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deadcactuswalking · 2 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 11/12/2021 (Ed Sheeran & Elton John, SZA, Christmas Garbage)

So, Ed Sheeran and Elton John released a collaborative Christmas single. As funny as it’d be for this thing to debut at like #23 or some other unremarkable chart position, that’s not how the world works so “Merry Christmas” is #1. Welcome back to REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

So here it is: Merry Christmas, and everybody’s having fun except the poor bastard who lists 30-odd songs a week for a hobby. Honestly, I’m starting to think at least one of these artists should start paying me for this show; I’ve probably typed more words about D-Block Europe than they have writing their songs. Someone told me I sounded like ADoseOfBuckley in the last episode – which is pretty much a hate comment considering that man’s content – and I’m tired as all hell so screw it, I might end up doubling down on the cynicism this episode. The scheme for now should be pretty clear so we start with the notable drop-outs because ‘tis the season to spend five weeks in the UK Top 75 – which is what I cover – or peak in the top 40 and then exit the region this week. For today, they include some big hitters because naturally, it’s a Christmas week. We have “Tell it to My Heart” by MEDUZA and Hozier just never taking off, “Moth to a Flame” by Swedish House Mafia and The Weeknd, “Spit of You” by Sam Fender, “My Universe” by Coldplay and BTS, “THATS WHAT I WANT” by Lil Nas X, “Obsessed with You” by Central Cee, “Meet Me at Our Spot” by THE ANXIETY, “My Heart Goes (La Di Da)” by Becky Hill featuring Topic, “Woman” by Doja Cat, “OUT OUT” by Joel Corry, Jax Jones and Charli XCX featuring Saweetie, “Take My Breath” by The Weeknd, “Happier than Ever” by Billie EIlish, “INDUSTRY BABY” by Lil Nas X featuring Jack Harlow and amazingly, “Bad Habits” by Ed Sheeran dropping out from #19, although this is because of the three-song rule. Yeah, it was a clean sweep, and it seems like the songs that actually survived on the charts are barely keeping on also.

Out of the 10 biggest songs in the UK this week, only three of them weren’t Christmas songs. Where everything without sleigh bells landed this week was up to fate, so our notable losses – songs dropping at least five spots below their chart position last week – include “Seventeen Going Under” by Sam Fender at #15, “I Drink Wine” by Adele at #18, “Do it to It” by ACRAZE featuring Cherish at #21, “Cold Heart” (PNAU Remix) by Elton John and Dua Lipa at #22, “Oh My God” by Adele at #23, “All Too Well” (Taylor’s Version) by Taylor Swift at #24, “Shivers” by Ed Sheeran at #28, “Tell Me Something Good” by Ewan McVicar at #30 (really? This held on?), “I Wish” by Joel Corry and Mabel at #34 (not saved by its festive remix), “Better Days” by Dermot Kennedy at #37, “Enemy” by Imagine Dragons and JID at #40, “Alone with You” by ARZ at #43, “Ghost” by Justin Bieber at #46, “Smokin’ Out the Window” by Silk Sonic at #49, “STAY” by The Kid LAROI and Justin Bieber at #50, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #51, “Drive” by Clean Bandit and Topic featuring Wes Nelson at #53, “love nwantiti (ah ah ah)” by CKay at #56, “No Competition” by D-Block Europe at #57, “Where Are You Now” by Lost Frequencies and Calum Scott at #58, “Money Calling” by Da Beatfreakz featuring RAYE, Russ Millions and wewantwraiths at #71, “One Right Now” by Post Malone and The Weeknd at #72, “SAD GIRLZ LUV MONEY” by Amaarae and Moliy at #74 and finally, “Better Days” by the “Sexual” guy, a session musician disguised as a pop singer and Mr. Pop Out at Your Party, I’m with the Gang at #75.

There are no notable gains outside of all of our Christmas songs, and as I said, I’m not listing them. I will however note down our returning entries as whilst we had the big flood last week, more are trickling down into the top 75, with the returns this week being a particularly good selection honestly. “Santa Claus is Coming to Town” by The Jackson 5 is at #69 and I will not make any jokes about that considering the title of that song and the man who sang the lead vocals. It’s tempting, but I’m not Family Guy. Otherwise, our returns include “Christmas (Baby Please Come Home)” by Darlene Love at #68, “The Christmas Song (A Merry Christmas to You)” by the late Nat King Cole at #67, “Lonely this Christmas” by Mud at #65, “Christmas Lights” by Coldplay at #64 (probably the best song on the chart right now), “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Frank Sinatra at #63, “White Christmas” by Bing Crosby getting its way to #61 because the manipulated streaming nonsense only affected the US, “Santa Baby” by Kylie Minogue at #60 and finally, “Stop the Cavalry” by Jona Lewie at #54, which is also an insanely good song. The Darkness next week? Please? I also find it pretty interesting that the three highest-charting songs outside of you-know-who debuting at #1 have actually changed this week, as “Last Christmas” by Wham! overtakes Mariah at #3, with her “All I Want for Christmas is You” at #4, followed fascinatingly by “Merry Christmas Everyone” by Shakin’ Stevens at #6. Now to get to our mix of festive and... non-festive new arrivals.

NEW ARRIVALS

#66 – “Santa, Can’t You Hear Me” – Kelly Clarkson and Ariana Grande

Produced by Jason Halbert

Ah, Kelly Clarkson and Ariana Grande: Queens of pop vocals, Christmas and now seemingly American primetime television. This song was released on the 15th of October but is only charting now because of Clarkson’s new Christmas album – it’s not her first – and I guess this is pretty sweet. Even Mariah Carey herself has tried and failed to replicate the sleigh bells, Brill Building-indebted burst of “All I Want for Christmas is You”, where a powerful voice is placed flat on top of a dynamic yet delicate twist of pop confection with the warm horns and driving 60s production, so I’m not surprised Kelly and Ari don’t exactly replicate the magic here. To be fair to them, though, it’s a damn good attempt. They both sound great and there are a lot more intricacies to this kind of flatter-than-I’d-hoped instrumental than I’d expected to notice, with the song overall just being a pretty fun romp in the same vein of most modern Christmas music. I don’t see it in the canon anytime soon – it’s not catchy enough – but this is good fun so check it out since it does not deserve to fly under the radar.

#61 – “Little Things” – ABBA

Produced by ABBA

What else is there to say about the ABBA reunion? If what I’ve been repeating about it being dry, cynical and grossly overstated wasn’t proven well enough, here’s a Christmas song by the group released the same day as the rest of the album because planning is key, I suppose, and interpolating “Twinkle Twinkle Little Star” (and not for the first time). It’s a wholesome song with plastic strings and echoing vocal production about how great a Christmas with the family is, especially with the kids, and I’m not going to deny its right to exist – Hell, I like the flutes a lot starting in the second verse, and I can’t say there’s not an element to it that’s wonderfully warm and cute. It’s just too twinkly to really work as a modern Christmas track, and far too detached from religious to work as some kind of hymn or beautiful choral piece, though the child choir at the end is getting worryingly close to a primary school nativity. I’ve heard worse from this band and this holiday, so I give it a pass, but this does just seem kind of... lost I guess is the best way to describe it.

#59 – “Wandered to LA” – Juice WRLD and Justin Bieber

Produced by HARV and Louis Bell

Oh, great, they’re still milking Juice WRLD’s unreleased material! He’s foreshadowing his death in all of these songs too, it’s not like it’s in any way subtle. After all, he’s actually “been dead for years” at this point. I know that Juice left a history behind of unreleased yet finished material, this song being one of them, but what people fail to realise is that the original had a completely different instrumental to this new one. Songs change all the time, but you’d think if Juice thought he had a hit on his hands with this one, he’d tease it again, but instead, we get this Lil Bibby-choreographed Justin Bieber collaboration – he wasn’t on the original either – and I’m again not sure what else I can really say. This song is a 24kGoldn-esque fusion of electric alt-rock guitars with a flittering trap beat and 808s that don’t even sound like they care, with Juice listing off his typical borderline gothic emo bars about Xans, with the most notable line being when he calls his girlfriend his plug. I can’t really tell if it’s harrowing or more just pathetic that Justin Bieber’s verse sounds like the posthumous one here. It’s just a gross label product and nothing remarkable. Oh, and it’s absolutely not fitting for the holiday season.

#42 – “Make You Smile” – D-Block Europe featuring AJ Tracey

Produced by HoloMobb and Boumidjal

D-Block Europe probably aren’t either but at least they can be funny and not just gross, disrespectful and depressing... except they’re usually that too. This is an album cut from their most recent album, Home Alone 2, and I guess we could start with the lyrics because in some ways, this is a love song, or at least it’s half and half. He visits her in the middle of the night when she’s upset and promises to take her on vacation so she won’t be, whilst also reassuring us that he’s with “drug dealers, killers and the mandem” because I guess that’s just how this genre works. It’s not even a “thugs need love too” song as much as it is just that dissonant between two lines in the chorus. That’s what Adz is on about but AJ Tracey and Dirtbike LB have similar issues, albeit they’re more just about flexing and then doing a little objectification rather than trying to balance two topics at a time. Oh, and the song is actually insanely good, with a wonderful blend of acoustic guitars that sounds so triumphantly digital thanks to the layering, placed under an atmospheric and tropical but still driving drum pattern. Young Adz is surprisingly smooth with his singing this time around, and Dirtbike LB sounds alive for once in his A Boogie wit da Hoodie impression that sounds a hell of a lot better than the real deal. His short verse is actually pretty focused in comparison to the others, too. AJ Tracey goes for a melodic yet fast-paced flow and sounds really slick doing so, even if the content isn’t all that unique. Yeah, this is pretty great and I hope to see DBE move away from trap beats more because this turned out to be a great success. Do more dance-pop, guys.

#38 – “I Hate U” – SZA

Produced by ThankGod4Cody, Sir Dylan, Rob Bisel and Carter Lang

And what’s more festive than hatred? SZA is back with yet another Christmastime surprise single, yet still no news of that album ever coming out. Regardless, it’s nice of her to supply another cute single release while we wait, and whilst I wasn’t a fan of “Good Days”, I’ve come to appreciate its psychedelic atmosphere, so I had hopes for this one and I’m pretty pleased with it, too: I love the cloudy atmosphere being attacked by the wonky 90s synths and the static-sounding percussion. It really sounds like a quirky bedroom mistake rather than a real song, which is for the best when it comes to SZA as whilst the vocal mixing is awkward at worst and pretty harmonious at best, I love the drop in energy and aggression that comes with the casual, sleek chorus after the intense pre-chorus. The reminiscing on a breakup is nothing new but written pretty interestingly, particularly with the details like how SZA is sick of him using the same sex positions, which is a great intimate detail to place in there. Overall, this is some really great casual R&B. Not what I expected on the charts come December but I hope to God it sticks around.

#1 – “Merry Christmas” – Ed Sheeran and Elton John

Produced by Steve Mac

The Annoying Orange and the Grandfather of All Gays wrote three Christmas songs together and this is the first to be released. If they’re putting out one per year over the next couple years, I might be writing next year’s episodes from prison but for now we’ve just got this one little cute sequel to “Step into Christmas”. I find it difficult to call “Merry Christmas” a song though, let alone a #1 hit song. First of all, it’s partially about dancing with your loved ones under the mistletoe but it drops in very unsubtle references to the lives lost in the COVID-19 pandemic that just feels cheap and makes me kind of uneasy but given that the UK profits are going to charities, I guess it’s not that bad. It’s still an oddly disconnected song though, especially with how Ed and Elton don’t really harmonise in the choruses or verse, rather splitting each into two and just trading lyrics. There’s only two choruses because the second verse doesn’t lead up to a final chorus but instead just meanders into a choir and then a completely different outro. This would all be fine if the song was good and made use of this fragmented structure, but parts like Ed’s verse-cut-short in the piano intro just feel awkward, and the overly compressed mix that sounds like canned snowflakes just accentuates how dishevelled the whole thing sounds. Elton John sounds like he’s really struggling in his parts, and vocal mixing is REALLY bad on his end. The instrumental is nothing great either, just a cynical mock-up of what a Christmas song could potentially sound like at any point in time. The chorus doesn’t stand out from anything, and it honestly feels like the song just chugs along without thought, and not in the good way because it’s a #1 hit Christmas song. There should be some control to this, surely, but it’s just all over the bloody place. I don’t like to say songs “fail” because they work for other people and I can never be objective, but this is just the failure of writing a Christmas song put to chintzy music for three long minutes. I honestly don’t see this grabbing the Christmas #1 as a result.

Conclusion

This was a mixed week, with a 50/50 split between both good and bad, and festive and... hateful, pretty much. Best of the Week goes to SZA’s “I Hate U” but it was really close between that and the Honourable Mention, “Make You Smile” by D-Block Europe featuring AJ Tracey. When it comes to Worst of the Week, Juice WRLD’s record label gets that for “Wandered to LA” with Justin Bieber, but with a sharp Dishonourable Mention for “Merry Christmas” by Ed Sheeran and Elton John. What a bizarre failure to be... anything.

Next week, snow will continue to fall in the UK Singles Chart, as will non-Christmas songs, as we’re nearing the 25th closer and closer, meaning people actually have an excuse to say happy holidays. Thank you for reading and I’ll see you next week!

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aviewfromthepanopticon · 5 years

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The Auntie Matter

Big Finish’s summary: England in the 1920s. Whilst K9 is off in the TARDIS leading the Black Guardian on a wild goose chase, the Doctor and Romana are enjoying a leisurely lifestyle as the Lord and Lady of a London townhouse. But trouble never stays away from them for long, and before they know it a chance discovery of alien technology leads them deep into the heart of the English countryside where a malign presence lurks. As the Doctor dodges deadly butlers and ferocious gamekeepers, Romana is faced with a malevolent Aunt and an even deadlier peril — marriage. Written by: Jonathan Morris Directed by: Ken Bentley Release Date: January 14th, 2013 Series: The Fourth Doctor Adventures, Series 2, Story 1 Cast: Tom Baker (The Doctor), Mary Tamm (Romana), Alan Cox (Grenville), Lucy Griffiths (Mabel), Julia McKenzie (Florence), Robert Portal (Reggie), Jane Slavin (Ligeia)

This audio is simply a DELIGHT

Everything about it is just... so much fun. Just endlessly amusing.

Some commentary on this audio from Vortex:

Writer Jonathan Morris says: “The story is set in 1920s Hampshire and is a kind of a what-if, the what-if being, ‘What if PG Wodehouse had written a Doctor Who story in 1978?’ Well, The Auntie Matter endeavours to be the answer to that question. “It’s a frothy, silly, summery, farcical comedy, but with grisly undertones. I’m immeasurably proud of it. I think, through attempting to channel the voice of the Master, it contains some of my wittiest writing.”

Jonny attended the studio recording and was delighted with the passionate performances. He grins: “To hear Tom Baker performing my words and doing it so well, with such attention to detail, with such irrepressible humour and with such panache! Many times I closed my eyes and it was like being transported back to 1978 – or sticking on a DVD of a Doctor Who from 1978. “I count myself inordinately fortunate to have been given such an opportunity; even if in retrospect I still can’t quite believe it happened! It will be a memory to treasure for the rest of my life. It’s just mind-boggling.” (Vortex 107)

Director Ken Bentley adds: “The Auntie Matter is still one of the most bonkers stories I’ve worked on. You can always rely on Jonny for something unusual, and every now and then and he delivers a real peach. “The combination of such quintessentially English comedy characters and science fiction turned this into something akin to an absurdist play. Robert Portal did such a fantastic job of bringing Reggie to life that he’s on the list of characters I’d like to see return.” (Vortex 107)

We open on the Doctor and Romana pretending to be a married couple in 1929, where they co-own a townhouse on Baker Street in London. When they purchased this townhouse is a mystery. This seems to be Romana’s first visit to the townhouse, and they stay there later in the 4DAs (when Romana is in her Second Incarnation type later) both earlier in the 1920s and during the Victorian era (they also stay there in the 1960s and in the 1980s).

Regardless of where the townhouse came from, Romana is bored out of her mind pretending to be a Human, so she decides to go out and learn about Human scientific advancement (no wonder later in the 4DAs Romana has a list of fun activities to do/exciting people to meet, in case she has to spend extended periods of time on Earth).

ROMANA: You did what? DOCTOR: I told you, I linked the randomizer to the TARDIS guidance systems and left it on automatic in a low oven. ROMANA: So now the TARDIS is flitting randomly through time and space? DOCTOR: Yes. Until the Black Guardian gets tired of chasing it, and then it will return to us here in London. Eventually. ROMANA: Eventually? DOCTOR: Oh, after its visited a thousand worlds or so, it shouldn’t take more than a couple of weeks, a month at the most! ROMANA: And in the meantime, Doctor, we’re stuck here on Earth? And what about the dog? He’s still in the TARDIS! DOCTOR: Oh, he’ll be in his element! I left the scanner open so he can look outside, and if he gets bored he can always look things up in the databank. He likes that. ROMANA: Aren’t you forgetting something? What if the Black Guardian manages to locate us while the TARDIS is away? DOCTOR: Ah! That’s why I’m building this! ROMANA: Which is? DOCTOR: It’s an etheric field disturbance detector! ROMANA: Huh? DOCTOR: It detects disturbances in the etheric field. ROMANA: Ah! And does it work? DOCTOR: Not yet, but it will do! When it’s finished. Then the Black Guardian won’t be able to sneak up on us without our knowing about it! *chuckles* ROMANA: I can’t help thinking it might have been more logical to finish building the detector before sending the TARDIS off on a wild goose chase! DOCTOR: Yes, I suppose it would, now you come to mention it. Oh well. *knock on door* DOCTOR: Hello? Yes! MABEL: Your breakfast, your Lordship. DOCTOR: Breakfast? Ah! Yes! Put it on the table over there, will you? No. On second thought… I’m not hungry anymore. Could you take it away again? MABEL: As you wish, my Lord. DOCTOR: Hmmmmm, now then… where was I? *sounds of tea being poured* ROMANA: But of all the places in the galaxy, why choose here? DOCTOR: Why? What’s wrong with Earth?!?! ROMANA: Ooooh, nothing. It’s harmless. *tea is now being stirred*... If a little primitive. DOCTOR: Primitive? *tea is set down* ROMANA: Well, yes. They’ve only just worked out general relativity. They’re barely one step up from banging rocks together. DOCTOR: I’ll have you know this is one of the three great periods in Earth history! The roaring Twenties! A time of Gershwin, F Scott Fitzgerald of Hemingway *laughs* a ton of flappers and men in spats… of diamonds as big as the ritz! ROMANA: So that’s why you chose this time zone. DOCTOR: ….well… well no. It was a complete accident. But I don’t know what you’re complaining about! I found us a nice house, didn’t I? ROMANA: Yes, I… I just wish… *sighs* we’d landed on a more stimulating world. DOCTOR: More stimu - !!!! You’ve barely given it a chance! You should get out there! See the sights! Enjoy some of the local culture! ROMANA: While you stay here trying to get that machine to work? DOCTOR: Well I’m hardly going to get it to work if I go out with you, am I, Romana? ROMANA: I suppose I could always immerse myself in the scientific literature of this age. That might while away the afternoon! DOCTOR: Yes... that’s the spirit. Carpe Diem. ROMANA: I’ll just pop down to one of the bookshops in Bloomsbury. I shouldn’t be longer than half an hour! DOCTOR: Sonic screwdriver… sonic screwdriver… ROMANA: I SAID I’ll - DOCTOR: I know I put it down somewhere… ROMANA: UGH, nevermind. Goodbye Doctor! DOCTOR: Uh, there you are! Now, just a matter of calibrating the temporal anomaly…

At the bookstore she goes to to learn about Human knowledge, Romana meets a man who is desperate to find a lady to marry and bring home to meet his aunt (who is a body snatching alien, shhhhh, he doesn’t know)

BOOKSTORE EMPLOYEE: Yes Ma’am, can I help you? ROMANA: I’m looking for any publications relating to recent mathematical and scientific developments. EMPLOYEE: Was there anything in particular you were interested in? ROMANA: Oooh, you know, set theory, quantum theory, the photo-electric effect, that sort of thing. EMPLOYEE: I’ll take a look in the back. REGGIE: I say! That’s a bit of a coincidence, what! ROMANA: What is? REGGIE: You, coming in here, asking about books on the photogigamy effect, when that’s precisely what I was looking for too! ROMANA: Really? You don’t strike me as the scientific type. REGGIE: Oh, yes. I’m a sucker for all things sciencey! The more advanced, the better as far as I’m concerned! And it’s not everyday a chap comes across a pretty girl who's interested in quantic theory! ROMANA: Quantum theory. REGGIE: That too! ROMANA: It relates to the behavior of subatomic particles. REGGIE: Oh, I know! Fascinating little chaps, aren’t they? ROMANA: I was wondering in particular what conclusions have been drawn from the photo-electric effect with regards to particle-wave duality. REGGIE: Oh! That! Yes! Wan old business, isn’t it? Been exercising the grey matter about it myself, actually! ROMANA: And have you come to any conclusions? REGGIE: Not conclusions, as such. But I’ll tell you what, I’d love to discuss it with you over a spot of lunch! If you’re willing. ROMANA: Hmmm, I suppose I have nothing better to do, Mr eh? REGGIE: Connally-Basset, at your service. But you can me Reginald. Or Reggie if time is short! ROMANA: Pleased to meet you. My name’s Romana. REGGIE: Romana. Is that short for something? ROMANA: It’s funny you should mention that… *bookstore shop door opens and closes with a dinging bell

Reggie has an alien implant, put there by his aunt, and through it his butler (who is an android) feeds him information regarding increasingly advanced science to talk to Romana about. So while he stumbles over pronouncing words right and all that, he does seem to have an actual understanding of the concepts Romana brings up when they are talking more in depth during lunch. Romana is very willing to believe that this guy is an actual authority on Earth science (Gee I wonder why Romana is so forgiving of this guy mispronouncing every term and stumbling over the basics as they talk about science. Wonder what leads her to think someone who so clearly doesn’t know what the hell they are talking about is actually worth hearing out?) Overall, Romana is very happy to meet someone who can tell her all about Human scientific advancement.

It also needs to be noted that Romana knows literally nothing about the social mores of early 20th Century Earth, particularly among the English upper class. So when Reggie invites her to lunch she says yes, because she wants to talk about science. She has no idea her acceptance of his invitation can be construed as anything other than she simply wishes to continue their conversation about human scientific advancement. Similarly, when Reggie invites her to come to his country estate alone, specifically to meet his aunt who he makes clear is his family matriarch, she says yes, because he told her he has books about science there. She has no idea her acceptance of his invitation can be construed as anything other than that she simply wishes to take a look at the books he keeps at the manor.

Meanwhile Reggie plans to tell her the truth once they are at his estate, because “She might not mind being manacled to a chap who was mentally negligible once she's seen the size of his country estate!”

Throughout this process Reggie is a bit thrown that she never wants to talk to him about anything but science, but hey a super gorgeous lady is giving him the time of day and accepting his courting invites so he isn’t going to question things too much.

Once Romana is at the manor, Reggie’s alien body snatcher aunt makes it clear that she REALLY REALLY REALLY wants to steal Romana’s body.

You see, the Aunt’s body snatching process results in the bodies she takes aging at a super increased rate, so they tend to last her only a few months at the very most. It’s very annoying because every time she gets a new one she has to erase all of Reggie’s memories about the last woman he was engaged to, and then send him off immediately to find someone new.

Reggie, we find out, was raised from infancy by this alien to be used as a lure to capture Human women. It is implied that he is very very handsome and beyond super rich.

The prospect of taking over Romana’s body really excites the bodysnatching aunt. A Time Lord’s body, even with the increased aging factor brought on by the bodyswap, would be good for THOUSANDS of years.

As if that wasn’t enough of a reason for her to be obsessed with Romana, even having made sure Reggie was only bringing home exceptionally bright Humans, Human brains were still leaving the body snatching aunt feeling cramped. She’d have no such problem with Romana’s brain, since Time Lord brains are far larger than even the aunt’s original body’s!!

So yeah, this alien is very very very set on capturing Romana. She orders both her Robot-Gamekeeper and her Robot-Butler to bring Romana to her no matter what.

This of course leads to Romana fighting and ultimately defeating the aunt.

Romana’s pretty sure she did it entirely on her own.

Meanwhile, after Romana leaves him alone, the Doctor gets restless and goes out to foil an alien invasion. He does this with the help of his and Romana’s housekeeper Mabel, because well... you know how it is when the Doctor’s left alone around any given Human for too long. Originally he wanted Romana to come with him (he was not actually aware she left), and ran into Mabel while looking for her, so he decided she should come with him instead. It started when he decided to test the machine he was building. It picked up a signal, and he wanted to check it out. He then stumbled upon a crashed spaceship not too far from an old manor house, which was being guarded by androids. This led to him discovering that the manor house was run by a body snatching alien. The body snatcher wanted to kill the Doctor - Four was functionally useless to her, since she only wanted to live inside a woman’s body.

This seems to primarily just be an excuse to work in this quote:

AUNT FLORENCE: Leave the man, it's the girl I want!

The housekeeper the Doctor made his companion for the day and the guy hitting on Romana fall in love and get together by the end of the story.

REGGIE: Toodle-pip! ROMANA: I’m sorry? REGGIE: Oh, it’s an old Earth saying. It means goodbye. ROMANA: (slowly, almost sounding it out) Toodle-pip, Reginald. MABEL: So, I suppose this is toodle-pip for us, too? REGGIE: What?! MABEL: Well, I’m a kitchen maid, and you’re… Lord Basset of Basset Hall. REGGIE: Yes. I suppose you’re right. MABEL: Yes. REGGIE: I mean, what would people say? MABEL: Exactly. REGGIE: Imagine the brouhaha! *snorts* MABEL: Yes. REGGIE: So I suppose that gives us no alternative. MABEL: Nope. REGGIE: We’ll just have to let them talk, won’t we? MABEL: Wha? Reggie… you mean? REGGIE: I certainly do! Light of my life! MABEL: You mean you love me? REGGIE: From the very first moment I clapped eyes upon you. Reginald, I thought, this is the girl for you and no mistake! MABEL: Oh, Reggie! REGGIE: Come, my dear. We can discuss the wedding arrangements over breakfast.

At no point did either of our two nonsense Time Lord dorks notice the other was also working on foiling the exact same alien invasion, or even how they were directly helping each other.

(In the following scene there are places where the Doctor and Romana are both speaking at the same time.) DOCTOR: No extraterrestrial activity detected. Ahah! It works perfectly! *door opens* Romana! ROMANA: Doctor, are you still working on this machine? DOCTOR: Well, just making a few final adjustments! Where have you been? ROMANA: Well… it’s funny you should ask. I’ve just defeated an alien menace! DOCTOR: Have you? ROMANA: Yes! Single-handedly! DOCTOR: Well that’s a bit of a coincidence! Because while you were off sight-seeing, I also saw off an alien threat! ROMANA: Really? DOCTOR: Oh yes! Single-handedly! ROMANA: You’ll forgive me if I find that a little hard to believe. DOCTOR: Well you should have been there! It was terribly dangerous! ROMANA: Been where? DOCTOR: Basset Hall! ROMANA: BASSET HALL?! DOCTOR: Yes. ROMANA: But that’s where I’ve just been! DOCTOR: Really? Basset Hall? ROMANA: Yes! You don’t mean to say you were there too? DOCTOR: Yes, of course! I faced an alien Valjax who had possessed the body of a woman- ROMANA: YOU faced an alien Valjax? DOCTOR (in unison with Romana): There’s no way you have been there. I feel sure I would have noticed, and even if you WERE there… Who was it who set the robot gamekeeper to explode? Eh? Tell me that! ROMANA (in unison with the Doctor): I think you’ll find that I was the one who faced the alien Valjax! Even if you were there, you weren’t the one who defeated it! Because I was the one who set the robot butler to explode! ROMANA: *sighs* I’ll get the butler to make us a cup of tea. I think we have a spot of explaining to do.

Since this first audio in the 4DAs Volume 2 came out six months after Mary Tamm’s death, following the story itself there is an extended tribute to her. Obviously the entire second season is dedicated to her memory.

From Vortex:

Before we launch into a full preview of season two of The Fourth Doctor Adventures, it seems fitting to talk about Mary Tamm, who eagerly embraced the opportunity to return as Romana for this series. “Nothing will keep me away,” she told me when I first approached her, and she was true to her word. Even cancer, and months spent enduring treatment, didn’t quell Mary’s passion for the project. We, as colleagues and as fans, are indebted to her for seeing the series through, under awful circumstances. She came to every studio recording full of enthusiasm, laughed endlessly, and – on the last day I saw her – told me that doing the recordings had helped her get through it. She was a fantastic lady, and this season is dedicated to her. (Vortex 47)

Jonny added: “There’s a very moving tribute to Mary included on the end of the CD/ download. There’s not much more I can add, except to say that it was [an] honour to write for her and to hear her performing words I had written, and performing them so beautifully, so precisely, and with such a joyful lightness of touch. “I feel privileged to have been associated with her, even in a small way. We Doctor Who fans love all the actors and actresses from the show dearly, and I hope Mary realised how admired and appreciated she was.” (Vortex 107)

Overall I really enjoy this audio.

The entire second volume of the 4DAs feels like an exciting transitional period in Romana’s life, set after the Key to Time quest but before she regenerated. You can see her really start to explore the traits that would eventually define her second incarnation, while still remaining very much recognizable as the Romana I of Season 16.

Not to mention of course that the Wodehouse vibe of this story works exceptionally well for the Fourth Doctor, particularly for a story set during the Williams era.

This is just over all and through and through an exceptionally enjoyable audio. I find myself returning to it again and again, since it truly delivers on being incredibly entertaining and fun.

#Doctor Who #Big Finish #The Fourth Doctor Adventures #Fourth Doctor #Romana #Romanadvoratrelundar #Romana I #The Auntie Matter #The Doctor

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deadcactuswalking · 2 years

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REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 04/12/2021 (Christmas Garbage)

The holidays are in full force on the UK Singles Chart, yet Adele is still at #1 with “Easy on Me” for a seventh straight week. Welcome to a particularly festive yet also particularly cynical episode of REVIEWING THE CHARTS!

Rundown

We’re three days into the month – not even a full week into an advent calendar – and we already have so many Christmas songs flooding the chart – and not just the good ones, either. There are 29 holiday songs in the top 75 alone, and since we’re still in the winter freeze, no-one bothered releasing anything so all of our new arrivals are also Christmas songs. Essentially, the hit parade just got covered in snow and you can barely move your car before you get all the Goddamn frost off which takes minutes out of your already busy day and you don’t want to be late for work so you’re panicking and leaving things behind that you should be bringing with you. All that is to say that we have many, many drop-outs – songs exiting the top 75, which is what I cover, after five weeks in the region or a peak in the top 40. This week, they include – and bear with me – the BBC Children in Need cover of “Anywhere” by Niall Horan and Anne-Marie from last week, “Funny Bunny Nails” by D-Block Europe, “Already Dead” by the late Juice WRLD, “No” by Little Mix, Taylor Swift’s re-recorded versions of “State of Grace” and “Red”, “No Love” by Summer Walker and SZA, “GHOST TOWN” by Benson Boone, “Red Light Green Light” by Digga D, “Boyz” by Jesy Nelson featuring Nicki Minaj, “Don’t Break the Heart” by Tom Grennan, “Leave the Door Open” by Silk Sonic, “Remember” by Becky Hill and David Guetta, “Black Magic” by JONASU and finally, “Save Your Tears” by The Weeknd. Honestly, I’m not complaining about any of these songs past the fact I have to list them.

Oh, and if you’re into lists of songs, we do have, of course, an expense of notable losses, songs dropping at least five spots from their position last week. Take a seat, because this week, we have “Shivers” and “Bad Habits” by Ed Sheeran at #13 and #19 respectively, “Meet Me at Our Spot” by THE ANXIETY at #21, “My Universe” by Coldplay and BTS at #24, “I Wish” by Joel Corry and Mabel at #25, “Smokin’ Out the Window” by Silk Sonic at #26, “Better Days” by Dermot Kennedy at #27, “Alone with You” by ARZ at #32, “Drive” by Clean Bandit and Topic featuring Wes Nelson at #35, “Ghost” by Justin Bieber at #37, “love nwantiti (ah ah ah)” by CKay at #39, “STAY” by The Kid LAROI and Justin Bieber at #40, ”Heat Waves” by Glass Animals at #41, “One Right Now” by Post Malone and The Weeknd at #43, “No Competition” by D-Block Europe at #44, “SAD GIRLS LUV MONEY” by Amaarae and Moliy at #45, “Better Days” by NEIKED, Mae Muller and Polo G at #49, “Where Are You Now” by Lost Frequencies and Calum Scott at #50, “My Heart Goes (La Di Da)” by Becky Hill featuring Topic at #55, “Obsessed with You” by Central Cee at #57, “Moth to a Flame” by Swedish House Mafia and The Weeknd at #58, “INDUSTRY BABY” by Lil Nas X featuring Jack Harlow at #61, “Money Calling” by Da Beatfreakz featuring RAYE, Russ Millions and wewantwraiths at #63, “Spit of You” by Sam Fender at #65, “Take My Breath” by The Weeknd at #66, “Happier than Ever” by Billie Eilish at #67, “OUT OUT” by Joel Corry, Jax Jones and Charli XCX featuring Saweetie at #68, “THATS WHAT I WANT” by Lil Nas X at #69, “Who You Are” by Craig David and MNEK at #70, “Woman” by Doja Cat at #71, “Tell it to My Heart” by MEDUZA and Hozier at #72 and finally, “good 4 u” by Olivia Rodrigo.

So what replaced all of this? Well, like I said in the last episode, I will not be listing every single gain for Christmas songs because as you can imagine, every song I mentioned re-entering last week is up to the top 40 or somewhere close. For a frame of reference, the aforementioned top 40 is more than a quarter filled by this cursed holiday. I will list every returning entry that is related to Christmas just so you know what’s charting but where exactly Slade are on any given week is irrelevant. For songs that have hit the top 75 before, we see returns for “Feliz Navidad” by Jose Feliciano at #64, “Let it Snow! Let it Snow! Let it Snow!” by Dean Martin at #62, “Christmas Tree Farm” by Taylor Swift at #60 thanks to the newly-released Amazon Music exclusive remix, “Mistletoe” by Justin Bieber at #56 (honestly a good song, by the way), “Wonderful Christmastime” by Paul McCartney (simultaneously and the best and worst of these songs) at #54, “Happy Xmas (War is Over)” by John Lennon and Yoko Ono’s Plastic Ono Band with the Harlem Community Choir fittingly right next to it at #53 (it’s always a pain to write this one out – thank God I’m only doing it once), “Holly Jolly Christmas” by Michael Bublé at #52, “Sleigh Ride” by the Ronettes at #51, “Merry Xmas Everybody” by Slade at #48, “One More Sleep” by Leona Lewis at #47, “Jingle Bell Rock” by Bobby Helms at #42, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year” by Andy Williams at #38, “Driving Home for Christmas” by Chris Rea at #33 and “Santa Tell Me” by Ariana Grande at #31. As for the three biggest Christmas songs to chart this week – the only ones I’m tracking – we have “All I Want for Christmas is You” by Mariah Carey at #3, “Last Christmas” by Wham! at #4, and “Fairytale of New York” by the Pogues featuring Kirsty MacColl lagging far behind at #16.

The songs always infinitely more interesting to me are the songs that gain regardless of the Christmas blowout. Joining this gang of notable gains during Christmastime are two honestly bizarre cuts: “Enemy” by Imagine Dragons and JID at #34 and “abcdefu” by GAYLE up massively to #2 – honestly unsure where this increased traction came from but it’s massive on streaming. Now, after wasting 1000 words on arbitrarily listing an incessant number of songs, let’s waste 1000 more on Christmas songs formerly untapped by the British public.

NEW ARRIVALS

#74 – “The Christmas Sweater” – Michael Bublé

Produced by Johan Carlsson

Happiness is a lie fed to you by the establishment, whose only intention is to continue the cycle of misery for those who serve under only their most desired peoples. Life in reality is simply a high-speed train of constant suffering and anguish enforced onto you by the mental flattening of the powers that be. The inherent cruelty of the reality we live in impoverishes the vulnerable, embellishing the rich with pride and influence disproportionate to their ability to help us function as a society. Michael Bublé and capitalism are the Devil.

#73 – “Snowman” – Sia

Produced by Greg Kurstin

Ableist this year, are we, Santa? Well, I’m sure Sia is glad that she made a Christmas album right before she stopped existing so she can get at least a couple guaranteed cheques per annum. Sia sounds awful on this as she fumbles her way through a murmuring jazz beat that at least has some swell in the chorus that sounds genuinely nice. It’s unfortunate that in the front of the mix, we have those vocals, and I guess if we want to focus on the lyrics for whatever reason, we could discuss how the song is a metaphor for her partner being a snowman, making her Mrs. Snow. I don’t think she realises when she says “’til death” that this love will only last a couple hours, days at most, once the sun or the rain comes in to melt it all away and suddenly, your husband’s dead. God, the kids’ll be devastated.

#59 – “I’ll be Home for Christmas” – Camila Cabello

Produced by who cares

I’m torn on reviewing Christmas music. On one hand, I’m fully aware that it’s the worst, most purified object of consumerism that can exist, yet on the other, some genuinely excellent and fascinating music have come out of evaluating Christmas as a holiday, as a tradition and as a product, which nowadays is all it is. Hell, maybe you could call it a franchise. The one thing I consistently dislike about Christmas music in recent years is Amazon Music. I don’t have this service, and I’m not going to pay for the service, so that means I can’t legally listen to Camila Cabello’s cover of “I’ll be Home for Christmas” in full. I know, how devastating. The issue I have is how it acts essentially as payola; if you have Amazon Music, which is particularly popular amongst older demographics, you’ll probably also have Alexa, and if you ask it to play any kind of Christmas music, it’s increasingly likely it plays one of their Amazon original songs. Ellie Goulding used it to nab a fraudulent #1 a couple years back. Sure, there’s an unofficial YouTube upload of Cabello’s cover, but it’s about principle. Also, I’m lazy. “I’ll be Home for Christmas” was originally recorded in 1943 and infamously banned by the BBC’s radio at the time because they thought it would lower the morale of British troops during World War II. In the USA, he was lauded for raising morale amongst not just the troops but the public. It was always way too sickly sweet for me, though, and a tad too slow, even if it has its reasons. I think I’ll stick to Carl Brutananadilewski’s cover version since at least it’s on YouTube. If you know, you know.

#46 – “The Christmas Song” – Olivia Dean

This song doesn’t even have a Genius page

Well, at least this one has an official YouTube video. I have genuinely no idea who Olivia Dean is but since they’re being pushed by Amazon, they must be of some talent, right? Right? Okay, well, her smoky voice is fitting for this song, maybe more familiar to you as “chestnuts roasting on an open fire”, and I do love the more jazzy, R&B arrangement used, as the strings sound excellent, particularly in that instrumental bridge alongside the vintage piano and background harmonies, as well as that great sax. All in all, this is a pretty great rendition of the song, written in 1945 but more recognisable in its definitive form by Nat King Cole, whom I don’t think anyone could try to do justice with a newer version. I hope Cole’s version charts soon, but I don’t mind it being alongside this, really, outside of the whole Amazon deal.

#36 – “Come On Home for Christmas” – George Ezra

Produced by piss off

This is our final pointless entry, and it happens to be an original Christmas song by George Ezra... oh, wait, nope, it’s just Charles Brown’s 1960 classic “Please Come Home for Christmas” with the lyrics mostly unchanged. At least Mr. Ezra waited until he was at least slightly irrelevant to release an Amazon original Christmas song. The desperate nature of the blues original was not captured that well by the Eagles or Bon Jovi, and it’s definitely not in this upbeat poppy rendition with stock strings and an instrumental sounding straight out of royalty-free background music. There are out of place synths, Ezra sounds like he’s doing a phoned-in job and it fades out because ending a song is apparently too hard.

Conclusion

Sadly, this week’s Best of the Week is actually exclusive to Amazon Blogs. Just sign up for your first month free and you can ask Alexa, “what’s the worst song to debut in the UK Top 75 this week?” She’ll answer by playing any of those last three songs and it’ll count as a paid stream, manipulating the chart and allowing the low-effort commercial schlock to climb to the top 20. Is there anything more festive than good ol’, cold-blooded industry?

Next week, Ed Sheeran and Elton John will debut at #1 since they released a Christmas song together. God has left us. We wish you a merry thanks for reading and a happy see you next week!

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