #NO SEE. HES ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT #this post got a bit out of hand. I have got to calm down #very normal about him if you can’t tell

[piplupod]

praying and hoping and begging for things to get better or at least more tolerable soon because i dont know how many more physical symptoms of stress my body can take

#me when i get eczema when the only time i had eczema in the past was when i was about to kill myself lmao #things are Preddy Bad actually fjfkfkfl #theres so many things i have happening and i look them up and its like ''reduce stress :)'' THANKS I WISH I COULD #UNFORTUNATELY. I LIVE IN THIS WORLD. AND THINGS AREN'T GOING WELL. #i actually cant think abt this all anymore tonight or I'll end up crying and i rly dont want to deal w crying rn fhfkdl #but man. things were supposed to go in such a better way. im literally a failure rn #all my siblings are doing way better in life and have a shot at things #and im stuck in my parents basement alone and a loser burn-out #this is so fucked #i realized the reality of my situation at 3am lying awake unable to sleep last night #like. i am.... alone and stuck living in my parents basement. no career prospects because im useless and too exhausted all the time #thats so fucking lame and awful and Peak Failure in society's eyes #man!!! #so unbelievably bleak!!! #anyways i hope this eczema goes away bc wow i rly have not had this except once or twice when i was engaging in suicidal behaviour #i dont want to be doing that again 😭😭 #WHATEVER. it is what it is. live fast die young or whatever #maybe tomorrow something good will happen #pippen needs 2nd breakfast #suicide tw

[insertsickusername13]

The fandom's interpretation of Rich is actually so hilarious. Like imagine you go through years of abuse not only from your father but from a literal robot in your head and even better, you manage to survive it all, and then a bunch of teenagers on the internet decide your entire personality trait is that one time you said 'I'm totally bi!!' Imagine being forced to manipulate your classmate into taking the 'drug' that literally ruined your life and instead of being mad at you for it (as Rich is probably mad at himself for it), everyone is just laughing about the fact you screamed 'it's from japan!!' as you were confessing you were suicidal in freshman year of high school and think you're worthless without this thing to tell you how to be cool. Imagine ruining your life and your body by setting fire to your best friend's house, scarring the both of you for life and probably giving you both severe PTSD, only for the fandom to decide you're in love with him and your ship name to be arson bros. Imagine arson being part of your aesthetic after you were literally mind controlled and manipulated into almost killing yourself. That is actually so funny. That is the most hilarious thing I have heard all week. If I was a friend of Rich's I would constantly be laughing my ass off at him. What a loser.

#i think about this all the time #i'm not even mad about it like this isn't sarcasm #i genuinely find it fucking hilarious #i laugh about it sometimes before going to sleep #tw suicide mention #kinda #bmc #rich goranski #be more chill musical #richjake #well implied richjake #bc when do i not post about them

[morgynemberisagenderfluiddaddy]

I have a migraine 🤪

#incoming vent sorry about it #¯\_(ツ)_/¯ #life sucks and im so over all this shit #it's literally been the what like year from hell #so my mom almost died this time last year and there's been all kinds of fun ptsd like symptoms from that and then my dog died and then #everyone got covid and then i got a sinus infection because i can't do anything normal #now last week i was thinking about what i need to talk to my doctor about and I'm thinking about my symptoms and mom's like that sounds like #lupus which is what my mom has and now I've been so super stress sick and I'm just trying to chill and relax and my estranged family member #is trying to work their way back into our lives and throwing a fit cause we won't let them because they've threatened and tried to kill us #all on multiple occasions and i know the threats are going to start up again and I'm worried that this time they're serious #i know this is either going to go one of two ways and they're going to try to kill us or themselves and i just i don't know #i don't know what to do about it because we don't have any proof of these threats written down because they've all been verbal #my family doesn't really know what to do either but i know the getting a gun conversation is going to come up again #and then I'm going to have to outwardly admit that I'm not stable enough for that shit and then everyone's going to freak the fuck out and #ughhh god i just can't deal with this shit anymore it's all bad and it all fucking sucks ass #oh and I'm trying to give up for the day and go to bed so I'm looking for YouTube videos to keep my mind busy and someone i follow #is having to live post that they're trying to keep their friend from committing suicide because the friend turned it into a public thing and #the yt is trying to reassure everyone and it's just all too much #I'm too on edge I'm too triggered or whatever i don't know what the fuck to do anymore i just want to go to bed and sleep until everything #is magically better. also i have three publishers breathing down my neck for this book but i haven't been able to write in months because of #all of this shit and then i had the bright idea of starting a writing blog i have NO CONTENT for and just FUCK fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck #i just want to go be a fucking snap under the ocean im done fuck all of this being a human fucking sucks and I'm exhausted #oh and also my brother for randomly offered a job I've been trying to get for fucking years so ✌🏽😁✌🏽 that's also doing great things for #me i am super proud of him though cause he's working his fucking ass off i hope he takes it cause if not i will punt him into the sun #but anyway I've had it officially! so good night tumblr stay classy #izzy speaks but i really shouldn't

[minglana]

idk what kind of stress im currently in that i cry just bc of the fact that its 12am and i can hear people speaking in the office next to my room

#maybe its the fact that the woman aggravates me so much #bc she follows /some/ of the dorm rules and she doesnt follow others #or maybe its just that things have changed so much around here that im no longer comfortable #or that /ive/ changed and im far too strict w everyone in general #or maybe that ive grown up way too used to quiet and i need my quiet time #and i cant even get ONE hour of silence in the day. not even at 1 or 2am anymore #that used to be my study hours bc thats when no one was awake in the dorms and there was complete quiet #but i cant even get that anymore bc apparently following rules is too 'hitlerian' and what do we care abt other ppl. right #and im not even talking abt myself! obviously im the one thats affected the most by it but theres like 20 other people on the same floor #that go to sleep EARLIER than the rest of us. and if you talk a LITTLE bit too loudly they can hear it too #but anyways the more i think about it and like. even if i had my required hours of quiet time. i dont think id be happy here anymore #what made me happy abt being here was having friends. and i dont have any anymore so whats the point right #actually i do (or did) have friends. but they dont seem to care that much abt me since they never even care to talk #even last yr they never asked me to sit w them or hang out w them. i always had to take everything into my own hands #and tbh that friend dynamic just doesnt rly do it for me. if you dont tell me that im allowed to do things. im simply not doing them. #as much as id like to. #ok i seem to have calmed down from crying now. i swearrrr im so done with everything. i think its seasonal depression #but im so close to wanting to end it all (as in everything. not just myself) #suicide mention #z xarre

[perths]

🫠

#my depression is getting progressively worse after almost a year of it being so good and now i feel like i'm getting myself into depressive #thinking spirals just about the fact it's getting worse which really isn't helping me at all #but the medication i'm on is still stopping my suicidal thoughts and it's really quietened down so many of my bad thoughts so it's a #different kind #of depression that is so hard to explain and everyone around me thinks i'm doing so much better so i don't want them to see i'm struggling #so i literally feel so fucking alone with the way i feel which i think is also making my mood worse #ugh i just miss feeling ok #i spent yesterday sleeping because i just didn't want to be awake but then i spent the evening at a family meal and it really wasn't too ba #bad* #so i don't feel like i have reason to be depressed because things are seemingly so good so why do i feel so shit :( #and today i've literally done nothing productive at all either and i hate myself for it #anyway i'll delete this later probably #i should probably journal about this instead but i even feel bad writing bad things in there when it's been positive things for so long lol

[fractallogic]

I mean yeah dude no kidding she’s better when she eats, because that’s how humans work

Dude is in DENIAL and I am just so tired of it. I’m looking forward to talking to grandpa when he calls me so that I can get an update, because… sigh. I just want broad strokes. I mean yes a shitty update is an update but is it really better than no update? Idk.

Our energetic friend happened to call last night and since her mom also died of cancer and also had a brain tumor, it was especially meaningful to have her tell me for the umpteenth time that whatever decision I made re: seeing her is the right one. If someone who adored and cared for her mom in her final days says that… I mean, I KNOW it’s true, but coming from her I believe it.

Idk man. I want my mom to be at peace. I want her to die. She wouldn’t want to be like this.

#I bet she’s going to die while I’m in Nashville #I should text grandpa and see if she’s drinking anything because I think that’ll be a big clue #idk why death is scary #especially in situations like this #like. maybe I have a skewed view on it because I’ve been suicidal multiple times #but regardless of what your brand of spirituality believes happens it has to be better than this #death is an ending. it’s sad for the still-alive people! that’s reasonable! #but for a person who’s not going to get better and has no hope of going back to a fraction of their past self? #for someone who doesn’t respond and sleeps a lot and is already shutting down? #nah. death means you don’t have to struggle anymore #you don’t have to be changed by your partner and be embarrassed that your kids know you’re incontinent #you don’t have people talking down to you #you don’t have everything you talk about questioned or get asked questions like boy do you remember living up in Washington #you don’t have to have uncomfortable topics hidden from you or be talked about while you’re still in the room #you don’t have to have invasive questions asked about you #death—honestly—sounds like a relief after all this #and knowing how FIERCELY and OBNOXIOUSLY independent she was #and how she HATED asking for help #that alone… she would fucking hate this. she DID hate this when she was still able to do things on her own #but now? please just let her die. #like idk man this isn’t a family who believes that any of US are going to hell #everyone who’s religious believes everyone is going to heaven #and those of us who aren’t just want her to be able to have this end #like sorry mom I don’t know if you can be buried in the cemetery with your mom and the baby who died #but if you can’t be then I’ll have you cremated and figure out how to get your ashes spread up there #it’s the next best thing. #I hope you’re not hanging on just for me mom.

[loyalhorror]

tonight on "I feel like shit at 3am": I feel like shit and it's 3am

#rat.exe #I'm not going to get into it because I don't need anyone worrying about me. I have enough to deal with. #(You will note that I'm prioritising my own mental health there and not someone else's.) #(This isn't a 'if people worry about me I did something wrong' thing it's 'if people worry about me I have to deal with it') #But anyway I've felt shit for hours and I'm too restless to sleep. #And I keep relapsing today which is fucking annoying and is going to make therapy tedious on Monday unless I lie. #A lot of us were cofronting earlier and it left me super flat and washed out and I just haven't perked up since. #And now I'm awake and thinking about how goddamn unfair it all is. How anyone could have died but it had to be them. #How I can't remember them at will. #How I don't cry until I do and even then I couldn't tell you what I'm feeling. #And how if I keep on living the price will be losing people. I am always going to lose more people. #And I wonder what the point is. And I wonder if the point is worth it. #And I wonder how stupid it is to talk about this somewhere anyone can see. #negative// #depression// #self harm tw // #suicidal ideation //

[mayonakano-archive]

i'm going to delete this later but i need to just. yell.

#delete later #vent in tags #anyway uhhhhh any time i even so much as think in the direction of college i start crying so thats a good sign /s #given that i. almost never cry :) #i am. terrified. in the optimal world i'd just drop out and live under my bed or something because my issues are. frankly overwhelming #at this point. i can barely sleep properly despite trying to keep a proper schedule (i woke up at THREE this morning.) #im constantly flipping between being almost suicidally depressed and feeling nothing at all and it's terrible. i don't have any real #desire to hurt myself and most of my intrusive thoughts go the way of 'you should break stuff/hurt others/etc' but man #sometimes i have to step away from stuff just because i see a knife or a fork and wonder what i can do with it. #college makes me terrified and i know my parents fucking suck because otherwise they'd care a little more about the fact #that i can barely do anything or function but nah. all they want is the perfect little child. and now i'm paralyzed #i don't trust my ability to work because of my exhaustion and i know once i go to uni i can't count on any support from my parents #whatsoever so i'm just... stuck. uni's meant to be less grueling in terms of hours than HS but... #stacking work and school sounds like fucking HELL but i don't have the money or support to NOT work... #so all i can do is stress and stress and stress and stress and struggle to even start my essay and feel everything slipping away #because god? do i even remember half of the days i live through anymore? do i even care about the work i'm doing? #no. i'm dogshit at programming to the point where i've been stuck for a month. i can barely do work without spacing out or ignoring class #entirely just to talk to my brother because at least THERE's a little joy in my life. everything else feels so bleak and pointless #i can't do anything meaningful with this godawful life of mine. but all i can do is keep muddling through. because nothing scares me more #than the idea of dying. so that's off the table. so i'll just keep stressing and crying and wondering if it's even worth it. #ugh... if anyone actually read all this just pretend you didn't...

[elytrafemme]

the fact that tomorrow is the anniversary of the day i thought i was going to die and the fact that i just got sent a text message that reads like a suicide note by someone in a different state. is really fucking. is. what do i even say to that. 

#suicide tw #suicide #death tw #death #don't reblog. #sorry I don't like talking about really heavy stuff here but uhm. I don't. I don't know what to do exactly. #I sent maybe five? messages? trying to gently reassure them but I don't. I don't know. #God I was trying to make myself so busy tomorrow so I wouldn't have to think about it but #now I don't think I can even sleep #because I. Like someone has to be here. Right? #And do the others just not realize it? we all saw the same exact text #okay. okay. I need to take deep breaths. I need to figure this out. #neg #negative

[horizon-penblade]

oh ok i finally got to the episode with that "ceaseless watcher turn your gaze" quote

not gonna lie I was NOT expecting it to be used like that

#wretched #i thought it was gonna be some line from john talking about himself #being all melodramatic and calling himself is absolutely something s5 jon would do #tma #tma s5 spoilers #i couldn't sleep much last night because i'm sick so gUESS WHAT I DID INSTEAD #to be clear i didn't think it was being used by jon as a suicide attempt i just had NO CLUE those words had a weaponized effect #tw suicide mention in the tags

[capitateoftheherald]

coming to terms with the fact that it's very likely i will attempt suicide again in the future just like. statistically. and if i survive i'll probably do it again too. at the very least i am going to be plagued by the idea that i Could for the rest of my life, because that's just what multiple chronic mental illnesses is like. so for whenever my next suicide attempt is i'm thinking i should reestablish contact with my father so i can blow my brains out in his living room

#suicide tw #i don't even know how i think he would react #it would be really funny though #like my siblings would legitimately laugh about it because we all developed the same “laugh to cope” response #there was a nonzero chance of me doing this back when i still had visitation with him aged like 12 #cuz i Was depressed as fuck and there Was a gun safe in the basement and he Was stupid as fuck so i probably could have found the code #his dumb ass really had no idea that his adolescent child was fantasizing about inflicting maximum psychological damage #and the thought of that is amusing to me. #“my child is fine” sir your child never speaks unless spoken to and has 0 nameable interests and cries themself to sleep nightly. #and so the “easy child” was born. #don't forget to put the papers out for jimmy!