#and don't even get me started on how YOUNG they marry or how religious folk play round robin with each other til someone sticks

[becca-alexa]

✨personal so read if you want to✨

the people in my immediate circle all think i'm crazy for saying i'd want to be in a relationship for 2-3 years before talking about marriage and i think they're all insane for it but then i remember the average time from strangers to married for them is around 6 months

#becca.txt #legit do not think any of their relationships went on for longer than a year before marriage #my bestie went from absolute strangers to married in 4 months #they're adorable together but FOUR MONTHS???wild #they met around christmas and their wedding was in april - they just had their 1st anniversary and their baby's due next month #that's what happens when you're latina and religious i guess #not me thinking that 30s+ is a good age to marry and have kids and everybody thinking i'm insane 👀 #don't even get me started on HAVING kids -- nobody wants to hear that i can't conceive naturally they all say to stay hopeful!... #there's still a chance!you can do it!like y'all i got stage 4 endometriosis that's taken over both my ovaries i ain't having no kids 😂 #honestly i've said this before and i'll say it again - if i'm to have a marriage like some of them i'd rather stay single #i think only my bestie has a TRULY happy and functional marriage #i love her for it and her husband's an angel on earth -- everyone else's marriage is a literal dumpster fire #like my dudes if you're doing relationship counseling WHILE DATING then do premarital AND post marital couseling... #why get married???? like i am the biggest supporter of utilizing mental health services but something's not right there #and don't even get me started on how YOUNG they marry or how religious folk play round robin with each other til someone sticks #god forbid you tell anyone you don't want to get married in general or GASP!you marry a non-believer #everybody always talks shit about “missional dating” and how you can't do it!!but like... everybody does it #literally everybody #it's not a big deal #just because we're the same denomination doesn't automatically make you a decent person #and the opposite is true - just because we don't believe the same things doesn't make you a hellbound pagan #it's just frustrating y'know???idk if anybody will relate to this but i am so ready to just... do my faith on my own terms #so sick of people i've known all my life looking at me like i'm sick or something bc i'm 26 and still single #by this point if anybody in that circle tries to set me up with a guy it's an automatic aversion #not one man they've ever introduced to me is worth the light of day - and i'm not being rude #like buddy you're 30+ still living at home no job no career no education no ambitions....but he's christian tho!! #yeah sure but he's still trash #i want a partner not a baby imma have to support #just me rambling about things nobody want to hear but i gotta put this out somewhere or else i'll implode

[tennfan2]

Hi there! I really liked your recent post on play partner jealousy. I was wondering if you would feel comfortable elaborating on this part: "(for folks brought up in conservative religious environments that leads to some insanely fucked up abusive relationships in the general world.)" when referring to intimacy=marriage. I don't quite follow what's potentially abusive about saving intimacy for the monogamy/marriage? Thank you!

TRIGGER WARNING: religion, rape, assault, pretty much all the bad shit.

Hi anon! You’re skipping to the front of the line for this one.

In the post, that reference comes after this moment of self-observation:

Every time I do something intimate with someone, there is a small part of my brain that thinks I should marry them.

So to me, it’s not the idea of saving levels of intimacy for marriage that’s potentially abusive. I actually think there’s some value in that, or at the very least holding it out for relationships that carry deeper meaning.

Where, for me, the potential for abuse starts to happen is when any and all intimacy of any kind is forbidden. Again, in my childhood, *holding hands* was considered a path to sex and thus never to be done unless you were sure you were going to get married. I was literally told over and over as a child that the number one rule in my life was “Don’t have sex, ever.”

The problem is that when you take that logic that kind of extreme, it creates some perverse incentives:

One, you have the issue of young people who just really want to have sex with each other rushing into ill-advised marriages that inevitably fail. I have seen this happen *so many* times. They can’t tell the difference between the rush of lust and the slow burn of love.

Two, and more pernicious, is something less common: when young people raised in the most extreme versions of this thinking are sexually assaulted, they can believe that because God only wants us to have sex with one person, then the person who assaulted them must be that person. They also fear the very real issues that they have “lost” their “virginity” and thus are no longer acceptable or desirable spouses. And there are people who prey on that logic to keep victims quiet.

These are, of course, edge cases in the general population. But having known people who have faced each of these situations, or even things that get close to them, it’s a real issue.

To me, the issue is not the idea of saving more intimate connections for more consequential relationships. Again, I think that can be a great thing for some people, and there are parts of that were beneficial for me.

The issue more lies in how that is delivered as a value system, because it so often gets wrapped up in the idea that sex and intimacy are bad or shameful or harmful and could jeopardize your place in the community or in your faith.

I hope that clarifies things a bit, anon!

#ask me stuff #answering asks #cw rape #cw assault #cw religion #tw rape #tw assault #tw religion #not hypnosis #thanks for this ask #i really appreciate it!