#and i also wanna find a crafts store (bc somehow i dont know a single one?) and get embroidery thread. bc so far i was just doing

[scrambled-eggsed]

Tbh theres now gonna be a rant every time i have an evening shift, until i get used to it. Which will hopefully be soon but to be completely honest i dont know

I dont know if it really is just shit every time or if im just catastrophising. Bc even if at every shift theres a fuck up or something that goes wrong, its still. Normal? It shouldnt be as horrifying as it is to me. And every time i walk out shaking, or sometimes even almost in tears. And even though i still take a while to close so i leave later than i should it still should make me as anxious as it does. But every time i get home almost half an hour after i shouldve gotten home, on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And i dont know if it was just for this week, when i had 3 evening shifts and tomorrow have a fucking morning shift, but for now i only know i am anxious through the roof and more tired than ive been since may. And you know whats the stupidest way i found to cope? Scrooge motherfucking McDuck. Every time i got home this week, tired as fuck and done with everything, i genuinely just think of scrooge mcduck lecturing about how every bit of hard work leads somewhere? And obvs thats the bullshit american dream but that's not even what im talking about. I just want to be at peace😭 and maybe if i do this work now I'll have something to think back on and hold even tighter to the peace of mind I'll have then. So every time i feel like shit, at midnight, hurtling towards an hour of sitting and staring into space(/and or full on breaking down) i think of scrroge mcduck and then im magically better. This is so stupid fr how is THIS how i deal with inconveniences. I am genuinely just catastrophising like i always do and half an hour later i always realize things arent actually so bad and i was literally looking down a black hole of misery even though i really had no reason to do that

#personal #its a bit silly to say this in the tags bc id imagine saying it under the readmore would be more discrete #but it feels too public still #nowadays im mostly Calm And Collected and i dont get as anxious as i used to #so i sometimes just forget that its a thing i have dealt with all my life #and then weeks like this happen and kapoof im nearing a mental breakdown #also. i think my mom is like that too #ಠ◡ಠ #at least i have a guess of why i am like this #but i guess theres some good in that bc she has been surprisingly successful at helping me stay calm today #and return to calmness yesterday #and im still kinda shaken up but im actually keeping it mostly together today #so thats already better than yesterday #:( #:) #tbh i just want to get my salary already #and then maybe I'll start feeling like its actually worth it #i actually have a lost of stuff i wanna buy!! i guess i could ask my parents but i always feel guilty doing that bc [secret reasons] #first thing im gonna get will be a tote bag and a regular backpack from a sort of recovery workshop my friend works at #and i also wanna find a crafts store (bc somehow i dont know a single one?) and get embroidery thread. bc so far i was just doing #double threaded sewing thread #i could actually get merch from artists i like!! #and when it starts gettinf chillier (which doesnt seem to be anytime soon actually) ill finally get a denim jacket. i already have so many #patches to sew into it #:D #maybe. just maybe. things are actually okay #yeah i think i have just been kinda scared lately. but its okay