#all i havta do is keep shit running w/ as little long term damaga as possible til then

[kindacreepy-kindaugly]

is it depression or is my appetite gone cause I'm preemptively preparing for when Val gives up on any progress & his relationship for real n starts givin me shit about my weight again

#i mean idk if it's gonna happen but #it might #why do i care what he thinks? ain't that the question #n i mean i know it's not even abt my appearance rly cause he gave me shit about it in my source body too n that one's full heroin chic #it's just abt the control #he likes me weak & he likes it when i starve myself for him #thank fuck our sleep meds make me hungry as hell cause otherwise i wouldn't be eatin at all #just need to make sure i have easy food available so we get some actual nutrition too instead of just junk #even the junk's better than nothing though! #it's not a body image issue for me atm but i'm kinda worried it might turn into one #like pllllssss we already had one ana stint we rly don't need another go at that it fucking sucked #n as a bonus doesn't even make us lose any weight cause our metabolism's fucked lmao #so it'd literally just be me eroding our insides for nothing. except like a brief feelin of satisfaction i guess #i can get that in less dangerous ways too tyvm #so i rly rly hope val's up to speed w/ the way it'd get legitimately dangerous for the body him included. n also make him feel like shit #if he wants that type of control there's other shit he could have me do. nothing i'd like but at least w/ less or no physical harm included #kinda wish my life wasn't like 80% harm management at this point but. it is what it is. #at some point it's gonna change. someone else is gonna take over. #all i havta do is keep shit running w/ as little long term damaga as possible til then #can my sedatives fucking do smth my heart's still fucking pounding for no reason uggghhhh #spdrvent #disordered eating cw